Husband leaving as I can't have children

[Notmyfault1]

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

Bloody hell, I hope he tells any prospective mother of his child about his plan to do 20% of the parenting.

Would it be worth exploring this together in therapy? If it’s really just about the hypothetical child it sounds like he needs to talk through whether he can live with being childless. That’s a very difficult thing to come to terms with (for you as well as him) and he may be saying things more brutally than he intends. How has he handled your illness generally? Has he been able to remain supportive?

It sounds as though he has supported the OP through sickness. This isn't a new illness. But the finality of realising it also means no children plus a lifetime being a carer for someone is different.

It sounds awful to say but marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a life sentence. It's supposed to be give and take. It's supposed to be mutually beneficial.

And, tbh, having been close to people with both mental illness and physical illness, living with someone else's mental ill health brings a strain, a pressure and a loneliness that comparable physical ill health simply doesn't.

It might sound unfair and blunt but it's also true.

Bloody hell, I hope he tells any prospective mother of his child about his plan to do 20% of the parenting.

Would it be worth exploring this together in therapy? If it’s really just about the hypothetical child it sounds like he needs to talk through whether he can live with being childless. That’s a very difficult thing to come to terms with (for you as well as him) and he may be saying things more brutally than he intends. How has he handled your illness generally? Has he been able to remain supportive?

The OP does say he isn't her carer. And that she has income to support herself, so I don't think he's had it quite as hard as posters have assumed, before the OP clarified. He's only being asked to be a carer for the child he claims to want. Seems he only wants it if it doesn't inconvenience him too much!
Marriage is meant to be mutually beneficial but it's not transactional. You don't give to receive.
Idk, normally I'd say a person should leave a relationship that doesn't meet their needs, but the husband is coming across as very cold and shallow to me with all this talk of wanting to 'support a pregnant wife', only wanting to do a small amount of actual parenting, not being flexible - his way or the highway!

I understand what you are saying but I wonder if the situation were reversed, how would you feel? If he was suffering a mental illness and refused to have children because of it?

You seem incredibly angry OP, maybe counselling could help?

I understand your perspectives and analysis op, all the best and positivity

I am trying to organise some on top of my usual things. I am angry,I guess it's part of a bereavement of my marriage and my life.

I’m so sorry that this is happening OP. It won’t just be about children. I suspect he has told you this because it is something irrevocable that you can’t push back on. The true reasons are likely to be much more complex, whether they are to do with your health or with any of the other many reasons why people leave relationships every day.

It's not always a bad thing to feel anger. Better than squashing your emotions down, at any rate.

You have every right to feel angry OP. Life has dealt you some awful blows so of course you are feeling intense pain and grief. I hope posters bear in mind that you a real person who is suffering, as you rightly pointed out.

I can't think of how to word this tactfully - I'll do my best, but please just know that I don't mean any of this unkindly.

OP, you mentioned upthread about how a PP wouldn't say such cruel things to you if you had a physical illness - and I think that's exactly the issue. If you had a physical illness, there's no chance of coming back from that - if it were medically dangerous for you to bear a child for physical reasons, it would be a no-brainer.

We don't know your circumstances but you're making quite dramatic and sweeping statements which seem a little excessive. For example, you might be at increased risk of PND but I can't see that you'll be "99.99% likely" to get it. And while medication might be vital to your wellbeing and not compatible with pregnancy, conversations with your doctor might mean there are alternatives to explore. Plus, there is always the chance of recovery with PTSD and mental health conditions in a way which wouldn't be possible with a physical illness. I'm not trying to persuade you to re-think, just observing how your descriptions sound like someone looking for reasons not to have children. No one should be forced to have children, but perhaps you need to re-examine your reasons rather than just pinning it on "medically unable" as that feels a little untrue.

I don't mean to be harsh. I've been diagnosed with severe PTSD myself and have a handful of other mental health difficulties. I don't know your situation but I know mental health problems are awful, all-consuming and overwhelming and I'm not making light of them. At all.

But again, said very gently, you seem quite entrenched in your identity as a patient and as someone who's unwell. You don't seem willing to ever consider the fact that you might recover sufficiently to have children.

I suspect that if you were physically ill, your DH might find it harder to walk away. I suspect that it's the whole package of what's going on, even though you've vehemently denied it at points on this thread.

