Should I take my husbands name ?!?!?!?!

[bananamuffin89]

Recently married, always fancied the idea of double barrelling our surnames. I definitely don't want to remove my surname all together, I know this could change in future years, but right now I'm not ready to just forget my name..

Has anyone else felt like this ?
My new husband obviously wants me to take his surname but I'm honestly not ready right now.

Thoughts please, especially when you've had children and thoughts on their surname 🙃

I get really sad when friends update their Facebook etc and their surname is gone - such an erasure of identity.

You might consider your surname (which you presumably inherited from your father) an important part of your identity - but not every woman does. The name of my father didn't define my identity, so changing it does not erase my identity. I am still who I've always been.

Oh yes but you see I felt very disrespected he did not take my name, he felt oh so disrespected I didn't take his ... somehow our disrespect for each other cancelled each other out and we jog along fine

You could just add his name after whatever your current full name is, so your current surname becomes a middle name (or a double barrelled surname).

I know a few familes where the DH and DC all have one name and the mum has her original name, personally I think that’s confusing to the DC and that it’s nicest (and easiest at airports etc) when whole family has same surname.

But is easy for me to say cos my original surname was crap (think similar to Pratt) so I ditched it with glee.

So what is the point of getting married if you keep your own name and the children have yours as well.

Wow - do you really not know the answer to this? Do you actually think the point of marriage is to change your name?!

Hummm... yes true the only point of marriage is an admin point you can also achieve via an online form should you so desire ... what was I thinking 🤔

Marriage is a life long commitment between a couple backed up by a legally enforceable contract. It doesn’t matter what names are used. Changing your surname is merely a now outdated tradition to signal to society your status as married. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the facts of being married or unmarried.

Didn’t change my name, kids are double-barrelled but I know that’s a Mumsnet no no 😂 husband didn’t care in the slightest.

I never changed my name but Christmas card time is a nightmare. People assume things or disapprove.

It can be awkward if Id doesn't match up, so pick carefully & don't swap about.

For some of us, marriage is a commitment that goes somewhat deeper than nomenclature....

See I find this genuinely interesting one of the reasons I thought it was nice for kids to have DH name was because I have already the special thing of being pregnant / feeding etc the kids, it was nice for them to have this name bonding thing as theirs, but I think I am in a minority with that. And I did consider giving my second child my name and half wish I had.

My new husband obviously wants me to take his surname but I'm honestly not ready right now.

OP, why 'obviously' here? Is he also going to change his, or is this something he wants you to do while nothing changes for him?

I don't think it's obvious that a woman should change her name at all on marriage, unless it's something she honestly wants to do, any more than it's obvious that a man should do so as a sign of his commitment to his new wife.

I tend to think any marriage that gets hung up on what the woman calls herself/what title she uses is a bit shallow to start with; these choices should be for the individual without any pressure or expectation from their partner.

Your marriage is about the two of you and your relationship. It's no stronger or weaker depending on what you call yourself.

Same here. Kept my own name. DH kept his. Kids have both our surnames.
The creche used to keep dropping my surname part when writing or referring to the kids until I sharply corrected them. I know if our names had been reversed they would have still dropped my part. Total sexism. My name is important to me professionally and personally.

OH family think it's a bit weird that I kep my name and our kids have both but I don't care. I think it's a bit weird that SILs have taken on v odd sounding OH surname and one has given up her lovely rare surname to take on her DH's family's rather common one "as it is tradition". But obviously I didn't say anything as it is their decision and I respect that.
People should do what they want and not be bothered about it. Most of my friends kept their own names upon marriage but gave their kids their DH's surname. I would never lecture someone for keeping or giving up their name but plenty of people love to give you their opinion on it!
Personally I would have loved if my DH took my name but he didn't want to as society seems to think that is weird. I respected his decision but feel sad that men feel uncomfortable about doing this when women are still pressurised/expected to give up theirs, though that seems to be thankfully easing. I despite when I hear of men sulking or kicking off when their wife doesn't want to take their name. Ugh!

Nope didn’t even consider it. I’m not his property and so why would I? Also, there’s always a risk of divorce (which I did). Too much headfuck to unravel names. My name is part of my identity and I hold it very dear. My father is a brilliant man, who achieved great things for our family and society (unlike the gutter where ex-DH emanated from). I’m proud of my name.

I didn't change mine. I just didn't see the point. I vaguely thought I might change it later if we had children and they had his name...

Three children later, they all have DHs name. I'm estranged from my family and although my name is my name, I wanted it to stop with me and for my children to have a name which connects them to the extended family who are actually in their lives.

I've still never changed my name and it doesn't bother me having a different surname to my children. I still gave birth to them and we are no less a family because we have different names. It's just never felt important. There are occasions when people call me Mrs DhSurname by mistake, but that doesn't bother me either and it happens to him in reverse too, to be fair. My children know I have a different name and have never seemed bothered but one of them is still very young.

@Crazykatie are you this subservient in other aspects of your life? The poin lot of marriage transcends giving up your name.

Oh, also, I never considered double barrelling because I have two middle names already and they are quite long so it just seemed like too much name!

I did and have no regrets. It’s my name now.

I did consider keeping my old surname, fearing I would lose my identity if I changed. I didn’t. I’m still me.

I came on here to say it isn’t obvious that a man wants you to change your name to his, dh never did. There again he is a feminist.

I changed mine because my husband's name is lovely and my old name was ugly & everyone spelt & pronounced it wrong - it was a stupid version of another common name. Had I not changed, kids would have shared my surname 100% - no question.

It's YOUR name. Do exactly what you want.
Ignore people saying it's disrespectful if you dont, ignore people who say you're a pawn of the patriarchy if you do.

You get to chose YOUR name - do what makes you happy.

Why obviously? My husband couldn't care less and I had no intention of changing the name I've had for 40 years.

Kept my surname, kids have his. Never an issue with travel etc but we always travelled together with the kids. Schools just assumed we weren't married but that never bothered me. No regrets but it definitely wasn't that common 25 years ago. Most of my friends never thought to keep their own names but think it's becoming more common now. For me, there were too many historical associations with viewing a wife as property/extension of husband and not as a separate entity for me to ever consider changing it.

I thought it might get the feminists going, so it’s all about the contract, retaining your individuality, not appearing a family.
I must discuss this with my sons!.

I agree, not all men are desperate for you to take their name or offended if you don't. My DH never even really asked about it because he assumed I wouldn't, and he certainly isn't bothered - although his parents are!