DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

You are gaslighting your children. This is not ok.

Er, congrats, you live with a violent abuser? Not the first time it's happened? Your daughter's learned that even if help comes, Mummy sends the police away? Great work. Stellar parenting.

So he’s done this before and done it again. He’s now done this directly to a kid and he will do it again. You thought he’d kill the dog. Kick him out!

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

Doesn't matter how often it happens. It shouldn't happen ever , do you want to walk on eggshells? He could kill you next time, there will definitely be a next time.

Please do it for your daughter OP. Call the police and tell them truth. With her by your side if you need.

Don’t teach her it’s okay to ignore that behaviour. If you do, it might be her who’s getting punched in the face in 5 years’ time. Sorry if it sounds brutal but she needs to be taught those outbursts aren’t acceptable. Please, you owe it to her.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

Because it’s been allowed to escalate with no consequence.

Next time your DD will be getting the work boot thrown at her and your dog will end up dead.

My parents both did similar over the 18 years I lived at home. I can’t tell you how many times I witnessed this behaviour and how frightened I was every single day until I left home.

I’m 48 now, been in therapy for 25 years and have never had a living relationship because I can’t trust anyone. I’ve also never had kids because I’m scared I’ll turn out like my parents.

Please please don’t let your DD end up like me. Call the police. Put his abuse out into the open. Put yourself and your kids into therapy. Please.

Your poor DD has been exposed to this level of violence before ??

Please step up and protect her. You need to get this man away from you both. Please speak to the police and tell them the truth this time.

At least give your dog to someone who can look after it properly.

Perhaps getting carted off in a police car would have given the nasty bullying bastard a bit 9f a shock.

And i bet after his outbursts he never ever talks to the kids or you and apologises. Your expected to pretend it didnt happen and move on. Very unhealthy and this is what your mirroring to your DC is a normal relationship. You are dependent financially---well you can stick around and as your DC move on you wont see them often

Although at 18 she has likely already internalised the abuse cycle and it will likely have a severe effect on her choices as an adult. Please also look into some therapy for you both.

I think it’s understandable that you didn’t tell the police as it was a shock, however allowing him to stay now and pretend things are normal is not on at all OP, from you or him. You can’t teach your daughter that this is ok, no matter how infrequent it occurs. He assaulted you, your pet and you DD pushing you all, why is he still in your house? Phone the police back, and make a proper police report. Try and make yourself do it for your DD and dog if not for yourself, it’s the right thing to do.

I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to the police. They deal with this sort of thing all the time, and can perhaps give you some insight, some reassurance, and some support - and hopefully put the fear of hades into your husband.

You were traumatised and terrorised too. You have been conditioned by your husband over the years to expect and accept this happening roughly once a year, and accepting his excuses of work stress and alcohol usage as making this somehow acceptable.

It really, really, isn't. It is escalating. I mean, if you knew when it was going to happen, you could all bugger off for the night, he could have his binge and his meltdown without you - but that's not going to happen, is it? Part of it is he likes letting his anger all hang out, and your fear. So instead, you must be on eggshells for quite a lot of the time, wondering is it going to be tonight? What is going to set him off? How far is he going to go? Who is going to be his target?

That must be truly terrifying.

You need to contact the police and explain you were too frightened to tell the whole story .

Your husband’s violent abuse towards you, your children and your dog is doing untold damage. No wonder the poor bloody fog shakes.

You can't possibly stay with this man. Your poor daughter.

@IncompleteSenten

Maybe he should have been carted off in a police car.

That's what I'm thinking too. He needs to have it made crystal clear to him that he assaulted both of you, and abused the dog, that it was totally unacceptable behaviour and that it must never, ever happen again.

You should’ve let him get carted off in the police car. He’s explosive and a bully. Poor dog and poor you and your DCs. I wouldn’t want to live that way and I wouldn’t be around to experience another once a year occurrence either.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

First time should be the last time. The poor dog ! He's a bully. He's abusive. Please don't let this continue.

This is how families end up dead, snapping like that suddenly.

Hope your all doing ok, this can't be ignored

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

Does that mean that you are prepared to allow him to continue to abuse you and the dc, and to be cruel to your dog?

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

As he should have been

Bollocks is he 'lovely' the rest of the time.

He's an abuser.

If you don't want to involve the police you at least need to leave this awful man. I can't imagine as a mum having to witness this, how awful for you all. Do you have somewhere you can go? If he doesn't see a problem it will happen again.
Also what is this teaching your daughter? I am very wary of people who can hurt innocent animals, very worrying. Your poor ddog.

The fact that it's once a year isn't the point. Once ever is too much.
It's not too late to tell the police what really happened, and take steps to get yourself, your DD and your poor dog to safety.