Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

[JJJJETS]

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

@Benjispruce4 if this post were reversed and the OP was a young 29 year old beauty man with no kids my advice to him would be EXACTLY the same.

Yes I'd be really hurt. He was talking to you like you shouldn't have come onto him, "I don't know what to say to that", yes of course he knows what to say.
I think that's what someone would say if they weren't in a relationship would say? Like someone has come onto you & they're your friend & not a partner if that makes sense.

You never know he might apologise & agree that the sex isn't working & work together to help that side of the relationship.
But I'd say it's unusual, you aren't old people who have been together for decades, the sex should still be very much a part of the relationship. Me & dh have been together for over 20 years & we definitely still have sex more than once a month. You deserve more than this OP but I'm sorry you're going through this.

*29 year old healthy man

Not sure what a “beauty man” is 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is allowed to say no!

So many reasons why.
Tired
CBA
Needs more of a build up.
Needs to be the Instigator
Feeling depressed /anxious

@JJJJETS

Thanks everyone, I’ll speak to him tonight after work.

On the affair front, I can’t see it but of course I’m not naive enough in any way, shape or form to say 100% no. BUT he works in a job with set holiday leave (due to the industry) so couldn’t take days off without me knowing as it is a set calendar of annual leave weeks, he comes home at the same time every night, never stays late, not secretive with his phone, only goes out with the lads once every few weeks. He plays football/runs a couple times a week but he plays football with my brother in law so of course if he wasn’t actually at training BIL would ask why (my sisters husband) and the running he’s out for half a hour once a week. So yeah, can never say 100%, people always find a way but I just don’t see how and when.

It could be a testosterone issue or he could just not fancy sex. Which if that’s the case then of course I can’t force him nor would I want to. A mutually enjoyable, healthy sex life is what I want, nothing else.

I do feel really sad today. I feel like tonight we’ll talk and nothing will
Improve or he’ll blow our lives apart with some revelation. And I’ll either sweep it under the carpet because I love him and love our life, destroy every ounce of self esteem I have left and eventually leave through pure resentment or we’ll split up. Both are terrifying, heart stopping prospects but I know which I’d rather

Hmm. Just to say again that rather than be in an all or nothing mindset about this conversation you're going to have, it might better to look on it as the start of a process? A process of communicating better and understanding each other and what is REALLY going on, better?
Something like this can't be fixed overnight. It's a process.

He is allowed to say no!

No one has said otherwise.

DH and I are currently sorting out our sex life and it’s working.

Very different circumstances, but it was brought to a head by a crisis like yours. We both wanted to stay together but our sex life was causing tension and resentment.

Talking, counselling, medication. Not necessarily in that order, and solo counselling to start with. Working wonders for us.

I'm sorry this is happening, OP. Like many others in this thread I take a balanced view - there's probably something causing low desire in him, and it's definitely not you. Sexuality is a complicated thing and it can wax and wane even with a partner you're otherwise into.

I think the two of you should see a therapist, preferably a sex therapist to explore your sex life in a non-threatening environment. Wishing you both better communication as he shouldn't be making you feel this uwanted.

Again, pregnancy/childbirth complications (some of which will be life changing and permanent) are another scenario in which it is possible to navigate without emotional hurt, because a good, kind decent person will understand that a) the woman has suffered a huge amount of trauma mentally and physically, and so care and protectiveness of them kicks in, and b) that it’s not a fundamental rejection by any means.

Of course it’s possible for people to stay together and be very happy together even when sex is not possible. But it’s much harder when there’s no explanation for it and where it represents a fundamental shift in the relationship and a resultant mismatch between the two parties, psychologically and physiologically.

@Xfan

She is 29. He is 32. They have no kids.

Your point is irrelevant.

And yes, some women don't return to sex after having childbirth injuries (tho hopefully they seek help as it is available), my comment reflected this - however, it's all completely aside from the actual situation the OP finds herself in.

"Both are terrifying, heart stopping prospects but I know which I’d rather"

Which would you rather tho?

Therapy/counselling can work if both parties want the relationship to work. But the individual has to want to go - and the lack of sex has to be a problem for him that he wants to solve, otherwise I don’t think it’s helpful or wise to be of the opinion that a low sex drive is a flaw that should be fixed like going to the dentist for a broken tooth. It’s perfectly okay not to want sex very often. Or ever.

