DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Don’t teach her it’s okay to ignore that behaviour. If you do, it might be her who’s getting punched in the face in 5 years’ time

Yes. Either by her father, or by the abusive partner that she tolerates because that's what she's been taught to do.

OP, you cannot let this happen. Please contact the police and then them the truth.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially

It doesn't matter if it's once a year, once a day or once a week.

If your daughter was under 18 and social services knew you weren't protecting her she would be removed from your care.

Please contact Women's Aid.

His money isn't worth being a punch-bag.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

Why did you tell the police it was verbal and nothing to worry about when clear it was getting physical and it is worrying you sufficiently to ask for opinions from strangers. He needs anger management- it’s irrelevant that it doesn’t happen often, an explosion like that could have tragic results. He can’t control himself and he should do something about that.

In this situation I actually think the police acted negligently! They should surely know that frightened women and kids would be too scared and shocked and shaken to tell on the man who has just attacked them when he's present! They should have talked to OP and her DD separately! OP I'm so sorry! Please you have to make arrangements to leave now because this was extreme! I am a bit shaken from just reading it! Next time it could be even worse and the possibilities don't bear thinking about! Meanwhile ye could both be feeling like ye are waiting for the next outburst and attack! That's no way to live, it ruins people! Your poor DD as well. Please put her first! Please contact Women's Aid and is there somewhere the DD and you can juts go and stay for a while? I am going through my marriage ending too, which I will post about when I can get myself together enough so I really do feel for you and I wish you all the best. Please contact Women's Aid and again, I'm so sorry!

OP why are you asking us? You know what do do - report what actually happened to the police, press charges and leave him. He is a disgrace. Your kids should not experience this shit.

He has thrown a boot at you; pinned you down; threatened to punch you; terrorised a poor frightened animal; you acknowledge that he could hurt the dog to teach you and DD a lesson. Ring the police; tell them all this; get a non-molestation order and file for divorce . Now.

My love, pinning you on the stairs with a fist in your face saying he’s going to punch you CANNOT be brushed aside.

Deep breath.

He needs to move out. You need peace and quiet. Your kids need safety and security

You are gaslighting yourself. And traumatising your kids
Get away from this man!!!!!!
Leave. Now.
Stop saying "it only happens once a year"
Once a year is one time too many
Leave this crazy son of a bitch
I dont care if you are financially dependent on him or not. Go to a friend a relative or a safehouse
Get your kids to move out asap.

Oh and file a police report for dv

I'm sorry, I'm the world's most passive and conflict averse person, but I would be GONE here.

Your daughter saw this (or bits of). What would you say if she told you the same in 10 years?

Good luck to you x

Doing it once in the whole relationship is once too many, once per year is ridiculous. Please show your dc that they are worth more than living with an abuser waiting for him to go off again

You are complicit in this. You had an opportunity to be honest about what happened to the police and yes, they might have taken him in for a while, may have cautioned him but doubt much worse than that. Were you in fear that if he was arrested for DV he'd take it out on you later? This is no way to live! Are you going to put the next violent outburst due on the 2023 calendar now? If you can't get him to talk about it and seek help it's time to plan your escape.

It's once a year too many tbh, how long have you been married? Then add up the once a year explosions and you're looking at too many incidents.

Oh gosh I feel for you. How trapped and frightened you must feel. How conflicted you must feel. Knowing that his behaviour is unacceptable and abusive, not just to you, but the children and the animals too, but feeling like you cannot protect your family and yourself as you would like to do, because you feel so trapped financially.

There is help out there. The law is not on his side. Help the law help you and yours.

Your DH isn't the only one who wants to pretend it never happened. I've been in a shit marriage for a long time and am very very ashamed of it, but if I saw anyone treat my kids and an animal like that they'd be gone.

Go back to the police and tell them you were too scared at the time. He needs to leave.

Yes, it's a real shame that he wasn't carted off in a police car, he needs to reflect on the seriousness of his behaviour instead of relying on his family to minimize it.
That, and a possible arrest and charge might have given him the shock he needs to address his violent actions. Which are really bad, OP.
If you don't report him over his threats to you, do it to protect your daughter and blameless dog.

@2Gen, yes, the police did act negligently.

There are some things in a relationship that you can forgive once. Or twice. Or even more times.

Then there are things like this that are absolutely one time events and you need to get out events.

*Luckily he stopped when he did.

*Luckily someone called the police.
*Luckily you are still here to tell the tale.

This man sounds volatile, unpredictable and dangerous. You need to get out now. Do it safely. This is 100% not OK. You can never trust him again after this.

@lameasahorse

The dog shakes in fear at loud voices for a reason. Your DD took the dog upstairs initially as she knew the dog was at risk.

Wasn't that due to the argument between her and OP though?

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

But that is exactly what he needed.

Ring the police back.
Make a formal complaint.
Leave him.

What behaviour do you want to model for your daughter? Do that.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF of this online. Chances are, you will recognise many features of your husband in this book and maybe it will help confirm in your mind that yes, it is abuse and no, it is not likely to get better. Unfortunately, it only ever tends to get worse because they follow a script. Wishing you the best, you do have the strength to leave him.

So you e brushed it all under the carpet. Next time he might kill you ?

Next year could be the last time you and your kids experience this...

Living off benefits is better than this
I know an 18 pupil of mine who was the sole survivor after her dad killed mum and younger sister
Don’t. Act normal don’t pretend this did not happen get help and get away from him
Don’t know why you are financially dependant in him ? Make steps to reverse that today for your kids sake when your daughter goes to school if she tells someone you will have ss involved

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

You trying to make it feel like a normal night is what prompts him to pretend it never happened.

Tell him now that he has to talk about this and stop pretending it hasn't happened. He needs to acknowledge it as the first step to ensuring it never happens again, otherwise he needs to leave. As an absolute minimum, he needs a referral for anger management.

Does he have these 'outbursts' at work or with other family members, parents, siblings etc or are they reserved for just you, DC and dog?
Does he drink often?
I know it's easy for a bunch of anonymous people telling you to leave etc, when it's your own life, it's very different and often difficult too. But you must know OP that this isn't acceptable and wrong on so many levels. If there are no consequences for him, it gives him the green light to do it again and the outcome could be very different. To not even apologise or be remorseful is staggering too.
I echo what others have said.... you go back to the police and tell them the truth. Your family can't walk on eggshells wondering when the next time will be, however infrequent it is.