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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:54

I basically feel like I need to act like a pornstar rather than his partner. It's not real or enjoyable to me

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 18/04/2022 11:57

You’re being sexually abused. Please contact women’s aid

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

MagneticRubberDucks · 18/04/2022 11:58

Honestly op this is abusive.
He’s trying to force you into doing something he knows you don’t want,
He initiates it without consent when he knows you don’t want to and then verbally abuses you to humiliate and degrade you when you ask him to stop.
And then he gives you the silent treatment and strops to punish you.

He doesn’t seem to care about how you feel or what you want, only that he gets whatever he wants and he thinks he can manipulate and blackmail you into it.

I had an ex who did this, his abuse only continued to escalate until I ended things.

Itchylegs · 18/04/2022 12:00

This is awful. He cannot treat you like that. It is abusive.

Turniptracker · 18/04/2022 12:00

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I honestly would never want to have sex with someone like that ever again. im absolutely sick of men acting as if they are entitled to sex and their pleasure is absolutely paramount, far more important than their partner's feelings and preferences. I would genuinely struggle to stay in a relationship with someone who treated me like that. I'm really sorry you've had to have that experience, it doesn't make you a shitty lover at all and it is not normal to be treated that way by someone who is supposed to love you.

TheAverageUser · 18/04/2022 12:01

No it's not normal, I'm so sorry you've gone through that. If he doesn't respect your boundaries it's clear abuse. You can be respected x

PixelatedLunchbox · 18/04/2022 12:01

@yogibear0 there's nothing wrong with you: there's a lot wrong with him, including being abusive. Please call Women's Aid. Please.

AliasGrape · 18/04/2022 12:01

To answer your question OP, no what your partner is doing/ saying/ pressuring you into isn’t normal. No not every woman enjoys anal - I have never done it and very few partners have ever asked, the ones who have have been perfectly content to accept my refusal and have not made me feel bad about it.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever. You should never be insulted or shouted at for not wanting to take part in any sex act you are not comfortable. Your partner should put your comfort and enjoyment as the most important thing.

Your partner does not get to tell you you can’t take contraception either. That is a huge huge red flag and the only men I’ve ever known who thought they could police this are abusive, controlling ones.

Palmfrond · 18/04/2022 12:01

No it’s not normal for you to accept anal penetration, and why does he insist that you not be on contraception?
Your situation sounds fucked up, I’m sorry.

MJ123 · 18/04/2022 12:03

I wouldn't want to have any form of sex with him if this is how he behaves. Do you honestly find this attractive?

Please get out

D0lphine · 18/04/2022 12:04

This is not OK. At all.

HerbertChops · 18/04/2022 12:05

No I don’t experience any of that with my partner. Your partner is being coercive and abusive. The ‘other women love it’ is rubbish, I don’t like anal. Tried it 20 years ago with current partner and it wasn’t for me, he’s never pressured me for it since, never even mentioned it. We find things we both like. Please consider speaking to womens aid or find some individual counselling to help you see your partner for what he is.

ExtraOnion · 18/04/2022 12:07

Do not carry on allowing yourself to be treated like this.

I blame porn for the notion that Anal sex is a regular part of sex - it’s ok if you enjoy it, but it’s a totally different proposition to vaginal sex. It can really hurt, if not done properly. Women in porn films have local anaesthetic injections, so they don’t feel it.

If you don’t like it, you should never be expected to do it - regardless of what it is. This man is being abusive, and he’s not going to stop. Acquiescing to his demands won’t make this any better - he’ll just be demanding more. He’ll be choking you & spitting on you next..

Do not compromise … get yourself out

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 12:07

Tell him maybe a sex toy would add spice.
Get a big strap on.
You need to make plans to leave op. My exh was similar. I once joked he could help himself and pull my nightie down when he had finished.
That became the norm.
Taking the pill or whatever is your choice not his. He thinks keeping you pregnant and with dc will stop you leaving him. Make him wrong.

ChickinMarango · 18/04/2022 12:07

This isn’t normal. This isn’t ok and you certainly shouldn’t be having any more children with someone like this.

D0lphine · 18/04/2022 12:08

Also condoms aren't reliable. Get yourself down to the doctors for something else. The last thing you need is to get pregnant.

nursingcomplete · 18/04/2022 12:08

No, it's normal. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as this man never mind having sex with him.

I hope you are okay @yogibear0 Thanks

ImprobablePuffin · 18/04/2022 12:10

Fucking hell what a piece of shit he is. He has no respect for your body or your autonomy. He's so unkind and disrespectful

You don't have to live like this.

YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO

Get this cock away from you out of your life.

cinci · 18/04/2022 12:10

@ExtraOnion

Do not carry on allowing yourself to be treated like this.

I blame porn for the notion that Anal sex is a regular part of sex - it’s ok if you enjoy it, but it’s a totally different proposition to vaginal sex. It can really hurt, if not done properly. Women in porn films have local anaesthetic injections, so they don’t feel it.

If you don’t like it, you should never be expected to do it - regardless of what it is. This man is being abusive, and he’s not going to stop. Acquiescing to his demands won’t make this any better - he’ll just be demanding more. He’ll be choking you & spitting on you next..

Do not compromise … get yourself out

Yes exactly. Anal isn't the problem in itself. It can be near painless if you plan and do it properly, and both want to. What you don't do is chance it, and prod at her even anal was never part of the agreement. That is going to hurt and is not ok.

TidyDancer · 18/04/2022 12:11

Oh gosh OP, you poor thing. You're being abused. He needs to leave.

RagzRebooted · 18/04/2022 12:11

This is absolutely not okay. I would make plans to leave him and in the meantime no sex at all, he has zero respect for you and his behaviour is abusive.

pedropony76 · 18/04/2022 12:12

This is honestly so disgusting. I do not understand the entitlement that many men seem to have regarding sex. Not only is he entitled but he’s trying to have sex without your consent (by not using a condom). He’s then abusive when you say you’re not ready. I understand you have two kids together but surely you won’t want to stay in a relationship with someone who’s abusive and disrespectful to say the least.

Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?
This certainly isn’t normal. My DP loves anal and we’d sometimes do it even though I didn’t love it anywhere near as much as him. The last time I did it with him was in Dec 2020 when I was 5 months pregnant. Since then I haven’t wanted too and my DP doesn’t even bring it up let alone verbally abuse me or pressure me. If you can’t be respectful of someone’s wishes in a relationship then what sort of relationship must that be?! This ‘all women do anal’ is such a lie and I don’t know where men get this from.

I relate to you when you say you’ve been making an effort and trying to have sex more (I have a 11 month old and due to have my second on Wednesday, so I never have energy). However if this was my DPs attitude I’d be telling him to fuck right off. Really sorry OP and I know it’s easier for us to type this out saying he’s horrible but I don’t even think you should continue trying to make an effort when he literally treats you like shit. What a prick

cinci · 18/04/2022 12:12

@Palmfrond

No it’s not normal for you to accept anal penetration, and why does he insist that you not be on contraception? Your situation sounds fucked up, I’m sorry.
Consent is the problem here. It would be' normal' to do has she consented but the guy is being abusive
ImprobablePuffin · 18/04/2022 12:13

And what are his reasons for not allowing birth control??

You know you don't have to listen, right? You know it's your body and your decision, not his. You are not his property.

pedropony76 · 18/04/2022 12:13

If you don’t like it, you should never be expected to do it - regardless of what it is.

Yes this. This is the most important point and I completely forgot to say it!

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