HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

Life is for living. Yes, it’s far away but it doesn’t mean its forever. It gives your friends and family a reason to visit too! Maybe he doesn’t feel like you’re supportive of his dreams.

What if the shoe were on the other foot? Wouldn’t you want him to be supportive? He’s probably giving you an ultimatum because he feels like he has no other choice.

Sounds like a hell of an adventure! To be honest, I would go. Is it worth breaking up your family because you’re not open to trying something new? Could you agree to go an give it a real try for 2 years? If you don’t like it you move back?

You won’t regret going, but you would regret staying and losing your family. Even if it doesn’t pan out you can say you gave it a try.

Personally, I would say ‘yes dear’ and ignore him for now. Who knows what will happen in 5 years time. No point in worrying about it now. I want to be 2 stone lighter in a year, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

@DahliaRose3

Yes, it’s far away but it doesn’t mean its forever.

It could be though, as once they're there he can legally block her from going back to the UK with their son.

Could you agree to go an give it a real try for 2 years? If you don’t like it you move back?

See above.

You won’t regret going, but you would regret staying and losing your family. Even if it doesn’t pan out you can say you gave it a try.

See above.

And this is a man who has not shown a willingness to compromise and has behaved appallingly at times:

"He was a nightmare because he said I was miserable for moving (at 4/5 months postpartum) and he actually made me leave one evening."

So no, OP shouldn't feel obliged to be the one keeping the three of them together. She's done nothing but try for years while he's done what he wants and let her be the responsible grown up. It's his turn to step up as a partner and father. He won't though by the sounds of it.

I know a married couple who moved to Australia. He hated it and returned after 2 years alone. She is still there. This was many years ago and they have both moved on since then but I know it was a tough decision for them . But ultimately they wanted different things. They didn’t have children though.

You also have to bear in mind they even in happy relationships, people can change their minds about where they want to live so even if you agree to try it for a couple of years, you may then disagree on what to do next!

One of my friends experienced this a few years ago. Happily married and living in the USA with her DH and children. He’s always said they’d move back to the UK if she wanted to. Her parents were getting older so she said she thought it was time.. but both he and their children disagreed! They’re happy where they are. So she’s stayed put.

She’s accepted the situation, but she told me that she was shocked how adamant they all were that they didn’t want to leave.

Dahlia Rose3
Yep.
Too many women are quick to write off as man's ' careless words ', bit complain when they are misunderstood.

If you can't take the risk...maybe ask him to go get work & s home, & if he still wants you , you'll follow.?
if you both can't stand not being together, you'll both know.
That, it seems, is the compromise.

But...if he's genuine but just clumsy, he may feel you're not prepared to follow his dreams for a better life.

It's not an easy situation.
Life isnt easy. Nor often black & white.
Men also have great insecurities .
Maybe he doesn't like England...it seems he doesn't like your or his relatives...that's pretty common yknow !!

I'm summary....only you, him, & your child matter. It's only about you 3 . Nobody else.
Good luck !

This. Honestly OP, he sounds horrible.

Urgh, reply fail.

TopCatsTopHat · 27/04/2022 18:15
His desire to live in oz outweighs his desire for his son to grow up with a father!!! Wow.
Your reluctance to go along with this zero choice decision doesn't stem from being unreasonable it stems from your instincts screaming at you that removing yourself from all your support network social and financial and placing your future in the hands of someone who is willing to cut you loose if need be is highly unwise.

This.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, the way he is approaching it if not the best way. Have you ever watched "Wanted down Under" BBC 11.30 on a Sunday. I love watching it and would have loved to have gone to Aus. Think you need to have a proper sit down discussion. Nothing wrong with wanting to emigrate and have dreams. And it is common for one to want it and not the other and then it changes. Watch some of the programmes together and get a feel for it. But both of you have to listen to each others ideas on this, as there is always one that wants it more than others. I knew some one that went to austraila with her husband and kids and was there for years and marriage ended and she came back home with the kids and did not get stuck in Australia. You need to do proper research before you say yes or no. Your husbands job may not even be on the list of jobs that they are looking for. Good luck.

Pretty insightful summation I must admit !!

Only they know how " rocky" their relationship is

RTFT
The OP describes various things which have happened in the relationship. It certainly is not a stable relationship.

It’s a mid-life crisis thing. My DH said this, not to live but that when he was 50 he was going to go travelling for 2 years! I said we couldn’t come, 4 kids in school etc do he said he’d go alone!
I just ignored him, he said it a lot and he was serious. I just knew that if he went I’d never let him back. He didn’t go.

The thing is there are so many things you have to factor in and it isn't the same as going to say Germany or Spain . People say things like gives a reason for family and friends to come and see you. Let's say it's a couple you can easily be talking £5 k a time with flights and spending money and that's presuming you have the room to put them up and do you really want friends and relatives staying 2 and 3 weeks a time - some would- but many wouldn't. Not that many people can just drop cash like that every year or so, same in reverse if you want to visit UK. There are considerations as to whether you can work ref visas. There are lots of places in the world where lifestyle is better but it's hard to make it work unless you have few ties in the UK or aren't that bothered about the ones you have-- if I was going a damn good distance I personally would prefer California and with sports related quals not a bad option and half the distance.

