Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

[JJJJETS]

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

It's the wording of what he said that I don't like/understand. Seems strange. As if you are a friend coming onto him.

He sounds like he is afraid to have sex. I bet its the pelvis issue. Even if resolved.

Or OP he will admit he’s got a problem and ask for your support to help work through it?

@Musttryharder2021

Why do people keep saying it's a mismatch in their libidos when they started out having the same levels?

Because libido levels are not fixed across a lifetime. They change.

Currently, there appears to be a big mismatch.

@AlternativePerspective

Hang on, if a woman posted here that she had no libido and her partner was threatening to leave because he didn’t get sex people would be telling her she was wel rid and he clearly was a silly manchild.

Now while I do understand the hurt if you’re rejected the reality is that the grass is rarely greener, and to end an otherwise good relationship because of sex is incredibly short-sighted. Because sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship? “Someone who likes sex”? Is the other stuff not important then?

FWIW I am the one with no libido due to medication and I know it does bother my DP. If he decided to leave me over it that would be his decision. But our relationship is built on so much more than that, and to reduce the meaning of a relationship to lack of the physical is to dismiss everything else that relationship stands for.

And what happens wen the OP has children and has no libido? Should the man be free to leave? Is she in the wrong?

Lack of libido can have all sorts of reasons. And it’s not only women who have the monopoly on saying no.

No they wouldnt. Most likely it would be a mixed bag of responses if it was a married couple with kids, but in this relationship, id say that once it stops being fun and actually makes you feel rejected and shit about yourself, then the fact that they didnt marry or have kids is a blessing as youre not as stuck.

My exh rarely wanted sex with me and it massively affected my self esteem. Im so glad i dont have to live like that anymore

*Invested

Men have posted here many times before about sexless marriages and once they have answered questions to determine that it’s not just a case of repeatedly demanding sex when their wife is exhausted/touched out/resentful because she has to do all the shit work with babies & children, they are given exactly the same compassionate response and advice as OP has been given here.

The crux of the matter is that no one, male or female, is obligated to have sex they don’t want to have. The other side of that is that no one, male or female, is obligated to stay in a marriage where their intimate needs cannot ever be met on any level.

It is soul destroying to be repeatedly rejected by the one you love - men and women in sexless relationships all say this - and unless both parties are happy and content enough without sex, it will not work out to be a good, happy marriage/relationship for both of them both long-term, because one of them will be dying a little more inside every day, every month, every year.

OP has already talked with her DP about this, there is no point in having it out with him again - the fact is that he doesn’t want to have sex, and that’s his prerogative. Talking about it cannot solve this problem, as any solution to the OP’s benefit would still require him to have sex he clearly does not want to have. OP has to end it because any other course of action isn’t fair on him and is deeply unfair on herself too. She knows this, as she has said.

However as pp has said, @JJJJETS Perhaps hang on until June and go on your travels as planned - it might be that the thrill and excitement of travel away from ‘real life’ might re-set things for him psychologically in some way which could result in a change. If not, and if it’s clear that the two of you are no longer compatible sexually, then you can leave knowing you’ve given it your best shot and that you’re doing the right thing. For yourself, most importantly, but also for him.

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. Have you thought about going to relationship counselling with your DP? A counsellor would be able to help you both with some of the issues you mentioned, help open up conversations between you about intimacy etc. I know Relate do Relationships counselling and Sex therapy

@Juniper68

I had this. How I managed to get 2 dcs is a miracle. Exdh adored me but didn't like sex. Like you I'd been active before him. I left and had fun then met dh. I was 40 when I met him. I hope you get some answers. I truly feel for you. It's the loneliest of places.

Ditto for me but three kids. I echo these words.

It’s hard to describe the loneliness of being in a relationship where you are not wanted sexually. It’s utterly soul destroying and was a key part in me ending my marriage. Tho not the only thing. Having to essentially “beg” for sex affected my self worth a huge amount even though I knew it wasn’t me. I think that when I read the countless men and women on here who are in sexless or near sexless relationships (and don’t want to be - obvs fine if both parties want that).

