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Original poster

Should I take my husbands name ?!?!?!?!

189 replies

bananamuffin89 · 28/04/2022 11:07

Recently married, always fancied the idea of double barrelling our surnames. I definitely don't want to remove my surname all together, I know this could change in future years, but right now I'm not ready to just forget my name..

Has anyone else felt like this ?
My new husband obviously wants me to take his surname but I'm honestly not ready right now.

Thoughts please, especially when you've had children and thoughts on their surname 🙃

OP posts:
soupmaker · 28/04/2022 17:28

I kept my name. We had kids before and after marriage. Kids got my last name as a middle name and DH's last name. It makes absolutely no difference to us.

Fairislefandango · 28/04/2022 17:34

People always think this is such a gotcha. None of us have any control over the name we’re given at birth.

And yet, we do have control over the name we have later. That's partly why I find it odd that people make such a fuss about women choosing to take their husband's name.

But definitely don't let reading the thread get in the way of a bit of disingenuous 'I always wonder...' silliness.

Ok Hmm I genuinely have wondered this in the past - I wasn't being disingenuous. One poster on a thread saying what they did with their names doesn't answer that question universally.

Ultimately, people can call themselves and their children whatever the hell they like. I'm not remotely anti women keeping their name. I might well have done if I'd liked mine. I wouldn't have saddled myself or my dc with a double-barrelled combo of mine and dh's names though - they just sound silly, whichever way round I put them!

avocadotofu · 28/04/2022 17:35

I kept my name, it's something I feel really strongly about because my surname is a big part of my identity. We double-barrelled our sons name and so far it's not been a problem.

Fairislefandango · 28/04/2022 17:40

I kept my name, it's something I feel really strongly about because my surname is a big part of my identity.

I can imagine feeling that way even though I don't myself. I imagine it would feel particularly important if your maiden name was from a different culture/country from your husband's. I just felt very 'meh' about mine and was soooo sick of correcting how people said it or spelled it!

SoupDragon · 28/04/2022 17:44

Being divorced is a totally different situation to what's being discussed though

you stated that you had to have the same name to be a team. Which is utter nonsense.

lolly07766 · 28/04/2022 17:46

I didn't change my name, my husband is happy with it however he does call me Mrs H which is what his name begins with 😊

doubleshotcappuccino · 28/04/2022 17:48

Everyone has both surnames. No hyphen - has worked brilliantly

BlueOverYellow · 28/04/2022 18:00

Kept my name because it's my name. My name is just as important to me as my husband's name is to him. Not a big deal for either of us.

DCs are double barrelled. They can do what they want when they turn 18, keep them, drop one, change them entirely.

SteelCicada · 28/04/2022 18:03

I never had any intention of changing my surname. It's the name my parents chose for me (and I think they did a good job: I like the way my first name, middle name and surname go together); it has been my name since birth; it is part of my identity. It is not available to be changed. DH felt the same way about his, so he remained Mr Hisname and I am Ms or Dr Myname. When people assume we have the same surname, we politely correct them.

We were definitely not going to be double-barrelling as that would have been too much of a mouthful. The children have his surname, with mine as a second middle name (I have had to draw immigration officials' attention to this when arriving at the Eurostar before DH, and it was fine, though I don't understand why the 'observations' page in children 's passports can't just have an official record of the parents' names). Children are 4 and 9, and just as DH and I know we're married despite not having the same name, they are not in the least bit confused about whether or not I am related to them...

Villagewaspbyke · 28/04/2022 18:03

TheEnemy123 · 28/04/2022 16:32

😂😂 If you say so. Personally, I think a family unit makes more sense if mum, dad, baby all have the same surname. Sorry that my opinion offends you 👍

Show quote history

Why does that “make sense”? And to answer your question please tell me a team where they all change their names to one members name? One that’s not a cult.

StillWeRise · 28/04/2022 18:07

Crazykatie · 28/04/2022 12:30

So what is the point of getting married if you keep your own name and the children have yours as well.

cannot believe I've just read this

Qwill · 28/04/2022 18:24

Crazykatie
“So what is the point of getting married if you keep your own name and the children have yours as well.”

So, in your opinion, why do men get married? Often they keep their own name and their children have theirs as well.

Silly old me thinking the point of marriage was because two people love each other. I can’t believe I got it so wrong.

