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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Overthewine · 26/04/2022 10:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Overthewine · 26/04/2022 10:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BoredZelda · 26/04/2022 10:37

If he finds someone else there is still no guarantee of having a child

But being with OP is a guarantee that it won’t

Marriage is supposed to be for life, not for a few years until it gets hard.

This isn’t it just being hard. This is a fundamental change to their lives together.

This is incredibly hard for both parties but honestly, if my husband had become infertile, I’m not sure I could have just made my peace with never having children.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 10:37

I wonder how many slating the husband have had experience of being married to someone with critically serious mental health issues. Let alone married to someone with critically serious mental health issues AND raising a family with them

TDCtomorrow · 26/04/2022 10:45

Hugs to you. My heart is breaking for your whole situation x

TDCtomorrow · 26/04/2022 10:45

Hugs to you. My heart is breaking for your whole situation x

TDCtomorrow · 26/04/2022 10:45

Hugs to you. My heart is breaking for your whole situation

whynotwhatknot · 26/04/2022 11:22

I have mh issues aswell and decided myself not to have children as i just wouldnt cope-i would let my dh go based on the fact he wanted children but it does sound a bit off that your dh doesnt even want to be primary carer as a compromise

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:25

whynotwhatknot · 26/04/2022 11:22

I have mh issues aswell and decided myself not to have children as i just wouldnt cope-i would let my dh go based on the fact he wanted children but it does sound a bit off that your dh doesnt even want to be primary carer as a compromise

But it’s not just primary care of the children

it is primary carer of the children PLUS a partner with an extremely serious life long mental health condition

LimeSegment · 26/04/2022 11:57

I agree that while it would be sad, anyone is entitled to leave a relationship.

However you can't compare this situation to the other very common version of this topic, when a man changes his mind about children or says he "isn't ready" (many years in the relationship and aged 35+). Firstly, there is a very high chance he eventually will want children or "become ready", and at that point he will ditch the women for a younger one and have kids with her. So a women who chooses to stay in this situation won't have a husband or kids. OP definitely won't be doing this.

The other thing that isn't the same at all is that a couple with male factor infertility could consider a sperm donor. And if a man couldn't be primary care giver of a baby, that would be absolutely no problem.

CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2022 12:00

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 07:23

I feel very sorry for both the OP and her husband. Equally actually.

The OP is suffering from a horrific and debilitating mental health illness AND the breakdown of her relationship.

The husband is married to someone who has developed a horrific and debilitating mental health illness since their marriage ie not before and that life must be so difficult for him AND the fact that he can no longer have the children he wants

No one is at fault. No one is wrong. It’s just a shitty situation

I agree with all of this. It sounds like such an awful and distressing situation for both parties. There is no easy compromise and a lot of hurt. If you can both move on from this with love and friendship, that would be a good result as nobody is at fault here.

Original poster
Notmyfault1 · 26/04/2022 12:18

Again,thankyou to all those who have taken the time to comment.

I just want to add that my husband is not my carer and I am financially independent thanks to my previous life. I have a income from compensation that easily covers the mortgage and the bills. So he doesnt have that pressure. If he wanted children then he would need to earn the income for the added costs.

My mental health is managed, but a child in the mix would be unfair on all of us.

I guess I'm angry that my husband has never been broody or really into children so I'm shocked at his extreme reaction. I'm the one who struggles to be around babies because of the pain.

It is interesting to see the split of opinion regarding leaving a marriage for a hypothetical child.

I dont want my husband to stay with me out of pity,but when we got married I really did take my vows seriously, sickness and health,richer poorer where in our vows.

I feel very lonely without him.

OP posts:
herbologist · 26/04/2022 14:07

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 10:37

I wonder how many slating the husband have had experience of being married to someone with critically serious mental health issues. Let alone married to someone with critically serious mental health issues AND raising a family with them

Absolutely this.

SVRT19674 · 26/04/2022 14:39

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug, an awful situation all round 💐
To those saying the guy is this that and the other, he is entitled to leave the relationship whenever he wants for the reason que may consider appropriate. I don´t think anyone here isn´t suffering. Things have not turned out as they envisaged, life has these nasty quirks.

IVFPrayingForBioChild · 26/04/2022 15:40

@LoisLane66

I said he is lazy because the op said he doesn't want to be the primary care giver to the child.
If he really loved the op, he would be prepared to be the primary care giver.
He just wants the title of dad and wants the wife to do the bulk of the work.
So not an assumption.
They have a solution.
He doesn't want it.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 26/04/2022 17:50

To be fair to him this must be extremely hard. I think that you should let him go OP, he hasnt done anything wrong really and it must break his heart too. Living with someone with a severe illness like yours must be soul destroying.

