HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

@SillySausage01

Please read this thread for the reality of a poster who was in a similar situation as yours. The nightmare of it all has gone on through multiple threads starting at least 2 years ago.

In case the link doesn't open:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?

please is he mad. does he know that hundreds of fruitbats dropped dead from a tree last summer because of how hot it was? They just died.
Google it and see if he wants to go?

I was in a similar position about 10 years ago. DH told me he took a job in Australia and we are moving in 6months. He is Australian and his family is there, but i told him before we got married that i want to live in Europe.
we didnt have kids and i decided to go with him. I was early 20s and it seemed like a cool country and a fun adventure.

we stayed there until i was pregnant with my second child. I told DH that i booked one way tickets for us to go back to my home country, because i wasnt gonna raise 2 kids far away from my family. He came back with me luckily, but i would have gone with or without him. I loved Aus, but my family and friends are my life and i cant be without that.
DH grew up in several different countries and his family lives all over the world, hes not as attached.

Dont go if you really dont want to, but maybe settle on a compromise and go for a few years? Australia is absolutely amazing and we still go back there all the time for weeks/months at a time.

He came back with me luckily, but i would have gone with or without him. I loved Aus, but my family and friends are my life and i cant be without that.

Dont go if you really dont want to, but maybe settle on a compromise and go for a few years?

As you say though, you were lucky as your husband agreed to come back with you.

You say you would have gone with or without him but had he wanted the kids to stay in Australia then legally you'd have been screwed. And I'm assuming you wouldn't have gone back without them?

So while it's usually nice to compromise, she would be doing so taking a massive massive risk of being stuck there if it doesn't work out. And based on him being a selfish partner who she said made him leave when their baby was 4-5 months old, this seems like an even greater risk than it would be with another partner.

He thinks YOU owe HIM? Just tell him
the truth op - you’ve bent over backwards supporting him, moving house for him, while having and looking after your first baby and he has never once been there for you in the big things so you’ve done your last move for him. You’ve about given up hope that he will ever take any responsibility for his family, being married to him is more like having a teenager who comes home on weekends. And that you will
not move one more time until he’s providing for you, that as a sole provider Mum your child actually needs you, unlike your husband who’s just using you to fund his dreams.
Really I’d leave now. I have a 6yo. I’d far rather my baby grew up with a separated dad than have to tell my 6yo dad was leaving. Which seems inevitable, he’s far too selfish to stay.

The op would not have been screwed taking her dc home alone from a holiday to Australia. Neither of them are resident or citizens and there’s no way he could keep them there. It’s different if he moves and they trial living over there.

If you didn't have kids and/or you had a rock solid relationship, I'd be more tempted to say give it a go.

But the things you've said about your relationship do not say good things about it or your partner. You've described some really poor behaviour on his part, and I'd be taking this time to think about whether you want to be with him at all. What do you get out of being in a relationship with him? What does he contribute? How does he help your son grow and develop, and what behaviours does he model when he is around?

And, even if you do stay with him, given that you have a child (and, especially, an already shaky relationship), I definitely don't think you should move to Australia with him. Moving countries is stressful. Finding a house, new jobs, a school, childcare, new friends, sorting out doctors and dentists and a new healthcare system, all the immigration paperwork. It's not easy even if you both really want to be there. It puts strain on solid relationships. It can break them, especially if one partner settles and is happy, and the other is miserable and feels isolated.

And if you hate it there and want to move back to the UK but your partner objects to you taking his child out of the country away from him, which he might even if he doesn't want custody, the courts will probably decide it's in your child's best interests not to be uprooted from their life in the country they call home, whether or not their parents have split up. So you would either have to stay, miserable, or leave your child when you move back to the UK - which you probably wouldn't want to do.

Don't move to Australia. Tell him if he really wants to do this, he should go without you and your son, try it out for a year, see how he does, whether it's what he expected and hoped for. It'll give you both time to think about your relationship, if nothing else, and the practicalities of the whole situation might make him rethink.

