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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2022 10:14

@Terven

In think it is the weight. If he’s fit himself he’s likely to value the same in his partner. Speaking from my own experience being the overweight partner. If this is the case, it’s hard but also something that you can work on.
Sorry, what? 😳

Who should 'work on it' - the OP?

And anyway, she put on some weight a while ago, she says, and her DP was still interested in sex. His disinterest has come more recently than that.

Lonelyisland · 18/04/2022 10:14

*cant change him. Thats meant to say. But you can change your situation

88sausagefactory88 · 18/04/2022 10:16

I had this, a ‘lovely’ dp and relationship but the sex slowly disappeared. We spilt up and subsequently my ex cannot keep a long term relationship, he needs to have sex with new people.

Thank god I didn’t stick about to find this out!

Put yourself first, be kind to him but you need to spilt up for your own sanity.

Blue4YOU · 18/04/2022 10:21

I’ll never understand why a real issue in someone’s life gets turned into a “if a man said this”/men don’t always want sex/imagine if/ might be depressed/you might not always want sex comments section.
Everyone knows things change: feelings for people, libido etc.
Not everyone makes weird comments though - as the OP’s OH did. That’s what her post is about in the main, not about how much men want to have sex.

LampLighter414 · 18/04/2022 10:21

You are still young and in a worst case will find another guy who will shag you regularly and want to make babies with you

Life is too short to stay with someone with mismatched libidos. Unless there is a genuine medical reason that is treatable, they won't change, they're just not that interested in sex anymore.

Hont1986 · 18/04/2022 10:24

Are you prepared for him to raise issues on your side that need correcting? It feels like this thread has prepared you to 'confront' him about his shortcomings. But if he turns round and says 'the weight gain is an issue' or 'I have to do all the work during sex' or whatever else, are you prepared to change yourself to save the relationship?

newbiename · 18/04/2022 10:24

@maddy68

He is allowed to say no!

So many reasons why.
Tired
CBA
Needs more of a build up.
Needs to be the Instigator
Feeling depressed /anxious

OP has acknowledged that. It was his response and the fact he never wants sex , not just this one off.
Nidan2Sandan · 18/04/2022 10:24

Not having sex is one thing, but laughing when you "put the moves" on him is hurtful. I know my DH used to feel rejected by me when he would make the moves and I would say no, and it broke my heart to know he felt that way. But, for me it was different. We had 3 really young (4yo & under) kids, I was exhausted and was having health issues, so I wasnt rejecting him for shits and giggles you know.

We are older now, have talked and worked our way through it and ill health still means our sex life is minimal, but the love we have for each other makes up for that and when we do have sex it is amazing.

Talk to him, you need to find a middle ground. Your relationship sounds really lovely in all other ways, I really hope you can work this out. Smile

Nnique · 18/04/2022 10:26

@Blue4YOU yes that us very true. That comment, at least from how it sounds on ‘paper’ was full of contempt. That’s not the basis of a loving, happy relationship. I think there are real issues under the surface, and I don’t think OP should settle for a relationship that is no longer right. Having said in my previous comment that perhaps OP could hang on and see what happens on their travels, I’ve got to say that my instinct is that it really would be best to end it now.

Bluebluemoon · 18/04/2022 10:30

God, life's too short for this.

Get rid.

Fluffywabbits · 18/04/2022 10:32

I was just talking about the couple of glasses of wine I’d had tonight and I said wine always puts me in the mood and you looked really amazing in those shorts today, shall we get an early night

Could your DP have taken from the above @JJJJETS that you need wine to want to have sex with him and that's what has sparked the reaction he had on this occasion?

Appreciate there are likely deeper issues but just wondering if its a miscommunication?

Lilacs394 · 18/04/2022 10:37

Hi OP. Just here to support as I'm in a very similar situation myself and could have written this! I wanted you to know that you're not alone and that your feelings are completely understandable. My partner and I are similar ages, have been together the same amount of time etc. I'm sorry you're in this position and can only send virtual hugs and support as I know how difficult and conflicting this situation can be xx

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/04/2022 10:39

I couldn't be in a sexless relationship. I would end this, you are so young.

TurquoiseSwirl · 18/04/2022 10:46

Good luck for the chat. I think telling him everything you’ve said about how great the relationship is apart from this will help you come to a decision based on his reaction

Flyinggeese1234 · 18/04/2022 10:52

@Fluffywabbits

I was just talking about the couple of glasses of wine I’d had tonight and I said wine always puts me in the mood and you looked really amazing in those shorts today, shall we get an early night

Could your DP have taken from the above @JJJJETS that you need wine to want to have sex with him and that's what has sparked the reaction he had on this occasion?

Appreciate there are likely deeper issues but just wondering if its a miscommunication?

I was just about to post something along these lines. It would not be a turn on for me if my partner said he wanted me as wine had put him in the mood!

If this is the only time he has actually said no (he could have phrased it better!) then maybe this is one possible reason.

Badger1970 · 18/04/2022 11:08

You're far too young to write off a sex life.

