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Original poster

Husband leaving as I can't have children

355 replies

Notmyfault1 · 25/04/2022 16:20

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

OP posts:
ANUsernam · 25/04/2022 18:20

There is a big difference between leaving someone who has decided they don't want children and leaving someone who can't have children.

I'm not saying he's not allowed to feel enormous loss at not being able to have children, but leaving your partner because they're suffering medically and had the choice to have children taken away from them, is NOT the same as leaving someone who has chosen that not having children is what's important to them.

Only the most callous of people would think those situations equal.

I haven't been through this situation, op but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope someone will come along who's able to offer you some advice on where you could perhaps get some support.

dipdye · 25/04/2022 18:21

Very difficult, but as pp's have said, if he wants children then he deserves to go after that. We'd give that advice to a woman

bellac11 · 25/04/2022 18:24

DancingUnderTheLights · 25/04/2022 18:01

Ideally before you marry someone you should be aware of whether they want children or not with you. Surely that's where the difference between can't and won't is important.

Show quote history

People change their minds though

The other issue which is quite common is someone losing their ability to have sex or intimacy, no one would berate someone saying that they couldnt continue in a sexless marriage if thats what they needed. I see it as a similar issue, the marriage/relationship can no longer give you want you need and its right that you call it a day.

DangerouslyBored · 25/04/2022 18:25

gannett · 25/04/2022 17:43

And I'm so sorry OP. I don't think I could get past hearing this from my partner. I'm child-free by choice, and DP is on the same page, but if he turned round and dumped me because I couldn't/wouldn't give him children... that's unfathomably cruel.

If your partner left you because you wouldn’t have children, that would be cruel. Why? It’s his right to change his mind, many people do change their mind about having children. I was one of these people. If you simply choose to not have children, that’s poles apart from not being able to have them.

What is cruel is being married to someone for ten years, they are then told they are infertile and you then leave them. I’m currently pregnant with an IVF baby, just to give you an idea of how wanted this baby is. If my DH was told he was infertile, I wouldn’t dream of leaving him! Not everyone can have children. Those people often go on to have happy and fulfilled lives. I just can’t get my head around how someone could leave their wife of ten years over something that’s not her fault, over a human being that doesn’t even exist yet. And may never exist if the DH meets someone else.

As previously mentioned, my baby is v
much wanted but even I can see that children are not the be all and end all, and my relationship with my DH and my love and devotion to him comes above and before anything. During our gruelling IVF journey, DH told me emphatically that if the treatment was unsuccessful, he wouldn’t dream of leaving me. But he is a kind and decent man who loves the bones of me

I’m so very sorry, OP. I would let him go. I hope you go onto have a fulfilled and happy life with someone who loves you unconditionally, in sickness and in health.

LoisLane66 · 25/04/2022 18:26

When most couples marry, they create a home in which to have their own family. To know you will never have that is a body blow, whether you're a man or woman. It's even more of a blow as the lady in question now cannot work and for all we know, her husband may have caring duties beside his career, so a double whammy.
Only in their 30s it's a terrible dilemma for both of them. I certainly don't think her DH is bad. He said what he said whilst in shock as would anyone and it wasn't a final remark, he said he 'wasn't sure' he wanted a life without his own children which is very understandable.
I hope the OP and her husband can agree to talk about it with a professional who can support and find a route to help both parties.

NervousFlyer2022 · 25/04/2022 18:26

I'm so sorry OP. that is harsh, like you say it isn't black and white but it's very very hard for you and you're being amazingly rational whilst clearly knocked for six.There will be people out there who can meet you where you are now, not where they imagined you'd be.

CPL593H · 25/04/2022 18:26

GreyCarpet · 25/04/2022 17:21

Women are told all the time to leave a man who won't have children if she wants the chance at them. Other than the difference between won't and can't, why is this any different?

It's a terrible situation for them both and one which requires compassion.

Show quote history

There is surely a massive difference between can't and won't?

aSofaNearYou · 25/04/2022 18:26

*I'm not saying he's not allowed to feel enormous loss at not being able to have children, but leaving your partner because they're suffering medically and had the choice to have children taken away from them, is NOT the same as leaving someone who has chosen that not having children is what's important to them.

Only the most callous of people would think those situations equal.*

I don't think anyone thinks the situations are identical, just that they're both valid reasons not to stay in the relationship.

TeatimeGlitter · 25/04/2022 18:29

@Pinkyxx Your ex sounds like a narcissist, I’m sure that in many ways you and your DD are much better off without him.

OP, I’m sure that you will have a happy life, even if this relationship draws to a close.

It’s better to be in good company than in the company of someone so conditionally present.

You are only in your thirties and I feel that you have every chance of finding someone wonderful to live your life with, who loves you just as you are. Your life is far from over, I promise. Sending hugs.

