Should I take my husbands name ?!?!?!?!

[bananamuffin89]

Recently married, always fancied the idea of double barrelling our surnames. I definitely don't want to remove my surname all together, I know this could change in future years, but right now I'm not ready to just forget my name..

Has anyone else felt like this ?
My new husband obviously wants me to take his surname but I'm honestly not ready right now.

Thoughts please, especially when you've had children and thoughts on their surname 🙃

My DH changed his name to his first wife's surname. to be fair it was a much nicer surname than his original one. Oddly enough I wasn't going to use that name and neither were my children. I suggested he change to my surname but he said it was enough of a faff doing it the first time.

Never had any hassles over different surnames except my MIL resolutely refused to learn how to spell my surname for over 2 decades. Bless. She was more upset over my not taking DH's ex-wife's surname than she was by him taking it.

There is... a whole lot of insecurity here.

But I think the best is 'there would be no child without the father' (therefore child needs their name) as if the mother is a lovely optional extra. 😂

Luckily my own husband is secure enough to (a) not need to display his ownership of me and (b) not to demand sole naming rights on the kids as some kind of consolation prize for not experiencing (the utter hell of) pregnancy and birth.

As it happens, the kids are double-barrelled; he uses my name for deliveries and takeaways as it's more common and easier to spell. But we don't all need the same label to make us a strong, loving family any more than we need matching hats.

@TheEnemy123

😂What a load of nonsense!! Change your name if you want, but you don’t need to make excuses! Torville and Dean were a team, they had separate names. Every single ‘team’ I can think of keeps their own name. There would also be no baby without the mother, so by giving them the father’s name (according to your logic - and I use that in the loosest term) you are marginalising the mother! I’ve read a lot of bonkers things on here, but I think this probably takes first place!!

I think the idea that kids should keep mum's maiden name because "she did all the work carrying them and giving birth" is completely ludicrous. It's hardly as if the man has a choice to go through pregnancy and could therefore decide he would do the "hard work" so the kids could have his name instead.

I did change my name, because it felt like a nice thing to do, symbolically joining myself to my DH. If I had my time over, I'd double barrel our names and BOTH change our names. But it never occurred to me as a realistic idea at the time (a bit of a mouthful).

One reason I changed my name was my inlaws were sad that their family name is dying out and really hoped we'd have kids to bear the name into the future. I've had two kids, both with their dad's name. On my side, there are already kids wit our family name.

I do miss my maiden name because it was lovely. And I definitely did feel strange changing my name at first, but I didnt feel like I'd "lost my identity". I cannot imagine why a voluntary name change would make people feel their personal identity had been infringed. My name change added to my identity, if anything - giving a significance to this idea of a before- and after- marriage version of myself; the "me" before this huge commitment to the man I love, and the "me" after that commitment.

I hope I never divorce as I don't know what I'd do - changing name when you are established in a career seems like a hassle but I guess people do it.

You're entirely welcome to your opinion, but I feel like the child having the mother's name is sort of like them being a little unit and the dad is then on the outside of that.

Just my opinion. I'd be fully prepared to double barrel my own name if that was the compromise, but I find the separate names thing weird, personally.

In my culture women don’t change surnames traditionally and kids take their dad’s surname. My DH is English and I am socially known as Mrs DH name as well as ms/miss maiden name. I have cards in both names but passport etc in maiden name. I have come across issues at U.K. immigration where I was travelling with my kids and they wanted to see evidence (eg letter) that DH was happy for kids to travel with me (we have different surnames). My kids have never had an issue when travelling with in-laws or DH without me as they share a surname.

I think it’s sexist of immigration and that children’s passports should have the option of having both parents, 1 parent or no parents’ names on it.

I kept my name. Husband kept his. he never asked nor expected me to. Children have his name. Has never caused any administrative difficulties. I think it would have been more cumbersome to change my name and have to inform every agency/company/workplace etc.

