DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Wtf, he needs to leave for the safety of you, your DD and your poor dog.

I’m really sorry the police didn’t take things more seriously. Your daughter and dog deserve better than this.

Doesnt matter if it is once a year it is once too many. Your poor DC putting up with this nasty violent abusive man...never mind your poor dog. I have no doubt if you truly reflect it is more than once a year and have no doubt you all walk around on egg shells until he explodes

Tell the police you've changed your mind. That was animal abuse, as well as domestic abuse. He should be carted off. You've told him it's ok. You've told him he can explode at intervals at you, the kids, the dog. You've told him he can hold you hostage until the day he, or you dies. Possibly at his hands, if he gets really stressed.

Get rid of him as soon as you humanly can. I am leaving an abusive relationship not dissimilar and have a toddler, your post has made me even more determined to do so. He sounds like an utter lunatic.

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

This is awful OP. He sounds like a violent aggressive bully.

My dad did similar (not dog) and my mum ripped him a new arsehole. He never did it again. He's repeating the behaviour because you let him

So what if he's carted off in a police car? Surely that is a deserved consequence of his actions?
This absolutely would be a deal breaker for me, even more so if he's not sorry and wants it forgotten!

We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson

And this is what you're saying in the cold light of day, having had time to process it. This is what, deep down, you know him to be capable of.

@pangolina's advice is excellent.

Bloody hell, that's not how I expected your post to end.

Once a year is too much.

I understand you may feel unable to but I'm still going to advise you to give a statement to the police without him there.

I also suggest you peruse Refuge website and see if there are any other behaviours he displays which are characterised as abusive, I'd be surprised if these explosions were the only thing.

I'm sorry you've been through this op. It's abuse plain and simple. He must not be allowed to brush it under the carpet, he needs to examine his behaviour and if this is honestly the only unacceptable behaviour he ever displays, he needs anger management therapy.

@BoodleBug51

So you chose to protect him instead of your kids?

It's bad enough that you allowed the older kids live through this, but your chance to do it right with your youngest and you just let her down? It doesn't matter that it's once a year, once is enough!

Call the police and explain the truth. He needs to face the consequences

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

And now that barrier is down it won’t be the last.

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

So what do you think he might do to you next time? Or to your kids or to your dog? And what are your kids learning from your acceptance of this?

You lied to the police, instead of protecting your DD (as well as yourself). You have told her that you will protect him over her. How will she ever trust you?

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

"I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time."

Which of these statements is true?

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

@Unforgettablefire

This is sickening. Taking it out on the poor dog that was already petrified to teach you and your daughter a lesson? And you thought he was going to kill him? And you’re STAYING???? Please rehome the dog at least.

Exactly this. Please let the poor dog have a chance to live in a peaceful home where it won't be treated like this. Poor thing.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

Seriously? Why are you letting your DD think this is acceptable?

Sounds like you're in shock op, you know this isn't ok. How are things today?

I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

This is what should have happened. Think very carefully what lessons your children are learning.

I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car

Erm, yes… and?! Get that dangerous man away from your children and your dog!

I can understand why it is relatively “easy” to brush this under the carpet if he really is only doing this once a year.

But you cannot live with a time bomb. That is no way to live and your post very much gives the impression that you have no idea what he will do when he is like this. Who knows how bad it could be next time?