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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 25/04/2022 21:38

There are women on here encouraged to end marriages over all kinds of things - from lack of sex to the husband not helping out much at home. But this guy wants to end his relationship so he can have children and he's all that's wrong.

This fucking site Confused

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 21:41

You said that your children are irreplaceable but of course so are adults as well. So OP’s husband could leave her but he couldn’t replace her, she is irreplaceable. You don’t stop being important and irreplaceable just because you’re an adult. That is what I’m saying. Also not sure why you’re being snobby about my abbreviation of the word ‘because’ 🥱

Musttryharder2021 · 25/04/2022 21:43

roseapothecary · 25/04/2022 17:46

I'm so sorry, such a horrible and painful situation.
I do think my DH would have made the same decision in that situation. I think the desire for children for some people will always supersede relationships.

I agree. My desire for a child was above and beyond any relationship I've had. Now that I'm a parent I can say with certainty I'm glad I didn't sacrifice being a parent for anyone. You don't get many chances at this.

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 21:43

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious He says he doesn't want to be primary care giver. Therefore the majority of the parenting will be done by the mother. It smacks to me of wanting everything on his terms.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 25/04/2022 21:44

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 21:38

@IVFPrayingForBioChild
Wow! That's a bit of a liberty. So you know that he's lazy? Where does the OP say or infer that?
He has as much right to think of his future without children as the OP has the right to make HER decisions.
He has no chance of showing his ability as a father if he stays with his wife. It won't be something he chooses on a whim.
You only get one life and it's best to have as few regrets as possible. I assume he loves his wife as they've been together for 10 years but the news that he'll never have a child to enjoy dad stuff with must have come as a huge blow, as it did to his wife.
It's unreasonable IMV, to berate a man for wanting to fulfill his dream of a family.

To be fair, OP says he wants kids so badly he is willing to leave her but he doesn’t want to be the primary carer. It can’t be that much of a “dream” for him to be a dad if he isn’t willing to put a shift in. What would happen if this hypothetical new wife died in childbirth? Would he have the kid adopted? Foist it off on family? He doesn’t seem particularly committed to being a parent.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 21:49

You said that your children are irreplaceable but of course so are adults as well. So OP’s husband could leave her but he couldn’t replace her, she is irreplaceable. You don’t stop being important and irreplaceable just because you’re an adult. That is what I’m saying. Also not sure why you’re being snobby about my abbreviation of the word ‘because’ 🥱

longtompot · 25/04/2022 21:53

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 20:05

So many really good comments. Thankyou.

I'm torn as others seem to be too,that he is awful for even thinking of leaving me for a hypothetical child, and he is being honest and has every right to leave me to have the possibility of children.

I feel really broken as I wanted a child with him,I wanted a family together but now that wont happen.

My condition is a severe mental health one which fluctuates but pregnancy would make it worse,and i would be 99% likely to have severe PND and could harm a baby. my husband would need to be the primary carer for any child as I couldnt be relied on. He doesnt want this. The child would suffer having me as a mother,as much as that hard to admit.

I wouldnt be able/allowed to adopt or foster a child due to my mental health.

I feel such a failer as a wife. I logically know it's not my fault but I also feel I've let him down,I cant work and now I cant give him children.

Here @Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious I took op saying he would have to be primary carer for the child but her husband doesn't want that to mean he wants a wife who can have the baby and look after it. It sounds a really sad situation for the op if this is the case as there really is no solution other than separate and him to find a wife who can give him that.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 22:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 21:49

You said that your children are irreplaceable but of course so are adults as well. So OP’s husband could leave her but he couldn’t replace her, she is irreplaceable. You don’t stop being important and irreplaceable just because you’re an adult. That is what I’m saying. Also not sure why you’re being snobby about my abbreviation of the word ‘because’ 🥱

I don't think it's about becoming an adult that dictates how replaceable you are to a person, it's about your relationship to them. So as much as we love our partners, we are capable of moving on and loving others, in a way we aren't when it comes to our children.

I'm not usually one to argue that children mean more than adults but I think it's clear this is what people mean.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 22:09

Well my kids are irreplaceable to me even as adults, I wouldn't expect any partners they have to feel the same about them though

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 22:58

I do get what you’re saying but this idea that a man/woman can leave their partner if they can’t/won’t have kids and just find another partner (that they love and connect with to the degree of settling down and having a baby) just like that is ridiculous and really presumptive.

maybe lots of women just settle with a half decent man just to have a baby? I do actually know people who have done that

JeffThePilot · 26/04/2022 00:44

runnerblade95 · 25/04/2022 20:35

I have just read OP’s post again and to be honest, I still feel that the husband is placing his own wants and needs above hers.

