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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 17:14

I'm very sorry. But I agree with USa. The hypocrisy of this thread. It is perfectly ok for a woman to be absolutely desperate to have a child, but suddenly it's not ok for a man to want this?

D0lphine · 25/04/2022 17:16

No one has a guarantee of having a child.

If he finds someone else there is still no guarantee of having a child.

Marriage is supposed to be for life, not for a few years until it gets hard.

Knifer · 25/04/2022 17:18

Come on, previous posters. A man is allowed to be shocked and upset and lash out when the journey he thought he was on hers changed. He's just been told he will never be a father if he stays with the wife he loves. For all you know it could have been his absolute dream and all his hopes were pinned on it. What a fucker of a blow for both of them, but for him, he's been put in a horrible position because he desperately wants children and knows he could have them with someone else.

Hurtful and devastating all round. As much as it must hurt to hear that from him, OP, you'd far rather he told you how he was feeling than internalised it and just took off one day without warning to you. This is going to be a difficult thing for him to work through as well as you.

DancingUnderTheLights · 25/04/2022 17:19

That's so tough OP. I don't have advice just wanted to say I'm sorry to read about your situation. I hope things improve in the future.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/04/2022 17:19

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 17:14

I'm very sorry. But I agree with USa. The hypocrisy of this thread. It is perfectly ok for a woman to be absolutely desperate to have a child, but suddenly it's not ok for a man to want this?

How about just showing a little empathy for the OP at any given time? Do you feel better about yourself making the thread political?

Roundthetwistyroad · 25/04/2022 17:20

Oh no he is treating you like a brood mare that he now needs to dump because you haven't produced. Horrible. It's all about him and what he wants. He sounds hooked into a fantasy and there is no way l would be having a baby by surrogacy with him. That's not what he wants and you would always feel second best. I would let him go to try to find his perfect wife/mother and concentrate on building a wonderful life for yourself. It might always hurt that you can't have children but you are worth so much more than your ability to reproduce. Have a look at Gateway women for inspirational examples of women who have come to terms with childlessness and are now living their best life. A lot of them seem much happier than many of my friends who went down the conventional route of marriage and babies. Good luck. You will get through the pain.

IncompleteSenten · 25/04/2022 17:21

The other thread/s - were they can't have a child or doesn't want a child?

There's a difference imo and that will be reflected in the replies

GreyCarpet · 25/04/2022 17:21

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:42

He's a shit and you are absolutely allowed to be angry. He married you and promised to commit to you forever.
He sounds massively selfish - he wants to 'support a pregnant wife' but not his actual wife who really needs him!
It doesn't feel like this now but he's not good enough for you and you deserve better. I'm so sorry x

Women are told all the time to leave a man who won't have children if she wants the chance at them. Other than the difference between won't and can't, why is this any different?

It's a terrible situation for them both and one which requires compassion.

Marty13 · 25/04/2022 17:23

This must be heartbreaking OP, and your partner could have picked a better time to tell you.

But I do think a lot of the replies are massively unfair to him. He's always been honest that he wanted children and now that he has to choose between children and the relationship, well, he chose.

I always wanted biological children and would never choose a relationship above that. If I was in a similar situation, I'm sorry but I'd have done the same thing he did. Some PP said, what if his next partner can't have children, or he can't, or the child is disabled, etc. Well, that's a risk, but taking a risk is not at all the same as knowing for certain kids will never happen. And conversely what if he gave up on his desire to have children, and ended up leaving the relationship anyway for another reason, possibly too late for him to settle down and have kids ? Then he'd have lost everything.

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I hope you will feel better and heal, in time. But I don't think your partner is awful. You just ended up at a point where you can no longer wish for the same things in life, and so the relationship has run its course.

mynameisbrian · 25/04/2022 17:23

sorry but after reading the many threads on MN where woman are stuck in relationships with men who either already have kids and want no more or dont want any at all - the OP is told to leave as she has her heart set on having kids. whilst it is very distressing for the OP her DH wants kids and he now has to make a choice about his future.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/04/2022 17:23

Women are told all the time to leave a man who won't have children if she wants the chance at them. Other than the difference between won't and can't, why is this any different?

I agree. And I don't actually think OP husband has done anything wrong, he's been honest. He wants his own children, there's no guarantee that he'll get them but he knows with OP, it's a certainty he won't. He's been honest. It's not her fault she can't have kids, it's not his that he wants them.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 17:24

I'm surprised by the comments on this thread, I don't think he's a bad person at all for leaving because he wants to have children. This is often held up as standard on MN, so I'm surprised by how people are reacting to it here.

This is a blameless situation, and sad for all involved. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Bootothegoose · 25/04/2022 17:27

He is a bastard and you deserve better.

Let him go it will be the best thing you ever do.

You are just as disappointed with how life has turned out but you don’t bail when it doesn’t go your way - in sickness and in health. If he is the kind of man to walk away when you need him he’s not the man you want or deserve in your life.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 25/04/2022 17:28

Awful as it is to be the one 'left behind' I can't see that his decision is a bad one. He has done what many women, do when they get to a certain age. Made a decision that he wants kids. It wn't have been any easier for him to make that decision, to have that conversation than it is for anyone else.

@Notmyfault1 it REALLY isn't your fault and I hope you both find peace with this.

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 17:29

Get lost @SockFluffInTheBath.
I showed empathy. I said I was sorry. I only repeated exactly what many other posters have said, including, USa, WouldbeGood, and Knifer. So go bully one of those!

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 17:30

Get lost @SockFluffInTheBath.
I showed empathy. I said I was sorry. I only repeated exactly what many other posters have said, including, USa, WouldbeGood, and Knifer. So go bully one of those!

Pyewhacket · 25/04/2022 17:30

mynameisbrian · 25/04/2022 17:23

Totally. The hypocrisy on this site is laughable.

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 25/04/2022 17:30

Very sad for you BOTH
Just wanted to say that - in case he reconsiders and decides he does want to be with you (despite the no kids) that his honesty doesn’t make him a bad guy.
Sending you a virtual hug though, 💐

Badger1970 · 25/04/2022 17:31

It's a horrible situation for both of you. I can see both of your sides here.

I think some space is a sensible idea.

Had DH not wanted children/not been able to have them, I'm not honestly sure that I could have given my dreams up without some serious soul searching.

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/04/2022 17:32

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 17:29

Get lost @SockFluffInTheBath.
I showed empathy. I said I was sorry. I only repeated exactly what many other posters have said, including, USa, WouldbeGood, and Knifer. So go bully one of those!

I hope I don’t know you, or any of the others you’re throwing under the bus, in real life. The OP is having a really shit time and all you can say and the others you’ve listed can say is the DH has got a point? Nice.

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 25/04/2022 17:32

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:33

The difference for me is can't vs won't. And it's key.

YRGAM · 25/04/2022 17:34

It's a very sad situation, but he is entitled to make the decision he has made. The hypocrisy of posters when the sexes are reversed is true, but not really relevant here

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2022 17:34

having kids is not the be all and end all. kids grow up and move on but your husband/wife doesn’t. They’re in the Cente of your life for longer not the kids.

He might not be able to have them himself. He might not meet anyone else who wants to be with him. Yet he’s willing to throw his marriage away.

Yep, op you can do so much better.

SweetPetrichor · 25/04/2022 17:35

You're not in the wrong in any way for being unable to have children, but equally, I don't believe he's in the wrong to prioritise children. We see plenty threads encouraging women to ltb cause he doesn't want to have kids...so fair play to the man who does the same thing.

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