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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner degraded me after sex

388 replies

yogibear0 · 18/04/2022 11:50

We've been together a long time and have 2 small children. Dh is always complaining I never make time for him anymore sexually etc and to be honest it's because I'm drained and emotionally exhausted being a sahm with 2 young kids and feel like I've lost myself a bit. I always loved having sex but now a days once bed time comes round I just want to sleep and recharge for the next day.
But ive been trying very hard to give him more sex and spice things up... The thing is he keeps intiating anal and we tried it on a few occasions I found it both uncomfortable and painful and couldn't relax to enjoy it. He on the other hand wants to do it and is getting very angry with me about it.
For instance last night things were going great I was really enjoying what we were getting up to until he tried to put it in there. I tried to go along with it just for the fact that I knew he wanted to but it was so painful so I asked him if we could leave the anal side of things. He immediately got into a strop and said some pretty hurtful things to me. I felt a bit degraded tbh and really embarrassed. I do like to be touched there etc so the comment he said last night threw me a bit. He said "do you think I enjoy being round your asshole I'm only doing it cause I want anal. If I knew I wasn't getting anal do you think I'd bother touching you there. Even though he's told me on numerous times before he loves pleasuring me etc. He basically made some other comments that every woman does it and that there's something wrong that I don't like it. I feel so embarrassed and put down. Then after all he said to me I got up and put my clothes back on. I felt really disgusted. He decided to sleep on the sofa and is now giving me the silent treatment. He also had the cheek to ask me for a hand job after everything he said to me which I declined.
Hes complaining all the time about having to wear a condom as I don't want any more kids just yet. He complains telling me "as long as I'm happy" and that he's not getting any enjoyment wearing a condom. He puts it on me like it's my fault. A few times now he's tried to intitate going at it without a condom and as soon as I say I'm not ready for that yet he just goes off on one.
I feel like I'm a really shitty love maker now. I'm really not prepared for anymore kids yet and he doesn't want me on any contraceptive so I depend on the condoms.
I try my best to explain to him I'm uncomfortable with anal and I'm uncomfortable having unprotected sex and I'm just made to feel like I'm a absolute kill joy. Is this normal, does anyone else experience any of this with their partner?

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 19/04/2022 10:06

Sex should be a two way street, we have tried anal but DH is too big and it hurts, so as much as he would like to he hasn't gone there as he isn't into hurting me.

If he thought he was hurting me in anyway, he would lose his errection, he is all about making sure I'm happy.

This is the norm

Your DH is a stroppy abuser, he thinks only of himself and his needs. I would seriously consider leaving him.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/04/2022 10:10

@Step1234

*Tmi but next time he pressures you just shit on his dick. Tell him oops but that's what your arse is actually for...*

This is one of the stupidest responses I've ever read on here and I've been here a long time. This woman is being abused in pretty much every way and you think think it's appropriate to post this?

Yeah that's grim. I think we can all imagine what this excuse for a human being would do to the OP if she did that. I genuinely fear for her.
Redruby2020 · 19/04/2022 10:26

@Step1234

*Tmi but next time he pressures you just shit on his dick. Tell him oops but that's what your arse is actually for...*

This is one of the stupidest responses I've ever read on here and I've been here a long time. This woman is being abused in pretty much every way and you think think it's appropriate to post this?

Yes I agree, I don't know why people think it is possible to just stand up to a man like that, who is abusing his partner.
user1471538283 · 19/04/2022 10:37

He wants to degrade you and make you pregnant so you are stuck.

It is abuse. I would leave.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/04/2022 10:53

Oh my god this is awful for you. I'm so so sorry but echoing everyone else - this man is an abusive arse.

Chooksnroses · 19/04/2022 11:26

As an old woman who hasn't had anal sex but who does understand some of the physical problems that come with old age, I'm concerned about the incontinence problems some women might experience in the future.

