When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

[Motherissues1]

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

Congratulations!

Also, giving a 🙄 at those posters, who are determined to give you grief over your use of the word Buddy.

my eldest was similar age to your DD when I got pregnant with my youngest. Like PP have said, wait until the 20w scan to tell her as l agree at the moment she has a lot of changes in her life.

In regards to his mother, ignore her advise. Also, ignore the less than enthusiastic responses from her. It will be a different story when the baby is born.

@Motherissues1, you've been given a hard time here and you haven't deserved it.

It sounds as if your BF's mother hasn't really caught up to reality. This is why she thinks it's best not to talk to your DD about the baby and why she didn't seem to want to acknowledge you were feeling sick when you were away together. Maybe she can't wrap her head around the fact that her son has an older partner and a little girl in his life, and a baby on the way on top of that. Hopefully she'll be supportive in the end.

Your BF sounds like a decent bloke and I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

What support does your DD have in place wrt the contact with her biological father? He is likely to be angered by the fact that you have a new partner and are pregnant, and that DD will be experiencing a day to day dad relationship with your BF and not him.

Is he likely to want more visiting hours, less supervised contact, maybe even 50-50 residency? Is he likely to ask your DD a lot of questions about mum's new partner? I ask because abusers tend to be jealous and tend to use children for their own ends.

Does her school know about all the changes in DD's life?

I am astounded about more of the responses on here.

@Motherissues1 has been in a relationship for THREE years and he is only moving in now. People get berated for, moving in or introducing partners very early, but @Motherissues1 has taken her time.

@Motherissues1 please ignore the goady responses. It sounds like both you and your DD, have been through quite a traumatic experience with her DF.

There are some changes in her life on the horizon, and yes they've come at once, but there's not a lot that can be done about that really, and I don't see how keeping the pregnancy secret is helpful.
Its not when she's told that's important, what matters is giving her an anchor point amidst the change, so despite your bf moving in and you being pregnant you stay the same for her.
Personally I'd be more watchful around the resumed contact with her father and the impact of that. Juet stay present for her, no matter what other things you have going on.

Wow! I am shocked at how awful some of these replies are!
op my daughter has always been my best buddy too and she knows it. She’s now 14 and tells me everything that is going on in her life and the lives of all her friends. I know things they won’t tell their parents because they kept a barrier up between them like some of the posters here seem to think you should do.
I never worry about my daughter getting into trouble or having problems that she will hide from me as I know she will always come to me with them. This is because of the friendship we have Built, yes she does know I’m her mum and she knows her boundaries.
You let your DD know she’s your best buddy and with that in mind tell her about the baby sooner rather than later and let her in on what’s happening. My DD was involved all the way through my other pregnancies and helped me with the babies. Not once did she feel pushed out.

I'm not in the 'he's clearly an abuser' camp - but (and I know you said you're not coming back, OP) nobody should regard their small child as their "best buddy". And if the OP's boyfriend is going to play a 'father' role in their family (which he will be doing at some point in the next nine months), her daughter needs to see him as a stepfather, not a big kid. He can still be fun, but not in a quasi-sibling kind of way.

I am also not keen on this Before I got pregnant we walked about him moving in and she said that it’s a good idea. Since when did anyone make such a massive decision based on the say-so of a six year old? These are decisions made for children by adults who (should) have their best interests at heart. Children do not get a say in this kind of thing. A six-year-old can't possibly have a clue what it means having someone else living with her mum (and having a fair bit of her mum's attention when she arguably needs the focus to be on her after her experiences thus far), or what it means to have a new baby in the family. Which doesn't mean it will be all bad - just that a young child can't possibly understand enough to have an opinion that should sway an adult's actions.

That aside, the pregnancy is now a done deal, and I agree with those who say wait until the 20 week scan, but no longer than that.

@elf81 You don't have to be your child's best friend for them to tell you things. I have always had "a barrier" (in that I am their mum, not their BFF), but they have told me some pretty huge stuff over the years. Partly because they know that however bad it is, I am always their mum and will always help them to find solutions, even if I can't always condone what they have done. Friends are very good for agreeing with you and backing you up, but only your mum is the one you can rely on 1000% - and that's because she is a strong, stable and - hopefully - reasonably wise and experienced adult.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

FFS. The OP asked for advise on when would be the best time to tell her daughter about her pregnancy.

But still posters are concentrating on her description of her relationship with her child.

Christ some of these responses boggle the mind. I describe my kids as my best mates and I've still patented them fine. Some people will get their knickers in a knot over absolutely anything these days. Not surprised OP isn't coming back.