Spectre8 · 26/04/2022 17:58

Sorry OP but just because a person doesn't show they are broody doesn't mean they don't want kids. I'm not broody at all however I still know in myself that I would like one child when I find the right partner. Just because someone doesn't display outwardly some huge emotional desire to have a child doesn't take away the fact they still want one.

JoeGoldberg · 26/04/2022 19:13

I said he is lazy because the op said he doesn't want to be the primary care giver to the child.
If he really loved the op, he would be prepared to be the primary care giver.

Oh just stop with this 'if he really loved OP..' or calling him lazy for not wanting to be the primary care giver. Very VERY few people set out purposefully to be the primary care giver. Have you ever been a lone parent? It's rewarding but it's HARD. Why should he wish this on himself when he can find a partner who will parent with him 50/50?? There's nothing selfish or vile about wanting your own child.

Original poster
Notmyfault1 · 26/04/2022 19:28

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 26/04/2022 17:50

To be fair to him this must be extremely hard. I think that you should let him go OP, he hasnt done anything wrong really and it must break his heart too. Living with someone with a severe illness like yours must be soul destroying.

He is a free man and can do as he wishes,its not for me to let him go!

I do take offence by your assumption of living someone with PTSD is soul destroying. Please think about your wording,I doubt you would use those words if I was physically ill rather than mentally ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmyfault1 · 26/04/2022 19:41

JoeGoldberg · 26/04/2022 19:13

I said he is lazy because the op said he doesn't want to be the primary care giver to the child.
If he really loved the op, he would be prepared to be the primary care giver.

Oh just stop with this 'if he really loved OP..' or calling him lazy for not wanting to be the primary care giver. Very VERY few people set out purposefully to be the primary care giver. Have you ever been a lone parent? It's rewarding but it's HARD. Why should he wish this on himself when he can find a partner who will parent with him 50/50?? There's nothing selfish or vile about wanting your own child.

He doesnt want 50/50 parenting, he wants more like 80/20, with him doing the fun side. This is why people are saying he is lazy. He wants his own child but with minimal responsibility. He is being honest and not pretending he would do more. This is a big factor in why we cant have children,as my illness would mean I couldnt handle 80% of modern parenting.

I have no doubt he loves me, and he has every right to want a child, it's just painful that he is willing to leave me for a hypothetical child with another women all because I cant give him one the way he wants.

I took my wedding vows seriously,and have been with him during poorer. Now he isnt sticking by me in sickness. It's made me numb.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 26/04/2022 19:48

I took my wedding vows seriously,and have been with him during poorer. Now he isnt sticking by me in sickness. It's made me numb.

I completely understand that this is tough but I just don't think this is a fair comparison. There is a much more fundamental sacrifice required from him to stay here.

JoeGoldberg · 26/04/2022 20:20

@Notmyfault1 I do hear you, I do. And as someone who has children and has had to parent 100% and deal with MH I can attest to how hard it is. If what he's saying about the 80/20 split of parenting is true, then he will have a very rude awakening when/if he does have a child of his own.

I'm sorry you're hurting to much, but there are married women on this site who are told to end their marriage over far less than wanting their own children, and the nasty comments towards your DH and double standards on this thread are unwarranted.

ImAvingOops · 26/04/2022 20:53

Most women are primary carers when they have dc. There's a big difference between that and a solo parent - he just wants it all on his terms and not have the responsibility of handling what plenty of mothers do.
For this baby he says he wants so much Hmm
I think that his love is a very fair weather kind of love. In time OP you might conclude that he's no great loss. I hope you meet someone who is as thoughtful and lovely as you sound.

IVFPrayingForBioChild · 26/04/2022 21:38

@Notmyfault1

OP do you feel that he is using this as an excuse to exit the relationship?
He wants a wife who earns loads of money and isn't ill, basically how you were?
He seems awful, prepared to leave his wife because he wants to do minimal parenting.
You can do better than him.
As you can tell by my name I am desperate for a child so I do know how it feels.

ShaneTwane · 26/04/2022 22:00

ImAvingOops · 26/04/2022 20:53

Most women are primary carers when they have dc. There's a big difference between that and a solo parent - he just wants it all on his terms and not have the responsibility of handling what plenty of mothers do.
For this baby he says he wants so much Hmm
I think that his love is a very fair weather kind of love. In time OP you might conclude that he's no great loss. I hope you meet someone who is as thoughtful and lovely as you sound.

Well to be fair it sounds like he gave op a happy ten years together hence why she is devastated he has called it a day. That doesn't make him a bad person wanting to end a relationship that no longer has the end goal he dreamed of.

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