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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men in their 40s

505 replies

whitebunnies · 29/04/2022 13:33

I am in my late 30s. I don't know why but men in their late 40s ask me out. This is in real life and not from dating sites. Why would they not date a woman their age? Some of these men have children so it's not like they want to start a family.

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/05/2022 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes, but for a lot of women their youth and beauty doesn't fade. At least not at the same rate as men the same age. It's interesting to look at the picture if the Macrons in the article Percy has linked. There's 24 years between them, yet objectively, if they were both people in the street, she is by far the more visible, vibrant and attractive of the two. He looks like boring old any man. She is a head turning woman.

AnnieCannyFrangipani · 07/05/2022 09:54

5128gap · 06/05/2022 22:53

The predictable and inexplicable carp they seem so fond of holding in their pictures is generally a better one.

I genuinely thought "carp" was a euphemism.

Which probably says a lot about my own experience of OLD.

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 09:56

I agree with you. Brigitte Macron is a stunning woman but we are both women. Would the Mr Potato Heads of Online dating be messaging her, if she set up a profile? No, they would think they are better than her because of her age.

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 10:00

@5128gap
i agree totally that women s women seem to retain their beauty much longer than men , however I think for many men they see beauty in very very limited terms . They automatically discount any woman over a certain age. Or with grey hair or with lines in her face or signs of aging . To them that automatically makes them ‘ not beautiful ‘ because they are not youthful - even though they very much gorgeous and confident and vibrant .

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 10:03

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 09:56

I agree with you. Brigitte Macron is a stunning woman but we are both women. Would the Mr Potato Heads of Online dating be messaging her, if she set up a profile? No, they would think they are better than her because of her age.

No mr potato head is busy saying how fit he is and how the younger women message him and sending them messages lol or on here telling women how lucky they are cause of the year their ‘woman’ was born in

AchatAVendre · 07/05/2022 11:05

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 09:06

You don't "frequently see" it either. Its very rare that an older man can attract a younger woman.

Do you have any figures for how very rare it is? This article claims that in Western society, around 8% male/female couples have an age gap of ten years or more. It doesn’t say what percentage of those are male older/female younger.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220317-age-gaps-the-relationship-taboo-that-wont-die

Percy asks "do I have any figures for how very rare it is?" Do you mean statistics Percy? Are you in the UK? Why didn't you look at the ONS statistics? "in England and Wales, the average age for males marrying males has fluctuated between 39.5 and 40.8, while the average age for females marrying females has fluctuated between 36.6 and 37.4"

Statistically, that would that men marrying 10 years or more younger than themselves is very rare.

"The average age at which people in England and Wales get married has been getting later since the 1970s, with the average age of men marrying women rising from 27.4 in 1972 to 38.1 by 2018, with the average age for females marrying males increasing from 24.7 to 35.8 in the same time period."

So not only do statistics indicate that it is very rare, it is increasingly rare.

Of course statistics are not kept on "attraction" so these figures relate only to marriage.

What I think you mean and are struggling to say Percy is "do you have any evidence"? This thread is full of evidence. It might be anecdotal, but all court evidence begins anecdotally. So therefore, in the unlikely event that you were to argue the point in court, the evidence from women that they are not attracted to men significantly or even a few years older than them would be overwhelming.

But you should be able to work this out for yourself Percy. This thread, and indeed the entire world, is full of women telling men that they don't like old goats. There is a very funny but serious set of posts on TikTok at the moment where a man in his late thirties is trying to gain business for his app which purports to help men try to date younger women. He posts about his disappointing experiences on Tinder and other dating apps, where hardly any women swiped right on him (have I got that the correct way round? To indicate approval). Anyway, he videoed it and people paused the video and looked at the ages of the women he was trying to match with. Some of them were only 17 and most were under 23. The thread is full of comments from young women saying things like they find older men trying to lie about their age disgusting and how at 19, they wouldn't consider anyone older than 23 max.

