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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 18/04/2022 13:20

First things first. Get to the gp or clinic and get on reliable contraception. Something like the depo shot is very reliable and he wouldn’t need to know. The last thing you want is to end up pregnant again to this arsehole.

After that please take the rest advice here and get yourself out you deserve so much better.

SisterRuth · 18/04/2022 13:22

He's a disgusting abuser. He's treating you like his property. See Women's Aid and a solicitor. This is NO life!

bakey9 · 18/04/2022 13:22

No, not every woman does anal, my first boyfriend tried this shit with me and I was too young and stupid and wanted to please him. I feel sick when I think back to this time. I would be making plans to leave and wouldn't let him touch me again.

whynotwhatknot · 18/04/2022 13:22

No not all women do it-i tried it once didnt like it that was the end of it

also he has no right to tell you not to use contraception its your body-he wants you chained to the kitchen sink with a hoard of kids and trapped by the sounds of it

gamerchick · 18/04/2022 13:24

Don't even need to read the thread to know what it says. Raise the bar a bit and tell him to get lost.

maducks · 18/04/2022 13:25

My exh used to be like this, in the end he raped me anally and I ended up injured and in pain for months and he ended up in jail.

He's being sexually abusive and you shouldn't have to put up with this. I have never say this before but leave the bastard

I'm so sorry Thanks

PearPickingPorky · 18/04/2022 13:25

@yogibear0

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day. But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it. For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined. Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one. I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms. I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?
This is abusive and sexually coercive behaviour.

When did sex stop being about both partners' mutual pleasure, rather than something degrading and painful women need to endure so their husband can get off on his abuse?

He's terrible at sex. He's treating you abysmally. If my DH had said those things about my body, "do you think I like being round there?", it would be the last time he'd ever be round there again. You won't enjoy sex if you feel your body is being harshly judged or you're being criticised for your "performance"/tolerance his abuse.

He's completely lost sight of what sex is meant to be about.

Ps, no, not every woman is having anal sex. I can't think of anything worse. Few women actually enjoy it, because women do not have a prostate to stimulate. You are entirely normal in not loving it.

FrancescaContini · 18/04/2022 13:26

In addition to my previous post: it’s totally irrelevant what other women choose to do or not do, sexually.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/04/2022 13:26

You need to get a divorce. This is vile.

Planesmistakenforstars · 18/04/2022 13:27

I'm so sorry OP. He is sexually abusing you. This is one of the most awful situations I've read on here. Please, please contact Women's Aid and get out of this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

pinkyredrose · 18/04/2022 13:27

He's very abusive. How old were you both when you got together? What your housing situation, in your name/joint names?

Gizacluethen · 18/04/2022 13:28

I think you should go get the contraceptive injection, he wouldn't even know you'd had it and it covers you for 6 months. You need to take control of your contraception. I absolutely agree with others that he's trying to trap you.

No all women don't like anal, not at all. And I imagine he's not exactly taking it slow with plenty of lube to make it easy on you either so maybe you would like anal if he wasn't so shit at it.

No one should ever try to get you to do sexual things you don't want to do, no one should try to do something you have already said you don't want to do.

Dealwithit · 18/04/2022 13:28

@HerbertChops

No I don’t experience any of that with my partner. Your partner is being coercive and abusive. The ‘other women love it’ is rubbish, I don’t like anal. Tried it 20 years ago with current partner and it wasn’t for me, he’s never pressured me for it since, never even mentioned it. We find things we both like. Please consider speaking to womens aid or find some individual counselling to help you see your partner for what he is.
This.

He is abusive and pressuring you.

  1. Sort out the pill tomorrow - he doesn’t control your contraceptive or tell you what you can and can’t do
  2. Speak to the police and womens aid this is a coercive and abusive relationship

I hate Anal and I don’t know a single one of my friends that does. It’s not designed for sex.

Give him on the sofa and away from you whilst you sort a solicitor.

My skin is crawling.

Gizacluethen · 18/04/2022 13:29

And even IF you were the only woman in the entire world that didn't want to do anal. It doesn't matter. You don't want to do it. And that's entirely your right. And that's not wrong.

2bazookas · 18/04/2022 13:30

"Every woman does anal", my arse :-(

Try telling him "every gay man does anal ".

He's been watching so much porn he's forgotten those professional arseholes are actors paid to follow a script.

Seraphinesupport · 18/04/2022 13:31

literally sexual abuse. is anal so important to him that he doesnt mind ruining his relationship over it? he needs to get over this fantasy and keep it as a fantasy. i would never do anal. im not into pain.

