Page 14 | Husband leaving as I can't have children

Notmyfault1 · 2022-04-25T15:20:31+00:00

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new. We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant. My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together. I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty. I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain. Has anyone else been through this? I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain. Thankyou

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 13:14

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 13:12

That is not a personal attack

i believe the thread underwent a seismic shift when posters began to empathise with the husband

It was unnecessary and unkind to tell someone having difficulties with their mental health and a marriage breakdown that they've wasted peoples time, no?

An apology wouldn't go amiss when you've overreacted to a vulnerable poster. Nobody ever seems to say sorry on here 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 28/04/2022 13:19

I feel strongly that if this post was the other way around and OP wanted their life with a biological child and DH couldn't that OP would be encouraged to walk away and 'you only have one life'. I was in this situation and walked away and found love elsewhere and now have children. MN is very good at double standards

JanisMoplin · 28/04/2022 13:23

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 28/04/2022 13:19

I feel strongly that if this post was the other way around and OP wanted their life with a biological child and DH couldn't that OP would be encouraged to walk away and 'you only have one life'. I was in this situation and walked away and found love elsewhere and now have children. MN is very good at double standards

Not by everyone. Some of us don't think biological children are all that. Or that spouses who want to do only 20% of the work are such great catches.

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 13:29

I disagree. I felt intense sympathy as per first initial post. With both the OP AND the DH. As did many posters.
But then transpired that the OPwoild actually consider having children if it weren’t correct that husband has stated (foolishly wouldn’t you say, given he wants children) that he only wants 20% fun time with them.

so a mental health crisis, a husband leaving because the op can’t have children
became a thread about a shitty husband and the op not trusting him to pull his weight given what he’s told her

Onthedunes · 28/04/2022 14:00

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2022 03:29

I can't think of how to word this tactfully - I'll do my best, but please just know that I don't mean any of this unkindly.

OP, you mentioned upthread about how a PP wouldn't say such cruel things to you if you had a physical illness - and I think that's exactly the issue. If you had a physical illness, there's no chance of coming back from that - if it were medically dangerous for you to bear a child for physical reasons, it would be a no-brainer.

We don't know your circumstances but you're making quite dramatic and sweeping statements which seem a little excessive. For example, you might be at increased risk of PND but I can't see that you'll be "99.99% likely" to get it. And while medication might be vital to your wellbeing and not compatible with pregnancy, conversations with your doctor might mean there are alternatives to explore. Plus, there is always the chance of recovery with PTSD and mental health conditions in a way which wouldn't be possible with a physical illness. I'm not trying to persuade you to re-think, just observing how your descriptions sound like someone looking for reasons not to have children. No one should be forced to have children, but perhaps you need to re-examine your reasons rather than just pinning it on "medically unable" as that feels a little untrue.

I don't mean to be harsh. I've been diagnosed with severe PTSD myself and have a handful of other mental health difficulties. I don't know your situation but I know mental health problems are awful, all-consuming and overwhelming and I'm not making light of them. At all.

But again, said very gently, you seem quite entrenched in your identity as a patient and as someone who's unwell. You don't seem willing to ever consider the fact that you might recover sufficiently to have children.

I suspect that if you were physically ill, your DH might find it harder to walk away. I suspect that it's the whole package of what's going on, even though you've vehemently denied it at points on this thread.

The bit about him wanting to only parent 20% is a massive dripfeed. If that is factually true and not just about you projecting your anger, then maybe it's YOU who shouldn't want children with HIM....

Aside from all of the above, if this was a woman who had posted about her DH having mental health problems and him not being able to face being a parent, everyone would be supporting her to move on. Children are just one of those things that you can't compromise on. It builds resentment if one of you has strong feelings and the other doesn't. Even if he stays I can't see it lasting, not if he feels as strongly as you say - and deep down you won't forgive him for even considering it.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you find some peace.

Excellent post.

