HUSBAND SAYS HE'S MOVING TO AUSTRALIA - HELP

[SillySausage01]

My husband says he is going to move to Australia in 5 years time and he is going whether me or our son (1 year old) goes with him.

We've been together for 10+ years. He does not care for his family or mine. He does love our little unit (even if that sounds ridiculous, but it's true).

His main reason for wanting to live there is the lifestyle.

He is serious that he will go without us, because "it is something he has to do."

Please help me digest this not so new info as he's been saying it for about a year...

I love where I live and am close to both our families. I have not shut him down about moving to Oz but he knows I'd prefer not to. I think my reluctance is made greater by him saying he's going anyway...

By which time all the 'children' are settled with friend/relationships & don't want to leave...

No, he doesn’t love you “so much”. Honestly, I’d tell him to leave now.

Such an apt username!

the point is she CANNOT move back if she hates it if she doesn't want to leave her son there.

try using some comprehension skills, you might enjoy understanding life.

What a selfish man. Does he ever ask what you want about anything in life?

He can't seriously believe that because you've lived in your home town for 6 years you now owe him moving to Australia where you don't know anyone and don't have any ties or support??

He is being manipulative. It's really simple - if he loves you and your child, he won't move to the other side of the world. He says his 'one life' needs to be in Australia (how he can know that about somewhere he's been once on holiday is strange) - tell him that you 'one life' is here, at home.

His idea isn't tested, you don't know how realistic it will be to do it, how expensive, you don't want to go so are less likely to be happy there, you won't have family support (that might not bother him if he isn't bothered about family, but it bothers you).

If he is happy to go without you, then you are truly better off without him.

And you've said a few things that make me think you're questionning whether you should be with him at all. Imagine being with him on the other side of the world, wondering if you've done the wrong thing. Then, if you want to split, you'll feel you have to stay there as otherwise you're taking your child away from their father. He'd no doubt guilt-trip you (and your DC may also say they want to stay if they have made friends etc) - so you could end up separated and stuck there for good.

He's shown he's happy to manipulate - so he may well block you bringing DC back even if you want to (not sure if he can, but he's shown you he thinks of nr 1 only and will do what it takes to get what he wants).

I think going over there is a) not what you want, b) very risky for you and c) you'd be following a man who says that where he lives is more important to him than being with you.

Please don't do it.

Let him go. Has he asked you what your vision is for your life? What are your dreams? Does he care? It’s all about him.

You both sound relatively young and have decades to plan a move together, if it was to somewhere you both wanted. Insisting on such a move away from your support right now, being prepared to potentially disrupt the family for it, when you have a young child and against your wishes is a real red flag. Is he even capable of sustaining a decent career to support you all? Or is the move an excuse if it all goes belly up?

Tell him that if he is planning to leave you and your son he should go now, and that he had better start financially supporting himself without your help.

He seems quite impulsive and financially irresponsible.
Does he actually know anyone is Australia?
That's where I am now and I came out for my stbx and I've never been so lonely and isolated in my life. The lockdowns and borders being closed for so long.

What type of sporting job does he intend to get?

Well he won't go now, if he needs your funding....
Id tell him you understand his dream, you might have tried it, had it not been fir the fact that you could end up miserable for life, due to your child being a hostage (in spite of any assurance to the contrary !🙄)
He hasn't yet discovered if you can all get the paperwork.
He can say you are selfish.. the reply is, "Not happening"
He can go, but you are not.

*You are behaving honestly in the marriage and acting like a team player - compromising, supporting, trying to solve problems for the family

He is not. He is not playing for your team. He doesn't give a shit. He is suiting himself and doing whatever he wants, with no thought to you or even his child!*

A million times this. He's going to do what he wants anyway. I bet in 5 years time he'll be off to Aus whether you want to go or not.I suspect when he starts to earn money he will go wherever he wants anyway as he's not relying on you. Don't get sucked in to thinking he's behaving badly because he's depressed and you are saving him. None of this will matter as he is fundamentally a very self absorbed person - for whatever reason. He may not be bad person but if he is unable to compromise your life will be hellish.

