DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

You were probably in shock when the police came.

But you made enough noise and scared someone OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE enough to warrant them calling the police because they were afraid someone was getting seriously hurt.

It doesn’t matter if it’s once a year. No level of violence is acceptable from a partner or parent.

Listen to what people are saying here.

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

Well, now you know it wasn't normal, it wasn't all right and it isn't too late to report him

Your children will always remember these moments. Doesn't matter how great things are most of the time. It's these times that they will remember. Do you want your family thinking this is normal behaviour and is OK as it doesn't happen too often

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

You should have spoken up. It was a golden opportunity.

Call the police back and tell them exactly what really happened. He's a dangerous man and you need to be rid of him. Show your DD that she shouldn't accept this dangerous shit in her life.

Oh the poor dog. You can make a choice to stay or go abs I think you’ll find your dd goes soon, but the dog has no choice. The dog was already terrified because of your fight petty or not ( I have no idea why her getting food delivered is an issue in the first place) but he must be absolutely petrified. If you do nothing else please get him somewhere safe. It’s very unfair for him to be put through that.

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Because that is the right course of action. Of course he should be taken away and charged.

He’s thug and violent and awful. Get out before he kills you or your innocent dog

I know it's hard to hear everyone 'getting at' your DH, who the rest of the time is lovely & it makes you defensive, because you love him.

But honestly, it's time to leave. He's choosing not to control his outbursts, he's choosing to terrify your dog, your daughter, yourself.

One of these days, even if it's not his intention, he'll go too far.

Take your poor little dog for a walk & call the police, tell them you were too scared & too embarsssed to admit what your DH was doing when the police were there last night.

He could have killed any of you last night. You can see how your dog reacts to raised voices, your DD (&the others) have learnt to control that reaction, the dog hasn't, but your DD is doing that inside.

As much as I don't want to 'put the boot in' if YOU don't take action you are teaching your kids that this behaviour is acceptable in a relationship. Is this what you want for their future?

Do YOU want to make old bones? Because the chances of you not if you stay with him are high. Sorry x

No wonder the poor dog shakes when he hears raised voices. He’s been living in a violent home.

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

Do you own or rent your home?

He is your husband and there are benefits you can claim.

Do you work?

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

However, they have become a lot more violent. And he's 'got away with it' I wonder how your DD feels now? Does she feel safe and protected in her own home? OR - does she now know a good way to stop her mum arguing????? PLEASE go back to the police. This will get worse.

Is there any way you can say to him, 'I know it would be much easier for you if we did like usual, and pretended that never happened, but this time we can't. You went off at DD, you were physically aggressive and threatened worse, and we were terrified you'd kill the dog. We can't ignore this. What are you prepared to do to ensure this doesn't happen again - and to start with, an acknowledgement and apology would be the bare minimum? The police have been involved. This incident will have been logged. People in the neighbourhood heard and were really concerned. It's no longer 'keep it in the family' material.'

You keep using this weird passive language. Your daughter ‘gets pushed.’ You ‘get pinned to the stairs.’ Why aren’t you using the active voice? ‘My husband chased our teenager up the stairs. He grabbed our dog. He pushed her. He pinned me to the stairs.’

Anyway, I’d leave him pronto. I’m always quick to say leave but that’s because it took me too long to leave. And I was only with mine for about two/three years on and off but that was long enough. It’s no good living with a man who wants to hurt you. He can control his temper at work, at his mums, at his mates. He doesn’t chase random 18 year old girls down in the street to attack them. So he’s doing this on purpose, he’s terrorising your family on purpose.

And there’s no such thing as ‘lovely most of the time.’ We’re all the sum of our parts - a man who attacks his family sometimes is a man who attacks his family. If you’re not willing to leave I would start telling people, especially family. And I would go to the police while they’ve still got a record of the call and tell them what happened. It might be good to have it on record since you never know when you’ll need a record. Stay safe.

