Men in their 40s

[whitebunnies]

I am in my late 30s. I don't know why but men in their late 40s ask me out. This is in real life and not from dating sites. Why would they not date a woman their age? Some of these men have children so it's not like they want to start a family.

Percy, I can't be bothered trolling through the several replies to my post in which I asked you not to keep replying to me, but I do find this topic quite amusing so I'll bite.

My DH is 15 months younger than me. He spent the morning going out for a run and then collected my car from the garage and is now attempting to clean the ERG valve. He also went to the supermarket. I went swimming, which is why there is a gap in my posts.

You on the other hand, have spent the morning posting on a forum frequented with women, arguing with us that we aren't after all quite repulsed by being hit on by older men because there are an increasingly (and allegedly...) a diminishing number of exceptions.

I'd actually end it with any man who spent his life posting on a forum such as this. Its not a great trait.

Why you are so insecure in this relationship you allege with a woman 10 years younger than you and require such validation from random strangers is unclear, but you would think that you would be counting your blessings and actually enjoying yourself on a Saturday morning with her instead.

There are a number of features in your posting style that don't quite convince but anyway, my response is that I automatically feel quite sorry for women with an older man. Women I know do tend to talk about it a little bit disparagingly. Apologies to anyone who is married to an older man! But thats the truth. People obviously go for different things in relationships but for me, an older man would have been far, far easier to attract than a younger man and I didn't want to settle. I wanted someone who was my equal in most ways. For some women that would be a less important criteria. Honestly don't know any of them.

The older I get, the more I think age gaps are difficult to sustain and I would exclude anyone in my social circle who left their wife for a younger woman. I do know one who did that and he was actually in his late fifties at the time and obsessed with road race cycling, which was how he met his (now ex) much younger partner. She is now single in her early forties. He was a figure of some derision, although of course people wouldn't say that to his face.

I think some men get to a certain age and don't care if people respect them any more, they are going to take the opportunity of sex with a younger woman whatever happens, based on the premise they will probably be dead or infirm in 10 or 15 years. Horrible if they have any children.

I am 30 and marrying my partner next week actually, who is 45. I find it interesting as we met at work where there were definitely creepy old men that tried it with me and wouldn't of got a look in, but my partner quite obviously wasn't one of them. The age gap wasn't hugely noticeable between us. He looked younger than his age. He has never commented on my age, it's never been a factor really, we just got on and haven't stopped getting on since. I am definitely not denying the stereotype that you speak about exists, but it horrifies me to think people might look at my (soon-to-be!) husband in this light when we are just a completely normal couple.

yes people are definitely going to be looking at him like this! Didn't your friends say anything as well? I would have been really surprised if a friend had settled like that.

I'm assuming he wasn't online dating, solely targeting women in their 20s? I think this is the issue. The 45 plus year old men convinced that women in their 20s will be falling over themselves for a date with them. Despite the fact that most of them aren't attractive, interesting or even solvent.

Thanks for responding. I think you're right that people, or perhaps more usually women, do tend to spend time on considering potential matches. As they should imo, particularly where large age gaps are concerned. There is no doubt that a man older age gap can bring significant disadvantage to a woman, increasingly so as the man ages. Women will have to typically make a lot of compromises in these situations, and being women, tend to be more likely to put loyalty ahead of our own needs then men in the reverse situation, restricting the life they could otherwise have been enjoying. Any woman who signs up for that should really do a very careful cost benefit analysis, but unfortunately the issues are not necessarily ones they are aware of if they're young and without experience of the reality of middle age.

yes people are definitely going to be looking at him like this! Didn't your friends say anything as well? I would have been really surprised if a friend had settled like that.

Wow, @lassof - how rude can you be? I haven't settled in the slightest. I'm with a lovely, kindhearted man who is the most supportive partner I've ever had, a brilliant dad to our very young child, treats me like a complete equal and I have a fun, happy life with. My friends have had nothing to say apart from how happy they are from me. More than a couple of my friends have ended up single parents due to men our age deciding parenting was too much for them, or that other women were more important then loyalty, it isn't the golden answer to everything to marry someone within so many years. It's a very small minded view of the world.

There will always be some much older men who proposition younger women. Now that I'm older, late 30s, I find that it's more same age and slightly younger men who will ask me out.

Older men still stare inappropriately, however. I really dislike that.

Oh goodness I know, the aggressive staring! Its horrible. The most recent time it happened to me was in a hospital waiting room, and I was already tense and really not in the mood and called him out on it and the reply I got was "I like what I see" so I told him not to stare at me as it was weird.

Ah well, now you know a lot of people are definitely secretly judging him. Nothing much you can do about it, you'll probably feel differently about it yourself once in your forties So you were actually mid-twenties when he, in his forties, started dating you?