The bit about him wanting to only parent 20% is a massive dripfeed. If that is factually true and not just about you projecting your anger, then maybe it's YOU who shouldn't want children with HIM....

Aside from all of the above, if this was a woman who had posted about her DH having mental health problems and him not being able to face being a parent, everyone would be supporting her to move on. Children are just one of those things that you can't compromise on. It builds resentment if one of you has strong feelings and the other doesn't. Even if he stays I can't see it lasting, not if he feels as strongly as you say - and deep down you won't forgive him for even considering it.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you find some peace.

Marriage is supposed to be for life, not for a few years until it gets hard.

Oh, please! Given the divorce rate, very few people still believe this (thank God). I would say most people would only agree to getting married nowadays because divorce is an option.

Sending hugs OP.

Marriage is supposed to be for life, not for a few years until it gets hard.

said the apologetic abusive husband straight after he had punched his wife in the face

I think the DH is getting a hard time here because of the OPs drip feed. I doubt he wants to do 20% of the parenting.

What he probably wants, as is the same for all of us, is a parenting partnership. Just because he wants to be a parent doesn't make him lazy for not wanting to be solely responsible for said child. It's not unreasonable to want to do that together - hell, I really wanted to be a parent but fuck, some days are hard and when you've been working all day and you're tired and hungry you just want someone else to say "hey I'll do bath and bed tonight...you go sit down" That doesn't make you lazy.

It sounds like he wants to be a parent in a conventional relationship where it's not all down to one person. Where someone else can be supportive, and take care of the child too. A parenting team. To say there is something wrong with wanting that is bullshit because at the end of the day it's what most of us strive for.

I feel as much sympathy for the husband as I do for the OP

He doesnt want 50/50 parenting, he wants more like 80/20, with him doing the fun side. This is why people are saying he is lazy. He wants his own child but with minimal responsibility

He has said this?

That is odd.

The bit about him wanting to only parent 20% is a massive dripfeed. If that is factually true and not just about you projecting your anger, then maybe it's YOU who shouldn't want children with HIM....

She didn’t drip feed. The fact her DH had said he wasn’t ready to take over looking after the baby if she had PND was there right at the start of the thread.
she was very clear that this is why she couldn’t have a child - because she doesn’t feel that she can do that with her condition + PND.

fwiw I’ve had PND that was untreated (long story involving not very helpful GP and HV). I was a shit parent and it certainly was detrimental to my dc (because I was doing it all on my own too)

the husband is coming across as very cold and shallow to me with all this talk of wanting to 'support a pregnant wife'

I would read that as wanting to take an active role in the pregnancy. Supporting his pregnant wife is the only way he can do that.

And, tbh, it's no more shallow than a woman wanting more children because she loves being pregnant or loves babies.

There's always going to be a bias on threads towards the OP because they are the person able to give the situation from their perspective but this man has as much right to want a child as another man has to not want one. And as much right to leave a relationship where children are not an option for the chance of having one with someone else as any woman is.

He might, as the women who post similarly are advised, not meet anyone else to have a child with - I certainly know a few men in their 50s who would have loved to have been fathers but ever were because they never found the right relationship, and they are tormented by it as they see their friends becoming grandparents and sharing their lives with adult children. And the same goes for any women who leaves a relationship to give themselves a chance at motherhood. But they are still encouraged to do so and told they will regret it and come to resent their current partner if they don't.

It's shit but this man shouldn't be berated for making tough choices about his own life. The OP clearly states that he loves her and is struggling with his emotions around it. As anyone would be.

On the basis of the drip feed and general language used by the Op to describe her husband, I suspect this is fundamentally not a happy marriage and no doubt would be on the way out irrespective of children issue.

I disagree. I think it's a HUGE drip feed. In her OP, she said "My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together. " And then her next few posts talked about his pain at not having DC and how his childhood was dysfunctional and how he wanted to do it better and "the right way". Nothing at all about only doing 20% of the parenting. That only appeared randomly later on in the thread when OP wasn't getting everyone agreeing with her. With little detail around this and seemingly contradicting what was said earlier, it seems rather strange.

I had untreated PND too. It was truly terrible. My heart goes out to any woman who's had to go through it. None of that changes what I said though.

@SpidersAreShitheads I think your post is great - I think the OP needed to hear these as well.

I strongly doubt it

Basically the Op didn’t get unreserved sympathy from all posters and unreserved bashing of the husband

so she threw in the 20/80 comment