*You are behaving honestly in the marriage and acting like a team player - compromising, supporting, trying to solve problems for the family

He is not. He is not playing for your team. He doesn't give a shit. He is suiting himself and doing whatever he wants, with no thought to you or even his child*

I absolutely agree with this too....

I know you've said he won't hold the dc hostage when you get there, but remember, he needs your financial support, he might not want the dc, but he will need you, and the best way to keep you with him is to keep the dc with him. I thought my ex would never behave in a way that would be detrimental to the dc, but divorce does funny things to people. It's time to protect you and your dc. Tell your dh he can go if he wants, but you and the dc are staying

It's important to say OP that moving abroad is testing for even very strong relationships you may get friends and some kind of network quite quickly- lots of people don't. We moved to Denmark 18 months ago for lots of reasons, Hated Brexit, UK a bit of a shit show etc- those things still stand and lifestyle here is better but the downsides are it's expensive, (we knew that) flights back have also doubled, so the idea of popping back evety6 weeks to see my friends went out the window , along with covid of course, as he had to pop back every 6 weeks for work related things and the nice expat network I thought we could join in with is either very young single people or young families working for international companies who don't go out due to childcare we are in neither situation so we are going back in 3 weeks- £15,000 lighter - and a ton of stress moving a big home back. It doesn't matter how wonderful somewhere is on paper, or if the weathers better , sometimes it just doesn't really work quite as you expect, and we had been here 6 times before too . I find it far too co dependent personally maybe for others who move somewhere with more people on their level it's different . It's a risk and an expensive risk, you will need at least£20k too for removals, rental deposits etc--

I know you've said he won't hold the dc hostage when you get there

Do NOT trust him on this btw. A man who has no qualms about using ultimatums and bullying a vulnerable pregnant woman to control her is a man who will do ANYTHING to get his way. So many men decide they want custody just because they want the power and control, when they've had no interest before.

He'll hire a nanny and find a new, younger, gf very quickly and she'll be only to keen to play happy families and you'll be screwed.

Even if you separated in Australia and only saw your son every other weekend he would still be able to go to court to stop you taking your son back to the UK.

He needs to look at the amount he will have to pay in child support when you don't go with him.

The Australian system is very different, there are legal minimums on what he will have to pay.

Australia has a sort of sliding scale of childcare / child maintenance, you can sort of 'offset' payments by having your child more times. The assessment is made on both parents income, works out what a child in that situation costs and then that is the amount both parents pay. But, how much time each parent spends caring for the child is taken off their payment.

So if he actually gets into Australia you will be considered to be 100% caring for your child and he will need to pay for that.

And your actual income then doesn't count, he is 100% responsible for the finances to support his child.

Unlike the UK his responsibility does not end at 18, if your child goes to uni then he will still have to pay.

Even if you separated in Australia and only saw your son every other weekend he would still be able to go to court to stop you taking your son back to the UK.

But would he? He would be here as a Kiwi, not an Australian, so not sure an Aus court would take that on?

His plan is basically that you fund him while he trains and then he leaves you once he gets a job.

I’m wondering if the Aus court system tell him he needs to hop across the ditch to sort it out? Then he’s in the position of having to sort it out in NZ and doesn’t have the benefit of saying the child now knows NZ as their home, so I’m not sure a NZ court would be sympathetic?

@SillySausage01 up thread I said I thought you should try moving - but I was wrong. After reading your updates it seems to me that this is less about a move to Australia & more about a bad marriage. Australia is only a symptom, not the cause.
You two do not seem remotely compatible with regard to a long term life vision - that's issue number one.
Issue number two is that your H is so miserable (for whatever reason) that he is going to push change (be it Australia or somewhere else) constantly. Your updates would lead me to believe that after a few years in Australia he'd want to move on to something else.
Issue number three is that yes, he is displaying all the signs of NPD and you are being treated as a second class citizen in your marriage.
Given everything you've said I personally would be inclined to let him go - alone. He'll either love it & you'll never see him again, or he'll be back with his tail between his legs. Either way you'll have time away from him to start living your own life with breathing space from him. People with NPD are mentally suffocating & it's often only when you get away from them that you can start seeing the wood for the trees.