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2022 11:33

@Chooksnroses

As an old woman who hasn't had anal sex but who does understand some of the physical problems that come with old age, I'm concerned about the incontinence problems some women might experience in the future.
Apparently some very young women are already suffering from them. And fissures. I find the whole thing very sad.
DrSnooze · 19/04/2022 14:42

OP this is one of the worst things I have read in a while, especially given your update. Please leave before he tries to trap you with another baby. You can have happiness and peace of mind away from him. He clearly thinks a woman's body is his possession to be controlled by him. I hope you have friends in RL who can support you to get your own support/make the calls you need to make.

Mischance · 19/04/2022 16:01

The really positive thing here is that you realise that your relationship is not normal, you recognise that it is not a healthy place to bring up your children and you have thought through how you would be better off without him.

All that needs to happen now is that you get the right advice and practical support to make the move. Sorry if you have said before, but do you have any family or friends who might be able to support you during this? Women's Aid are the go-to organisation - you can email them on [email protected] using the same device as you are using to access Mumsnet.

I send you every good wish.

SuzyQ12 · 19/04/2022 17:24

OP, I'm so glad you said 'when I get out of here'. Make everything you do a step towards this aim.

EarthSight · 19/04/2022 18:48

You know what you need to do OP. You just need practical steps to get there.

He doesn't specifically tell me I can't do something, go somewhere, meet someone but theres always consequences when I do that I now naturally no not to do it

It's not nice to be around a sulking person, nor someone who interrogates you, nor someone you know is suspicious about absolutely everything you do.

Shame is a powerful thing and he is using it against you. Plenty of men don't care about anal sex. A lot, it not most women don't like it or aren't bothered.

I don't think you should be sharing a bed with him. Please get help ASAP.

UrslaB · 20/04/2022 20:56

This is abusive and the behaviour of a rapist. If you don't consent to anal and he is trying to go there, it is attempted rape and rape. Simple as. It doesn't matter if you enjoy anal play or have done it before, if you don't give him permission and have said no then he is the one who is in the wrong when he attepmts it or tries to pressure you.

You are questioning your ability as a love maker? There doesn't sound like any love involved here. He is treating you like a sex doll and an object. He is the one who is useless in bed since he fails to understand that good sex is pleasurable for both parties and takes into account the needs and wants of both people equally. He is gaslighting you and using abusive, negative laguage to attack your self esteem.

Most worryingly you say that he doesn't want you on any other form of contraception....why? That is cohersive and controlling. What business of his is it? It is your body! If you don't want more kids right now and you want to take steps to prevent that then that is your choice and your right. Speak to your GP ASAP about an IUD or Naxplanon, the matchstick in your arm. These are contraceptives that are in your body and unlike the pill he can't mess with or take it away.

He sounds like a a selfish, sexist pig with no concept of boundaries or the fact that you are an independent person.

He insults you and sulks like a child when he doesn't get his own way. That is the very definition of unappealing in any way shape or form, never mind how abusive it is. What sort of self absorbed man child is he?

Every woman likes anal?
LIE!
Porn is not real life. The idiot. Anal when not done properly (think the anal snails mantra: safe, communicate, slow and lubed)is painful and can even be outright physically damaging. Even when it is done properly some women do not find any pleasure in it...at all. Some occassionally find pleasure if in the 'right' mental place and properly aroused. Even if you did find pleasure in it, its not a blanket fact that you will always find it pleasant, and his assumptions otherwise prove he is a dull witted and ignorant fool.

Please ditch this man. Contact family or womens aid. You can do better and be much safer away from this misoginistic abuser.

RandomMess · 20/04/2022 21:53

Flowers I hope you get to speak to woman's aid and escape soon

Bednobsbroomsticks · 23/04/2022 07:34

You are being sexuaĺy abused . Also quite worrying the women who say I have anal as husband enjoys it but it's painful.
I have a friend who's husband is always trying to get it in anaĺly. She hates it my husband would be out the door before he had time to put his trousers on.

layladomino · 23/04/2022 08:11

I'm so sorry you're in this situaion, but (although painful for you) it's great news that you can now see it for what it is. You can now take steps towards getting yourself and your children out of this horrific situation.

