Husband leaving as I can't have children

[Notmyfault1]

That's it really.i can't have children,and I would struggle with raising a children due to medical issues. This is relatively new.

We have been together 10 years and married 6. Since being married I have suffered medically issues that mean that it would be dangerous for me and potential baby to be pregnant.

My husband told me at the weekend that he isnt sure he wants a life without his own children. He wants to experience of a pregnant wife and supporter her through this and bring up a child together.

I'm gutted and in pieces. It's not my fault I can't have children. But i also know that i can't really be angry at his honesty.

I asked him to leave the house for a while he can think through his emotions as I can't look at him without feeling so much pain.

Has anyone else been through this?

I dont want him to resent me so I won't beg for him to stay,but I feel so much pain.

Thankyou

Sorry you are going thrrough this op.

Honestly though...there's something off about the way he phrased what he wants.

Wants to support a pregnant woman through pregnancy? Well...that's fucking creepy. Sounds more like he has a kink for vulnerable women rather than actually wants children tbh.

I mean at best it's head in the clouds nonsense from someone who hasn't given much thought to children.

Tbh though I'd have the ick at the way he phrased it.

If he wants kids the fine, he is going to have to go elsewhere. If he wants an oven for his mini-me, however then the same thing applies, but with 'good riddance!" to him.

I know several women who could not have children. Their husbands stuck by them. Some adopted. Some decided to do without DC and had happy, meaningful lives.

I think your husband is being cruel and transactional, and I would say that to any woman married to an infertile man as well.

I wouldn’t prioritise kids over a relationship/marriage.

Being a parent is very one sided, they take from you and don’t really give much back. Which is all completely normal! But with husband/wife relationship it’s more mutually fulfilling as in you’re both mindful of each other and meet each other’s needs, it goes both ways and both of you get something out of it.

If you have a good marriage then he’s a fool to throw that away for hypothetical kids he may never have

I thought the exact same thing re the supporting pregnant wife thing too. Total ick

Thankyou for the replies.

I think I'm so sad and in pain as ultimately I know that he has been honest and is struggling too. He hasn't fully decided,he is just really struggling.

He definitely has a very idealistic view of children and parenthood. His family are dysfunctional and I can see he may want his own children to do a better job iyswim. I've asked him to speak to his friends both Male and female about the truth of parenthood to try and get a more balanced view.

I dont want to force him to stay with me or guilt him.

It just so painful as the life with him,with a family has gone,and now he has gone too

And also there is a difference between " doesn't want to have kids" and " can't have kids". Leaving a spouse for the latter- when they can't help being infertile-strikes me as primitive and ridiculously old fashioned, like what Henry the VIII did.

I would think less of anyone who chucked their existing, real partner whom they presumably loved in favour of hypothetical children who don't exist. Honestly shocked that anyone could act like OP's husband, at a time when his wife is so vulnerable and needs his support the most. Would be equally horrified by a woman doing similar to her husband. There's a callousness to it - as if those people didn't love their partner for who they were but for what they could provide (a child).

Many wonderful parents with disabilities are out there with the right support and many children are born through surrogacy each year, biologically related to one or both parents.

I think this may be about the marriage not being what he wanted, not children. I do suspect he is more selfish and conditional than you realised and I'm so sorry.

Why do so many think this?

It's often said that nobody should be expected to have children if they don't want them, so surely you shouldn't be leaving out of anger that the other person won't have them with you. The point is that you want children and it won't happen in that relationship, not the reason why it won't happen.

He wants the whole experience of having a child,the pregnancy, and the enjoyment of bringing up a child with his wife. I cant give him that.

And I'm so sorry OP. I don't think I could get past hearing this from my partner. I'm child-free by choice, and DP is on the same page, but if he turned round and dumped me because I couldn't/wouldn't give him children... that's unfathomably cruel.

With surrogacy you can be there for the scans and some surrogates love support through the pregnancy which you can give as a couple in the context of friendship. Anything is possible.