Hopefully not everyone is as nasty and judgemental as you.

Yes, I as an adult, dated another adult. Scandalous, right?

^

Agegapp

You sound defensive.

This is a thread asking for opinions about older men pursuing younger women. If you don't like what you're reading hide the thread and keep that head buried in the sand.

I really detest it! It last happened on Thursday. I was on my way back from the gym wearing gym clothes (but was wearing fastened up, long, cover up hoody - probably unnecessary to explain).

I've never dared to call them out but give them, what I think is, a withering glance! Or I pretend I haven't noticed.

That was to @AchatAVendre

I was making the point that not every scenario with an older man is creepy, it can be as normal and healthy a relationship as any other. Of course I'm got go to get defensive to be told I'm settling and made out that the man I am marrying in a few days, and father of my child is some sort of sleazebag for being with me.

I would tend to think you'd settled too. Aren't you concerned by the fact that when you're mid fifties, he's going to be 70 and quite possibly in poor health/not too active compared to you? By the time you are 70, he is going to be 85 and that will already be beyond the average life expectancy for men in this country. Isn't the point to grow old together?

For balance, I wouldn't want a significantly younger man either. I'd be suspicous he had mummy issues or was using me for housing.

Agegapp , you're taking this personally.

As in every aspect of life there are exceptions, nobody has said otherwise. Life is a bell curve.

If I lose him when I'm 70 then I've had 40 years of happy marriage with a good man who was a good father? That's pretty good innings, and a longer than average marriage.

My mum married my dad, same age - divorced.
My nan on my mums side, married my grandad, same age as herself - widowed at 52
My other nans partner was 3 years older and was widowed at 60
Both nans went on to live different lives, but still enjoyable, travelling lots and doing things they say themselves they wouldn't of done with them.

Life isn't black and white.

Well Agegapp you've spectacularly missed the point of the thread.

Its not losing him when you're 70 that's the issue, it's the life you may have with him when he reaches 50+. The number of 50s men who are the equal of even 50s women in energy, health, general zest for life, is vanishingly small, never mind those that are the equal of a much younger woman. What you see now is his Indian summer, but over the next decade you may see a steep decline. You may be fine with that if you're a woman who enjoys a slower pace of life, or if you have space in your relationship to pursue your interests when he's no longer keen. The main thing in these situations is to remember he's had his youth and you're entitled to yours, so don't let yourself be restricted by his declining capabilities. If he's a good man he shouldn't expect it of you.
And there's no judgement of you there, just an honest view of what you may find.

Percy, I can't be bothered trolling through the several replies to my post in which I asked you not to keep replying to me, but I do find this topic quite amusing so I'll bite.

So, nothing at all to do with not being able resist having the last word?

With regard to the EGR valve, it usually cheaper in the long term just to replace them.

Single men in their 40s and up are quite damaged and needy as well. If you don't respond to their messages instantly they message you again, block you, or insult you.

@AchatAVendre
’Why you are so insecure in this relationship you allege with a woman 10 years younger than you and require such validation from random strangers is unclear, but you would think that you would be counting your blessings and actually enjoying yourself on a Saturday morning with her instead.’

how Frustrating fir his young wife to be married to a much older dude who spends his time lecturing women on how they should feel about relationships and even on creepy old men . Women have every right and reason to put a whole lot of thought into who they get involved with . Women take the biggest a risks with being assaulted by a partner , left holding a baby , being left financially destitute and risk being a nurse to an older husband

exactly what I’ve been thinking about @PercyWesterman posts . Very very strange . If he’s not the type of man that’s being referred to by so many women here why has he found it necessary to say anything more than one simple post saying it wasn’t the case for him . Instead he seem intent of telling us all how we really should feel
@PercyWesterman , let me give you a hint . your one personal experience will never come even close to countering the Lived experience of literally thousands of women who know how many older men can be so stop thinking you know better
man’s as for the last word comment ? That sounds a lot like you

Of course - the old words chestnut of offering unasked for advice to women on ‘man things ‘ like cars lol
Im sure @AchatAVendre s lovely husband is quite capable and fit to make that decision . What’s makes you think you know better than him on a car that you havnt even seen - of let me guess ‘ I’m older so I know more lol ‘ . He could be a mechanic for all you know .

I've just seen this gem on OLD:

"I've been on my own for a while so you'll have to be pretty special to catch my interest"

Written by a moderately unattractive 50 year old man, who's longest relationship was 2 years, and also wants that special person to have an amazing kooky sense of humour, plus 'need to love' Peter Cook and Carl Sagan. All wrapped up in the body of a 30-40 year old.

And this is the kind of offering that causes women on this thread to vent here.

Good luck to him finding someone! What a nerve.