Of course he wants to pretend it never happened. They always do. This is going to sound harsh, but that is basically what you are doing as well. You lied to the police. You haven’t removed the children from a the dangerous situation. I know this is terrifying, but you are the only person in the world who has the power to protect your children from this man. Please reach out to your local domestic violence support for advice on the best way to document what he is doing to minimize his custody in the future and then chart a course to extracting him from your lives.

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

Once a year is too often It’s not just the violent outburst, it’s the waiting for it that’s so awful

"Only once a year"

"Only" once a year, means your youngest DD has "only" been exposed to this level of terrorising and abuse 18 times in her short life. Once is enough.
Your dog is scared of loud voices because he's been exposed to them too much.

You need to step up and protect your children op. Before one of you get killed.

The fact that your DD didn't call the police herself whilst you were pinned to the stairs speaks volumes. She's seen this before, she has been conditioned to accept this level of abuse. And that's going to follow your kids their whole lives.

Rehome the dog if you won't do anything else. Your kids at least are old enough to rehome themselves.

You should call the police and retract your previous statement. They will be experienced with victims of domestic violence having been trained to downplay the seriousness of the attacks. You've managed to evade detection by the police until it's too late for social services to intervene to help your children. You will need that police statement as I doubt the frequency of these assaults is going to stay at one a year once you start to make plans to escape. As you should.

(Whilst not meaning to) by staying, downplaying it and not telling the police, you are teaching your son this is how he can treat women, and your daughters that this is all they are worth and can be treated the same by a man later in life.
Display strength, make a stand and leave - it is the only course of action as a good parent (+ you deserve better)

This man is abusive to you, your children and your dog. It doesn't matter if it's once a year or not, it's still abusive.

The fact that you and your DD thought he might even kill the dog says it all, no matter how angry my DP has been not once have I ever thought he'd lay a finger on me or my dog.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

It won't be the last. The dog might not survive next time either.

These men don't get better with age.

@mbosnz

Is there any way you can say to him, 'I know it would be much easier for you if we did like usual, and pretended that never happened, but this time we can't. You went off at DD, you were physically aggressive and threatened worse, and we were terrified you'd kill the dog. We can't ignore this. What are you prepared to do to ensure this doesn't happen again - and to start with, an acknowledgement and apology would be the bare minimum? The police have been involved. This incident will have been logged. People in the neighbourhood heard and were really concerned. It's no longer 'keep it in the family' material.'

I don’t know if this is a good idea. He may become violent and aggressive again.

I think you need to talk to someone like Womens Aid. This is not a healthy situation for anyone to be in.

It also may be an idea to ask if any family members would be willing to rehome your dog in their home. He knows now he can terrify you by making you think he will hurt the dog, and it’s ‘easier’ to terrorise people via an animal because it’s simply harder to press charges for animal abuse. Plus I imagine at 18 your dd will be out of there asap and the dog will be left. If you aren’t going to leave I’d try and support dd to leave and rehome the dog and (since you want to stay) try and manage his behaviour yourself. It’s one thing to choose to stay with a violent man but I’d try to absolve him of other easy reach victims that don’t have the choice.

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Why didn't you let him? He needed to be lifted.

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

And nor have they stopped. Violent men don't change.

Do you want your daughter married to a man who's violent, threatening and seems to be about to kill the family pet every year?

@rogoueblue
I've reacted just as you and DD did to similar explosions that happened out of the blue. So have two DDs who had an experience like that when they were on weekend visitation with exH.

If I had it all back, I would have gone back to the police station the next day and filed a report.

This is what you need to do now.
Go back to the police.
Tell them that you and DD were paralysed by shock when they called.

Explosive rage that comes out of nowhere is terrifying. It is abuse.

Are you ready to file a report and cooperate if the police file charges? Is DD willing? Your older DCs?

This is a difficult situation to be in, but it can get better if you decide to take the action that is needed.