I'd leave him now and considering he's going to ditch any meaningful relationship with your son at a vulnerable age I'd stop contact now to save your son the heartache

People all saying better lifestyle in Aus.
I live in Melbourne.
Cars are stupidly expensive- all imported.
Houses in suburban Melbourne start at AUD700,00 (and that is the very outer suburbs). Houses closer to but not in the city are usually 1.4m (700,00 pounds)
www.realestateview.com.au/real-estate/44-athol-street-moonee-ponds-vic/property-details-buy-residential-14120236/

1 bed apartments are cheap but that's because so many have been build and they are awful- 80 storey cheaply built blocks with no escape plans.

Tickets for theatre production are usually AUS 170ish ( so 85quid) upwards
Tickets to concerts start at AUD280 (so 140quid).

So having a lifestyle can be horrendously expensive.
That is probably why everyone packs their kids off to sports- a cheaper weekend activity!

So people who do not live here saying 'go to Aus for the experience' it is a huge financial outlay for a try out adventure

@SillySausage01 your DH is already partially disconnected from your family due to spending most of his week alone in his own accommodation.

This will make him self centred and he hasn’t had the opportunity to bond properly with you guys as a family and understand what that is about.

Getting you all in the same place for a year or so - to assess the relationship - would be important before going anywhere further afield.

For your DC to hop about all over the place in the first five years of live is not great, if you are going to Australia then go at the point where he is just entering school - otherwise you are getting the child settled to then pull them out again.

It sounds to me your DH has had this really extended semi adolescence where still training into 30s and hasn’t had to face the grind as yet - life can be monotonous sometimes but you find the good. It will be the same in Australia once the novelty of sunshine etc. wears off.

A suggestion could be that he buggers off for 6-12 months to do another internship in Australia to see if he actually likes it (if that is possible?) or to go out there and establish himself before carting the whole family over.

It sounds like you have a good job yourself and strong family support. It could be unwise to jeopardise this for a potentially unstable situation with a man who doesn’t have a solid track record.

If you want different things, you want different things, please don’t feel you have to go - it has to be for you and DC too.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

I just don’t see any way for the relationship to recover op. He has no capacity to see your continued investment in the relationship and that all he does is take, so he’s never going to reverse it. If he seriously thinks you owe him instead of the reality- that it would be hard for him to repay to the relationship all that you have put into it and him, then he is absolutely not going to be able to turn around and put back into it. You need to make it clear to him right now that he owes you, a lot. And you will
not move again until he is feeding back into the relationship and paying his way. You have a child to
look after, it’s blindingly clear he doesn’t see that as his responsibility so you will need to be responsible enough for two parents. Save money for you and your child, don’t give any more to him. You’d be better off claiming child maintenance, he doesn’t even live there. Ask him what he plans to do to make having him a better deal than getting child maintenance while he’s still in the country.

I’m in melb and I thought your comment was fair until I got to concerts. Ed Sheeran next year was about 120-200. In pounds that’s more like 70-120, ie very standard!
moonee ponds is a swish suburb, we couldn’t afford it when we bought our first home over a decade ago and we have a nice life with one of the expensive homes you are talking about.
it is expensive, no one’s denying that , 6-700k doesn’t get you more than a standard apartment within 10km of the city. I would add that this is cheaper than an apartment where we lived in zone 3 in north london though!
this is all irrelevant, it would be insane for the op to move even next door with this narcissist. She need to focus on her child and her career. What’s the Irish blessing? Give me the courage to make changes and and the wisdom to recognise what I can’t change? The op can make a difference in her career and for her child. She can’t make this selfish man prioritise anyone other than himself and he doesn’t care who he hurts on the way.

marriage/relationship counselling is essential for you both. but beware--you need to find someone you both trust and respect. it might take some shopping around.

Get rid

The Op's husband has been such a bludger ~ good kiwi/ozzie term for a sponger ~ for so long and, as someone up above has said, still lives like a student or teenager. He is a father but doesn't live a 24/7 father/husband life. How on earth will he find the drudgery of that when the time comes?
Some people have suggested he go to Australia on a trial. I would definitely not be advising this. A) It gives him the idea that the family moving to Australia is a possibility when that is the last thing the OP wants to do, for good reasons. B) It rewards him ~ once again, he gets what he wants-but-better!! He could again live the bachelor lifestyle but in Australia. How does that suit the OP unless he really is a bachelor because she has had the sense to LTB. C) The trial in Australia is likely to use the household's funds (or more likely, the OP's funds) so once again he gets away with not being equal partner in the relationship.
I definitely would be having a serious discussion with him about the immediate and five year plan. If he is still of a mind to go to Australia in five years, with or without his family, I would be saying I was filing for divorce.
Good luck SillySausage ~ though clearly you are very astute and not at all silly.

but now he is coming out the other end, where he will be in a position to support himself at least, and me should I be so fortunate

@SillySausage01

This is called Future Faking. It's basically saying 'I'll treat you well when .... is sorted out.' Unfortunately the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and future faking is a sign of a very manipulative person.

