Utterly heartbroken pt2 - baby steps forward

[colouringindoors]

I've had so much amazing support and advice on thread 1:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4447267-Utterly-utterly-heartbroken?page=10&reply=116823741

My first and very significant relationship, following the end of a long traumatic marriage, ended in January leaving me devastated. A lot of trauma plus single parent to two teens with disabilities/asd plus severe chronic pain folowing back injury 2 years ago mean my resilience is very small.

Seems the end of this first relationship post unhappy marriage has also been v difficult for many others. As is the end of others' relationships.

So this thread is here for me as I try to make progress, and for anyone else struggling who'd like to join.

Lots of excellent advice on first thread too.

💐

oh and if you've got the option, getting out in nature helps calm me.

@Sunin he didn't mention ex, she ended it so I'd be surprised if he was back with her. Actually since the weekend I'm finding that seeing him last Fri was helpful. I don't now have any hopes/fantasies that he'll realise he's made the wrong decision and change his mind. And that is hard, but helpful. Four months next week...

colouringindoors

thats an amazing update
not bad for 4 months

I agree re nature
I had a major dip Last week and I’ve had to really push myself to get into nature , exercise , eat well etc as I know it helps mood

I actually was angry with myself as it’s spring , my favourite season and even that didn’t cheer me up last week

how are your kids ? Mines now approaching 2 years off school which doesn’t help

one Major issue for me is my phone
I’ve realised I’m spending all day on it

and it’s majorly impacting mood

as every time I check WhatsApp
thete isn’t a text from my ex !

I need to manage this better

@colouringindoors making a firm decision to move on is good. Whatever happens, you'll be a better person yourself for it. Getting out on nature really helps and the spring is looking so hopeful now! My gardening doesn't bring in a lot of money as it's erratic hours, only 2 last week but about 25 this week, but I enjoy it and hope do do it alongside other part time things. I'm slowly getting back to myself and the self sufficient person I was before I met ex. And incidentally, the person I was when ex fell in love with me, not the anxious person I became who was worried about getting older without him moving the relationship forward.

@Thisisworsethananticpated
I'm on my phone too much too. But at least don't have the whatsapp message issue.

Sorry you're having a tough time, def doesn't help with dc off school that long. Is he/she getting any support/education. Dealing with that kind of thing is v stressful on your own, must contribute to your craving not to be alone (does for me).
My ds is now attending about 40% of lessons on a good week. That's a massive improvement on Autumn term, but clearly a long way to go...

I'm slowly getting back to myself

this is so good to hear @Itsmewithanewname
I am seriously looking at career changing to gardening. Of all the job ads I look at its the type I'm slightly more interested in. Most of others leave me totally unmotivated (suspect peri menopause playing a part).

Am concerned about physical demands of such a job at 50 yrs esp having injured back badly 2 yrs prev (though that was lifting wheelchair, never had any issues with 2 decades of diy and gardening).

It also has room for progression, another thing my current role Doesn't (except train to be a teacher which I'm def not doing).

I probably just need to take the plunge but it's pretty scary! Bit more than a baby step!

@colouringindoors A change like that could be exactly what you need!

For those suffering, I had a counselling session this morning which was so amazing. I would recommend it if you can access it. Touched on attachment theories etc which is definitely worth looking into if you always find yourself obsessing over someone and struggling to lay boundaries.

thanks @milkandhoneyy I'm so confused. My siblings aren't enthusiastic. But due to poor self confidence / age / trauma I just can't see myself in the types of roles/jobs they suggest, even if academically they're theoretically more suitable. It's so hard having to make this decision on my own, and have it mean so much for my future income etc

The trouble is my self confidemce wasn't great 10 years ago.

And since then I've had a lot of abuse and trauma from exh. I've had headteachers, social workers, my GP, CAMHS practioners accuse me of poor parenting, of depriving my ds of an education, of daring to speak on subjects I'm not employed in (despite having done research +++) I've had constantly demeaning interactions with HR in my current job demanding I account for every hour I work up - not something any other member of staff has to do. Meanwhile I'm recovering from ptsd which in itself brings shame and a lack of confidence in one's mind and body. I've lost confidence in my physical body, which I'd never worried about, following a severe back injury nearly 2 years ago, which has left me with nerve damage. The lack of medical help for the first 12 months after that only served to reinforce my suspicions that I don't deserve help or support. And lastly, this January, rejected by my lover and friend despite a very special connection. Why would I think Anyone would want to employ me.

Sounds like you've had a tough time @colouringindoors keep your chin up.

