Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP, this is horrible to read. It's not remotely ok or normal. I'm not even going to go into rubbishing the detail re: why he's in the wrong. It doesn't matter. He should respect your feelings/preferences/decision even if every other person in the world would feel differently.

Honestly, I'm surprised you can even bring yourself to have sex with him. You're being abused

A man who loved you would not treat you like this. Love yourself enough to not put up with it. You are worth so much more. In time you can find someone who loves and cares for you. Start by loving and caring for yourself, and put a stop to this right now.

I'm really greatful for the comments everyone. I've been questioning if this really is all my fault.
After the mouthful I got from him last night and how angry he was with me I just find myself really on edge. My confidence or whatever confidence I had is definitely now gone

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with his abusive, dickhead behaviour.
He sounds so self absorbed and could care less what you want.

I had an ex that would try anal all of the time with me and it's an absolute no! from me. I would tell him it's an exit point for me and not an entry. The only thing that would get him to back off was when I would respond: "if you want anal, sure. You first. If you're so into anal, let's reach over in the drawer and I'll do you first'. The first time I said it he had a look of horror on his face. Because of course that didn't appeal to him. Maybe the next time he tries it and you don't want to, use the sure you first response. But honestly, I wish there wouldn't be a next time for you. You deserve better. And so do your kids.

I'm so sorry he's made you feel so downtrodden. He's a controlling, abusive arse. Much like my ex was.

No, it’s not normal. This is abuse. It’s actually really heartbreaking to read you post and know that you are trying to reason with this man. He’s a complete monster and you really need to end the relationship.

He sounds absolutely awful and I'm angry on your behalf for having to put up with someone like this. Of course it's not normal for him to treat you like this & you shouldn't be made to feel as if you're abnormal for not feeling up to doing certain things.

Everyone is different and has different boundaries which need to be respected.

OP NONE of this is your fault. He's rapey and abusive. You are not the problem here. You are not here to serve him. It sounds like he's worn you down to believe you're always at fault. I'll say it again, you don't have to live like this.

He's going to have to deal with the fact you don't enjoy it that's the end. I've tried it and I didn't get anything from it. It was painful and it made me feel uncomfortable we've never done it since and there has been no pressure about doing it again.

You really need to be firm here and say its not an option don't ask again. Get your self some protection he doesn't have a right to dictate whether you have the coil, pill, rod or whatever you decide. I would do it anyway as a precaution. He can't have his cake and eat it.

I don't know what planet he's on vouching for all woman enjoying it and your not alone in not wanting to have sex all the time when you have kids and are tired. Tell him to grow up and be bloody respectful. So angry for you I really am it's not on at all. Big hug to you

Just adding another voice saying that his behaviour is abusive and you are not at all in the wrong or abnormal.

NOT all women, or men, enjoy anal sex or even want to try it once.

It's fine if you like it, also completely and utterly fine if not.

Similarly condom use. It sounds like you're being sensible and thinking about contraception and he's just thinking about his own gratification.

His comments were degrading, humiliating and vicious as a response to not getting his own way sexually. Nasty. Please try and stop feeling confused or as though you hold some part of the blame for his behaviour.

If you insisted on putting something up his bum and he said no or asked you to stop because it was uncomfortable would you give him the silent treatment and verbally abuse him? He sounds vile!

He is an abuser. You did not cause this, you are not responsible for controlling it, you cannot cure it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please, please leave him. There are so many red flags you could make bunting for a carnival.

No decent man tries repeatedly to do something he knows will hurt his partner.

No decent man prevents his partner from accessing/using the contraception of her choice.

No decent man sulks about sex.

No decent man belittles or shouts at his partner for refusing sex, or for any reason, actually.

Most people are in normal, loving relationships that don't involve any of the above. I know you've been abused so it's hard to see it, but most relationships are not like this, most men are kind, decent human beings who love and cherish their partner. You deserve better than this man.

You are perfectly normal. HE is an abusive prick.

If you don't want any more kids, yet or ever, then you go and ask your GP for either an implant or coil (i.e a method of birth control that he cannot tamper with), and if that 'puts him off sex' ? Then it's a bloody win/win !

No-one should ever try to coerce you or force you to do things you don't want to, sexually or otherwise. He is trying to decide you life for you, according to HIS wants/desires/needs, and he truly doesn't seem to give a shit about you or your wants/needs/desires at ALL.

Phone Womens Aid asap, and start making plans for a better life.

This is very abusive and controlling. Get a big dildo and see how he likes having something shoved up his arse. Or better still, leave him.

Start making plans to leave. In the meantime get yourself on birth control ASAP.

He doesn’t get to say what contraceptive you’re on. Go to the doctors and please get some form of contraception he can’t interfere with, like the injection, the implant, a coil. Anything that he can’t mess up. I wouldn’t put it past him to control your access to the pill, so don’t give him the opportunity. Don’t rely on condoms with this man. There’s such a thing as “stealthing” where they take condoms off part way through sex without your knowledge. It’s illegal now, but still a possibility, so make sure you’re covered in another way with contraception so he can’t ruin your life with another child.

LTB

As soon as possible.

He has zero authority over your use of contraception.

This is a horrible environment for children anyway.

I can assure you, “every woman” does not do that.

You need to become more assertive. He is abusing you and you need to take control and not let it happen anymore. In twenty years time your kick yourself for being so submissive with him and giving him power over you. No man should ever make you feel how he has and to blame yourself. He is a prick who needs to either start showing respect or to move out. Don't give him any more power.

I’m sorry I know it’s been said but this is very abusive.
And what do you mean he doesn’t want YOU to be on any contraception? Why?

Please speak to woman’s aid.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read recently. He's an absolutely vile and abusive man. I'm sorry you are dealing with this ☹️

I don't think you fully realise how disgusting and reprehensible your husband is. He is sexually assaulting and abusing you. You post is one of the most horrific I've read in a long time. You need to get away from this man.

And by the way.. not all women like or do anal sex! Don’t let him think that you’re not normal, everyone has preferences and it’s not a given that any one, male or female like to have anal sex or anything else at all.

I expect that if you was with a non abusive partner that cares about how you feel, you might actually enjoy sex again, and may even enjoy anal sex with someone that cares enough to ensure that it isn’t painful for you.

@Aquamarine1029

I don't think you fully realise how disgusting and reprehensible your husband is. He is sexually assaulting and abusing you. You post is one of the most horrific I've read in a long time. You need to get away from this man.

Absolutely this!

You deserve so much better than this

This is heartbreaking to read. What a horrible horrible abusive vile human being your husband is. How dare he treat you like this! This is horrific abuse OP.

Firstly make a GP appointment and get some contraception. That’s in your control.

Secondly do not have any more children with him.

Thirdly Google the freedom programme. I genuinely believe he’s got you believing this is a normal existence and honestly it’s not.

Poor you. I feel so very sad reading this.

I hope you find a way out and and get away from him. You deserve so much more respect.