Why on earth are people so sneery? So much for women supporting women.

It’s lovely news, OP, and it sounds like your little girl will make a great big sister! I’d get her involved as soon as you’re sure all is well with the pregnancy.

As for the mother in law, it’s not really any of her business when you tell people but I can understand why you feel flat about her reaction. Is it her first grandchild?

Oh my god, so many nasty comments to the OP for no reason. I guess you don't have much going on in your real lives and get a kick out of being spiteful in here.

It does seem an awful lot of changes in a short time. Reconnecting with her father, you moving in with your boyfriend and now a new baby. It would be a mistake to let her find out before you tell her. You will have to play it by ear.

How about you start preparing her by reading stories about siblings and preparing for a new baby. Get her interested and excited and then tell her you are going to have a baby.

Give her lots of time to adjust and think about it rather than hiding it from her.

There is nothing remotely nasty about questioning some of the OP's own comments. Nobody is saying she's a bad person; I just think that some people are taking the background (as given by the OP) into consideration in their responses to the question of when her 6 yo should be told about the new baby. It should be possible to do this without being accused of bullying or being nasty.

some of the comments are horrendous, I’m sorry OP! You definitely didn’t deserve these and there is nothing wrong with seeing your daughter as your little best bud!

You're not a judge and jury and OP is not there to be cross examined. Try and remember we're all just a randoms on the internet and OP doesn't owe anyone further explanations just because she started a thread.

Honestly OP, I'd get this thread deleted. Someone of the replies you've had on here are batshit and down right nasty. You sound like a lovely mum with a great relationship with your 'little buddy'. I also have little buddy, who knows I am mum but can also trust me with anything. Like a buddy!

I'd hate to see your idea of nasty then if this isn't it.
"Whens the best time to tell my daughter I'm pregnant? I don't agree with MIL on this."

Cue posters telling OP her family dynamic is off, her relationship with her child is weird, her child's relationship with her BF is weird, and he's a stranger to her (after 3 years!!) and probably a paedophile. Demanding to know if her pregnancy was planned (no one's fucking business!!) if she was using contraception (ditto!) And the patronising bitchfest that is "You sound very young, OP" amongst other jewels.

This is a nasty thread.

It’s actually been really upsetting reading these comments. I don’t have a lot of real life support and I just wanted some opinions on when to tell my daughter, I only wanted to do the right thing by her like I’ve always done.

Its extremely hard being in a world when you have been a victim of childhood and adult abuse. I’ve worked hard on changing the way I view myself as someone shameful and unloveable. It’s awful to read someone saying if they were his parents they would also not like the pregnancy news. I may not be perfect and have made a lot of mistakes in my life so far but I have made a positive step and have done a lot of work to make sure I leave all that behind.

How awful that someone asks a genuine question and gets these replies. I hope you are happy that you’ve added to the injury of someone who’s had her fair share of those.

Honesty is the best policy here I think, she’s 6 not stupid don’t lie about your growing bump. Tell her about the baby and see if you can coax her into asking about your BF moving in , make it feel like her decision. She needs plenty of time to adjust to the news don’t bombard her with lots of change at once, baby first and a few months later BF moves in don’t have it all within a week.

We don’t currently live in the new house. It’s being renovated….we would literally all be moving newly in together and him renting his out. She has chosen all the decorations in her room and that’s finished. The rest of the house perhaps a couple of months.

Ok, fair enough - I agree that there have been some nasty comments. I think there have also been some that have been thoughtful and considered and have genuinely tried to point out some of the pitfalls. Saying "aww, hunny" to the OP isn't any more useful to her than being a cow.

@Motherissues1 please ignore the batshit replies and remember you have had LOTS of very supportive ones.

You are a survivor. You could have become a broken adult after your experiences , instead you have come out the other side a much stronger person.

Like a PP has said, use stories about having a sibling to slowly introduce the idea. Like you have said, contact is being started and she may experience some emotional fall out from this (if she was three when you left, then she may remember some of the abuse).

for you

I’ve approached the subject a couple of times to test the water about him moving in. Her answers have always been along the lines of he can bring the campervan and the gerbils and the dvds but none of the other junk as she calls it. She said he can have her set of drawers if he doesn’t have any lol.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time on here, OP... I think a few too many posters forgot that this is supposed to be a support site for mums/parents, and that your post was written by a real person who needed advice.

I hope you did find some useful advice on here, and can disregard the horrible posts