Qwill · 28/04/2022 18:28

Anyone else think it’s such a shame that all these unusual, difficult to pronounce and spell names, that so many women had before they changed them are now going to die out? In a few centuries time, everyone’s surname is going to be Smith or Brown!

ViaRia · 28/04/2022 18:40

I took my husband’s name. I don’t consider it to be a sexist tradition. To me, the fact that my children, my husband and I will all share a surname is symbolic of a unified family.

I am not saying that couples who choose not to have the same name are somehow less than. I’m just saying that, to me, it is a symbol of togetherness. You could all share a double barrelled name I suppose.

out of curiosity… what happens when, in the future, lots of people grow up with double barrelled surnames and then they decide to marry. Will they become quadruple barrelled? Obviously not…. But to me it just seems like it will all get a bit messy a few generations down the line.

Villagewaspbyke · 28/04/2022 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SoupDragon · 28/04/2022 19:01

He’s Fred, you’re OfFred

What utter nonsense.

Katyrosebug · 28/04/2022 19:21

I took my husbands name, I was really excited about it and looked forward to changing my name. For me it's like he but his name on it when me married me, we're a unit and personally, I don't see the point in not changing it. When our fertility treatment starts, our kids will all share the same name as well

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 28/04/2022 19:59

For me it's like he but his name on it when me married me,

Is this meant to say 'he put his name on it when he married me?'

Yikes. Don't refer to yourself as an 'it' to be branded.

ShandaLear · 28/04/2022 20:14

TheEnemy123 · 28/04/2022 13:21

When you get married, you're supposed to be a team. What kind of team has separate names? Double barrel at the very least. Also, kids should have their dad's surname for me. There would be no child without the father and refusing to let the kids have his name is just marginalising him and acting like the immaculate conception has taken place 🙄

Um, there would be no child without the mother. All the father did was have a shag while the woman grew and carried the child, gave up various types of food and drink, perhaps her career or her career progression…not having his name doesn’t marginalise him. It recognises the woman’s role in bring new life into the world. If anything men should be changing their surnames to the woman’s. This isn’t the 1800’s and we are not chattels anymore.

ShandaLear · 28/04/2022 20:16

Katyrosebug · 28/04/2022 19:21

I took my husbands name, I was really excited about it and looked forward to changing my name. For me it's like he but his name on it when me married me, we're a unit and personally, I don't see the point in not changing it. When our fertility treatment starts, our kids will all share the same name as well

“He put his name on it?” Sounds like he was branding cattle.

JassyRadlett · 28/04/2022 20:58

I don't see the point in not changing it.

This is the bit that honestly baffles me. You don't see the point of marriage unless the woman takes the man's name?

JassyRadlett · 28/04/2022 21:01

out of curiosity… what happens when, in the future, lots of people grow up with double barrelled surnames and then they decide to marry. Will they become quadruple barrelled? Obviously not…. But to me it just seems like it will all get a bit messy a few generations down the line.

Asked an answered on this thread. Both the theory/what happens in countries where this has long been the tradition, and by a poster on this thread whose husband and in laws all grappled with this insanely difficult situation and somehow preserved their sanity.

JassyRadlett · 28/04/2022 21:02

Sorry and I meant to ask, @ViaRia - I understand your point of view on having one name. But did you discuss whose name would change? Or did you just all assume it would be yours?

ChairCareOh · 28/04/2022 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Fairislefandango · 28/04/2022 21:09

Um, there would be no child without the mother. All the father did was have a shag while the woman grew and carried the child, gave up various types of food and drink, perhaps her career or her career progression…not having his name doesn’t marginalise him. It recognises the woman’s role in bring new life into the world. If anything men should be changing their surnames to the woman’s. This isn’t the 1800’s and we are not chattels anymore.

There would be no child without the father either Confused. I am not minimising any of the things you mentioned which women go through, but dismissing the role of a father as 'having a shag' is frankly disgraceful. I'm not sure if you're projecting, but I certainly don't regard my husband's being father to our children that way.

As for men changing their name to the woman’s, you're right that there's no more reason it shouldn't be that way around than the other way around, but implying that men should do this on the grounds of the woman’s 'role in bringing new life into the world' is ridiculous. For a start, not everyone who gets marrued has any intention of 'bringing new life into the world' anyway. And women are just as incapable of producing babies without a man as men are without a woman.