How else is one to view a situation whereby a man is choosing to leave his wife because she cannot have children due to a severe mental health condition which he knew she had when he married her?

That’s selfish and thoughtless.

So no, I do not sympathise with him. I sympathise with OP.

OP, I don’t want to sound misinformed or as though I am downplaying your mental health condition because I certainly am not and if anything, I can relate as I, too, have quite a bad mental health condition that affected me both during and after pregnancy, but is medication completely out of the question for you?

Show quote history

I think you need to read it again, as it’s very clear that OP’s mental health difficulties are not long standing and were not present when she married. Very sadly, her illness has changed the shape of the future they would have planned, and so while I sympathise with OP the most, I have sympathy for them both.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2022 00:54

GreyCarpet · 25/04/2022 17:21

Women are told all the time to leave a man who won't have children if she wants the chance at them. Other than the difference between won't and can't, why is this any different?

It's a terrible situation for them both and one which requires compassion.

Show quote history

It’s really not the same. I’d never have married my husband if he weren’t committed to having children. I’d have divorced him if he changed his mind and didn’t want them. I would however have stayed with him if he had a medical condition/event after marrying me that meant he now couldn’t have children. Those first two scenarios are completely different to the last one.

Sunnytwobridges · 26/04/2022 01:00

Oh this made me so sad for you OP. I can't imagine leaving someone I truly love for biological children. But having children wasn't really that important to me. I would've been fine either using a surrogate, adopting or being childless, but to leave a partner that I truly love and who loved me I wouldn't have been an option.

He definitely seems like he has an idealized idea of marriage and parenthood. I do understand that as I came from a dysfunctional family myself.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2022 01:01

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 21:03

and a woman in his position would be treated very differently on here.

Some of us have said otherwise. I'd still think she was shallow and a dick. Especially if it had been expressed in the way this dh has spoken

ive just read where she says if they did have a baby he would have to be primary carer and he doesn’t want that. It’s not that having a child is impossible, it’s just that he wants to have a child and doesn’t want to be the one who looks after it! Can you imagine a woman posting I’m desperate for a baby, my husband says no, should I leave him? By the way I’m not interested in being the main carer for this desperately wanted baby, the wife would have to do that. That’s wimmins work, but my life won’t be complete without a baby of my own she can handtoe to be able to cuddle on the weekend after my lie in before the footy match. It honestly sounds like the ops health is highlighting her Dh is much more selfish than she realised. I suspect this happens a lot.

tcjotm · 26/04/2022 02:18

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:33

The difference for me is can't vs won't. And it's key.

This. It’s not like she doesn’t want to have kids. She is also facing the grief of not having the family she thought she’d had, and she’s losing her husband over it.

Totally fine leaving someone who won’t have kids. Pretty heartless leaving someone who wanted them but now can’t. A bit ‘ah, sucks to be you, guess I’ll find someone else!’

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/04/2022 02:24

He wants a child with someone who can be as involved in bringing the child up as he will be from what Op has said

Sounds more like the fact that ops mh means she would be unlikely to be able to be involved in the day to day care of a child. Plenty of people wouldn't want that.

It's irrelevant though as Op has also said she couldn't come off the meds to have a baby anyway, it would be too detrimental to her health and also that they'd be unlikely to be able to adopt even if they wanted to

It might not be the case with Op but when people struggle with their mh to this extent their partner is often the one who has to care for them. It can be a lot of pressure on a couple even without adding children.

LegMeChicken · 26/04/2022 03:10

so sorry for you OP sounds like a shit situation.
However… in similar situations (MH issues, wanting kids) women have been not only told to leave but derided for staying.
I’m sorry, it’s not very nice but he’s not wrong for leaving.

Musttryharder2021 · 26/04/2022 03:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 22:58

I do get what you’re saying but this idea that a man/woman can leave their partner if they can’t/won’t have kids and just find another partner (that they love and connect with to the degree of settling down and having a baby) just like that is ridiculous and really presumptive.

maybe lots of women just settle with a half decent man just to have a baby? I do actually know people who have done that

@LuckySantangelo35

Of course men and women settle more often than not in order to have a family. Not everyone is prepared to wait for "romance and love" which is actually quite rare and even if it does happen, there is no guarantee that it will last. You have a finite window within which to have children.