I'm English (and Irish). Married to an Australian who was already here settled on a work visa when we met. He has a British passport now and is settled. We have no children. Even under these circumstances, when it would actually be reasonable after a long time in the UK for us to go to Oz - there is just no way in the world I'd do it. No bloody way. When your gut is telling you you're not going to be happy listen to it. The ultimatum he is holding over you in your circumstances is awful and puts so much pressure on you. I've been to Oz many times and stayed for long periods. It is not all its cracked up to be and it isn't England but hot and better. Just because he has no time for his and your family, why does that mean you leave yours behind? Believe me you'll be leaving them behind. He's trying to set a clock ticking - I'd just throw that clock in the bloody bin and say absolutely not right now. If he can give up his partner and child for some nebulous notion of a 'better life' thousands of miles away, then more fool him.

Wherever you go - there you are.
There is no escape, only abandonment. That's what he is really telling you as far as I can see. Good luck.

But it's not 100 times better is it? It's got nice weather thats it. No culture, far from anywhere, nanny state and just not that diverse and I have been there but that's My experience plus no family or friends . If she goes, she will regret it because he doesn't sound nice and seems manipulative. I agree with the courts etc if they split up., It's just a massive red flag and if OP is happy here and settled it would be massive upheaval. I honestly wouldn't do it.

Why do some posters think that sunshine is the be all and end all? The Op is going through possible serious life changes and posters are making flippant comments about beaches and BBQs as if that's the most important thing....I mean, really!

This is true, I am also planning to move to Australia and there is So Much red tape and things that you have to do in order to be basically for lack of better word "accepted"

What is with the influx of “just gooooo! England is shit!” male apologist posts? The OP’s husband is not ‘clumsy with his words’, he’s a lazy, selfish, cunt who has repeatedly used, abandoned and failed his wife and child.

He won't want to look after him himself but he'll know by blocking your son from leaving that you won't go either, because you wouldn't, would you?! . You'd be trapped there, caring for your son while he does what he likes and refuses to let you go. This happens. There's been threads on here about it before.

I know, probably the same posters who think Oz is the land of milk and honey with no problems, Aus is ok but it has it's issues like any country in the world. The husband is acting like a spoiled teenager who wants to go backpacking, not a married man with a child.

He’s said where his priorities are, I’d tell him that’s fine you aren’t the priority to him, leave now as you are not putting your child through the trauma of being second best to a country that frankly he doesn’t even know as hasn’t been to it, certainly hasn’t lived in it, he doesn’t even know if they’d have him anyway!

don’t put your child or yourself through 5 years of his constant ultimatum BS, if you go he could stop you leaving with your son! You’d be stuck there, do not risk this!

tell him your life is more important than his pipe dreams and as such he’s free to go now because you want a divorce, your family whom you said get on with and love, will support you am sure 👍👍

he has been less than supportive in the past, he would use your child to force you to stay there IF were accepted, not a risk I’d take with such a selfish prat!!

Honesty if he really loved you he wouldn’t go without you, and not to be rude but what sort of dad leaves their young child because they want to live in a different county. I’m so sorry for you and I know for you you’re emotionally involved with this man, and it must be heartbreaking! but please if you don’t want to move then don’t. He is so selfish and the sooner you let him go the sooner you can move on and find happiness

I will add by not been to it I mean to live, a holiday doesn’t show you what day to day is like, it won’t be all fun in the sun like he thinks, does he want you to go because he knows you are more likely to be accepted then him by default?

he’s a part time partner anyway, only there at weekends? Cut him loose, give him the life think wants, he sounds very narcissistic and is gaslighting you to feel is your fault when it isn’t, to cut your support off and rely on him when he’s shown repeatedly he won’t do that is why your instincts are all screaming no!

good luck 👍

Wow that’s really tough OP, sorry you’re going through this.

have you tried talking to him about why he wants to move there so strongly? To identify the underlying reasons? Maybe the needs and feelings he has can be satisfied in another way than by moving..?

if you really don’t want to move and you’re certain of that, it’s probably best to make that crystal clear and then let him make his decision based on that. No way can he expect to be in a marriage and be a father and living on the other side of the world.

if you truly don’t want to move there, it would put you in a very hard situation if you did it just for him. It would also put him under a lot of pressure to make things work out there.

my husband and I met in the UK where we both lived (none of us are British) and I finally convinced him some years ago to move to my home country. It’s a bit different to your situation, but he isn’t really happy here. I still don’t regret it on the whole as we are better off here and in many ways were struggling in the UK, but it has put a massive strain on our relationship. I’ve recently told him that if he says the word we can move back to the UK or to another country and I truly mean that. But he’s not sure where he wants to go and wants to give this country a bit more of a chance.

A happy family isn’t happy unless all of its members are “happy” (not all the time obvs, but in general feel that their needs and dreams are taken into consideration). So it is difficult if either of you have to sacrifice a lot to stay together.

Try to find a compromise is my best advice - does it need to be Australia? How about another European country or satisfying the need for adventure some other way..career wise or getting an exciting second home or moving to another part of the country..just working out what’s behind his need to move. In my experience, when you think you need to move to another country, it’s very rarely about that country but rather about problems in your current situation that you think you can escape/change by moving. Unless you’re 18 and literally just dying to see the world, which I gather he’s not.