Husband leaving as I can't have children

[Notmyfault1]

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

But the chances of that being admitted are 0/200

0/100!

I am so sorry to read about your situation. It sounds incredibly painful and hard to get your head around. Have you ever had DBT as part of your treatment for PTSD? A relative found it really helpful as part of her recovery.

Have to agree @SpidersAreShitheads it does feel like there was some backpedaling there by OP, and I can't imagine any kind of conversation where someone is so exact about their level of hypothetical parenting commitment. It certainly didn't read like that in her initial post.

^This.
He seems to have an idealised view of family life. I can’t see him coping with a child with any type of disability, or even staying around if one of you became seriously ill.

Font you think that it's all been too overwhelming for him?
A wife who now has serious mental health issues. So serious that she cannot be relied upon to be the main carer of any child they may have and has been advised that her mental health would be severely exacerbated if she were to get pregnant and the child's life may be in danger.
Regardless of the OP having no money worries and not knowing whether the compensation was due to her mental health issues or something else, just because she supported him when he was poor, it doesn't mean that his enjoyment of life has to be limited by guilt.
If he had an unhappy childhood he is entitled to want a loving family.
Whether he gets his wish is a moot point but seriously, if the OP had no issues when they got together but now, not only does she have serious MH issues but she can't work and can't have (or has been advised against having) children, who could blame the husband for wanting a more 'normal' stress free life with a wide without those problems.
He's not a baddie for wanting what most of us take for granted.
Yes, it's a blow for both of them but he has a chance to shape his life in the way he wants. Who would deny him that? She suffers so he must too...eh?

*Don't

Let him leave. He doesn't want to stay and wants his kids to have fun with. There's nothing you can do to stop him or change his mind, he's allowed to want children.

Some harsh words by some people considering I put this in relationships not AIBU. But I do respect what they say.

He really does only want to do 20%, he has said this. He comes from a very traditional family and went to boarding school at 8 and had nannies to show you where he is coming from.

This is a huge factor for me,if he was saying he would take on 80% then maybe I would feel differently. He works away for 3 days a week,so it would fall all on me.

I do accept all the points people have mentioned,I need help in coming to terms with losing my husband.

I'm not forcing him to stay. I understand his point of view too. I'm just in pain as my life has imploded and I'm struggling as to how to cope.

I was hoping to get some advice from people who have been through this themselves,where their husband left or they left.

I have had moments where I've thought fuck it,have a child! I want one desperately too.

But then I remember all the evidence which shows how damaging
A mother with serve mental health problems is. I just cant do that to a child. There is clearly a difference with becoming ill after a child is born. But choosing to put this on a child is not fair and incredibly selfish. And I'm not having a child just to try and keep my husband,all wrong reasons to have one.

I've tried CBT,EMDR ,tired to get on psychedelic trials and all other methods to help with my ptsd. I'm fighting to get better but for some it's not curable, just managed to different levels.

He really does only want to do 20%, he has said this. He comes from a very traditional family and went to boarding school at 8 and had nannies to show you where he is coming from.

Have you always known this, and would you have had children with him on these terms if your health issues had not happened?

Ive always known he wanted to stay at home wife type,which I was more than capable and willing to be.

As I've said I dont really blame him,im just hurt and angry at the situation and that he really has chosen a hypothetical and,imo, a unachievable, women over me.

I think some focused councilling and time are all I can do. I just hoped someone had some magic solution to make it easier and less painful

There's no magic solution to make it better. Unfortunately this is life, it hurts and it's unfair.

The only way I could see this working for you is surrogacy and a live in nanny for most of the child's life and/or boarding school. That's a lot of money though and even then would still be difficult for you.

Its not possible and it's something you'll have to come to terms with eventually. You could still find someone else after your husband and be happy with them.

DBT is different to CBT. May be worth a look. I totally get what you're saying though that it is not necessarily something that can get better, my friend said the purpose of DBT was helping her live a life worth living.

I hope you're ok and can be gentle with yourself, it's an incredibly sad and difficult situation to be in. Hope you have some friends or family to support you in real life.