I thought what I did was fairly standard, but I’ve been bemused by the number of friends & family that can’t wrap their heads around it and persistently address me / refer to me as Mrs [husbands name]. Very irritating!

@LollyLol just because the dad doesn’t have the option to get pregnant doesn’t mean he should get the sympathy and the name. Women don’t get a choice and from the sound of things pregnancy and labour sucks so we have it worse

I think it’s sexist of immigration

it's not at all sexist. It happens the other way round too.

Utter rubbish. My name is my name, the one I was given when I was born. I've inherited it from my dad, but it's not his name any more or less than it's my name.

And I gave it to my son. Now it's his, too.

I got married well over 20 years and at the time I got married there was no expectation from my husband that I'd take his name. I've kept my name, and added his (no hyphen). DC have both names in the same way I do.
Never been an issue.

I changed my name on marriage to my first husband and again when I married my second.

Had kids with first none with second. So kids have a different name to me.

My maiden name is so ugly I was relieved to do it.

I like having the option. I chose to do it. What pisses me off is being told that I am in some way a victim of the patriarchy . To me it's about choice pure and simple.

My best mate changed hers in first marriage. Had a child with someone else who has her maiden name - she then remarried but kept her former married name because she likes it. Her 2nd husband is an actual grown up - is not phased at all because quite rightly believed whatever she wants to call herself is no one's business but her own.

You do what makes you happy. I did change my name when I got married as I had no emotional connection to my given surname. It was my dad’s name, we were never close, barely saw him, he died 20 years ago, no relationship with his family. My mum had long remarried (to an arsehole) and I’m actually NC with her now anyway.

I really wanted a fresh start with a chosen family and dh’s family became ‘my family’ more than my own. As years went on and we now have dc, and I’m glad I have the same name as them - though that doesn’t mean it needs to be your dh’s name. But my dc are my only biological family so I’m glad we share a name.

There are so many options though and it isn’t just take your dh’s name or not, but you have to be happy with your choice.

Double barrelled our surnames, DD has the same double barrel. I hope she never takes a future partners name and they can work out something equal. She might never marry , who knows.

I never changed my name. My child had the father's surname and to be honest, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. If someone is interested in knowing whether I'm the mother, they'll ask.

I got divorced after 18 years of marriage and I'm glad I didn't have to go through the pain of changing it back

I changed my name. I didn't want to but husband said he would be offended if I didn't. I wish I hadn't. I wish our kids had double barrel names. I should have fought harder. Why should his identity be more important than mine?

@SoupDragon - as in fathers get stopped if they are travelling with children (with the same name as them) without the mother

OR
fathers get stopped if they are travelling with children (with different name to them) without the mother.

i take a copy of my marriage certificate, but it annoys me.

I kept my name and double barrelled dd. I’m a feminist and feel no need to be a man’s chattel.

it’s funny how on these threads many women have names that are hard to pronounce but their dh never have the same issues. If my name was troublesome I might go to the hassle of changing it but to something splendid rather than just my dh name. But it’s easy enough anyway.

My new husband obviously wants me to take his surname but I'm honestly not ready right now.

It might be customary but I don't see how it's obvious. What did you agree when you discussed it before you married?

I kept mine. Never considered it an option to change it. I'm not a chattel!
Husband kept his. Kids have both though we have always said they are welcome to decide if they want to drop one once they are secondary age. Eldest is 17 and has just renewed passport, still choosing to keep both though we reminded him if he wanted to change now is a good time. He said he likes having both!

My parents don't like it, they are worried people might think the children have unmarried parents. As if anyone gives a toss these days, not that I'd care if they did.

It's not "obviously " at all

My husband would have been stunned if I had suggested changing my surname to match his.

I did not change my name, but gave DC DH's surname as my own has unpleasant connotations.

No, don't.

Omg the handmaidens of the patriarchy are out in force here today.

Were there not many dishes in the sink?

What a crock of shit.