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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH wants to pretend it never happened

562 replies

rogoueblue · 16/04/2022 17:28

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/04/2022 12:42

@Shade17

You tell this cunt to pack his shit and fuck off. Permanently. He’s an absolute scumbag.
Yep.

That'll work. Can't think why she's not done that already

Confused
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/04/2022 12:57

@liveforsummer

Hopefully OP hasn't been back because she's taking action. I do worry that it might escalate if she confronts him though so hopefully she returns even if just ti let us know she's ok
OP should take her own time, without reference to MN, because this is a lot for her to process. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment, where other people's views of your own situation make you realize how far from normal it is and that you are indeed a victim of abuse, is one of the most painful confrontations there is.

There'll be denial, and a bargaining stage. In a way, it's like going through a process of grief. And coming to terms with the reality of that situation can take time. For a lot of people this doesn't happen overnight.

It seems as plain as the nose on your face from an objective, outsider's standpoint when we are not the ones subjected to a gradual, sporadic ramping up of abuse so that we question ourselves before we question the abuser's behaviour. But when it's you in that position, the picture looks a lot less clear, especially when leaving the relationship presents you with real financial hardship.

OP has a lot to process and I have sympathy with that position. But as a daughter who has been in the same position, the abuse has marked me for life and coloured the way I interact with those closest to me. As a child who didn't have the option to leave, my mother - despite the fact that she tried to protect me as OP tried to do - SHOULD have made that decision for me.

My father's abuse also started off sporadically, when I was about 12. The fact that it wasn't happening every week in no way makes it excusable. Aside from the fact that living with a pregnant thundercloud, never knowing when it's going to burst, does horrible things to you emotionally and plays with your head, on one occasion when he did abuse me he slammed my head down a door and I ended up with concussion.

The bastard could easily have killed me. Unsurprisingly I never saw my father after turning 21, and my mother died young. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout. Please, OP, don't do this to your daughter.

Lucy3928 · 17/04/2022 14:17

Huge red flag. I've been in a abusive relationship before so know what it's like. Will only get worse. Leave him.

Genevie82 · 17/04/2022 14:26

OP,
I’ve read your post about your DH, regardless of the frequency there is a serious red flag about his sudden loss of control towards you like that. If he is doing anything like putting hands round your throat when he is becoming physical you need to leave urgently - your description of what happens reminds me of my professional involvement with families when the mother has been murdered by the father to the shock of everyone. There is not always a build up of lots of dv but a single or irregular unpredicted event of violence caused by the factors you have described. His lack of remorse is very worrying and indicates it will happen again. If another man was treating your DD like this would you stand for it.
Don’t give any indicators to your DH you are thinking about leaving him. Talk to friends that you trust and seek advice from womens aid. Seek a consultation with a family law solicitor who will talk you through your true financial situation if you separate and also a how to get a non molestation order - often done ex parte- to exclude him from your home.

Lucy3928 · 17/04/2022 14:31

As he does it once a year is fine. Don't matter then. Bullshit step up and be a mother

Lucy3928 · 17/04/2022 14:32

Will only get more frequent....leave NOW

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 17/04/2022 14:54

Even if the FREQUENCY of the "episodes" isn't increasing, they are nonetheless ESCALATING (this time he physically assaulted your daughter, not "just" you).

This escalation will not stop, OP - he won't level out at this level of violence. I'll bet you told yourself when he was "only" assaulting you that you'd leave if he ever lay a hand on the children. Well, now he has. He won't stop getting worse. Think about what would be worse than what just happened.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/04/2022 15:14

Even if the FREQUENCY of the "episodes" isn't increasing, they are nonetheless ESCALATING (this time he physically assaulted your daughter, not "just" you).

This.

Next year could be the year he kills or cripples the dog, or you, or your daughter.

I know it's not easy, but please leave.

Catlady2021 · 17/04/2022 18:11

Has the OP even been back on since yesterday?

Isthisit22 · 17/04/2022 18:15

He has now assaulted your daughter. What are you going to do about that? You are in danger of losing your youngest if you cannot protect your children from violence in their own home. If youngest mentions this at school it would be taken very seriously.
Time to step up and kick this sorry excuse for a man out

CambsAlways · 17/04/2022 18:29

No she hasn’t catlady hope she’s ok

Original poster
rogoueblue · 17/04/2022 18:53

Just want to let everybody know me, daughters and dog are safe and my sisters are aware of what has happened. I don’t feel up to posting any more and am still in shock but I’ve been reading all of your comments and have taken everything on board

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 17/04/2022 19:16
Flowers
saraclara · 17/04/2022 19:17

All the best @rogoueblue. I'm glad you've told your sisters, and I hope that they can support you and your daughters through this, and help you to face the decisions that you need to make.

mbosnz · 17/04/2022 19:18

Well done rogoueblue. Those were hard steps to take. Stay safe.

