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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:

Anyfeckinusername · 25/04/2022 16:28

I’m so sorry to read that. It sounds incredibly tough. Is it that you could conceive but there is a risk, or that you can’t get pregnant? Does he not see the risk as you see it, or something? I mean, you’re entitled to not put yourself in a risk situation! How difficult for you. You’d like to think he is supportive of his wife with her medical issues as his priority X

Shgytfgtf111 · 25/04/2022 16:31

I agree, surely you're the priority?

Is adoption not an option due to your conditions?

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:42

He's a shit and you are absolutely allowed to be angry. He married you and promised to commit to you forever.
He sounds massively selfish - he wants to 'support a pregnant wife' but not his actual wife who really needs him!
It doesn't feel like this now but he's not good enough for you and you deserve better. I'm so sorry x

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 16:45

I'm so sorry.

Original poster

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:45

He doesnt want to adopt, he wants his own biological children

He wants them with me but he now realises it's not going to happen and is struggling with his emotions.

It hurts so much for both of us I think.

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 25/04/2022 16:49

@Notmyfault1 what a horrible situation. It sounds really difficult for both of you. 💐

Pinkyxx · 25/04/2022 16:50

I'm so sorry OP, his word must have cut to the bone. My ex said similar to me after I'd given birth to our child only and having been told I was now barren. I was not meant to get pregnant (doctor's orders) and went through a pregnancy against medical advice. While I would do it again in a heart beat for my beautiful child, I cannot deny that this didn't come at a significant cost to my health and that of my child ( who nearly died in child birth). My health was irreparably damaged to the extent my quality of life is negligible. His response to this awful heart breaking news was that he didn't think he could stay in relationship which limited him to having only one child. Of all the things he ever did, those words are up there in the top 5 most cruel. To this day, 10 year later, they still hurt. My only regret was not leaving the day he said that to me. It reflects a lack of care which you can't recover from. I was a means to an end, and if I could not ''produce'' then he was happy to exchange for a new model (which he did shortly thereafter, leaving me a single parent.

I'm so sorry you had to hear this from him. I know only too well how painful this is to hear.

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:51

Well there's no guarantee he'll have them with someone else either. I'd certainly not have a child with a man who'd left his wife under these circumstances.
As hard as it is for him to not have his biological child, it's harder for you since you are unwell in addition to dealing with the knowledge that you won't have children.

2020nymph · 25/04/2022 16:51

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:45

He doesnt want to adopt, he wants his own biological children

He wants them with me but he now realises it's not going to happen and is struggling with his emotions.

It hurts so much for both of us I think.

Would you both be up for surrogacy? My friend was unable to carry a child so they did this instead. I believe they used her eggs and his sperm.

Cheeseandlobster · 25/04/2022 16:53

Oh gosh. This sounds so very difficult op. You must be hurting terribly. I can see his side too. If this is something he has always wanted then he has to decide. Sadly he has chosen children. There have been plenty of threads on her where it is the man who can't and the woman has been advised to follow what she wants or she might end up resentful.

However have you explored other options. Surrogacy for example?

I think it might be an idea in the first instance for you both to talk to a relationship counsellor if you are both willing

SockFluffInTheBath · 25/04/2022 16:54

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:42

This with bells on. What a selfish individual he is. I’m sorry he’s not the man you thought you married OP, I’m sorry for your medical difficulties. You will come through this, and you will be happy again.

@Pinkyxx i don’t honestly know what to say to that

curlymom · 25/04/2022 16:55

I’m so sorry and none of this is your fault. I think some kind of counselling might be in order. Don’t feel bad. You haven’t done anything wrong. Hugs x

SealHouse · 25/04/2022 16:56

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:42

This, absolutely. He's not good enough for you op xx

gogohm · 25/04/2022 16:57

Is surrogacy a possibility? It's in these circumstances that altruistic surrogacy could really be suited. I would have done this for a friend when I was younger (I had easy pregnancies and births but didn't have more kids for practical reasons)

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:59

I wouldn't go down the surrogacy route with a man who is treating you like a commodity.

WalkerWalking · 25/04/2022 16:59

So he's willing to give up what he has in favour of a hypothetical (and highly idealised) situation? He sounds very much like a "fair weather husband" - how would he cope if this (hypothetical, ideal, highly fertile) new wife ended up with PND? Or a significant birth injury? Or they had a disabled child? I wouldn't be fighting to keep him tbh.

StopStartStop · 25/04/2022 17:01

I'm sorry.

He's turned out to be someone who hasn't taken his vows seriously. Let him go.

You've two huge blows to deal with, you need to devote all your energy (any you have after that!) to looking after yourself. He and his emotions can get to fuck.

Your future isn't going to be what you expected. That doesn't mean it won't have joys as well as sorrows. Be very kind to yourself, and waste no pity on the man who isn't giving you support when you need it.

WalkerWalking · 25/04/2022 17:02

Has he even had a sperm count done himself? What if he meets someone new, who's willing and able to carry his child, but then she leaves him because he can't have children??!

Sorry1982 · 25/04/2022 17:05

I was thinking of becoming a surrogate. I’d love to help a couple in a situation like this . I’m not being horrible but if it was the other way round I don’t think the replies would be so harsh. In fact I’m sure I read a women asking this on another thread and they weren’t calling her a shit .

Riverlee · 25/04/2022 17:07

I’m sorry for this situation - it can’t be easy For you or for him, but at least he’s been honest with you.

(You sometimes get posts on mn from mnetters who’s dp can’t decide whether they want children or not. Usually the advice is to move on, rather than stay, so they have the chance for a new relationship, with children. )

MzHz · 25/04/2022 17:09

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 16:59

I wouldn't go down the surrogacy route with a man who is treating you like a commodity.

I think this is a very wise point tbh, and absolutely yes @Notmyfault1 , he ISNT good enough for you, even if you can’t believe that yourself right now, it’s true.

@Notmyfault1 and @Pinkyxx there are no words to make what you’ve been through any less painful but know that we’re all very much thinking of you and hoping that one day hearing those words won’t hurt so much.

all my love to you ((((huge hugs))))

Cheeseandlobster · 25/04/2022 17:10

Sorry1982 · 25/04/2022 17:05

This. I alluded to this earlier. I have been here for years and seen plenty of threads but from the female perspective. The replies have been along the lines of the op following her own dreams of having children or she will end up too old to have them and resentful of her husband. I know theoretically men can have children much later but a woman posting this dilemma would not be treated so harshly by most.

Though I do feel desperately sorry for the op. Whether you are a man or a woman it must be a heartbreaking situation to be in.

USaYwHatNow · 25/04/2022 17:10

The situation you have found yourself in is really, really sad, however a lot of these responses are so critical of the male partner in this relationship. So many times women have posted threads where the male partner can't have children and they've been advised to leave and seek a new relationship.

He's allowed to change his mind. You say this information around being medically fit to carry a baby is new so he is simply reacting to the news as he hears it. He's entitled to an opinion and a wish for him to have biological children,though I admit I'm a bit confused re: the pregnant wife bit. Surrogacy could be an option if he's that desperate but unfortunately that's up to him to decide whether he thinks that's an option.

Deadringer · 25/04/2022 17:12

Why do people keep suggesting surrogacy, op has said she would struggle to raise a child because of medical issues. I am sorry op, I suppose he can't help how he feels, but it's really shit for you.

WouldBeGood · 25/04/2022 17:13

I agree @USaYwHatNow and I think it’s unhelpful for people to berate the man, it’s just an awful situation which does happen more often the other way round.

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