Are you able to run the household ie: shopping, laundry, household chores such as cleaning, cooking, drive, organise finances?
Do you have a life outside the home with friends, family, lunch, coffee, theatre, days out...or are you housebound?
Have you any hobbies or interests?
I hope having interests gives you something to focus on other than waiting for your DH to make up his mind.

Your ENTIRE thread has done a 180

from he’s leaving you because you can’t have to children

to him saying he only wants to parent 20% of the time and if you knew it was
more, you may consider having children

what a waste of posters times
you should have put that point in your op

I don't believe the thread has done a 180. OP knows that having children is too much for her. She said at the start a pregnancy would further compromise her health. It's a moot point whether she could physically go ahead because she knows she can't look after a baby and all she's done later on in the thread is clarify that her husband is unwilling to take on a primary role. She was very clear that her h sees himself as supporting a wife, not doing himself what he believes the wife should be doing. The OP has just given more detail - the fact remains that he is leaving her because she can't supply what he wants on his precise terms. That her condition is a mental health one makes no difference. Being mentally unwell and therefore not able to have/care for a child is no different to being physically unwell and therefore not able.
If she had cancer would posters be saying the h is right to leave and pursue his own life ambitions? Or would they be thinking that it's shitty to leave a spouse who can't help being ill?
There's no easy fix to this for the op. She's had it made absolutely clear that she isn't his priority in life - his prerogative but it's still awful because when you get married you are led to believe that for your spouse, you are the most important person in the world to them

OP is suffering with mental health issues and now dealing with the loss of a long standing relationship.

Do you think you might want to cut her some slack instead of posting as if she's come into people's homes and demanded their time unfairly?!

OP some posters are being very harsh, but I do really see it from your husband’s point of view as well as yours. @SpidersAreShitheads raises some very good points, please do take the time to think about what she’s said. There’s no easy solution to your situation and I wish both of you the very best as you try to navigate it.

There is also the fact that many psychiatric illnesses are hereditary. I chose to adopt rather than have birth children because there is a strong history of schizophrenia in my family and l was terrified of getting ill and possibly passing on such a serious illness to a child.
I think you are being incredibly brave and selfless to put a child's need before your own desire to have a child. I totally get where you're coming from and well done for being so self aware.
For what it's worth l have found it incredibly difficult negotiating my mental health and parenting. It's been scary at times and that's with a partner who does 80% of the slog/daily routines. I could not have coped without him doing this much so l think your anxieties about how much your partner would do are very valid. Good luck coming to terms with the difficult hand life has dealt you.

The OP has not done a 180 at all, she’s just added more detail over the course of the thread, often in response to questions, but consistent throughout.

Posters can’t win on here; put in every tiny detail upfront and they get “ugh, I can’t read all that / too much detail OP / I’ve only skim read that very long post”. Add to the information as they go and they’re accused of drip feeding. The OP had said earlier that her husband doesn’t want to be primary care giver, she just went on to quantify what that looked like.

This is a real person hurting, living with a profound MH disability and reeling from hearing she’s disposable to her husband. Do you want to carry on being a dick, or are you going to bear that in mind if you post again?

I agree. The personal attacks on the OP are unwarranted.

The only personal attacks have been against her husband as far as I can tell

You said OP has wasted people's time.

Except she didn't demand answers, she posted on a public discussion forum and people chose to reply to her. The conversation then evolved, as conversations tend to do.

Saying she wasted people's time was a dickish and unkind thing to say to someone suffering with their mental health and going through a marriage break up.

That is not a personal attack

i believe the thread underwent a seismic shift when posters began to empathise with the husband

from he’s leaving you because you can’t have to children

to him saying he only wants to parent 20% of the time and if you knew it was
more, you may consider having children

I would agree with this.

The OP said that the level.of medication she requires to keep her alive would be harmful to a foetus but that she would.consider having a baby if he were willing to take on a greater parenting role.

Which is it?

Are you unable to have children (becaiee the medication to reqiore to keep to alive and safe are incompatible with pregnancy) or choosing not to? Because it was initially presented as the former and now reads like the latter.

Not that it really makes much difference. The outcome is the same.