You are young. You don’t have kids. If you tie yourself to this man you will regret it I’m fairly sure. If you have a blunt talk today he will promise you it will change. But it won’t. Not long term. Even if he makes more moves on you it will feel like he’s under duress. After being unwanted sexually, feeling like you are “making” someone shag you is the most heartbreaking thing.

Unless he turns out to have low testosterone and is will to get it checked asap - I’d be out of there. As painful as it is as I can tell how much you love him. I don’t doubt he loves you too. But not enough to do something about an issue that’s clearly upsetting you badly. With good reason.

God I'd be absolutely heartbroken. From your OP you're not a sex pest, but sex is clearly an important part of a relationship for you.

Do not sacrifice yourself to a sexless life.

Bloody hell - some really catastrophic assumptions on this thread!
He isn't necessarily having an affair or gay for Christ's sake!

Op - you said "you looked really good in those shorts"
And he replied "haha, I don't know what to say to that"

Have you even considered he was replying to your complement? Not laughing at the idea of having sex with you? You're jumping to the absolute worst case scenario. Sex dwindles very often in relationships. Rather than say "do you fancy sex" when you do, have you tried actually kissing him, touching him? I honestly would cringe if my Dh asked me if I wanted to have sex, it's like planning it before hand and it would put me off. Try physically initiating sex rather than verbally.

If you have an otherwise wonderful relationship and it's devastating you to think about ending it, I think you will regret it to throw it away over what could be an easy fix. As you said, you had daily great sex in your last relationship, and you were miserable. Don't rush into anything, especially over last night which I really think you could have taken the wrong way.

I can somewhat relate OP. We had a very active sex life for the first few years, then we had DD and sex totally dried up. Not initially, at the 8 week post birth mark we were on it, but when DD was around 6 months old I had a Skene duct infection that caused serious pain and so was not up for it. It took months to solve and by that point our sex life had dried up to almost nothing, once it was resolved he was nervous about causing me pain having seen how much pain I was in with the infection. I'm pretty sure we had sex 5 times in 2 years, the last of which DS was conceived. Sex stopped again during pregnancy (DH isn't into it and didn't feel comfortable and that was fine as I wasn't bothered either). When DS was born I put a real effort into getting us back on track. He is now 3 and a half and I'd say we are now averaging about once a week, likely would be more if we didn't have kids who hate sleep.

However we have both turned each other down when the other is in the mood and on occasion this hurts, it does make you feel unwanted and unloved when you are all fired up and feeling good and you get shot down. But you can't force the other person to be in the mood. After a lot of reflection and talk about it, we are both much better at reading each others cues and can now subtly signal a yes or no without upsetting the other.

I think you need to have a long and honest discussion about what is going on, how you feel about it all and get some answers from him. It's all well and good guessing that he isn't attracted to you any more, has undisclosed ED, has another woman, whatever, but until he actually talks to you, all this is doing is upsetting you more.

I hope you get the answers you want tonight.

OP,

You are so young to be feeling so hurt, unloved, and undesirable.

Yes it will be hard to detach your life but you have to keep reminding yourself of the alternative, which is this for the rest of your life.

His reaction was very hurtful, even if he didn't mean it.

You sound lovely.

It’s also very different if the lack of sex can be traced to a specific cause such as illness/medication. That is a completely different scenario and can often be negotiated in a way that ensures both parties still feel close and intimate and loved. Marriages where one person simply cannot have sex don’t tend to suffer in the same way. Because it’s not a rejection, it’s simply a case of sex not being possible.

I'm sorry. You must feel very hurt and rejected.

For me it's less about the sex. How is he with affection and closeness?

I had an ex who had ED. But he was brilliant with hugs and kisses and foreplay. So yes we had less sex but I felt loved and attractive and we felt close as a couple.

His reaction could have been nervous first response. But then he could've followed it up once he'd had a chance to think about it. Not fall asleep.