Now Percy, that is not to say that you or someone like you might not eventually find a woman younger than you willing to date you. It might happen. Statistically, you're unlikely to marry her but we don't have statistics on how long she will be willing to date you for (because that would breach data protection and privacy rules in the UK). There will be a small proportion of the total women out there who for whatever reasons they have, are willing to date older men. These chances will be much higher if you are genuinely good looking, wealthy and very decent company with no baggage and not been around the block too much. Even then though, most younger women will reject you.

What we are trying to do though Percy is to avoid annoying older men bothering the rest of us with their unrealistic ideas. We also want our friends to avoid that controlling, older man ruining their lives. Its just part of the social skills you pick up on living in a world with other people in it.

Its a shame that men are being exploited by these so-called dating experts and basically rendering themselves undatable by developing such harsh and cynical attitudes that present as red flags to women in the age group similar to themselves that the statistics support would involve themselves with them.

But remember Percy, evidence. Not "figures".

Could I also request that you practice your social skills from now on and cease from addressing me personally in your replies, because I don't want you to. That can be a bit of practice for you.

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 11:07

There is a very funny but serious set of posts on TikTok at the moment where a man in his late thirties is trying to gain business for his app which purports to help men try to date younger women. He posts about his disappointing experiences on Tinder and other dating apps, where hardly any women swiped right on him (have I got that the correct way round? To indicate approval). Anyway, he videoed it and people paused the video and looked at the ages of the women he was trying to match with. Some of them were only 17 and most were under 23. The thread is full of comments from young women saying things like they find older men trying to lie about their age disgusting and how at 19, they wouldn't consider anyone older than 23 max.

This is hilarious.

AchatAVendre · 07/05/2022 11:15

Percy, if you are specifically trying to attract a younger woman, evidence supports that your chances of success would increase if you target women from developing countries. Women who have less options in life will often make a pragmatic choice to get out of their home country by marrying a "westerner". Not just countries like the Phillipines, Thailand or Malaysia, but consider Russia and China too. You may also wish to limit your search to less educated women within the UK. But if you haven't already attracted your desired younger woman then it probably indicates that you are being unrealistic. There are enough men out there who have done so to give you hope but if its not happening for you then there will be things you lack that those men have. And one of those things will probably be that they have not specifically targeted a woman for her age but view her as a person with whom they have something in common as well as her being physically attracted to him.

I think if you ask men about what women are attracted to, you will get a different answer than if you ask the same question to women (unless they are just being glib and polite). But you aren't trying to date a man so this seems a poor strategy. Although a good one for giving money to to men trying to make a business out of giving "advice on how to date women".

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 11:16

Percy asks "do I have any figures for how very rare it is?" Do you mean statistics Percy? Are you in the UK? Why didn't you look at the ONS statistics? "in England and Wales, the average age for males marrying males has fluctuated between 39.5 and 40.8, while the average age for females marrying females has fluctuated between 36.6 and 37.4"

Statistically, that would that men marrying 10 years or more younger than themselves is very rare.

Maybe you should read that through again!

Could I also request that you practice your social skills from now on and cease from addressing me personally in your replies, because I don't want you to. That can be a bit of practice for you.

Of course.

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 11:17

@PercyWesterman
is that why you are asking these questions Percy ? Because you want to date a younger woman ?

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 11:19

@AnnieCannyFrangipani

Another popular one is posing next to a sedated tiger or lion in a foreign zoo.

They all also want a partner in crime, walks on the beach and someone who is tactile.

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 11:22

Percy, if you are specifically trying to attract a younger woman.

I’m not.

You may also wish to limit your search to less educated women within the UK.

I think I’ll stick with the university academic I am married to.

And one of those things will probably be that they have not specifically targeted a woman for her age but view her as a person with whom they have something in common as well as her being physically attracted to him.

You have hit the nail on the head there. We just clicked.

pixie5121 · 07/05/2022 11:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 11:25

@Loveisallweneed

is that why you are asking these questions Percy ? Because you want to date a younger woman ?

Have you read the whole thread?

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 11:26

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 11:22

Percy, if you are specifically trying to attract a younger woman.

I’m not.

You may also wish to limit your search to less educated women within the UK.

I think I’ll stick with the university academic I am married to.

