Utterly heartbroken pt2 - baby steps forward

[colouringindoors]

I've had so much amazing support and advice on thread 1:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4447267-Utterly-utterly-heartbroken?page=10&reply=116823741

My first and very significant relationship, following the end of a long traumatic marriage, ended in January leaving me devastated. A lot of trauma plus single parent to two teens with disabilities/asd plus severe chronic pain folowing back injury 2 years ago mean my resilience is very small.

Seems the end of this first relationship post unhappy marriage has also been v difficult for many others. As is the end of others' relationships.

So this thread is here for me as I try to make progress, and for anyone else struggling who'd like to join.

Lots of excellent advice on first thread too.

💐

[Itsmewithanewname]

Thanks @colouringindoors I've cheered up since yesterday, there are so many good things in my life and I count my blessings. And after a good rain yesterday the sun is shining. The new dating site I joined is called Our Time and it seems you cannot message anyone unless you pay 😂😂 they won't be getting any of my money for the same old fish pics, I'm afraid. I met ex on OLD, first experience for both of us, and I thought it would be easy to find a 'replacement' .. joke is on me, I'm afraid! I've got to remind myself that I'm concentrating on me for now. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight, I need to but ex never minded. I'm wondering now if he was just with me because I have a nice house and he thought he might move in. I did make it easy for him.. maybe he never actually fancied me at all?

[Itsmewithanewname]

Wow, that was a self indulgent post! We did have a good relationship for the first 2 years and there's no point in me going back over history. It will be fine and at least I've still got my nice house ha ha ex

@Graceybaby that's do sad but I think you've got a lot of conflicting emotions going on. I'm so glad you have a counselor as it's so useful to talk to a real person who can put some perspective on things. Don't make rushed decisions about anything.

@Prepaid71 we get you. I hope you can turn this around to a positive. It's utterly crap not knowing exactly what happened ❤️

[Prepaid71]

I need support from somewhere for the weaker moments!
today the pain is a dull ache in my heart like an overwhelming feeling something awful is about to happen…. Except it already has 🤷‍♀️
need to just keep busy and focused.

[Itsmewithanewname]

@Prepaid71 I know that dull ache.. I felt at first like my arm had been ripped off then it gradually lessened to a punch in the gut. Absolute physical pain. I think it might be therapeutic to concentrate on getting angry instead of internalising the pain? Worth a try!

[colouringindoors]

Def worth getting angry @Prepaid71 have a rant, write an angry letter. Swear a lot!

It really is a physical pain. Paracetamol does help a little.

How's everyone else doing? I've had a busy week which has helped. I still think of him sometimes but it's far less painful. I don't think well of him. I've paused the OLD stuff. Just can't be arsed at the moment. Need to get work stuff sorted. I know how it works now. Most of the men I matched with were useless at even messaging. It's a crazy system.

[milkandhoneyy]

Before ex I did a looooot of OLD. I'm an old pro. It can be so so tedious and draining so best not to spend too much time on it and to take it all with a pinch of salt otherwise it can make you so cynical.
I'm back on one of the apps so that's something.
Apart from that also just been keeping busy. Good days and bad but time really is the only healer I find.

[DrBrennerFan]

Not read whole thread can i check in feel stupid say nothing but cries inside.

[colouringindoors]

@DrBrennerFan you ok?

[DrBrennerFan]

@colouringindoors

@DrBrennerFan you ok?

Just gutted won’t say anymore I’d be slammed hated anyway.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

DrBrennerFan

no one will slam and hate you here !
im sorry you are feeling so sad 😞

[brandnewdayreset]

Whilst I strongly disapprove of people who enter into affairs, I don't think a distinction should be made between the pain of people who are distraught because their partner/spouse has left them and the pain of people who are distraught because the person they were having an affair with has ended the affair.

Both types will feel betrayed, lied to and will experience a loss of hope and a loss of that idealised relationship. It can be argued that an ex affair partner has only themselves to blame, that they should have been a better person, that they are selfish, etc., but that doesn't diminish their pain.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

brandnewdayreset

agree
ive never been a cheater
or cheated on majorly (but I can imagine the pain)

but the OW gets totally shit kicked on here and it’s not fair

[DrBrennerFan]

@Thisisworsethananticpated

DrBrennerFan

no one will slam and hate you here !
im sorry you are feeling so sad 😞

Don’t you believe it you’ve seen the way people are slammed online because of texts etc. I’ll never get over this. (Cry’s Brenner T-shirt)

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Maybe on a public forum
I agree
but I’m not judgmental and never have been
a broken heart is a broken heart
we all fuck up
everyone

[DrBrennerFan]

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Maybe on a public forum
I agree
but I’m not judgmental and never have been
a broken heart is a broken heart
we all fuck up
everyone