This situation ain't gonna get much better for you. Sorry :( and big hugs xxx

His argument is that you've done things your way for 6 years? So now you owe him. He's saying this after you supported him through education and then an unpaid internship for 2+ years?

He has some audacity

I think you are far. Far. Far. Too kind and reasonable and capable for him.

Also, he's decided here that he wants to move thousands of miles away and you have to split if you dont go AND you have a child together, he realises he couldn't take custody. So essentially he's saying he would abandon his child in order to live in Australia. Think about that. Would that ever cross a good parents mind?

If you went it would mean removing yourself from the network of support you have around you and initially having just this person who is so ready to abandon his family for a location and lifestyle. I really would not be considering it.

He can VERY easily refuse permission for op to leave the country with the dc. See the post a few above yours for the godawful experience of a mum trapped in Aus

The big difference is he would abandon his child to follow a dream. Abandon. No good person does this.

Sorry late to this thread & probably been said.

You question his functioning. In my experience, Some people are very good about making life about them. They are never really happy and it’s never their fault. They have people running around questioning themselves and trying to solve problems /make things better - that are not theirs to solve. This ramps up tenfold if their power base is threatened, say someone is happy and settled or making the best of things.

You sound like the complete opposite naively nice, competent, practical, dig deep & carry on.

Your DH’s power base has been threatened. You have had a baby. Suddenly he has to share your focus with someone more needy than he is. You have settled (on his request) and formed a great strength; family, maternal bond & job. This is normal and positive, but not to someone whose brain doesn’t work that way. Cutting you off from your nourishing power base would ultimately wrestle control back to him in the most ultimate of ways if you move so far, with so much seeming complexity (legal, emotional etc).

If you DH is like this & it’s hard to analyse over text (but there are HUGE red flags for me), he will never be happy & he will only bring you down in his efforts.

One phrase was telling & I paraphrase, that he’s spent 6 months being near your family for you. You then went onto contradict this, by saying he instigated this (I suggest for his own ends), but he manipulated this into being for you.

People saying this could be positive, you can compromise etc, be wary of this. This only works for someone who can compromise and put your interests into the mix. He may be unable to. Be very wary and good luck.

please is he mad. does he know that hundreds of fruitbats dropped dead from a tree last summer because of how hot it was? They just died.

Oh for goodness sake!! There are a lot of compelling arguments why the OP should not go to Australia, but that one is just ridiculous.

Great Post @Troublewithtribbles

My brother says something along these lines very seriously too but I 100% know that he won’t go without his fam when the time comes. Even if his wife doesn’t know that!
She entertains it and gets little compromises/buys them time here and there which ultimately mean he will be ‘stuck’ here and bitter. But it’s a stressful way for her to have to live. They’re à neurodiverse couple so each to their own I suppose !
i think your husband might be much more attached to your son by then too…
that said, we would move to NZ in a heartbeat if we could!

If he's as manipulative as he's coming across on this thread, joint relationship counselling would be an absolute disaster because he'd use it to manipulate the therapist and use the sessions for bullying OP into doing his wishes.

OP needs solo counselling to sort her own head out. She's emotionally numb, shut down as a survival mechanism for living in this relationship with him.

His head is already sorted out, he's made his decision to move to Australia in 5yrs and to move around the UK living in a different place each year until then. He's made this decision unilaterally and is totally unwilling to consider OPs perspective or needs or desires, or those of his child.

There are no words, whether uttered by OP or a counsellor, which can change the mindset of a person like this. It would take a scientist to identify a "selfishness gene" and carry out genetic modification on his DNA to remove it.

The best thing OP could do is to get therapy from someone who doesn't believe in keeping the family together at all costs, someone who'll focus purely on what's best for OP, so she can gradually realise just how awful her situation is, start to feel again, find her anger at the way she's been treated and leave him.