Partner degraded me after sex

[yogibear0]

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

This man sees you as property rather than an equal person. This isn't normal and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

I can guarantee that not every woman does anal! And so what if they did and you were the only woman who didn't, he should respect your wishes!
I agree with PPs, it's sexual abuse.

The fact that he turned something round on you and made you feel degraded and embarrassed is awful, of course you wouldn't feel relaxed around him

I think most women don't like anal @yogibear0 . And even if they did, your feelings about it are the once that count.

He's sexually coercive which is bad enough, but I think he will end up raping you if he hasn't already.

Make it clear you don't want anal penetration ever again, if you haven't said that already. If he then does it, it's rape.

If you only consent on the condition that he wears a condom, and he goes in without one, that's legally rape and has been for several years.

I suggest going on birth control without his knowledge just in case, and planning to leave.

I basically feel like I need to act like a pornstar rather than his partner. It's not real or enjoyable to me

So much of the sex we have is like that. It shouldn't be (unless the woman enjoys that I guess.) It should be about love and a real expression of what we want to do.

@D0lphine

Also condoms aren't reliable. Get yourself down to the doctors for something else. The last thing you need is to get pregnant.

The last thing the OP needs is to stay with this abuser, never mind have sex with him

The silent treatment and verbal abuse is coercive behaviour - trying to get you to do something you don't want to do by abusing you. As for the all other women do anal - no we don't! - again coercive behaviour. What really stood out to me though was that HE doesn't want you on contraceptive?? Wtf is that about?
He sounds abusive and I would really be re-considering this relationship especially if this isn't the only way in which he is abusive.

@opalescent He clearly thinks he is entitled to rough and inappropriate sex and her body. That is a corrupted porn-addled mindset - it needs changing. He would also do that to the next woman. Is it better to try and change what is going on with him or just write him and their marriage off. Sometimes men spiral into sexual addictions and perversions, does it mean an instant divorce or is it something we should try and address? Do we instantly say there are red flags here and this will never change, porn has destroyed his mind and behaviour? Genuine question for discussion, I'm just interested.

As others have said, he is being abusive, he sounds like he is controlling and when you have taken control back in that situation, his reaction is to punish you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, my heart goes out to you as I know what it's like. Take care of yourself as he isn't taking care of you.

What an utter piece of scum he sounds. He is absolutely disgusting. Vile.

Please, please don't stay with this scumbag.

Definitely report them to planning.

Only one shitty love maker here and it ain't you. He's abusive and clearly doesn't care about your pleasure or well being.

@apricotlane Do you really think OP should stay with this guy?

His wants do not trump yours when it comes to your body.

If you don’t like it/find it painful/don’t fancy it/are too tired then he needs to accept it.

If he is so convinced other women are more ‘accommodating’ then he can go find one.

He sounds like a nasty arse.

All women definitely don't do anal. I've never done it. My current fling and my ex DP both said they weren't into it before they even asked me.

Your body, your choice whether, or not, to take the pill. Who the fuck does he think he is telling you what you can and can't do with YOUR OWN BODY.

As for the sulking and silent treatment, classic attempt to control you.

Get the fuck out of there.

So sorry this abusive man treats you so badly. Please contact womens aid and get advise on how to leave him. You and your children deserve so much more than to be with him. Get the contraceptive implant/injection and get the hell away from him asap.

I want to join the feedback you've already received: this is abuse. The internet can be quick to assume, but not this time. I have been in a similar, although milder, situation, and looking back on that time makes me feel sick and tired. The partner I'm with now would NEVER treat me this way: it's NOT normal.

Please consider ways in which you can leave this relationship. I know it's hard, but you are being abused, and even if you could manage to get him to stop initiating anal, that's not the point, is it? He is clearly demonstrating his absence of care for you. That's not something you should be enduring.

Men focused on anal sex IMO have issues around degrading women - my opinion from experience I’m sorry to say. Avoid them.

It honestly sickens me how it’s become normalised because of pornography constantly pushing a constantly transgressive and debased agenda.

The view that “everyone should try it” and “everyone does it” is a way to rationalise this. To push and promote it to people to do it who would otherwise find it weird and unpleasant.

I hope you get away from him OP.

"He doesn't want you on contraception"

Book an appointment this week to get some permanent contraception
Your body, your choices
You don't even need to tell him

You don't want another child with someone who disrespect your boundaries

You also don't need to do anything that you don't want to, ever !

FFS, OP!

You are being sexually abused. You're being coerced into having sex you don't want, and then into having anal sex which you definitely don't want and which is painful for you. That is abuse and you need out of there, fast.

Let me tell you something, as an old woman who doesn't give a fuck. Anal isn't normal. OK, some women might like it - I don't give two hoots. Mrs Average (and that includes me) doesn't want any man's dick up her arse. Ever. Not to please him, not to be cool, not to experiment - no. And 'No' is ok, and should be listened to and respected. If men want anal, let them do it with each other. I wish we could have a famous woman speak out about this as JKR has about women's rights. 'Respectful sex and no round the back, boyo'. Doesn't quite have the same right as 'Respect my sex if you want my X', I'll work on it.

He won't use a condom when you want one? Abuse.

He makes you feel demeaned after sex? That's abuse too. Leave.

STOP having sex with this man. Forever. Get out. Heal (your poor arse and) gradually, your self-esteem. Get out. If my dd said she was experiencing that, I'd have her out of there that day. Look after yourself. Go.

Are you fucking kidding me? He literally tries to 'push himself inside your anus' when he gets the chance?! I am livid on your behalf!
Does he know how dangerous that is? Please tell me he at least drowns himself and your anus with Lube - specifically designed for anal sex? Yeah, thought not..
To the unitiated Pricks like your husband, Anal sex is especially dangerous. It is not a biologically natural act and - although can be highly pleasurable with mutually consenting partners ( and lots of prep')
the anus is not naturally designed to accommodate 'objects' including Cocks.. and their Penises Get rid!

LTB.
He’s sexually abusive OP, I have never done anal and do no wish to, my DP would never pressure me or guilt trip me into doing anything I didn’t want to do. He sounds like a porn addict who has been watching too much violent porn. Sex should be fun and enjoyable, you should feel comfortable with your partner and safe. He is the one in the wrong. You deserve so much better

Classic abuser stuff. Read the books on it and make plans to leave whether children are young or not.

He won’t change and is bullying and controlling.

oops sorry wrong thread, please ignore.