Gowithme · 18/04/2022 13:32

Tried it, didn't like it, never done it since. It's all abusive and controlling behaviour OP, you need to leave.

opalescent · 18/04/2022 13:33

He sounds like an absolute bastard OP, I am so sorry that you are being treated in this way ☹️. As a previous poster has said, please reach out to womenswear aid or a local DV charity for support. Please consider leaving this relationship 💐

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 13:35

While I think this man is absolutely prioritising his porno fantasies and is exhibiting coercive and disgusting attitudes and behaviours, I'm not sure that an immediate 'leave the abusive git' is the best reaction, though I would be careful about his attitudes to yourself longterm. This is certainly something that needs dealing with in your marriage

The fact is is that our pornographic culture has normalised and encouraged this behaviour in men and has implied that women find it desirable - quite often the fantasies do not match the reality. We're really unable to talk about how much this is actually affecting women and young girls because of various other cultural constraints which may offend other demographics. The fact is is that your body is in no way designed to do this and therefore there is no healthy way to do it. You are absolutely right to reject it for your body. The idea of being 'crap in bed' shames women for their usually natural protective instincts about their body and makes them believe they have to provide an explicit show. Being good in bed is not about allowing men to do all sorts of foul and pornographic things to you. Really good sex comes from a place of love, trust and mutual enjoyment. That's not the same as him getting his rocks off because he's got a porn-addled mind.

Even the 'consent' thing is bogus because so many women feel that they 'should' or that it's normal when it's not - so they are not really informed enough. They too have been exposed to pornography on a scale that renders the idea of consent absurd as there's no real questioning of the things women are being expected to do. The idea is if everyone is aroused then everyone's happy and that's not the reality of it.

You should see him as having had his mind corrupted tbh and that is what needs dealing with. His perceptions of you, sex and his entitlement to your body need addressing. If he can do that then you might be able to salvage things. If not I'm afraid sometimes these sexual issues can get worse with age not better.

Momijin · 18/04/2022 13:35

He sounds abusive. I don't enjoy anal and have never been pressured by anyone. I also don't particularly understand why men would want to go there either and I wouldn't touch someone's arsehole. But fine if both people like it.

FabFitFifties · 18/04/2022 13:37

"whatever confidence I had is definitely now gone". That was his aim. Get him out. Tell him, you are setting him free to find someone who enjoys anal sex - suggest gay dating sites will be his best bet,and wish him luck.

BellePeppa · 18/04/2022 13:37

Urgh, he’s a monster. I know I defend some of the men on here but he truly is vile. I could not spend another second with such an abusive person,

opalescent · 18/04/2022 13:39

@apricotlane

While I think this man is absolutely prioritising his porno fantasies and is exhibiting coercive and disgusting attitudes and behaviours, I'm not sure that an immediate 'leave the abusive git' is the best reaction, though I would be careful about his attitudes to yourself longterm. This is certainly something that needs dealing with in your marriage

The fact is is that our pornographic culture has normalised and encouraged this behaviour in men and has implied that women find it desirable - quite often the fantasies do not match the reality. We're really unable to talk about how much this is actually affecting women and young girls because of various other cultural constraints which may offend other demographics. The fact is is that your body is in no way designed to do this and therefore there is no healthy way to do it. You are absolutely right to reject it for your body. The idea of being 'crap in bed' shames women for their usually natural protective instincts about their body and makes them believe they have to provide an explicit show. Being good in bed is not about allowing men to do all sorts of foul and pornographic things to you. Really good sex comes from a place of love, trust and mutual enjoyment. That's not the same as him getting his rocks off because he's got a porn-addled mind.

Even the 'consent' thing is bogus because so many women feel that they 'should' or that it's normal when it's not - so they are not really informed enough. They too have been exposed to pornography on a scale that renders the idea of consent absurd as there's no real questioning of the things women are being expected to do. The idea is if everyone is aroused then everyone's happy and that's not the reality of it.

You should see him as having had his mind corrupted tbh and that is what needs dealing with. His perceptions of you, sex and his entitlement to your body need addressing. If he can do that then you might be able to salvage things. If not I'm afraid sometimes these sexual issues can get worse with age not better.

Whilst I agree that we are dealing with a tidal wave of violent and degrading porn (and its effect on the sexual ideology of men)- none of that explains or excuses the cruelty and contempt with which OPs husband has spoken to her. Words designed to humiliate, body shaming, and a sense of entitlement to her body.
stripeyflowers · 18/04/2022 13:40

Find your anger. OP.

How dare any man treat you like this, never mind the very one that is supposed to love and respect you. Instead he wants you to just shut up and let him use you as a sex toy in any way he chooses. You could get more kindness from a random stranger on the street. I don't have words for how despicable this is.

SunshineCake1 · 18/04/2022 13:42

Not every woman does it.

Tough he doesn't want you on contraception. That is not for him to dictate. Why are you letting him?

He wants you pregnant again as then it will be harder to leave. Prove him wrong. You are a mum and that makes you strong. Get him out. Claim your body back for yourself. He only gets to share it when you say so. Never say so again.

This would be over for me.