Awalkintime · 25/04/2022 18:30

Sorry1982 · 25/04/2022 17:05

I was thinking of becoming a surrogate. I’d love to help a couple in a situation like this . I’m not being horrible but if it was the other way round I don’t think the replies would be so harsh. In fact I’m sure I read a women asking this on another thread and they weren’t calling her a shit .

My response would be, I see it as baby trafficking and should be banned.

JanisMoplin · 25/04/2022 18:30

I think given the enormous changes you have had to weather since your marriage, some counselling would be good. An illness puts a lot of stress on a marriage.

bellac11 · 25/04/2022 18:31

CPL593H · 25/04/2022 18:26

There is surely a massive difference between can't and won't?

Show quote history

The outcome is the same for him though, he wont have his own child with OP

He doesnt want an adoptive child, even if they passed the adoption application, he wants his own biological child and he now cant have that with OP

Whether its from a cant or wont is irrelevant, the outcome is the same for him.

Pinkyxx · 25/04/2022 18:32

@TeatimeGlitter perhaps he is... one thing is for sure we are better off without him in all ways. Love is not conditional..

JeSuisFattyGay · 25/04/2022 18:33

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 25/04/2022 17:28

Awful as it is to be the one 'left behind' I can't see that his decision is a bad one. He has done what many women, do when they get to a certain age. Made a decision that he wants kids. It wn't have been any easier for him to make that decision, to have that conversation than it is for anyone else.

Flowers @Notmyfault1 it REALLY isn't your fault and I hope you both find peace with this.

I'm afraid I agree with this. I would have left my husband in a heartbeat if he hadn't been willing or able to have children. I loved him, but he was not my priority in the way that people upthread have mentioned. I don't think the OP's husband has done anything wrong at all (though neither has the OP, obviously). It's very sad for both of them.

headstone · 25/04/2022 18:34

I suppose it comes down to what is a valid reason for ending a relationship. For some people there isn’t one. I don’t think until death do as part really exists anymore for most people. If someone is unhappy for what ever reason they leave. I think the OP would eventually be happier with someone else and not with her current husband that might resent her for something she can’t help.

MissusMaisel · 25/04/2022 18:34

CPL593H · 25/04/2022 18:26

There is surely a massive difference between can't and won't?

Show quote history

How is there a massive difference? The outcome is the exact same; no children.

Intent doesn't alter the facts. Can't and won't both come out at the same place; he wants to have children and he can't do that and remain in the marriage. He's allowed to make that choice, it's not wrong in any way

Benjispruce4 · 25/04/2022 18:34

I’m so sorry. I would be so disappointed in him if I was you. He Marriott, not future children. None of us know our fertility until we try. Perhaps he’s not the man you thought he was. I hope you can move forward.

PortalooSunset · 25/04/2022 18:34

I hope when he's had a day or 2 to wallow and lick his wounds, grieve for the future he thought you'd have, he'll see sense and realise that what he wants is to support his actual, real, loving wife who he promised to be with in sickness and in health, and not a hypothetical pregnant one. If that's still what you want @Notmyfault1 💐

Benjispruce4 · 25/04/2022 18:34

Married not Marriott

JoeGoldberg · 25/04/2022 18:35

Horrible for you to hear, OP, and I can understand why you're devastated. But there is nothing wrong with him wanting to have children, and he deserves the chance for that. I can't believe some posters have called him awful for wanting that.

JeSuisFattyGay · 25/04/2022 18:35

my relationship with my DH and my love and devotion to him comes above and before anything

DangerouslyBored, it would be interesting to know if you still feel this way once your baby has been born. My experience is that men are replaceable, however much you love them. Children aren't.

Wannakisstheteacher · 25/04/2022 18:35

I would 100% have left DH if he couldn’t have children. Sorry, but I’d never, ever give up having my own biological children, in what, solidarity?

JanisMoplin · 25/04/2022 18:39

I suppose it depends on how desperately you want your own biological children. I can see that lives without children or biological children are just as happy and satisfying.

ShaneTwane · 25/04/2022 18:40

This is such a sad situation I'm sorry op. But I disagree with people having a go at this man. Many people want their own children and a relationship without is a deal breaker and that is not wrong. He is not selfish at all to persue fatherhood as a woman would not be selfish to leave a marriage to have her own children.

That doesn't mean op can't be hurt and angry. It just means the husband has now found out they are no longer compatible in that respect and has chosen to end the relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person. No one and I repeat no one would berate a woman for leaving to achieve motherhood if she was with a man who couldnt have kids. The only difference in role reversal is she could have a sperm donor baby and stay with her partner, a man can't do that without a surrogate and not everyone agrees with that. He presumably got married with the intention that kids would be a possibility.

JoeGoldberg · 25/04/2022 18:43

He is not selfish at all to persue fatherhood as a woman would not be selfish to leave a marriage to have her own children.

I completely agree. What would be worse is if he stayed and grew to resent OP.