Efortyjive · 26/04/2022 04:41

SmallPrawnEnergy · 25/04/2022 21:44

To be fair, OP says he wants kids so badly he is willing to leave her but he doesn’t want to be the primary carer. It can’t be that much of a “dream” for him to be a dad if he isn’t willing to put a shift in. What would happen if this hypothetical new wife died in childbirth? Would he have the kid adopted? Foist it off on family? He doesn’t seem particularly committed to being a parent.

Show quote history

I don't think he's bring unreasonable. I wouldn't have had our child with DH if from the outset he was very clear about not being able to parent equally. Yes there's a risk anything could happen and it would end up being the case, but that's different and would make it work, different imo from knowing from the outset and being able to make an informed decision. Its heartbreaking but fair play to him. If a woman was in the same position I'm sure many would be more supportive of her decision.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/04/2022 05:14

ive just read where she says if they did have a baby he would have to be primary carer and he doesn’t want that. It’s not that having a child is impossible, it’s just that he wants to have a child and doesn’t want to be the one who looks after it! Can you imagine a woman posting I’m desperate for a baby, my husband says no, should I leave him? By the way I’m not interested in being the main carer for this desperately wanted baby, the wife would have to do that. That’s wimmins work, but my life won’t be complete without a baby of my own she can handtoe to be able to cuddle on the weekend after my lie in before the footy match. It honestly sounds like the ops health is highlighting her Dh is much more selfish than she realised. I suspect this happens a lot.

@timeisnotaline you did read where OP said she doesn't work right? So please tell me how your post makes any sense. He's not selfish to not want to be the only one working and the sole caregiver to a child. He's sensible to realise that isn't possible. How many people on here would read a post from a woman who says my husband can't work, I have to work full time and he expects me to do all the childcare and agree that that's ok? It's going to be an incredibly small number if any.

Carpy88999 · 26/04/2022 06:39

If he buried these feelings and carried on with the marriage I'm pretty certain he would come to resent you as the years roll on. I know it's tough but he's done the best thing for both of you long term.

BadNomad · 26/04/2022 07:09

OP, I think you are being extremely brave and selfless in this. Even though you don't have children, you are still putting their wellbeing before your own wish to have them. That is amazing.

As much as I understand your husband wanting to leave to get children (and have the pregnant wife experience 🤔), he'll be a fool to not realise what he is giving up for that.

PurpleHouse12 · 26/04/2022 07:22

I find this really hard to answer because as much as I'd like to think I'd stick by my husband for better or worse... The thought of not being able to have your own children whilst desperately wanting them is so hard.

I've been there in a way, I believed I wasn't able to have children. I even lost a number of pregnancies. It was so dark the feeling of being so desperate for something but dealing with the fact you likely won't have it. Me and my husband nearly split many times, not actually because of the children thing but just because of the very low places it pulled me to. I think these feelings are very hard to brush off and move on from because you made vows so you have to.

Really hard. I can't call your husband a dick or selfish because I can understand that desperate desire for children and what it can do to you, but I can also feel very much so for OP. It would be awful to hear that from your partner.

I really don't know what the answer is but I honestly can't say I wouldn't do the same in his shoes. I just don't know.

I think many (not all before anyone jumps on me) people who come onto threads like this as if the answer is really easy and he's just automatically a selfish prick, made vows etc etc usually with comments like 'children aren't a right' tend to be those who have children already, probably easily too. It costs them nothing to say this because they've never experienced the possibility of not having them.

I absolutely fucking hate the term 'children aren't a right' actually. I've seen it loads of times on here. And again, typically from people who have children so it's easy for them to sit back and say all smug and high up on their horses. Obviously children aren't literally a right and many people don't have them, but it doesn't help anyone going through this it just makes you sound like an unsympathetic so and so in my mind.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 07:23

I feel very sorry for both the OP and her husband. Equally actually.

The OP is suffering from a horrific and debilitating mental health illness AND the breakdown of her relationship.

The husband is married to someone who has developed a horrific and debilitating mental health illness since their marriage ie not before and that life must be so difficult for him AND the fact that he can no longer have the children he wants

No one is at fault. No one is wrong. It’s just a shitty situation

JanisMoplin · 26/04/2022 08:22

I posted too much on this thread, but given your recent update about your bad mental health, I think the fertility issue may just be the last straw in a series of very unfortunate events ( borrowing from Lemony Snicket). I am not so inclined to condemn your husband now. The situation sounds very distressing for both of you, and I think marriage counselling is the way forward.

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