When to tell daughter I’m pregnant?? This is boyfriends mother’s advice!

[Motherissues1]

I’m just over 12 weeks pregnant and have a 6 year old. She is just restarting contact via supported contact after a couple of years of not seeing her dad, Who was found guilty of abuse at court.

Its all unexpectedly happened at the same time. My boyfriend will be moving in, daughter and him get on great, she calls him her big brother.

I really want her to feel involved but I don’t want to overwhelm her what with contact starting up. Also boyfriends moving into mine and will rent his.

My boyfriends mum has said that I should not tell her for as long as possible and lie if she asks about my tummy. That kind of makes me said like it’s a dirty secret. I feel excited about showing her the pics and I think she would absolutely love being a big sis as she always talked about it.

I don’t know what to do now for the best!

Tell her once you’re ready to start making it public. I was a couple of years older than your daughter when my mum fell pregnant unexpectedly. She was nervous about my reaction and so just put off telling me until she was about 7 months gone. I didn’t have a clue (was clearly very unobservant) but I remember being devastated that everyone else knew and I didn’t and it made what was a challenging situation worse, I felt alienated from the rest of the family.

Good advice.

I'd tell her fairly soon. She isn't daft, she has already seemed to notice your changing stomach.

If you wait much longer you may run the risk that she either hears it directly from someone else or works it out from something she hears them saying. Then she would wonder why she hadn't been told and that could hurt her feelings. Never mind what your boyfriend's mother thinks, her opinion is of no consequence at all. Just do the right thing by you and your existing daughter.

Congratulations, and I hope this pregnancy goes smoothly.

Congratulations Back in the day mothers tended to tell siblings later, probably because there were less scans and to temper the long time a pregnancy can seem in your Dds eyes. Perhaps this is where she is coming from? I told my older boy {6) when I was twenty weeks and knew the gender. The midwife put a message from baby to him on scan picture, he still has a copy on his wall
.

Time to start ignoring your boyfriend’s mother! You’re 39…set your own rules for what’s right for your family!

I'd wait till the anomaly scan so you can ensure that things are going ok.
Then you will have a scan picture to show her so she can connect the idea of a baby and your growing bump.
At that point it's pretty safe to get buying things, let her be involved as much as she wants. If she doesn't want to be involved, that's ok. She's only 6, it's going to be a bit a shock having a newborn around after the initial aw cute baby moments.

Yes - but do you refer to them as that when talking to other adults? I bet you don't say to a colleague, "oh I went to the park with my best little buddy at the weekend"

Tell her after the 12 week scan and just before everyone else. Make it a positive experience for her. It would be, beyond awful if she found out from someone else

I have a 5yo DD and after my 12wk scan I spoke to her about the possibility of having another baby and then a little later told her I thought I might be pregnant and would she like to do a test with me to find out. I explained what would happen on the test if it was positive and what that would mean. We did a pregnancy test together and she was so excited when it turned positive! I’ve only 3 weeks to go now and she’s desperate to meet baby and give it cuddles. She talks to my bump and includes it in her games and has helped prepare, think of names etc etc. I think the only way to get her to feel excited about it is to include her!

We waited til 20 weeks but that was easy because I wasn’t showing. 20 weeks is already such a long wait for them, why make it longer. Plus will give you more time for things to settle after the re-contact with dad and boyfriend moving in.

I would wait as long as possible. I did with my dd as worried about telling her if anything went wrong. Also because it is a long time for them to wait and possibly worry about new dynamic when they find out early.

I wouldn't have lied if she directly asked but as they see you every day she might not even notice.

I think the OP is getting a hard time for calling her child a word which was so obviously meant with affection!!!

I also don't understand why some people think the mother in law is right to be cautious. It seems to be an established relationship and people in established relationships get pregnant, and yes sometimes it's unplanned-but if both sides are happy for the pregnancy to continue so what! The OP is 39, she may think if she doesn't go through with the pregnancy she may not have another opportunity.

It's not so bad talking to the child 'hey buddy', but to refer to your child as your 'best little buddy' to other adults along with the other posts about calling her mums bf 'big brother' is worrying. The impression the OP is giving is that the child is being leaned on to support the mother and the parent/child dynamic is not appropriate.

Of course none of that has anything to do with saying 'bed time buddy' and even to OP is just based on the information she has given here which is of course bias and subject to the readers interpretation.

Seriously 🙄at some of these responses! You’re in a committed relationship with someone who your daughter sees as family and you’re having a baby, she’d going to get a sibling that’s wonderful news! Of course you should tell her, make sure she knows she’ll still get lots of love and attention and beware there may be some adverse behaviour like returning to babyish behaviour, playing up etc which is all perfectly normal but all in all get her excited about being a big sister and make sure she knows how loved she is. Continue to support her in contact with her dad, it’s important to acknowledge her feelings and validate them whatever they may be. Lots of people have babies with new partners, I was about 9 when my half brother was born and despite my mum not even trying to make me feel loved or included I absolutely adore him!

Congratulations!

to refer to your child as your 'best little buddy' to other adults along with the other posts about calling her mums bf 'big brother' is worrying. The impression the OP is giving is that the child is being leaned on to support the mother and the parent/child dynamic is not appropriate.

I agree with all this.

The depiction of the BF/ DD relationship concerns me. He's not a big brother nor should he act like one. He's going to be a parent soon. He's not DD's parent but should still be a person of authority / responsibility, appropriately.

Have you 'announced' your pregnancy to people you know yet? (Apart from his mum of course). If so- you need to tell her as some well meaning friend will ask your daughter if she's ready to be a sister or something.

If you haven't told people I'd hold off for as long as possible but not tell anyone (and wear baggy clothes for a while).

Totally agree.
You are her parent, you make the decision. Why are you letting your partner’s mum influence this?! You decide when to tell her.

It might also just be that she was the type of parent that didn't tell her child much when they were young.

congratulations! Please don’t listen too much to others, you know your daughter best and of course you want to share this with her as it’s important. It does sound like she has a lot on but really that isn’t going to go away. I would be sure to frame it all around her though and be sure she doesn’t think things like she doesn’t want to upset you as it’s bad for baby or that she’s big sis now and should be able to manage. I only stress this as with her dads history if she has a bad day at contact then be sure she knows you want to hear

Seconding MajesticallyAwkward

I told my children pretty much right away, in large part because during my first pregnancy I'd been quite ill and I didn't want them to worry. I just said that hopefully by (rough time of year of due date), there would be a new baby in the family and in the meantime I might be more sick and tired, but we'll still have plenty of time for (whatever their favourite things was at the time).

I can see the concern if you've a child that's likely to go talking before you're happy to go public or if you felt the long wait might not work well for her, but I'd definitely make sure she knows as others have said before those likely to assume she already knows say anything.

As for the boyfriend's mother, it's possible she's unhappy, but it's equally possible she's of the type where discussing pregnancy much just at this stage isn't a done thing or that she just doesn't want to bring it up unless you do as some pregnant women get very tired if that feels like the only topic.

Why can’t your daughter just call this man by his actual name?
”
Big brother “ and “Dad” are not really appropriate.

Tell her when you start telling adults with big mouths?

Why?

Because one of the stupid big mouthed adults will go up to her and ask her if she would prefer a little brother or little sister when she probably won't give a damn.

So if you aren't telling people until after your 20 week scan then tell her then. If you are telling them before then, then tell her before then.

Some people are being really weird with you OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I would tell your DD when you tell everyone else so she doesn't find out accidentally.

When is DP moving in?

Tell her after the 20 week anomaly scan.