When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

[Motherissues1]

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

She calls him her big brother, you call her your best little buddy. This dynamic just seems all wrong.

@Motherissues1 what's your relationship like with her generally?

Is your boyfriend younger?

Your boyfriend has been around for 3 years so it's not like she doesn't know him at all. I'd tell her, kids always know more than what we give them credit for. She'll hear you talking about it at some point. It's got nothing to do with your boyfriend's mum what you tell your own daughter. If he's moving in he's going to be parenting her with you, so encouraging her to call him her big brother is confusing and weird.

So you weren’t using contraception?

Yes I’ve got the feeling the boyfriend is younger too

Don’t lie to your daughter, you lose trust when you do that.

It's nothing to do with your boyfriends mother how or when you feel your DD you're pregnant, so I'm not sure why you're in a tizzy as to what to do. Do what feels right to you! And fwiw of course you should tell her! She needs time to process that she won't be the only child in the house, that's only right and fair imo. Not sure why you're putting so much stock in what your boyfriends mum says!

I can't believe how rude people are being! I don't see how it matters what you call each other or how old you are as long as it's a loving, safe, supportive family unit for all involved. I say my DS is my little buddy too as he's always with me and involved in everything I do day to day, he still knows I'm his mum and we have healthy boundaries in place.
I think you know your child best and even though you don't know how she will react to all the change you will be able to support her through it and make her feel secure which is what matters, so tell her when you feel it's right.

*when you TELL your DD

so youve told your partners mother before your own daughter and she doesnt seem thrilled by it and acting weird

He is 33. She calls him by his name but when talking to people says he is like a big silly brother because he is silly.

she is my daughter and my best little Person. We have gone through a lot.

does he live with his mother presently?

I think his DM thought you were just a girlfriend - not a long term partner - and she's struggling to come to terms with the fact you're actually a serious partner.

All of this.

I would tell her sooner then later, she is not stupid, she has noticed your tummy.
Maybe another 4 weeks but no more. You going to have to deal with it sooner than later. Make sure there is lots of 1:1 time with her. A big contrats.

Agreed
shes 6 and seems to be regarded as a “mate”

I wouldn't lie - if she asks tell her and if not slowly introduce the idea of siblings - she'll need as much time as possible to get used to idea.

I wonder if it's just old fashioned advice from BF mother - I know our families didn't want us telling people - we were married and I was already 13 weeks when they were told - they worried about miscarrage. For a variety of reasons second pg they were informed with everyone else at 20 weeks and that wasn't right either - too late.

Tell her now. There are great short stories explaining pregnancy etc.

WRT his mother, thinking about my kids I wouldn't be thrilled about such a pregnancy. She may just need time.

Actually I said buddy and little person but to be honest who cares and why is that important.

@AskingforaBaskin sorry were you saying if you were them you wouldn’t be happy about our pregnancy?

Oh my goodness such a lot of unnecessary judgement on this thread!

It's not uncommon for parents to call their child their buddy or the like.

It's no one's business if this baby was planned or not, he/she is on his/her way and that's a reason for celebration.

By saying that he is like a silly big brother means that she's aware that he's not her dad which makes things much more straightforward and she's articulating the relationship in a way that means something to her. I'm sure terminologies will change over time, but she calls him mainly by his name which seems fine to me.

Partners mother sounds like a pain. Feel free to blank her advice OP. Your daughter is your child and no one knows her as well as you do so don't let this woman knock your confidence.

Main thing is to enjoy your pregnancy as the happy family you seem to be. Im guessing if contact is being introduced with her dodgy dad, there's likely to be social work involvement. Maybe seek their experience of how best to tell your wee one.

Congratulations! 🥳💐

I'd wait til after the anomaly scan personally, that gives her a few months to get her head around the contact starting up again too, but yes, absolutely tell her.

I would tell her before you tell wiser family/friends, it would be awful for her to find out by accident. Whether that means you wait a little longer or tell her now is up to you but I think someone else letting it slip would be worse for her.

The language you use is so important, 'promoted to big sister', aside from being cringe, implies she has a responsibility. She absolutely does not, she will have a sibling. Involve her (my DD loved helping us pick names, choose little outfits and bought her brother his first cuddly toy) but also reassure her that her position doesn't change, make plenty of time for the two of you to do things together and avoid making everything about 'the baby'.

Your boyfriends DM may have her own issues but her opinion on your parenting is irrelevant.

I can't believe the OP is getting a hard time for calling her daughter buddy.

My DP always refers to DS as buddy. "Hello buddy, how are you today?", "Good morning, buddy", "Bed time now, buddy." It's never occurred to me that it would be considered weird by some. I call him my best pal.

We must be weird parents

Yes. It's not ideal and I'd hope for a better plan as a mother but it is what it is and with a bit of time she will hopefully warm a bit