My whole life’s been fuck up god must have laughed the day I was born let’s see how much emotional pain this one can go through too long a story here crap parents boarding school in those days if disabled you were sent away then aunt who didn’t want me. Crap teens hated body( told I was fat 30 years later saw photos for the first time of me at 19 I cried I was so thin) only married ex to get away from the family, then the drunken benders etc. left that marriage family tried again to overtake run my life. Married again it’s lasted but it’s been hard work weed money wasted on musical career going no where (thank god that lots finished) oh and don’t need the “there are people worse off than you lectures from posters) his grumpiness can get me down the last few years have been hell. see holothane posts the lots there. My future looks hell now I adore my in-laws without their especially dads support when they’re gone I can’t bear to think off. (Off to corner)

[colouringindoors]

@DrBrennerFan no judgement from me. Like you I've had to survive a lot of shit and trauma. Which is partly why the end of my relationship, my final "happyish ever after" was so utterly devastating.

Can you talk to your in-laws at all about how you're feeling? About his grumpiness? I'm guessing here, but if you were to finish things with this man it doesn't necessarily mean you'd loose the relationship with your in-laws.

[DrBrennerFan]

@colouringindoors

@DrBrennerFan no judgement from me. Like you I've had to survive a lot of shit and trauma. Which is partly why the end of my relationship, my final "happyish ever after" was so utterly devastating.

Can you talk to your in-laws at all about how you're feeling? About his grumpiness? I'm guessing here, but if you were to finish things with this man it doesn't necessarily mean you'd loose the relationship with your in-laws.

In-laws dad knows the lot in fact dad he told “if happiness comes grab it you’ve earned it. You’ve been an angel to put up with him and yes that’s my son” I haven’t the energy now to leave to what. At least I can escape into my stories etc got my hobbies . Too many health issues now I simply don’t care anymore.

[DrBrennerFan]

As mentioned on other thread antibiotics 1500 m for seven days still heartbroken but at least I’m thinking rationally now I’m still thinking something has happened on that rig there’s kids involved I’d be heartbroken for them he was supposed to leave rig in June. Just vanished Twitter I’m not blocked (messages not looked at on what’s app) but I’m checking less and less now. Just tired at least once antibiotics kick in I can start to feel bette physically and I’m starting ordering the treats big time for me. Birthdays forever cancelled he wanted to be my present I’ve always hated my birthday (toxic family 1987 long story) well now unless on official forms etc it’s won’t exist for me. Have deleted every photo from last year I never want a photo of me again.

[colouringindoors]

So has he ghosted you? That's horrible. Good plan to delete all photos, they can be seriously triggering in my experience. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon and you can give yourself a few treats and nice distractions.

[DrBrennerFan]

@colouringindoors

So has he ghosted you? That's horrible. Good plan to delete all photos, they can be seriously triggering in my experience. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon and you can give yourself a few treats and nice distractions.

Thank you so much for not slating me the photos were ones I sent of me to him, so everything gone. All his have gone as well. Oh yes Mathew Modine in stranger things will be my treat. Loads of stuff planned even jubilee weekend tea and cakes on the Saturday with stalls, a hospital appointment middle of June in Birmingham (harmless lump in left eye false eye hides it they like to check once a year) will be using this and these to wear oh jeans photo has gone , it showed me. So treats that day too if see any.

[DrBrennerFan]

God he’s a mood today he got a bisexual flag back of hand tattoo . Now decided he wants it covered up says I’ve never like it (I’ve never understood it but didn’t care when he got it) this is husband by the way. Our bathroom fitter is brilliant says he can cancel due to my health I’ve replied “no I’m 💔as it is I’ll stay in bedroom all day if have to and he’s doing me stranger things for me to watch without I’d howl the place down) no that bathrooms going ahead.

[DrBrennerFan]

Hanging in there twitter is-my life saver as is my stories about Dr Brenner (my eyes only) we Stranger Things fans are having a great time. He gets me down says I’m always fed up well I’m not surprised £70 today an deposit for a tattoo cover up cigarettes £10 a throw 70 a week he dare say about my stuff next week I’ll rip his fucking head off. The money he’s wasted in this marriage. At least visit go in-laws -planned end of June, will be wonderful to see dad (adore my in-laws) also means definite closure with the other one. No news by then I can assume accidental on rig and dead he was always afraid of that.

[Bjarnum]

OP if you go ahead with the horticultural course you may consider a partner who can hack the really physical stuff.

[colouringindoors]

you offering? 🙄

[Bjarnum]

Sadly I'm too much of a crumbly! We went with my daughter to look at a house she was interested in and the owner was an elderly lady who ran a successful gardening company. She was very much the brains of the show but she had a number of strong young men (ahem!) who did the heavy work under her guidance. She was moving to larger premises and said how she had more work than she could handle.