Did your ex know about all this?

colouringindoors

If anyone deserves a happy job it’s you !

and as a fellow single mum of sen son I understand the nerves

regarding back , I think I saw you do yoga anyway

but if transitioning to a more physical role it’s critical to keep that up
insued to have a bad back and somehow through weight loss and daily core I’ve managed to control it
even when i Twinge though gardening diy etc I can calm it faster

Thanks that's really helpful. I def need to loose weight too and absolutely will be carrying on with the yoga.

Very brave today, went on first OLD "date"! coffee with nice guy. Easy chat, no chemistry but am seriously proud of myself! It is a mad way to find someone though!!!

colouringindoors

whoa - that’s huge !!!
back in the horse
well done

Thanks 😊

Also have job interview Wed!!! Terrified I'm making a bad decision workwise. My hayfever has started. A gardener with hay fever???

@colouringindoors wow go you! That's a great step!
Good luck with your interview. Let us know how you get on

Thank you x Today I'm mostly thinking I'm stupid, I'm making a stupid decision. I had yoga and it made my nerve pain worse. I got a photo from a match on Bumble which looks nothing like the profile pic (in a v bad way) and am thinking wtf.

Neither job interview or dates are perma changes

but they are positive steps and indicate change !

as for the OLD , it’s a trek !!!

Sorry, not a hijack but I'm just posting here as I'm on the brink of messaging him and asking him if he really.. meant to break up with me. Truly, whenever I contact him (about neutral topics) he replies quickly and politely and we exchange a few nice messages. I'm wondering if we could get back together. But he wanted to stay friends and this polite response attitude might just be his way of not having my broken heart on his conscience.

I'm just crying this morning and feeling very sorry for myself. I joined another OLD site last night and it feels like a hard slog. My 'standards' are really slipping and I've found myself liking those I wouldn't have before, ie pictures holding fish and been to 'school of life'.

I think this rain, although badly needed, isn't helping!

That's what nice people do. Even after they have broken up with you, a nice person will still communicate respectfully. That's because the alternatives are either to ghost the ex, or to tell the ex directly that they do not wish to communicate any more. Nice people can sometime struggle with this directness as they don't want to upset you. I don't think it's feasible that he broke up with you by mistake.

So glad I found this thread.. in need of some friendly support.
So backstory, I was with my partner (unmarried) for 13 years.. he was my bestfriend (and only proper friend really) and we have an almost 5 year old son together.. I've struggled with chronic depression for most of my life and never truly felt 'happy'.. this was partly to blame for me deciding to end the relationship and the fact that we were just 'friends' there was no intimacy or attraction on my part and I couldn't face having sex with him, he had a very high sex drive but I used to hate it and try to avoid it as much as I could.. this made my time with him hard at times as I hated him touching me or saying anything remotely sexual to me.

Having said this he was my bestfriend and getting over it has been so hard, it's been almost 2 years and I'm now engaged and pregnant (v.early) and still struggling to move on.. for the first year or so I was fine.. but since moving into a new house with new partner and fining out I'm pregnant all these feelings have come flooding back and it's effecting my new relationship.. we've even discussed possibly not keeping the baby. I am currently seeing a counselor, I've only had one session so far and I know it takes time but I didn't feel hopeful. I have literally no friends as I lost them all during the breakup as they were 'his' friends and me and new partner don't really socialize at all and I've only met a few of his friends.. He isnt overally close with his family so I miss what I used to have with ex's family etc too.. I just feel so lonely..

Sorry for the long post!

Hi @Graceybaby I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time with depression, and ending that long term relationship. Personally I've found counselling helpful, but it does take time, and you need to commit to it, be honest, make time and reflect.

It's doubly hard when you break up and loose friends and a second family as well as your partner, so to be honest I'm not that surprised you're still grieving to an extent. I would just caution against the pain of your past damaging the possibility of a happy future with your new boyfriend - and this is where counselling can really help.

But it only works if you connect with the counsellor, and they're good at what they do. So if after a few sessions you still don't feel it's helpful, listen to those feelings and find someone else.

I get the loneliness, I really do. Keep posting. There are some really wonderful women on this thread.

@Itsmewithanewname how are you doing this evening? I totally get that that intense urge to contact and make sure it wasn't some awful error of judgement.

I've joined an OLD site recently and bloody hell, I can't believe there's not a better way of doing this in 2022.

Try and remember you are valuable. There are a LOT of dicks on those sites. The good guys are rare, but try not to lower your standards.

Not the fish men!!! You do Not need them in your life 😉

Oh! I need to join you guys too please!
second time round being left broken hearted!
first marriage for 27 years now the first man I met/connected with after divorce has called time after 7 years!
I feel I don’t deserve more heartbreak! This was my time to be happy!!
I adored him and we are such good friends too. I can’t imagine my life without him in it!
I fight the urge to text him all my waking time!
please tell me it will get easier!