It's his lack of concern for how the op feels that worries me. They've had this conversation before so he knows it's an issue. To fall asleep after rejecting her feels quite cold and callous leaving the op alone and upset.

I hope the chat goes well op. Honestly I don't know what to say. You've had a chat already so he knows this needs to change.

@EarringsandLipstick

"What the hell?

What's that comment supposed to mean?

"Secondly, women return to sex at varying times & durations after childbirth. There isn't one 'rule'."

However, some women never return to their pre pregnancy pre childbirth libido levels. Exactly no one rule. Pelvic floor injuries can be extensive and permanent. It's taboo and not spoken about.

The comment is supposed to mean that sex drive can be ruined/destroyed for her potentially too and her partner would need to be the on who is understanding

@JJJJETS

I think instead of saying it's over you need to talk to him and see if this is something you and he can work out together.

It sounds like the rest of the relationship is good and that you are reasonably good at communicating together. And that you've has good sex in the past.

It could be that it would work better if rather than telling him you'd like to get it on you go to bed together and you just start caressing him (for example).

Fwiw I get in a fluster if my DH propositions me directly while I'm downstairs putting the dishwasher on. I like it if we just go to bed together and he reaches out and touches me a certain way and I know he is up for it.

I’ve a friend who was in this exact situation and they broke up over it. She was devastated. He got married again and through mutual friends, she knows that it’s exactly the same in his new relationship.

Both relationships started off very sexual. Perhaps it’s the Madonna/whore complex. Perhaps he’s gay but won’t admit it to himself. Perhaps it’s just a low sex drive once the initial newness and excitement of a new relationship wears off. It’s not unusual with women, it’s just more unusual with men.

I don’t think it’s you. You just have to decide if you can live this way. It’s helped my friends self worth to realise it’s the same with his next relationship.

@HaggisBurger has completely echoed how I felt begging for sex from my first husband,
My advice OP, get out now it will destroy your self esteem in a slow and awful way and may have consequences on any future relationships you may have.

@Benjispruce4

I’m quite shocked at the responses here. If it was a man and his wife said the same after weeks without sex, everyone would be outraged and tell the man that he shouldn’t just expect sex and that his wife has a right to say no. I think OP you need to have a proper talk. You say you are otherwise happy and love him, surely it’s worth working on. He may have issues, low testosterone or ED worries. You should be supporting him long before you decide to leave because he said no.

Will you stop this internalised misogyny crap. You can't just turn the situation around because the power balance between men and women is completely different.

I'm sorry it's not what people want to hear but, sadly, when someone checks out of a relationship the most likely explanation is that there is someone else. particularly when there is a sudden change. I've seen it again and again and again and again. With my friends, with strangers, with family members.

It's shit but the OP is young, has no children, has the right to find someone better and I'm sure she will.

My ex had ED and the only thing that worked for us was alcohol, I think because it gave him the confidence he didn't have sober. It was frustrating and I handled it in the wrong way. It got significantly worse when he was very low on weight. Turns out he has eating disorder issues which I hadnt really realised and he'd never fully opened up about but only alluded to. He was running several times a week, playing two sports and not eating enough for a man.

Is he on any medication- antidepressants or anything like that? They can affect sex drive.

Honestly I think it's a case of just stuck in a rut. I'm convinced if you ended it and he begged you to stay you would enter into hysterical bonding and have sex like you did when you were first together (obviously not recommending this). I don't know the solution.

You aren’t sexually compatible. I had an ex like this years ago and to this day I still remember how I felt when he used to fake being tired of having a headache when I tried it on . In my case he had someone else but i hope it’s not the same with you. I’ve also been in your dp shoes where I’ve rejected sex but it was because he wasn’t good at it and was a selfish parter that didn’t look after me. You deserve more and you will get it.

Your relationship isn’t perfect because you aren’t getting what you want. You don’t need to discuss it as you already have. He’s wasting your time, end it and that gives both of you the time to find someone who matches your needs .