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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
phoneybaloney · 18/04/2022 12:38

Sweet Jesus!!

He's awful. You do realise he's abusive? That you're in an abusive relationship? Emotional, sexual, controlling/coercive.

Please go and get some contraception. Either a jab or an implant or IUD. Something you can have put in and forget about and he won't know about. You don't need his permission! I'd not trust him on that front. Not that he'd be getting anywhere near me anyway but it's a good idea for now.

You are NOT a bad partner or lover. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, or even do anything at all if you don't feel up to it!

cavalatete · 18/04/2022 12:39

I'm sorry OP but I wanted to add to the chorus here because I don't want you to believe for one second that this is ok.

Everything you've said about what you annoy/don't enjoy falls into to completely normal range. Every reaction you have, how you feel too, all normal.

Equally his behaviour is 100% abusive. Nothing he does is ok. And the question about whether his behaviour is normal is wrong. Because even if every man behaves like this (making it normal), it would still be abusive.

Please, please get contraception ASAP.

He does not get to control your body.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 12:39

That's vile behaviour. Being angry because your partner doesn't want to do something sexual is the very definition of coercion and abuse.

Most women do not in fact do it. And there's nothing wrong with you that you find it painful - it very much can be!

He sounds abusive with the coercion, anger, abusive language, putting you down and complaining about condoms while also forcing you not to be on contraception. and I'd ask him to leave. He's not respecting your boundaries or body.

TimeToResign · 18/04/2022 12:42

Get the hell out of this and look after yourself. What absolute scum.

BlueOverYellow · 18/04/2022 12:42

Please call Women's Aid and get help getting out of there. He is sexually abusive and horrible.

You deserve so much more. Would you encourage one of your children to stay in a relationship with a man who treats them like this? Don't model the same.

speakout · 18/04/2022 12:42

OP please call womans' aid.

You are being abused.

Twixie2022 · 18/04/2022 12:43

OP I’m so sorry. Your partner sounds horrific. There is nothing wrong with you at all and this is abuse. Please take the advice from the comments and get away from this disgusting man.

AfraidToRun · 18/04/2022 12:44

No it's not normal.

Once a partner very accidentally (definitely accidentally) was too close for comfort in that regard. I jumped and pushed him away because I didn't feel safe. He immediately apologised and held me. I don't give blow jobs, find them degrading, he never complained. He never accidentally on purpose tried to pop his cock in my mouth or told me all women do it etc etc. Your body is a gift, if the person you provide access for isn't unbelievably grateful for that then find a new one.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/04/2022 12:44

No it is not normal at all, any of it.

By the way, I am older than you. When I was young no one was ever expected to ‘have anal’ sex. It has all come from porn.

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 12:44

Pornography has normalised this. It is awful. According to a Telegraph article I read some time ago there are young girls going to their GPs with prolapses and fissures (therefore presumably boys too). Do not participate in this (never safe) abuse of yourself and womanhood.

Minniem2020 · 18/04/2022 12:44

Oh my god op I could actually cry for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Your partners behaviour is 100% not normal, no one should ever be treated the way he's treating you. Please get out

WallaceinAnderland · 18/04/2022 12:45

This is sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse. You need to separate. Your confidence will begin to return once he is out of your life. You can do this. Make the choice to be happy.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 12:45

And of course your confidence is gone - that's what abusers do! They make you think you're nothing and worthless and it's all your fault because they know that's how they keep you under control.

It's a tactic and it's intentional. He's doing it on purpose to you. He's purposefully wearing down the mother of his childrens confidence and self worth... all so he can get anal.

What a disgusting man.

SallyWD · 18/04/2022 12:45

Horrific OP. My partner would love to have anal but it's not for me so he respects my decision. My decision what happens to my body. Your partner sounds vile.

Northbynorthbreast · 18/04/2022 12:45

He sounds disgusting. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

alsonotmyname · 18/04/2022 12:46

Like others have said op he's abusive
I don't like anal, we tried it, I said I didn't like it and it wasn't mentioned again.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 12:46

and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.

Why doesn’t he want you on contraception?
He doesn’t get to make that choice.
This is the biggest red flag for me.

He sounds like an absolute dick and I don’t know how you can bare to be with him let alone have sex with him.

If you are planning to stay with him (although I don’t think you should) then you really need to communicate more before you have sex.

I am pretty adventurous when it comes to sex but anal is something I do not do. And I would not put up with someone trying.

If you don’t want to do something he wants that’s absolutely fine but then it’s also fine for him to not do things that you like.

If either of you are uncomfortable doing something and you’re only doing it for the other persons pleasure, then you absolutely should not be doing it.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/04/2022 12:46

This is so abusive. Please leave. Now.

iknowthismuchis · 18/04/2022 12:46

Oh love, I suspect he not kind to you in other ways too right? You've done nothing wrong

Fulmine · 18/04/2022 12:47

This certainly is not your fault. The fact that your partner is angry with you for not being prepared to undergo significant pain to accommodate his sexual pleasure speaks volumes about him.

When he says that every women does anal he is, quite simply, wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 12:47

Op, your husband could actually go to prison over the abuse he's inflicting upon you. It's a crime what he's doing. Please call Women's Aid immediately. You need all of the help you can find.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/04/2022 12:47

And I would never, ever do anal. Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.

Blossomtoes · 18/04/2022 12:49

Sorry @yogibear0, you’re in an abusive relationship - in more senses than sexual. I very rarely recommend LTB but I really think you need to plan your escape route.

ldontWanna · 18/04/2022 12:51

You are a normal, loving, pretty selfless to the point it's harmful (going along with things you don't like) sex partner.

He is a selfish, controlling,abusive cunt.

You are better than this. You deserve better than this. You don't have to put up with it and you don't deserve this. No one does.

What are your finances like? What is your set up? Give women's aid a call when he's out of the house. You need help, even if at the moment it's just a sympathetic listening ear and some advice.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 12:51

I don't give blow jobs, find them degrading, he never complained. He never accidentally on purpose tried to pop his cock in my mouth or told me all women do it etc etc. Your body is a gift, if the person you provide access for isn't unbelievably grateful for that then find a new one.

Absolutely this!

I know many people who don’t do oral sex both men and women.

Some women choose to kiss their partners in other areas or even spit on their partners penis to lubricate it when giving a hand job - the man still doesn’t try and put his penis in her mouth as he respects her enough to know she does not do this - if he did do this I’d say it’s actually SA.

I wonder if you turned it around and you wanted to give him anal sex with a strap on how he would feel.