This man shows you no love or respect or care. He sulks, manipulates, accuses, guilt-trips, lies, gas-lights.

That fear you have of leaving him? It's a false fear. Your life will be so much easier without him in it. It will be so much less complicated. So much happier. Free-er. Imagine a home with just you and DC's, calm and loving and cosy. No sulky shouting selfish demanding abusive man-child spoiling your life.

And your children will see that the right thing to do, when someone treats you badly is to leave. They will be inspired by you.

Life on the other side will be 1000 times easier, not harder.

bozzabollix · 23/04/2022 17:39

I read your last update and feel so very sad for you.

it’s very easy to say leave but you must feel utterly beaten down by all of this, this abuse erodes a person until the unacceptable becomes acceptable and there’s doubt where there was once certainty.

I was in a very different position as a teen but the control matches my first boyfriend. It got to the point where I just wanted him dead. Each time I tried to break up he’d attempt suicide, by my last break up chat I said I was quite happy for him to go off and die, it’d got that bad. He was seen chatting up another girl about a week later. Since then my boundaries are pretty high and I’ve got a lovely husband who I met shortly after who’d never think to treat me badly. This could be your future too but you need to seek support and then leave.

A previous poster mentioned her ex friend was in a similar relationship but if she was to seek help she’d be there in a shot. Is there anyone you were close to before this relationship you could reach out to? Any family? I bet they are waiting and wishing for you to be free of this man.

As the others have said professional help should be sought out too.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

As an aside, my shitty ex is working in a hideous low paid horrible job which I know he’d hate locally, I happened upon him and he looked dreadful. My life is no doubt bloody wonderful in comparison, he probably saw the car he could never afford that I got out of and he will have hated it, he thought I deserved nothing. Revenge can be bloody brilliant. You’ll get yours. It might take twenty years but you will!

Allinmyhead101 · 26/04/2022 16:50

How are you doing, OP? Hope you're ok x

prettyteapotsplease · 26/04/2022 16:59

Must you put up with this abuser? Because that is what he is yogi and I hope you find the wherewithal to get out of this 'relationship'? If he believes and spouts this nonsense then I guess he's been influenced by porn.

Femalewoman · 26/04/2022 17:48

At best he's a horrible man and at worst he's abusive to you.

Get help and get out. You deserve better than this wanker.

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 18:04

@Chooksnroses

As an old woman who hasn't had anal sex but who does understand some of the physical problems that come with old age, I'm concerned about the incontinence problems some women might experience in the future.

Apparently, this one is a myth. It reminds me of a story I read that was circulating on the internet, about how gay men were having to use tampons because of incontinence. The whole thing, apparently, was just homophobic nonsense, and there is no evidence of widespread incontinence among receiving gay men.

ldontWanna · 26/04/2022 19:54

@greasyshoes

•	Women and men who practice anal intercourse have higher rates of fecal incontinence.
•	Men who practiced anal intercourse had higher odds of having fecal incontinence than women.
•	Assessment of sexual behaviors may be important consideration among adults with fecal incontinence.

www.uab.edu/news/people/item/6969-anal-sex-linked-to-increased-risk-of-incontinence-in-both-males-females

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28248849/

Thedogscollar · 26/04/2022 23:28

This is utterly horrific to read.
You are being abused on so many levels.
You must seek help from Womens refuge. Please do not delay as I fear for your safety and your children's.
This man is evil.

Georgiapeach24 · 23/07/2023 06:59

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Epidote · 23/07/2023 07:08

I couldn't finish to read it. He is one of them isn't he?

If you don't like to do it just don't do it. If he sulks get angry etc is he acting like a entitled twat.

He is not nice to you, I think you are going trough more that just the sexual situation. I think you are that tired because he does nothing to help you around the house and kids and also his attitude of "you own me" is dragging you down.

No easy solution because I don't think he is going to respect nor understands your feelings etc.

Lots of strength to courage for you.

supersop60 · 23/07/2023 07:27

@Georgiapeach24 reported

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