Most 32 year old men do want sex unless there is something medically awray.
Most (but not all, but most) 32 year old men do not have low testosterone or ED.
Therefore if he is not showing any interest in you at all, but he is not addicted to porn or seeing another woman unbeknown to you, at the very least the door is wide open for him starting to find another outlet for sex in some way, shape or form. Sorry. You don't deserve that but it is true.

@JJJJETS

I feel so sad 😢 and so Embarrassed that I’m just unwanted in that way. When we met we had sex constantly and it was amazing. Not sure how we let it slide so much. Sometimes it feels like we’ll never have sex again. As in, sometimes I literally cannot imagine how it is going to happen. How bizarre is that?

I know it’s over. I know it is. Right this second I can’t reconcile that, everything else is perfect (well not perfect of course but we have a happy life) and I love him. A lot. So of course I’m not going to be able to make this massive life change in a split second. But in my heart I know

I had this exact same thing. I stayed because in the end I decided that I loved him more than that but tbh I was unhappy with it for a very long time. He had some health issues and when they got better it got better and actually now I am older my libido is lower which has probably helped us be more matched now as he has increased and I have decreased. I think it depends if it is a deal breaker for you. If you're like me you won't want to be asking and being rejected but also won't want someone having sex with you when youre not sure their heart is in it. It feels like you're coercing them even though you're not as its their choice but there's this feeling that they don't really want to and so you really are better either leaving or accepting their level of needs depending how important it is.

Hope things go well. It really does look as though there are very few options that will work out well ☹️

Talking, counselling, medication. Not necessarily in that order, and solo counselling to start with. Working wonders for us.

I would be so hesitant to recommend this.

They are both young, not yet married, no kids.

It is different if a couple are married and/or have children.

But for it to be so much hard work at this stage in their relationship - doesn't bode well for later, when other challenges present.

I feel OP's gut is strong on this one. For good reason. She can feel it's not there.

It's really sad, but the right thing to move on.

Poor you...what a horrible situation

On the plus side, you are young and have no children. You can leave and meet someone who is better suited to you.

Your dh will not change. You can talk about this issue for hours and hours...he will make a minimal effort for a while then give up. It's not you. It's him.

Hope the talk is productive tonight

Good luck op. I can feel your sadness through your posts and I hope this can be resolved. One thing that crossed my mind is could he be scared about getting you pregnant if he’s not ready for children? I know you said the “you next” comment was made to you when he wasn’t there but maybe friends are saying it to him as well.

Yes of course he's allowed to say no. But he didn't say that or give any kind of explanation, just awkwardly laughed and said 'I don't know what to say to that'

It wasn't a nice response. The OP deserves better.

I actually disagree with pps. I think its really dangerous to stick it out and pull the wool over your eyes about this when it has been a long standing problem, then go on this holiday and put the expectations of it revitalizing your sex life on it. You are then setting yourself up for failure and possible strain/pressure and major dissapointment which could all very possibly lead to an argument and ruin that experience for the both of you.

From someone else who also is undergoing sex life issues. If going out on dates/having nices days together isnt cutting it. Then nothing externally will. Its not an enviromental issue. its a dp issue. And you CANT change, but you can change your situation.

Dont just put up with this and have kids/marriage which will inevitably lock you into this. It will only get more depressing.

Is being with this person really worth losing yourself over?

You have a serious conversation to have. It'll be difficult and might well call the end of your relationship.
But you need to be loved and happy with the life you deserve. not a life you're tolerating.

Good luck for your future life.

So sorry OP

At 28, the lack of sex was the only indicator my marriage was over. Everything else was objectively fine. Lovely families, a big shared life. I’d married my best friend. Family and friends couldn’t understand when we divorced.

But there was a greater happiness to be had. It was less than a year before both of us had picked ourselves back up and started building a new (happier) future.

In think it is the weight. If he’s fit himself he’s likely to value the same in his partner. Speaking from my own experience being the overweight partner. If this is the case, it’s hard but also something that you can work on.

@Vijia

“Most men like to initiate and you will be emasculating him by drawing attention to this.”

Hello, 1952 calling.