April 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It’s April 2022 and the Stately Home is still open to all comers.

@caulescens Interesting as one of my conditions is Fibromyalgia which I firmly (personally) believe is linked to PTSD.

Thankyou for your reply. Hope you’re as ok as you can be.

That would make a lot of sense @Parishcouncil . I would imagine that due to the addition of your Fibromyalgia you would be more likely to receive more adequate help from a GP, maybe that is wishful thinking...have you had help for you PTSD?

Thank you, yes, I'm ok - I've been listening to an audible book today whilst plodding through some housework. I may not have been able to provide a lovely wider supportive family for my DC but I can provide a lovely, clean welcoming home (obviously hope to provide much more than that but that is what I'm focusing on right now). Hope you're doing ok today too 💐

@caulescens l find listening to audible books a great help. They stop me from overthinking things.

Thank you @MonkeyfromManchester 😊
Not my toxic family have never been conciliatory towards me ever . They can't even apologize even if they don't mean it. You can't even have a conversation with them because they argue with you if you dare to disagree with them, it's hopeless.

Had a proper meltdown yesterday, been so emotionally exhausted going through everything in my brain, plus DH has been away so been solo parenting and haven't managed to get away for our honeymoon yet. Very hormonal also. The perfect storm. Messed up some fried eggs and started crying. In evening, we sat down and talked everything through, I told him I was considering going NC with my mum as well, and told him about some of things she said to me at the wedding. He was fully supportive of it. Suggested that I get some more regularly therapy, someone face to face & local, found a lady who does sessions out in nature and thought that sounded good. So going to have a few intro calls and see how I gel with them. Currently have monthly zoom calls with my previous therapist who is in London and don't feel it's enough to emotionally navigate divorcing my mother. I realise now she's as bad as my father and has done so many out of order things recently, seems to have got a lot worse since I got pregnant and had a baby.

The book I am reading about emotional immaturity is a total eye opener too.

We're putting an offer in on a house today, I can't wait to move to a place where neither parent has my address!

Hope everyone has had a positive start to their week. Hugs x

Your husband sounds wonderful @failinghard , so supportive. The nature therapy sessions sound very healing too - I really hope that works out for you.
Fingers crossed that the offer on the house is accepted!
The is such a hard bumpy road sometimes - it seems all to often the we have to hit the bottom before we can see some light and make serious progress. 🌻

Hello all x

Hoping you're all ok?

I'm so tired. Bone tired. I know some of you will totally get it but I'm finding it hard to verbalise exactly...

Just had a weekend of visitors from abroad to see mum. Except mum can't host anymore so it was me. Running around, airport pick ups and drop offs, making food, endless cups of tea, tidying up etc

It was nice to see them but of course my siblings turned up for half an hour for their weekly visits which I found really angering. Why? They are behaving as they always do?

The visitors were shocked at how frail mum is.

I feel utterly trapped. But it's my own fault.

I get the paltry carers allowance which just about covers petrol, parking charges, meals out and coffees for mum etc per month.

I can earn £120 more per week if I could find something for those few hours...

But that would mean I'd be back to how it was when I was working pt before...working or at mums. I hardly saw dc or dh :(

I think I've backed myself into a caring corner and I'm not sure how to get out :(

I think mum may have parkinsons but she is refusing to see a Dr. She has tremors. Quite Shaky. No strength in her hands.

I'd love to do a weekly visit like my siblings. I'd love to be able to earn decent money.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 50 soon? Mid life crisis and all that?

I'd need to stop the carers allowance. And look for a job! 😬

I'm so tired of being there every day. I try my best but it's so demoralising and difficult.

Plus with the CofL crisis I feel I should be bringing money into the household.

No idea what to do. Maybe I should just tell mum we need the money and I need to earn more?

Sigh.

Hello all x

Hoping you're all ok?

I'm so tired. Bone tired. I know some of you will totally get it but I'm finding it hard to verbalise it...

Just had a weekend of visitors from abroad to see mum. Except mum can't host anymore so it was me. Running around, airport pick ups and drop offs, making food, emdless cups of tea, tidying up etc

It was nice to see them but of course my siblings turned up for half an hour for their weekly visits which I found really angering. Why? They are behaving as they always do?

They were shocked at how frail mum is.

I feel utterly trapped.

I get the paltry carers allowance which just about covers petrol, parking charges, meals out and coffees for mum etc per month.

I can earn £120 more per week if I could find something for those few hours.

But that would mean I'd be back to how it was when I was working pt before...working or ar mums. I hardly saw dc or dh :(

I think I've backed myself into a caring corner and I'm not sure how to get out :(

I think mum may have parkinsons but she is refusing to see a Dr. She has tremors. Quite Shaky. No strength in her hands.

I'd love to do a weekly visit like my siblings. I'd love to be able to earn decent money.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 50 soon? Mid life crisis and all that?

I'd need to stop the carers allowance. And look for a job!

I'm so tired of being there every day. I try my best but it's so demoralising and difficult.

Plus with the coming CofL crisis I feel I should be bringing money into the household.

@caulescens audible books are the best! I use them at bedtime & I never know the plot as I fall asleep!

@TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans nope, they never apologise as it’s “not their fault”. If you do actually get an apology you’re supposed to join in the apology fest abc somehow you end up wearing the blame. This is what the Hag used to do - saccharine heart felt (lol) apology with the expectation that we would apologise. My line became “thank you for yr apology.” And left it at that. Sometimes I’d add “I have nothing to apologise for, but thank you for yours”. They cannot take responsibility and it’s only ever a game.

@failinghard I’m so glad you talked to your husband. Abuse often ends up in shame and embarrassment and it’s hard to explain / talk about. Good luck on the house. A fair few of us have “disappeared” on their toxic families which I completely and utterly understand! I’d do the same on The Hag if she’d been my parent.

@Chevyimpala67 it’s not a mid-life crisis. It’s your situation. You don’t want your prime mapped out in this way. Personally, I’d junk the guilt and get social workers involved to put a care package in place. Cite family responsibilities, no support from the rest of the family, and your well-being. Lay it on with a trowel. Your mjm

@Chevyimpala67 so sorry about your situation, that sounds really hard. defo agree with @MonkeyfromManchester - you need to get rid of this responsibility anyway possible. Phase it out gradually.
Assuming your mother was neglectful / abusive - she took your childhood and now she is dominating your best years - these should be for your own family.
I think abusive parents boycott the right to family care in later life when they make the choice to abuse and neglect... but I know it's not that simple.

@MonkeyfromManchester nothing is more appealing that disappearing from the lot of them. To me that is total freedom. They'd never see it as anything they have done wrong.

@caulescens thank you yes he's wonderful, being so helpful today too knowing I am not on form. I believe he has my mum sussed out, he doesn't like how judgemental and bitchy she is I know that for sure.

@Chevyimpala67 I know this is really hard, but the social workers have seen it all before with recaltriant older people. You can also contact her GP and say you can't cope with such her health and what you think is a serious illness. Tell them you don't want it coming from you, but they could “ call her in for a check-up”. This is what we did with The Hag about her various ailments.

I’d always lay it on the line with all involved about your financial situation.
And bang on about mental health. Really lay in on thick.

If your siblings are cynically hanging on for an inheritance from the house - not uncommon - it's worth pointing out that care from PROFESSIONALS in the home is a whole lot cheaper than a care home. It's means tested, but don't shoulder the financial burden yourself, get it out of any savings your mum has. Believe me; any £ is not worth the stress and misery of caring for someone toxic. The Hag tried to pull the money trick - oh, I'll have nothing to leave you and we simply said we dont need your cash (bribe more like)

Get Power of Attorney - point out to your mum that social workers etc can over ride her wishes and it's better that she has family supporting her in her wishes.

Talk through options with Carers UK who are AMAZING.

Well, having a fabulous day here.

Mr Monkey is on some guilt trip about the newspaper that the Hag puts on her kitchen window so “no one could look in” She's on the 5th floor of a tower block FFS. Just having newspaper there is a vast improvement from having it on every window of the slum. I no longer look in wonder at how she chooses to live her disgusting life.

So, can you get some window film, he says to me.
No, there is no point as she will turn it into a drama.
Quite a bit of back and forth and he finally saw sense.

I've had a bad flare up of herpes - gifted to me by my toxic violent ex - so had to go to the lovely (they are brilliant) sexual health clinic for drugs. Feel like shit and I do not need the stress of MM feeling guilty about the state of the Hag’s flat. I had to point out that it is HER responsibility, not ours.

Can't she just FUCK OFF? She's like a cockroach.

Oh God l am so sorry @MonkeyfromManchester l suffer from Herpes simplex on my lips and face sometimes that is bad enough and it's so painful bless you

Another herpes sufferer here 👋 but I bad out breaks on my chest - which no doctor ever heard of before we are where are lol

I take L-lysine, vitamin E and b12 daily and generally keeps it away unless I am super stressed or spend too long in the sun. The docs can also prescribe anti virals to take orally now, sure you know @MonkeyfromManchester but just in case you didn't. Also vitamin E liquid dabbed really helps with healing, Solgar do one xx

@TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans & @failinghard thank you so much, ladies. Sitting here with ice cubes!!! I did not know that about getting them on your chest. It's a very sneaky condition. I really appreciate your kindness. Xxx

@MonkeyfromManchester
How are you feeling today?
I do hope you recover very soon 💐

Does anyone else here not have a ‘best’ friend or any really close friendships?