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 14:36

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 28/04/2022 13:19

I feel strongly that if this post was the other way around and OP wanted their life with a biological child and DH couldn't that OP would be encouraged to walk away and 'you only have one life'. I was in this situation and walked away and found love elsewhere and now have children. MN is very good at double standards

What happened to your ex?

How did you get over it?

As I've said,I don't blame him as such,I'm just angry at the hopelessness of the situation.

OP posts:

xfan · 28/04/2022 15:21

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 14:36

What happened to your ex?

How did you get over it?

As I've said,I don't blame him as such,I'm just angry at the hopelessness of the situation.

Show quote history

I assume she got over it by having a family ie children.

Most people"get" over partners when the new partner gives them what they want.

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 16:08

xfan · 28/04/2022 15:21

I assume she got over it by having a family ie children.

Most people"get" over partners when the new partner gives them what they want.

Show quote history

Thankyou for such a thoughtful and wise post!

I'm sure the poster I quoted realised I was talking about getting over leaving her husband,the guilt,the change of life etc. And maybe she settled for someone she could have a child with rather than the man she wanted to be with.

Many people never get over someone,even if they are with someone else

OP posts:

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 16:40

But are you “getting over” a man leaving you because he desperately wants children but your mental health doesn’t allow for it?
or
because you husband explicitly said he was only interested in being the fun parent and parenting for 20% of the time. If he hasn’t have said that, you say you’d be more open to the idea of children?

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 17:05

I'm asking a women who left someone because they couldnt have children how she got over it herself.

OP posts:

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 17:07

But you have said you would reconsider having children if it weren’t for your husband’s stance on childcare.
can’t you see that is very different from “can’t have children”

your situation is that you won’t consider it because your husband has said 20/80
whereas if he hasn’t have said that, you say you may think differently

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 17:10

This isn't a court @tomatoandherbs and you aren't cross examining a witness. It's Mumsnet and you're being oddly hostile to a complete stranger who has shared that they are feeling fragile.

AncrenneWisse · 28/04/2022 17:14

Don’t give up. There is a new study that suggests PTSD and severe depression can be greatly improved by the use of “magic” mushrooms. It isn’t licensed yet in the UK, but I believe the treatment is already being used in limited circumstances in the US. If you are still in your early thirties there may be help for you and still an opportunity to carry and care for your own child.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2022 17:35

To all those posters urging OP to 'reconsider' her decision not to have children based on 'new info' or 'advances' in MH medications or whatever, I think we need to remember that it IS OP's decision, she has made it after careful thought, and not 'encourage' her to think again.

I know if it was me who wanted a baby and decided for medical reasons not to have one it would be very painful for me to have people telling me that I needed to 'rethink', as if my decision was 'wrong' instead of being 'right for me in these circumstances'.

She's asking how to deal with her husband's decision to leave, not her decision regarding having a child.

I will now take off my Thread Police Cap.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 17:38

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2022 17:35

To all those posters urging OP to 'reconsider' her decision not to have children based on 'new info' or 'advances' in MH medications or whatever, I think we need to remember that it IS OP's decision, she has made it after careful thought, and not 'encourage' her to think again.

I know if it was me who wanted a baby and decided for medical reasons not to have one it would be very painful for me to have people telling me that I needed to 'rethink', as if my decision was 'wrong' instead of being 'right for me in these circumstances'.

She's asking how to deal with her husband's decision to leave, not her decision regarding having a child.

I will now take off my Thread Police Cap.

I agree really strongly with this, 100%

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2022 17:52

And @Notmyfault1 I did leave a marriage over not having children but it was under very different circumstances. My exH misled me before we married and told me 4 years into our marriage (when I was pushing TTC) that he'd never wanted children in the first place and there would BE no children. Also, it was an abusive relationship so I needed to leave anyway. The 'no children' was just the straw that broke my back.