And one of those things will probably be that they have not specifically targeted a woman for her age but view her as a person with whom they have something in common as well as her being physically attracted to him.

You have hit the nail on the head there. We just clicked.

So why are you so concerned with a thread about men who choose women based on their youth ?

5128gap · 07/05/2022 11:27

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 11:19

@AnnieCannyFrangipani

Another popular one is posing next to a sedated tiger or lion in a foreign zoo.

They all also want a partner in crime, walks on the beach and someone who is tactile.

Don't forget 'independent' (ie, Don't expect me to pay for anything, ive had to set up a crippling payment plan for child support since they impounded my car. And you better have your own place as well love, because me mam doesn't like me bringing girls home.)

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 11:46

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 11:25

@Loveisallweneed

is that why you are asking these questions Percy ? Because you want to date a younger woman ?

Have you read the whole thread?

And I’ve read the vast majority .
where did you say your not anting a younger woman … a few posts ago ? Around the same time I posted the question !

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 12:04

And I’ve read the vast majority .

But managed to miss the quite recent one where I said that I had been married to a younger woman for over ten years.

We met when I was 40 and she was in her twenties. Hence my interest in this thread.

5128gap · 07/05/2022 12:10

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 12:04

And I’ve read the vast majority .

But managed to miss the quite recent one where I said that I had been married to a younger woman for over ten years.

We met when I was 40 and she was in her twenties. Hence my interest in this thread.

I realise this is a personal question, but has she ever shared with you her motivation for selecting a much older man? It's fairly obvious why you would think it was a good thing, but as an intelligent presumably attractive young woman, I'm curious as to what her incentive was. I get you 'clicked' but I'm sure there were same age men she could have clicked with too?

Loveisallweneed · 07/05/2022 12:11

Yes must have missed that post - oh well
must be interesting reading for you to hear womens experiences of older men who do pray on younger women
of course I’m not saying that age gap relationships where age isn’t a factor in why the man gets into the relationship can’t happen . They occasionally do .
i knew a woman who married a man in her twenties , he was 43 she was 29 at the time . They stayed together 15 yrs

AnnieCannyFrangipani · 07/05/2022 12:37

@Abblebee @5128gap That all looks so familiar! 😂 I don't miss it or receiving uninvited photos of clammy wee wieners.

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 13:35

Don't forget 'independent' (ie, Don't expect me to pay for anything, ive had to set up a crippling payment plan for child support since they impounded my car. And you better have your own place as well love, because me mam doesn't like me bringing girls home.)

Such a catch 😀

Applebeee · 07/05/2022 13:42

Saying they are tactile / physical is ugh. It means my ex refused to have sex with me because I gave her the ick (due to me being selfish, unkempt, a bit of a twat generally). So I'm only interested in a woman who will shag me as I am, I'm not going to put any effort into improving myself so that women actually find me attractive.

No wonder these young women are rejecting them in droves (and laughing at them).

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 13:45

Tactile generally means they have roving hands and like to slap you on the arse as the follow you through doors.

It's grim older man speak for 'I'm a bit creepy'

PercyWesterman · 07/05/2022 13:57

I realise this is a personal question, but has she ever shared with you her motivation for selecting a much older man? It's fairly obvious why you would think it was a good thing, but as an intelligent presumably attractive young woman, I'm curious as to what her incentive was.

One of the things that I have learned from this thread is that some people spend a lot of time debating the pros and cons of potential relationships before taking the plunge to ask for or accept a date. Not everybody is so clinical.

I have just asked my wife what it was that attracted her to me and, apparently, it was nothing in particular, just lots of little things added up. It certainly wasn’t wealth. I drove a battered fifteen year old tiny hatchback and she finished with new Porsche driving previous boyfriend to go out with me. It wasn’t that she had no choice of men her own age. She is conventionally extremely attractive and I have met several of her previous boyfriends, all her age or slightly younger. She still gets hopefuls. It wasn’t that she isn’t choosy. She ended an engagement shortly before the planned wedding.

I get you 'clicked' but I'm sure there were same age men she could have clicked with too?

I don’t doubt it, but she didn’t find one before she met me.

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