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Original poster

When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

161 replies

Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 11:53

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 28/04/2022 11:56

I fins it creepy your dd calls your bf her big brother. How long have you been with your dp? You sound very young tbh.

Frenchfancy · 28/04/2022 11:58

You should tell your DD at the same time you tell everyone else. She deserves to know. I don't like keeping secrets from kids for no reason.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 12:01

Haha no I’m not young. She was not allowed to say dad to him and she says he is silly like a big brother, nothing creepy whatsoever.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 28/04/2022 12:03

That is a lot of change for a young child. You know how she responds to change. Has you boyfriend been in her life for years or is this new?

I would probably tell her both those things together and then the adjustment will be at two different times - he moves in and she adjusts to that and then there is a new baby and she adjusts to that. I am not sure why your MIL thinks it would be better to wait.

Just remember, it seems in a short time her family has gone from you and her to you, her, her dad, your boyfriend, and a new baby. It is easy for her to feel lost in that shuffle of all these new people in her life.

WesleyNeverDies · 28/04/2022 12:04

I would never lie to my kid about something like that. I agree with PP, tell her when you tell people in general.

Fact is a baby is coming, making it something you spring on her at the last moment, and she realises you were hiding from her on purpose, is only going to make it harder on her.

Make her feel included, special, involved. Otherwise you risk making her feel unimportant and sidelined.

BrimFullOfAsher · 28/04/2022 12:06

I definitely wouldn't tell her yet. Maybe wait until 24 weeks?

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 12:07

He has been in her life since she was 3. Before I got pregnant we walked about him moving in and she said that it’s a good idea and that way he can move his camper van in and we have more holidays.

I wanted to tell her soon and make her super important to it all. She is being promoted to big sister now. It maybe something she really looks forward to.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2022 12:09

Depends on how long you've been together and when he's moving in. Does he have to move in just because you're pregnant?

Kids aren't stupid so she'll realise you're pregnant and you'd be wrong to lie about it.

I'm a stepmum btw, they call me by name and always have done, that's normal and healthy.

Lsquiggles · 28/04/2022 12:10

How long have you and your boyfriend been together? If you have an established relationship and your daughter gets on well with him, surely she'll be excited?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2022 12:10

Ah, cross posted. She's not being promoted to anything, she's getting a half sibling. The reality of that is sometimes different to the idea so try not to put too much pressure on her to be happy or excited. Even if she is she's bound to have complicated feelings about this at the same time as the other big changes in her young life.

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 12:12

How long have you been in a relationship with him rather than him been in her life for?

Lsquiggles · 28/04/2022 12:12

Sorry, just read that you've been together approx 3 years. I wouldn't hide it from her, I don't see any reason too! 12 weeks is a bit early to tell her though in my opinion, maybe wait til you're half way there

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 12:13

Your boyfriend’s mother tells you to lie to your daughter?
red flag right there

layladomino · 28/04/2022 12:15

I would tell her just before you tell anyone else. You can't lie to her. And imagine if she heard the news from someone else?

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 28/04/2022 12:18

I’d make sure she hears it from you and not any one else but at 12 weeks you still have a way to go and that’s a long time In a 6 year olds life so I don’t thinks there’s any rush - but you will start to show and she might ask questions!
do what feels right for you and your bf, his mum can have her opinion but you don’t have to agree with it.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 12:21

She is my best little buddy and I’d love to tell her but I know she had a lot going on. I’d hate for her to hear from someone else.

she has pointed at my belly already as I’m quite slim and showing. I just said I over ate.

OP posts:
EllieQ · 28/04/2022 12:24

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 12:13

Your boyfriend’s mother tells you to lie to your daughter?
red flag right there

Yes, it’s weird that she’s made this suggestion, and that you’re considering it! Like a PP, this made me think you must be quite young as well. You know your daughter better than anyone, why don’t you trust your own judgment on when to tell her?

MrsBertBibby · 28/04/2022 12:24

Has the contact actually started? How is she finding it, and what is the frequency?

Aria2015 · 28/04/2022 12:25

At 6 years old, 9 months (even 6/7 months) will feel like FOREVER. So I personally think telling young children early isn't always for the best, regardless of the situation. If you're not looking too obviously pregnant, i’d keep it quiet a few more weeks / months. I wouldn't lie to her if she asks though and I I would tell her before it's obvious to other people in case you're out and about and someone (rudely!) points it out. Also, how many people know? If it's lots, then i’d tell her now for the same reason I gave before, someone saying something in her presence. But if you've been keeping it under your hat, i’d hold off for a bit longer. Sounds like she has a lot of change going on. I'm sure shell be delighted at your news, but if it upsets or makes her anxious in any way, then she has a long time facing that before an actual baby is here.

girlmom21 · 28/04/2022 12:29

Is your boyfriends mom thinking you might not keep the baby?

I'd tell her at 12 weeks

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 12:31

Op how long have you actually been with your partner rather than the 3 years “he’s been in her life”?

Beamur · 28/04/2022 12:32

Tell her just before you tell everyone else and give her a little time to process it. Tell her 1:1 and don't have your bf with you.
Don't make it all about the baby or that it changes her - let her lead on asking if this makes her a big sister for example.
Don't be upset if she's not pleased! It might take a little while or she might be delighted. My DD had terrible envy for all the new babies her friends Mums were having!
Keep everything else as normal as possible. But don't be surprised if she regresses a bit or wants to be a baby again. If so, I'd keep it light and fun and play along.
Exciting times. Good luck!

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 12:32

Was the pregnancy planned?

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 12:36

@girlmom21 tbh I’ve felt something odd from her. When we told her she didn’t say much. She made comments about me going for my 12 weeks scan on my own. I did want bf to come as I suffered a miscarriage before and a bit worried something will be wrong and I’ll be alone.

we went camping at the weekend and they were there. She didn’t mention the baby once, or even on the quiet ask how I was feeling even tho I spent a bit of time on my own in our van feeling really sick. I find her behaviour a bit odd considering I’m having her grandchild.

I suffered awful abuse for a decade in my last relationship and this time around I want to be really present and enjoy it but I feel like I’m having a dirty little secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 28/04/2022 12:37

2 years together and not planned at all given my age of 39 but we are happy. My boyfriend is such a wonderful person.

OP posts: