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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:
jytdtysrht · 25/04/2022 18:02

Women are advised to leave when the man doesn’t WANT kids. In this situation, the op CAN’T. It’s not the same at all.

i hope you find some peace without him op.

bellsbuss · 25/04/2022 18:03

@Pinkyxx they can't adopt or do surrogacy due to ops medical condition

daysfilledwithdappledlight · 25/04/2022 18:03

Sending you so much love.

Second the recommendation for gateway women and @chasing.creation on Instagram to help you navigate the prospect of a childless future.

This is such terrible news for you both and is a lot to adjust to. I'd suggest some counseling together before making any final decisions.

I got married 5 years ago, and in the 15years together we always spoke about having kids. It took us 5 years to conceive but we genuinely believed we would be having a child free future because of health issues. Regardless of whether it was his health reasons or immune, we'd of stuck together. It wasn't what either of us had planned, but in the last childless year before we surprisingly got pregnant, we actually started getting our heads round what a new future could look like, and the many positives that could entail.

Personally, if you've got married and say for better for worse, in sickness or in health then that's what you should do. If one of us was in a car accident and had life altering injuries that meant we couldn't have kids - I would hope the other would stick by the other.

Not being able to have kids because of a change in health is ENTIRELY different to changing your mind and should not be treated with any similarities.

I'm so sorry his immediate reaction is to leave you. Who knows - he may have his own fertility issues and not be able to have kids. It's such an arrogant assumption. I truly hope that as the shock of the news wears off you can give yourselves some time to come to grips with this. Facing that news is hard enough, let alone with the loss of your partner. Sending love and wish you all the best xx

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 25/04/2022 18:03

Has he ever hung out with a pregnant woman? Because it’s not all snuggling on the sofa, clasping the burgeoning belly and feeling the baby kick. For a lot of couples, the pregnancy absolutely sucks. I was a hormonal dervish with one of mine and DH was a bloody saint to get through it without murdering divorcing me! It just smacks as incredibly naive at every level. I’m so sorry, OP.

ApertureGLaDOS · 25/04/2022 18:04

This situation isn’t a perfect reverse of men who don’t want to have children. This is a OP who can’t have a biological child but has raised the situation of adoption only to be told me, her DH isn’t interested. Not at all the same.

I am sorry OP. You are too good for him and deserve better. Hopefully some time away will give him a chance to realise he’s been a shit but you don’t need someone telling you they want to support a theoretical pregnant woman over their actual wife. It’s awful behaviour.

Nelliephant1 · 25/04/2022 18:04

The same happened to my friend, he met someone quickly after he left and they've now got a six month old son.

It's horrible and awful and it's not your fault. It seems like for some men their urge to have their own child aces any relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 💐

DancingUnderTheLights · 25/04/2022 18:05

I agree with the few others who can sympathise with someone (woman or man) who wants their own children but agree there is something unsettling about the wording the OP's husband has used here. I mean who leaves their partner and says because they want the experience of having a pregnant wife.

ImAvingOops · 25/04/2022 18:07

I'm absolutely not being hypocritical on calling him a shit. I would say exactly the same to a woman who was leaving her husband after 10 years because he became sick and couldn't have children.
This isn't a casual relationship, where neither has made promises - it's a marriage and is supposed to be in sickness and in health! Life changes and in a marriage one would expect a husband to be primarily concerned with his wife's health and well-being and to take the rough with the smooth.

It's not at all comparable to a situation where someone has said they want kids and then changed their minds once their partner has committed. Or lied to get a partner to commit. Big difference between won't have a baby and can't have a baby.

I think what disturbs me here is that he is treating his wife like she's expendable. Only important so long as she can provide what he wants.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 18:07

Ideally before you marry someone you should be aware of whether they want children or not with you. Surely that's where the difference between can't and won't is important.

Yes but you don't have that luxury with unexpected medical conditions. I honestly think most women would be advised to leave a marriage if the situation was reversed.

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 18:08

I agree with @Incapacitated tbh.

i don’t think there is an easy answer tbh but I suspect you need to do some work with a counsellor so you can both establish what is and isn’t possible, what sort if life he wants, what sort of life you want, incl whether your relationship can even recover from what he said.

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 18:08

OMG. I'm heartbroken for you and I'm sure all of us would give you a virtual hug. {{ }}
Is it really impossible for you to look after a child if you had one via IVF with a donor womb? 🙁😢

Hana89 · 25/04/2022 18:10

Firstly @Notmyfault1 , so much love to you right now as you navigate this.
I appreciate your husband is working through some difficult emotions, and yes, we should hold compassion for him with this. However if part of his dream is to support a woman through pregnancy and postpartum, and motherhood, he may wish to consider whether he is best suited to such a role if he cannot support you through your fertility struggles without considering a dissolution of your marriage.
The desire to support is noble, but stepping up to support the life partner you have is more so.

Especially as it sounds as though you would like to have children but are unable to do so due to your own medical needs.
I hope you find solace and support in this community and elsewhere to get you through this xxxx

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2022 18:10

How does he know that he can father children though op ? He hasn't any guarantees either had he?
He is being unreasonable and I feel for you so much. It's a horrible situation.

