When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

[Motherissues1]

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

@Motherissues1 I hope you’re taking note of all the kind and well meaning replies, I’m as shocked as you are how many nasty comments you’ve had. There are clearly some very sad and bitter women out there.

Embrace your lovely news and don’t let people get you down 💐

Same, I call my son mate and bro, I always have done. Better give Social Services a ring just in case

There's no point picking on me about this. I haven't in fact said anything "nasty". OP asked a question and gave context. I was one of the people who responded to this context. My first sentence was "I'm not in the 'he's clearly an abuser' camp", as I think it's batshit to assume that he's an abuser because his behaviour is silly around the child. I also agreed with those who suggested telling the 6 yo after the 20 week scan. I also said it sounded as if there needed to be clearer boundaries and that you shouldn't move in with someone on the say-so of a six-year-old. None of those things is unkind or judgy. And the OP doesn't have to respond to any of those things, either. But if you start a thread on MN, you are likely to get a variety of opinions - some batshit, some kind of reasonable even if you don't agree with them, and some which you might be hoping to hear.

Ok, fair enough - I agree that there have been some nasty comments. I think there have also been some that have been thoughtful and considered and have genuinely tried to point out some of the pitfalls. Saying "aww, hunny" to the OP isn't any more useful to her than being a cow

Well no one's complaining about the helpful posts!
And no one's saying everyone should be simpering towards this, or any OP; but people were making ridiculous, judgemental and nasty remarks about things she hadn't asked about, without also offering up any useful advice. Why do that?

Yes I have taken note of the useful comments. It’s all very new to us all and we trying to deal the best we can with a situation that’s really great but also could be really overwhelming to her.

Its annoying as Cafcass were supposed to start contact back in January but have cancelled and cancelled due to staff shortage and fathers work. So it went back to court last week and now they pushing all the video calls which is new and contact. It should have been well up and running by now and wouldn’t have been such a clash.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. This thread has massively derailed and I’m so tired of how nasty some people are hiding behind their little screens. Honestly am glad to not have encountered many people like this in real life - I hope they continue to take their crap elsewhere.

Tell your daughter when it feels right and you simply cannot dodge the belly questions anymore. I’m sure she will be excited about being a big sister!

@DilysDEau you have assumed I have no boundaries when you have no idea about my family dynamics. Then said we shouldn’t move in on the say so of a six year old, pretty wild assumptions. I’ve just approached the subject that’s all in age appropriate manner. I talk to my daughter like I’ve been advised throughout the court process in age appropriate manners. She is a part of the family and her opinions matter in a age appropriate manner of course.

OP you've been given a tough time by the people on here who like to pick pick pick at every word you say, and then put their own slant on things.

Fuck em. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Tell your daughter when it feels right and you simply cannot dodge the belly questions anymore. I’m sure she will be excited about being a big sister!

100% this. And don't let give too much thought to what your boyfriend's mum says about it, it's really none of her business.

Yes I know I shouldn’t worry about what she thinks. There is this part of me still which is a hang up from about 30 years of abuse that wonders if she maybe thinks I’m somehow faulty and is ashamed. It’s probably not true but I can’t help but think maybe she was hoping he’ll but this one back which makes me feel down. I’m obviously not a bad person and have a lot of good things I add to the relationship like he does but there is this little nagging thought.

@Motherissues1 I get it. I got out of an abusive marriage and I still have a little voice occasionally that tells me maybe it was me who was defective, even though I know it was him. So yeah. I get it. But you sound like a great mum with a good relationship and a boyfriend who's fab with your DD, and now a baby on the way. That's a lot to be chuffed about. All the best

That's not quite what I said, as you will see if you re-read my posts. Much of my initial comment was based on you saying Before I got pregnant we walked about him moving in and she said that it’s a good idea. I said, and I stand by this, that a six-year-old is not old enough to have an opinion about something this huge (and moving in with another man, especially after the traumatic situation that you and she have been in, is a massive thing). I don't think you should have consulted her: if you are quite sure that you have made a decision that is in her best interests (as I am sure you have done right the way through), then you are the adult and your decision is not one in which she has any say. Her opinions do matter, obviously, but not when it comes to things of this magnitude. That's your job as her mum. Approaching the subject in an age-appropriate manner would not involve asking her whether or not it is a good idea for your boyfriend to move in. However, once you have made the big decisions, then she can obviously be involved in smaller ones (choosing baby clothes/bedding etc - all the things that would make her feel included and happy about her new half sibling). She has got an awful lot to contend with at the moment, including having to share you with a newly living-in partner and then a baby, when she is used to being the centre of your world and to you being the centre of hers.

@DilysDEau every inch of your post is both patronising and condescending. How about you understand that OP parents her daughter HER way, and you're just coming across as preachy and judgemental.

You are, obviously, entitled to your opinion. None of us knows the OP or her daughter; all we can all do is interpret the small amounts of information we are given.