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet: OP ensure your child has a passport and keep it somewhere your husband can't get at it.

I’m not going to go into what a manipulative bullying dick your husband is - many have got there before me. I’m going to go into a bit about moving to Australia.

I am married to an Aussie from Sydney. He would not move back for a myriad of reasons. These include:

• it’s hot in the summer. Very hot. My husband has a poor heat tolerance and if you’re like him - you won’t be happy
• it’s expensive. Very expensive.
• real estate - forget buying a house for under a million dollars in any of the suburbs of a major city. Only one of my siblings in law is on the property ladder and he had a massive leg up (and bought years ago before the massive inflation)
• visa - it’s difficult to get one and very expensive. I lived there for a while and the pathway is just insane to manage and pay for. Definitely get a solicitor/migration company who deals with this if you go.
• to get reasonably priced real estate in a city you’ll be far away from beaches. So there goes a lot of his “lifestyle” arguments. Unless he intends to leave you holding the bag - as he has for years it sounds like - to go off on his jollies every weekend.
• flora and fauna are different. You’ll need to invest time in learning about the different snakes and spiders at a minimum. Was the first thing my brother in law taught me when I arrived off the plane.
• it’s far away from everywhere. My siblings in law (with decent jobs) need to save up to go anywhere major. It’s costly to get to Europe or North America. No flying off to Spain for a long weekend. New Zealand is closest. You’d be looking at Gold Coast/Bali/etc for your beach holidays if you wanted to travel somewhere cheaply (relatively anyway).
• You need a car - distances are greater. I’m originally Canadian and used to that but the realities of this could be a shock to you.

No one can tell you what is right for you. Especially because Australia has so many good points. Amazing people, scenery, food, weather (for me - I love the heat), good beer, education system is excellent, never heard anything bad about the healthcare, etc.. I love Australia but for a holiday. If I added in the day to day grind I wouldn’t love it as much I imagine.

Take him out of the equation. Do you want to move to Australia? Would you want to live there forever? Don’t delude yourself into thinking he’d change his mind or return for you. He might but it’s unlikely - or if he doesn’t want to leave it’ll be to chase some other pie in the sky dream. This is a forever move. Your child will be Australian - will probably want to stay there as it’s their home. Think about what you want. Stuff him.

Leaving aside your husband…

I moved out to Australia when I was 31 - 59 now.

property prices are mental, particularly in Sydney, Melbourne and Canberra.

we live in Sydney- yes it can get hot in summer - other 3 seasons are nice

Great place to bring up a family (if you can afford a house)

quality of food is massively better here

snakes and spiders- meh - once you get used to huntsman (big but harmless) - it’s fine - you are hugely more at risk from the usual dangers of traffic, falls etc

as Paul Keating said, we are on the arse end of world- going anywhere that isn’t Australia is a performance

@SillySausage01 I just can’t get over (all of his conduct, really) him moving away when you were heavily pregnant, demanding you move to him at four months PP and then kicking you out one evening not much later, with your baby son, because you were ‘miserable’ for him to be around.

He’s utterly appalling.

He’s not invested in your or your son’s life, and I’d in fact go so far as to say he doesn’t actually give a shit about either of you.

So he's going to leave in 5 years but let you continue to support him financially until then.

It's rare I would comment & don't wish to go against others good relationship advice.
However...if he has a NZ passport, I don't think that'll help with NZ tho !
They are very different. I could be wrong.
I'm replying because.....looking solely at countries.....why on earth would anyone choose to stay in the UK, with options like that ??
The quality of life & weather make this country look 3 rd world.

If you're sure about each other.
The only good thing about Britain is the benefit system. And it's cheap.

The world is getting bad ...might as well live in a nice environment.
I'm envious , stuck in this crock of a country..
I think it's a no brainer myself.
.