It dawned on me at 2am when I couldn’t sleep that actually, I have no-one. No-one to call or whatsapp and and ask “Hey I’m free on Thursday if you fancy a cuppa?”

I’ve pushed them all away. Or I’ve tried & failed to make new friends and they’ve kept their distance. Facebook & IG aren’t in my world any more because seeing people with other people was so hurtful, like a knife through me. I struggle to make conversation, engage. I hate me. I hate what they made me.

@Chevyimpala67 you've really taken on a lot - that doesn't mean you have to continue doing this, it sounds far too much and is seriously impacting your life. What is your relationship with your mum and siblings like? I would definitely be having a serious discussion with your siblings - they shouldn't be just sitting there watching you pick up all these ropes and struggle to keep them up. They can, at the very least, do some of the legwork with the social work/GP/admin.
I would start looking for a job - you definitely shouldn't be denied this at just 50, unless you really want to do it all.

@MonkeyfromManchester that sounds really miserable 🙁. I hope you're starting to feel some relief today.

I've been having a general ponder about my perception of other people and their 'red flags' - not a new one for me but in recently years it seems to be more on my mind. I wonder if I pull away too much now when I see it and keep some people at arms length a bit too much? Especially after watching this . Hard to know whether it is this or now being nearly 50 and knowing what I like, don't like and won't tolerate.

@Chevyimpala67 I should add that my brother and I had very firm boundaries as to what we would and won't do with our dad when he required care and had zero guilt over it. The two other sibling were NC. We made sure he got to hospital and GP appointments (either took him or arranged transport), had a cleaner, had carers visit as many times as needed, made sure he paid his bills, had short routine visits from us on set times on set days to trouble shoot anything (& dealt with most of the above whilst there). We did not do any routine cleaning, any day trips/trips out, didn't invite him to our homes, didn't pay for anything using our money (he was not wealthy at all but he definitely had enough to pay for his carers and cleaning on his pension money/allowance).
This was manageable whilst working full-time.

Lovely ladies! I'm still feeling crap, but thank God they saw me and gave me the antivirals. Having a disco nap.

@Parishcouncil i hear ya! I think abusive relationships make it harder to make friends. I know MM finds our own house his safe space and doesn't like to go out much. I think toxicity breaks your confidence. Hugs.

@caulescens i know what you mean about Red Flags. The older I get the more I trust my gut instincts.

No communication from The Hag today, but tomorrow - brace yourself - is meds delivery day to the Lair so there is always a drama with five phone calls DESPITE the chemist never screwing up. MM has stopped picking up his phone on demand, which, of course, means Slave Son (idiot) being dragged in to ringing MM. MM is at work. SS should just refuse. What a mess of a family.

Think I'll watch Game of Thrones to get some ideas...

@Parishcouncil I feel like I am going that way with local friends/already there. I've been sat here for ages trying to explain it! Had some lovely (although perhaps superficial) overlapping friendship groups - then suddenly they seem to fall apart when one or two key people move away and now it has been years since the shared experience ended that brought us together in the first place and I've been rubbish at making the effort with new ones.

I'm fearful of joining new groups/doing things to some extent. Maybe fearful is the wrong word but...too pessimistic perhaps. I joined a sewing class/group (tiny group) but one woman in it was just unbearable to me, so I stopped going after a few sessions. I was hopeful of meeting new people - maybe a new friend is things worked out well but really just wanted to enjoy it, learn and relax, definitely NOT this.

I do have a local friend of 10+ years standing who I have been close to at times and we still meet up fairly regularly for walks/coffee but I have definitely see sides to her character I don't like and it has got compounded over the years, so I've pulled away and it just makes me sad (and fake), and irritated after seeing her so not exactly a great friendship.

I've got a couple of emerging friendships but...very early days and I need to make more effort. I feel like I need to sort myself out a bit more first, which is pretty silly but...

I am very lucky (and I do think this is pure luck) - I have a lifelong friend, like a sister, but we live 2.5 hours away from each other (although still meet up every few months). It has always been so easy with her - zero red flags. I think it is rare. I've got another long distance friend (occasional phone calls/letters) who I get on great with too but it still isn't the same as local friends.

I would love to find more local friends like this. I say that yet...

@Parishcouncil that sounds super lonely. You can change your situation, it's all possible and within you. Could you start over somewhere else, a fresh start? What activities do you enjoy? There are a lot of female choirs round the country if singing is something you enjoy.

Try to tap into your inner child, what did you like doing before you changed yourself to fit in with your emotionally immature parents who weren't interested in knowing who you truly are.

Can I ask, has anyone ever confronted emotionally immature parents / siblings recounting events from childhood? I have been having fairly frequent flashbacks for weeks and have started writing everything down so I can see in it's entirety. It's a lot.