When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

[Motherissues1]

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

This all just gives me uncomfortable vibes. I don't know why. Its all just off.

How long between your abusive relationship ending and this one beginning op?

I ask because your boundaries seem to be very skewed. Your daughter is 6, has already been in contact with an abusive adult, and is now referring to your boyfriend as her ‘big brother’ which is weird as fuck, no matter how you try to normalise it. That would make the hairs on the back if my neck stand up.

Your posts also seem to refer to her as being older than she is and almost like she is a support system for you, your ‘best buddy’ and going through things together with you.

It’s a little late now, but have you heard of the freedom programme? Ideally you would have done that before starting this relationship, to try and get some normal boundaries up. Abusive men tend to go for vulnerable women, and given you write as someone much younger, are seeking advise from odd people (boyfriends mother) and the situation you are currently in, I still think the programme would greatly benefit you now.

That’s a lot: him moving in (no matter how much she likes him) seeing her abusive father again and getting a sibling.

I’d tell her now because you’re already lying to her about your stomach and you’ve told your boyfriend’s mother.

But - I’d tell her that your boyfriend was moving in before the baby arrives, but postpone him actually moving in a month or more. Give her a chance to get used to it first, she has enough changes.

I’d also knock this “brother” nonsense on the head. That describes the wrong dynamic, putting him in an odd relationship to you. He’s mummy’s boyfriend, known as <name>. Not a brother.

wow this thread is awful, just awful.

Thanks to those offering advice on the topic other then the the judgemental few.

Im glad others have their lives per

At 39, you shouldn’t be taking your lead from his mother.
Why has it taken an accidental pregnancy for the two of you to decide to live together?

How exactly is he ‘silly’ with your six year old daughter?

Tickling? Playing? Messing around?

He is an unrelated adult male, he shouldn’t be being ‘silly’ with your six year old who has already been subjected to an abusive man.

This is wrong.

The impression the OP is giving is that the child is being leaned on to support the mother and the parent/child dynamic is not appropriate.
Ahh the armchair psychologists are here already.

My post got cut off but I can’t be bothered to re write it.
thanks to the helpful ones and love to the bullies out there!

First off congratulations

Unfortunately on this thread you are being subject to a few posters picking every word of your posts to pieces.

IMO tell DD sooner rather than later. Be prepared for her reaction to be anything from wow! to no! to what's for tea? And also for it to slide around between all of these.

Don't worry about DMiL's reaction. I know my DMiL didn't want to talk about pregnancy until the baby safely arrived.

If you bothered to read the OP's posts you'd know they'd discussed it with her daughter before the pregnancy and she was keen on the idea.

If people are going to bash the OP at least read the facts first.

Not RTFT.

12 weeks is too early. A 6-yr old has not much concept of time.
As exciting as a baby is, it's going to be a big shock to go from an only child to being the older half-sibling of a new human being that will need most of your attention.

The family dynamic will change quite drastically, and you and your DD are parent and child, not best mates

Hope it goes well for you all

It’s not clear - did your boyfriend go to the 12 week scan? He should want to go to see the baby for the first time/ support you, and his mother’s opinion really shouldn’t come into it.

From your posts, it sounds as though she’s not keen on the baby/ the relationship in general.

Before I got pregnant we walked about him moving in and she said that it’s a good idea and that way he can move his camper van in and we have more holidays.

that’s quite funny 😄

Id be inclined to wait to tell DD about the baby, maybe till the 20wk scan, just so you should be safe from then giving her sad news if anything should happen in the early days. Congratulations though, I think you’re getting a lot of unfair criticism.

@EvilGoldfish are you having an absolute laugh here!

Our dynamic is solid thanks that’s for those being concerned lol. She is still my absolute best little buddy and always will be. She can tell me anything and she knows I love her very much. She is amazing!

@girlmom21 they talked about it. Which can mean, “so what would you think if one day Lewis moved in with us?”
I have children and a second husband.
I sounded out their initial reactions to the idea long before even wanting it to happen myself.
They may have talked about it - seriously or sounding out - but it didn’t happen.
Which is why I raised the point about it happening now, because of (???) the pregnancy.

Tell her .. it's lovely news and she is part of that , it's sounds like your boyfriend has an establish relationship with her so it all good .. and it might actually help her to take her mind off going to see her dad just look it all really positively and she'll pick up on that

Good grief. There aren't enough eye rolls for this post🙄

What a horrible thread. Been a while since I've seen such horribleness on here.

The sneering "You sound very young tbh" Eh? Is being (or just sounding) young a bad thing? Is that meant to be an insult?

And all the 'the dynamic is all wrong' posters... people do things differently, many of them possibly better than you.

And the rude orders for info on contraception, whether pregnancy was planned, etc. Jesus wept.

OP, in the unlikely event that you're still reading, I think you should tell your daughter you're pregnant at a similar time to telling everyone else. It'd be awful for her to find out from anyone else.

Your BFs DM has other ideas, but that's only her opinion /advice; you don't t have to take it.

No @Motherissues1, most certainly not laughing.

Clearly you don’t think your six year old daughter calling your boyfriend her ‘big brother’ reveals anything about the relationship dynamic.

It definitely does.

Keep calling the people who are picking up on the strange vibe of some of your posts ‘bullies’ if it make you want, but also I notice which questions you are answering and which you are not, which also paints a picture.

The ones I am not are irrelevant.

Cant really be bothered to go through it but…. She says like a big brother because that’s how she articulates it in her head. She knows he isn’t her dad as we have been clear to make sure she is aware of that. She has not had a dad in her life since she was small. He is great builds silly Lego houses, bought her a silly book on poo, makes silly faces out of her lunch. To her that means like a silly big brother.
You are very strange to come to such a conclusion for something so innocent. I married an awful man but not every man is a abuser.

What a horrible thread. Been a while since I've seen such horribleness on here.

I’ve noticed on here it’s all ‘LTB you can do better, get yourself a lovely new man’ which quickly becomes ‘don’t introduce him to your kids or let him play with your kids or you should be reported to SS’. God forbid anyone should move on and be happy. I get cautious but it’s beyond that. I think people sometimes forget there’s an actual living breathing human behind the username.

I won’t be back because this is extremely offensive, talking about my contraception, choosing to move in, my terminology.

Thanks guys for the useful advice. I’ll probably take on board to leave it just until have all the tests done.

I'd tell her, she has a lot going on but this is something good to have in her life

I wouldn't say anything until past 20 weeks unless you are showing. I didn't show with my 2 until around 24 weeks. That gives DC time to adjust and not be overwhelmed. However, I wouldn't lie.

This thread is like a blindfolded archery contest. So many so far wide of the mark it's not funny. More erroneous extrapolations than Dark Ages astronomy. Yes, I'm mixing my metaphors because some of these posts beggar belief.