And that @DilysDEau is why I wrote this thread and those are the same thoughts I have and precisely the reason I have not jumped in and put her in an overwhelming situation. A lot of the things that have been said have been completely irrelevant. People have different thoughts on parenting and what you should and shouldn’t say and the terms used, this just inevitable but not the question I posed. I’m completely happy with our relationship words and I’m happy that I have spoken to her. Difference of opinion there but again not the question the I asked.

I thought about holding off then about telling her after the scan then holding off again. My boyfriends mother rather coldy said don’t tell her for as long as possible and if she sees my stomach to lie as long as I can. I’m not sure whether she says that out of worry for my daughter or something else. She also commented today that my daughter should not be talking to her dad on the video about my boyfriend. This is unfortunately something I have no control over. She told him about her camping trip etc. I’m wondering if maybe she just isn’t happy with the situation. My boyfriend is and has always been very supportive.

@Motherissues1

She may be his mother, but he chose YOU to be his partner in life.

IMO, I would smile and nod in regards to her comments. Like I said previously, she’ll change when the baby is here. I would just watch out for any kind of favouritism with the new baby and nip that in the bud straight a way.

I think there are a lot of people on here that are way off the mark. I really can't believe what I'm reading. It's like you've got mumsnet-nip in your thread or something.

I didn't tell my oldest dc about my pregnancy until a later scan because I was worried about the impact of something happening, but that's a totally personal choice. She's older than mine was anyway.

Re the bf's mother, unfortunately you can't do anything about her. Maybe she'll come round, maybe she won't. It's not you, it's her. My grandmother was the same towards my aunt, we were all pretty embarrassed by her antics. I assume your bf is happy and that's all that counts.

I actually think moving into a positive, settled environment surrounded by you and your bf, that she clearly loves, is probably going to be stabilising and what she needs as the more unstable ex is on the scene.

So all good. Trust yourself OP. You know your daughter better than anyone. You know you're situation. You were wise enough and strong enough to get away from you're ex. I think you've done amazingly to be where you are now after escaping the abuse.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your suspicion that MIL is just not being happy with the situation. Whatever her reasons, there isn't much you can do about it. You can't un-become pregnant, and she can't censor your daughter (I'd say it was in fact very good that she's talking to her dad positively about your boyfriend - it would be awful if she were anxious about what she should or shouldn't say). The main thing to hope is that she doesn't take out her own thoughts and feelings (which she is entitled to have, whether or not anyone else agrees with them) on either your daughter or your as yet unborn child. If she does, you could quite reasonably have very little to do with her. It's odd that she should be encouraging you to lie. Not telling your daughter before the 20 week scan is reasonable purely because if anything were to go wrong before that, it would be so hard having to un-tell her - not for any 'moral' reason.

Yes @DilysDEau to keep it quite in case something goes wrong then I would get that. It is the dilemma I had. I’m happy and want to tell her and it be something nice after all we have been through but then I also want to protect her from bad news.

She is clearly not happy. She hasn’t said a single thing to me about the baby or how I am. I think the only thing she said was to keep it a secret and carry on as if I’m not pregnant. I get the feeling that’s what she wants. I have no idea why. He is a grown mad who has not met another women who he wanted this with in 31 years before me so it’s not like I’ve taken him. Or maybe that’s the trouble she thinks I brought him to the bad side. I remember saying jokingly when I was being sick that you did this to me and she turned and said you did it to yourself you are grown women and my boy is adorable or something of that calibre.

Oh dear. She sounds like the kind of MIL who would think that any woman had lured her son to "the bad side". The best thing to do with people like that is smile and wave - unless she starts being a dick to your children, in which case it is in their interests to have minimal dealings with her. She has in fact already started being a dick towards your daughter, who couldn't be less responsible for anything that has happened to her if she tried - so she may well go down this route. My dad's mum was a bit like this. Fortunately my dad was able to see it, and she mostly behaved herself because she knew he wouldn't let her see us if she did otherwise!

Some people on these threads 😂👀

All men are bastards, cocklodgers, cheaters and probably paedos.
LTB asap.

Pregnant? —> Are you married? Contraception? How long have you been together? Do you have a house big enough? What is your job? Was baby planned?

Almost every post. Bonus points if you can get in every one of these words / phrases

Except, of course, those who actually are bullying and being unnecessarily nasty.

@Motherissues1 I would be wary of the MIL. It sounds as if she is determined to keep the apron strings firmly tied. You have stolen her precious boy from her.

Please don't lie to your DD about the baby. Tell her soon.
You and she have clearly gone through a lot with the family courts, and she needs to trust you as she starts to be exposed to her abusive father.

I find the whole idea of your 6DD being told you are having a baby with her older 'brother' very confusing.
I get the feeling your BF mother isn't too keen that your relationship with her son has just ramped up a million notches.

Are you misrepresenting how old the older brother/boyfriend is?