MrMrsJones · 25/04/2022 18:11

He is allowed to want his own children and many times I've seen posts on here where the man hasn't wanted them and the women is told to leave before its too late.

It's sad, but he wants to be a father

FlatCheese · 25/04/2022 18:13

For PP saying that women get advised to leave if their husbands won't have children, usually the situation is that the husband has been promising to TTC "next year" or "not yet" and keeps her hanging on, knowing full well that he doesn't want children. That's deliberately deceptive. If she stays throughout her 30s she's left it too late to meet and have children with someone else. That's a world away from someone who has a medical reason that they can't have children, either a man or a woman.

DappledShade · 25/04/2022 18:14

I'm so sorry for what you are going through op. You deserve a husband who loves you and will stick with you through everything. If my husband had been unable to give me a child I would have stayed with him, because I love him and made a promise to do so always. Maybe he is just in shock, maybe not. If not, I fear he has a huge shock coming in the future when he realises that pregnancy can be incredibly tough in itself, personally I'd want someone more reliable anyway.

Remember, you have choices too, you don't have to wait for him to decide what he wants, you matter just as much.

DappledShade · 25/04/2022 18:14

I'm so sorry for what you are going through op. You deserve a husband who loves you and will stick with you through everything. If my husband had been unable to give me a child I would have stayed with him, because I love him and made a promise to do so always. Maybe he is just in shock, maybe not. If not, I fear he has a huge shock coming in the future when he realises that pregnancy can be incredibly tough in itself, personally I'd want someone more reliable anyway.

Remember, you have choices too, you don't have to wait for him to decide what he wants, you matter just as much.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2022 18:15

I get you being preg is a no due to medical heslth

but if say used a surrogate with his sperm (maybe your egg) depending on your medical issues

would you be able to care fir a child once older with help

newborn babies need a lot of care but a maternity nurse or nsnny could help

when child is a toddler /older would you be able to cope

or again have some help

it’s hard not knowing what your medical condition is iyswim to know what help you may need

yiur husband wanting to help with pregnancy is a weird reason. It’s 9mths

he should be there and willing fir the next 20/30/40yrs of his life

i think you both could do with some counselling

DappledShade · 25/04/2022 18:15

Sorry, not sure why that posted twice!

grapewines · 25/04/2022 18:16

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/04/2022 17:23

Women are told all the time to leave a man who won't have children if she wants the chance at them. Other than the difference between won't and can't, why is this any different?

I agree. And I don't actually think OP husband has done anything wrong, he's been honest. He wants his own children, there's no guarantee that he'll get them but he knows with OP, it's a certainty he won't. He's been honest. It's not her fault she can't have kids, it's not his that he wants them.

I agree with this as well. It is a shit situation for both of you, but he has been honest.

TooManyPJs · 25/04/2022 18:18

I don't agree with most of the PPs. However hard this is I completely understand why he would not want to give up having children. However hard that is for the OP.

I am in a similar position. Health issues have meant that my DH hasn't had the children that we planned when we married. He's always wanted children. I have one from a previous relationship so it's sad for me, but not as sad as it is for him if that makes sense. I have said to him that I would completely understand if he wanted to leave to give him the chance of having children with someone else. I would be heartbroken of course but would also understand it completely. That's a huge thing for someone to give up and the problem is with me not with him (as far as we know!). He's chosen to stay which is lovely but I know it makes him sad and that's something we have to live with.

MissusMaisel · 25/04/2022 18:18

I don't think it's at all fair to call him a dock, selfish, cruel, unfair.....

If you enter enter a partnership with the intent to have children, and that becomes impossible, it's ok to re evaluate that partnership as a whole. It's ok to want to have children and it's ok to leave a relationship when something fundamental to you has been lost from it.

If OP had posted saying she has always wanted children and that had become impossible due to an issue with her husband, I don't believe OP would have been called a selfish dick for considering ending her marriage.

Nobody has to remain with a partner when it no longer makes sense for them.

Libertaire · 25/04/2022 18:19

The usual ridiculous MN double standards on display, yet again. 🙄

If a woman who wanted to have her own biological children, but her husband was infertile asked what she should do she would be encouraged to leave him and take her chance to become a mother and have her precious children with another partner while she still had time etc etc.

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 18:20

FlatCheese · 25/04/2022 18:13

For PP saying that women get advised to leave if their husbands won't have children, usually the situation is that the husband has been promising to TTC "next year" or "not yet" and keeps her hanging on, knowing full well that he doesn't want children. That's deliberately deceptive. If she stays throughout her 30s she's left it too late to meet and have children with someone else. That's a world away from someone who has a medical reason that they can't have children, either a man or a woman.

Not always. Women are also more broadly advised to leave purely because they want to have children and this need is too big a desire to give up.

bellac11 · 25/04/2022 18:20

This is an awful situation for both of you. You will both be suffering loss, loss of each other, you will suffer the loss of opportunity to have children of your own and feelings of guilt and blame and thats why its important that blame is not brought into this

I agree with other posters about the hypocrisy on this site. Others have mentioned that women sometimes end a relationship because their partner wont have/cant have a child but also there are lots of threads where a relationships turns sexless either through illness/age/choice and of course its a persons right to seek that elsewhere and end the current relationship if it doesnt meet need. Its very sad but its no ones fault.