I'm 51, and our marriage has been sexless for 10 years or so due to DH's health issues. Before that, he chose porn over me.

It's wrecked my self esteem, and I feel deeply unattractive and unlovable as a result.

Please don't make this choice Flowers

Anon8769 · 18/04/2022 11:10

NC for this for obvious reasons but when my partner and I were having some issues with this we took MDMA to talk about it, and our sex life has been great ever since. That was different, as it was early on in the relationship and it turned out we were both getting over some hang ups from previous abuse that was messing up our communication. But it’s been six years now and the sex is still great.

I wouldn’t normally suggest this but if the relationship is doomed anyway and otherwise worth saving it might be worth a shot. You’d have to both be prepared for uncomfortable truths to come out.

Puffalicious · 18/04/2022 11:13

@Anon8769

NC for this for obvious reasons but when my partner and I were having some issues with this we took MDMA to talk about it, and our sex life has been great ever since. That was different, as it was early on in the relationship and it turned out we were both getting over some hang ups from previous abuse that was messing up our communication. But it’s been six years now and the sex is still great.

I wouldn’t normally suggest this but if the relationship is doomed anyway and otherwise worth saving it might be worth a shot. You’d have to both be prepared for uncomfortable truths to come out.

A really un- Mumsnet response, but one which I totally respect and see working for some. Good for you for thinking outside the box Anon
Tulipsandviolets · 18/04/2022 11:16

If your relationship is lovely in every other way..discuss it with him and maybe seek therapy. Seems a shame to throw it all away over something that maybe resolved. Sex isn't everything

Ballcactus · 18/04/2022 11:23

Check out the sex doctor- Dr Karen Gurney- she has loads of advice & info about mismatched desire and how to save it if everyone wants to

Rewis · 18/04/2022 11:23

I've been in this situation with my bf. We are now sex 2-3 times a week. I shared to him how him rejecting me was affecting my self esteem and how it is ok to say no but he should say no instead if reject in a weird awkward way. He then on the other hand revealed that he has ED and its unrelated to me. He had done some research and what was causing it and refused to see a doctor because of a past shitty experience. We talked about it and I asked if he had a plan on how we get back to having sex. He looked up some natural remedies and eventually did see a gp (again a bad experience). Talking about it helped him a lot and knowing that he doesn't need to be able to perform made him more confident (I explained that saying that it's not working atm and offering to do other stuff is a lot better than shutting down). In return I wouldn't initiate too strongly. And it has helped. It took several talks to get to that point.

You dont have to settle for a sexless relationship but if you still want to be together I'd have an open conversation but he also needs to do the work if he wants to fix it.

Openheart123 · 18/04/2022 11:38

OP I really hope things are OK today with you and DP. I'd counter other posts and say, a 5 year relationship with someone who you get along well with and who loves you is so so so PRECIOUS. Please don't throw it away over a sex issue!!! Lots of people have issues with sex and it can take a long time to sort them out, but it will happen if you are patient and address it gently but deliberately. It can be really embarrassing and confronting to talk about sexual issues as there often connected to a lot of other personal vulnerabilities. It takes time and you have to feel safe (ie not like you're about to be dumped if you don't get over it straight away!)
He isn't rejecting you because he doesn't find you attractive, or any other simple reason. Clearly something is going on for him but it may take time to work it out. Try to be patient with DP and make your goal to really understand what's going on, not to get sex. It's obvious he really hurt your feelings by rejecting sex but try not to see it as a rejection of you... it isn't. Try to talk to him without getting angry or blaming him, so he knows you're really listening. Hopefully he'll open up soon.

slashlover · 18/04/2022 11:47

There isn’t anything I feel like I can’t talk about with him except for this. I had an issue with my pelvis which caused bleeding and pain for a while and that obviously put a stop to things for a bit but it was all rectified. The last time we spoke about the lack of sex he said he was scared of hurting me, I assured him that I was no longer in pain and it was fine. But I also feel like that was just an excuse really, a good way to get an out.

Why are you so dismissive of this?

Could you take sex off of the table completely for a while and instead focus on non-penetration?

TinaTurtle · 18/04/2022 12:09

Talking, counselling, medication. Not necessarily in that order, and solo counselling to start with. Working wonders for us.

Please consider this OP. Wishing you all the best Thanks

Peachypear10 · 18/04/2022 12:21

I think people have unrealistic expectations of sex. Sex is important. It's also overhyped and we're conditioned to believe that in a good relationship we're meant to be having mind-blowing sex several nights a week for the rest of our lives.

This just isn't realistic. Libido changes. Life changes. This isnt a reflection of your attractiveness. I think a lot of women are surprised when men, who are portrayed as wanting sex 24/7, start to become less interested, or have lower sex drives. They assume men easily just switch on, on demand. So when this isn't the case, a lot of women conclude it must be something wrong with them. Many men I've known do not have ravenous sex drives, unlike the stereotypes. (But yes, many do too).

If you really do need a man with a higher sex drive to be happy though, you've tried discussing your concerns with him, and still you're unsatisfied, you should consider moving on.