But to be perfectly honest, I would have left even if it wasn't abusive because having children was always a 'prime goal' for me. But deliberate deception is very very different that discovering/realizing a medical reason after one has married. I don't know what I would have done in your DH's situation. My 'better angel' tells me I would have stayed. But my 'selfish angel' tells me I wouldn't, although adoption would have been perfectly fine since I'm adopted myself.

As far as the issue of 'primary parent care giver', there was a couple whose DD was in daycare with my DS1 (2nd marriage). The DH did not want children, the DW did. He agreed under the proviso that DW would be 100% responsible for all, and I do mean ALL, child-related care. She thought he'd 'come round' once the baby was born but he stuck to it 100%. He wouldn't take the child to daycare nor pick up nor take days off for illness. Would not lift a finger at home other than to play with her for a bit on occasion; no baths, no bedtimes, no fixing snacks etc. He wouldn't even get up off the couch to bring DW a nappy. He came and went to his activities on his own without regards to the child's needs or DW's desire for a break. The marriage didn't survive and no surprise there.

beenwhereyouare · 28/04/2022 17:59

"what a waste of posters times
you should have put that point in your op"

Was this not you, @tomatoandherbs ?

That certainly wasn't directed at the husband. 🤔

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 18:03

AncrenneWisse · 28/04/2022 17:14

Don’t give up. There is a new study that suggests PTSD and severe depression can be greatly improved by the use of “magic” mushrooms. It isn’t licensed yet in the UK, but I believe the treatment is already being used in limited circumstances in the US. If you are still in your early thirties there may be help for you and still an opportunity to carry and care for your own child.

Thankyou. I'm actually late 30s so time isnt really on my side.

I've had my name down for clinical trials in london for magic mushrooms,I think they choose men for data continuity like they do for most drug trails.

OP posts:

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 28/04/2022 22:52

Notmyfault1 · 28/04/2022 14:36

What happened to your ex?

How did you get over it?

As I've said,I don't blame him as such,I'm just angry at the hopelessness of the situation.

Show quote history

@Notmyfault1 He had 2 children already and didn't want to 'start again' rather than couldn't have children. I got over it by taking a year out for me, not working I was single at 31, going on 2 holidays, focussing on strengthening and enjoying my friendships and progressing my career; you meet new significant people when you least expect it . (this was pre social media) We got drunk together and played cards on the terrace outside for our joint possessions, we felt so out of our depth at our bizarre situation. We shopped together for all our CDs again so we had a set each and didn't argue over them. The day he left, we agreed no contact, it was too painful.

fishingforflies · 28/04/2022 23:47

this is such a difficult situation and I'm so sorry you have been hurt like this op.

Givemeagin · 24/06/2023 15:15

Just wondering what the outcome on this is a year down the line? I have a child from a previous relationship but can’t have anymore and my husband has walked out on me saying he wants his own child and he wants to find someone who can have his child

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/06/2023 16:49

Heartbreaking as two losses in one

but you can and most likely will rebuild and rally in time

however much self care you are practising , quadruple it

I won’t minimise the pain you are in right now

but he’s been honest and id take him at his word

staying will only prolong the pain

im so sorry this must really really hurt right now

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/06/2023 16:50

Sorry zombie thread
Givemeagin

wishing you the best x

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 24/06/2023 22:39

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:59

I wouldn't go down the surrogacy route with a man who is treating you like a commodity.

I agree. From what he's said he would end up running off with the surrogate.

MollyNameChange · 25/06/2023 09:11

This was a bit of a Zombie Thread and the it seems the circumstances are not quite as in the OP. I will still post my experience because it may help others who are following.
After 4 years of marriage/trying we discovered that I am unable to have children. Dearest husband supported me in all ways.
Five years later and Covid and separation for long periods, he in Middle East me in UK. He met someone new and we divorced.
It was inevitable he did try to put his feelings aside and stay married. Those urges for children overwhelmed him. He could not suppress them for ever.

Deep down, I do not 'blame' him for leaving. Sure at times I get angry but blame; No.