@Notmyfault1 do you have friends or family supporting you? You shouldn’t try and carry this alone, there’s so much to process. Please be kind to yourself, like your nc says- it’s not your fault

So sorry to read this.
He is incredibly selfish. What if he was the one who couldn´t have children? Would he think it was fair you left him?
In that sense, you´re better off without him. Particularly if he leaves you now rather than when and if you really need him.

If he is struggling with his own emotions, then he should seek help, or to overcome the issue with you.

I´d let him go.

I'm so sorry, such a horrible and painful situation.
I do think my DH would have made the same decision in that situation. I think the desire for children for some people will always supersede relationships.

It's a horribly sad situation and I'm really sorry OP.

I can't imagine how devastated you must be and it must feel like such a betrayal.

He might adjust and change his mind, he likely won't.

I don't think he's done anything terribly wrong though and I don't know if it does you much good to be encouraged to see him as the bad guy here.
I wonder if it would be much harder in the long run for you both to be in a relationship with this hanging over you both.

He may always feel resentful and you would feel terrible.

Could you both have some counselling, together or apart?

We all want different things and sometimes life doesn't give them to us. That's just the way it is sometimes. This all sounds very 'brood mare' to me.

I hope you can get some support for yourself because I can see this will be all about what he wants and his feelings and his "pain" .....

@aSofaNearYou for me it's the in sickness and health bit of the wedding vows.

It just is different to me. It's not a choice for the op she can't change her mind.

He's a dick though for behaving as he has and she's better off without him anyway.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP?
i really feel for you.
As you say, you don’t want your husband to resent you so it’s a good idea for him to work through his feelings and decide what’s best for him.

All the best 💐💐

I'm worried this is the case too,when we met I had a very good jobs,earned well and was healthy and planning a family.

Now I cant work,live of a small compensation,and am ill and cant give him chuldren

We are in our 30s,so I guess for him his marriage has been a disappointment.

Sorry, I completely missed that you can't adopt because you can't raise a child due to medical issues. That sounds terribly difficult. I still would not leave my spouse for this though. I might try to get extra help somehow if I could.

It's a shit situation OP, as someone who can't have children myself, I can empathise. My DH has always desperately wanted a child, we discussed adoption it wasn't for us. I told my DH that I understood if he wanted to leave so that he could meet someone and have the family he wanted, I was lucky he chose to stay and we got a dog instead.

But as PP have said, it's a horrible situation but at least he's being honest. Women are often advised on MN to leave their relationship when they want kids but the man doesn't.

The only thing you can do is accept his decision and try and move on. You can have a happy fulfilling life with no children, you can meet someone who doesn't want children... plenty of men don't!

Good luck to you OP xx

Op's husband is allowed to be shocked, heart broken and devastated by this news. It is however offensive of him to treat OP like an incubator with no other purpose than to bear his children. A better man, person, might turn their mind to adoption , surrogacy etc to have a family rather than opting to dis-guard their life partner for a ''functioning model''. Having a child is not a right, and there is no guarantee of conception. Marriage is meant to be until death do us part but some of the posts on this thread make is clear that marriage today is more '' until things don't go the way I wanted/hoped, at which point I should feel free to ditch that person for a different one''.

@SockFluffInTheBath & @MzHz thank you, it will always hurt I think. Although perhaps not as much as my ex as hurt the child we have by making nil to be a father to her, instead preferring to create a new family with another woman and focus on that. Over the years I've realized that it was less the family he wanted and more the status of being a Father. When the going gets tough (such as when our child was very unwell as an infant and hospitalized for months on end, or when she was bullied in primary school...) he was no where to be seen... I feel nothing but pity for him, he may now be able to parade his children at work events, post pictures of them all wearing matching clothes on instagram etc but in truth he couldn't be a less involved Father if he tried.

Ideally before you marry someone you should be aware of whether they want children or not with you. Surely that's where the difference between can't and won't is important.