AnotherEmma · 17/04/2022 19:20

@rogoueblue

Just want to let everybody know me, daughters and dog are safe and my sisters are aware of what has happened. I don’t feel up to posting any more and am still in shock but I’ve been reading all of your comments and have taken everything on board
I'm very glad to hear that you're safe and that you've told your sisters. Best of luck to you xx
Trudij123 · 17/04/2022 19:24

That’s great @rogoueblue I hope everything works out for you all, you deserve much better Flowers

Whatthechicken · 17/04/2022 19:26

You are very brave. I’m relieved that you are all safe. All the very best for moving forward, it must feel quite tough right now.

LizzieSiddal · 17/04/2022 19:57

Thank you for letting us know you are all ok, rougeblue. Glad you have taken action and are safe, good luck for the future. Flowers

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 17/04/2022 20:25

Hi all,

We are closing this thread to take a look behind the scenes.

NameChangedForThisSoz · 20/04/2022 05:49

My long-time husband did similar to our young adult daughter & me - he pushed her to the ground and tried to punch her and I had to pull him off. Lots of swearing and screaming - and he had been drinking. This was the first time - my daughter phoned the police, they asked me if he'd assaulted her and I said yes, he did. They arrested him and he spent the night in the lockup.

It took him a long time to come to terms with what happened and that we called the police on him - none of us had ever had contact with the police before. He wanted to pretend it never happened too.

And I told him I'd contact them again in a heartbeat if he did anything like that again - and what would he think if some man had treated his daughter like that? Would he call the police? Of course he would.

My daughter knows that I have her back, no matter what - and I also taught her that NO MAN can treat you like that.

dottiedodah · 20/04/2022 10:11

Firstly I am sorry you have been treated so badly ,and that you DD and your poor dog are OK.Surely you realise this is Abuse pure and simple ? What if the Passer by hadnt called police .Would you still be on here or in Hospital .You are putting DD at risk as well .It would be best if he had been "carted off" in a police car! It is DV however you dress it up .What if he had killed the dog? Would you still be here .You need to speak to WA without delay!

L0stinCyberspace · 20/04/2022 10:53

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/04/2022 12:57

@liveforsummer

Hopefully OP hasn't been back because she's taking action. I do worry that it might escalate if she confronts him though so hopefully she returns even if just ti let us know she's ok
OP should take her own time, without reference to MN, because this is a lot for her to process. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment, where other people's views of your own situation make you realize how far from normal it is and that you are indeed a victim of abuse, is one of the most painful confrontations there is.

There'll be denial, and a bargaining stage. In a way, it's like going through a process of grief. And coming to terms with the reality of that situation can take time. For a lot of people this doesn't happen overnight.

It seems as plain as the nose on your face from an objective, outsider's standpoint when we are not the ones subjected to a gradual, sporadic ramping up of abuse so that we question ourselves before we question the abuser's behaviour. But when it's you in that position, the picture looks a lot less clear, especially when leaving the relationship presents you with real financial hardship.

OP has a lot to process and I have sympathy with that position. But as a daughter who has been in the same position, the abuse has marked me for life and coloured the way I interact with those closest to me. As a child who didn't have the option to leave, my mother - despite the fact that she tried to protect me as OP tried to do - SHOULD have made that decision for me.

My father's abuse also started off sporadically, when I was about 12. The fact that it wasn't happening every week in no way makes it excusable. Aside from the fact that living with a pregnant thundercloud, never knowing when it's going to burst, does horrible things to you emotionally and plays with your head, on one occasion when he did abuse me he slammed my head down a door and I ended up with concussion.

The bastard could easily have killed me. Unsurprisingly I never saw my father after turning 21, and my mother died young. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout. Please, OP, don't do this to your daughter.

+1 @MarieIVanArkleStinks apart from that I still see my "D"F.

My DM prioritises him in every way even though he was violent (sporadically) to us both. She didn't stick up for me. It has damaged me hugely, changed my life enormously, made me make huge, irrevocable and poor life-choices, so much so that I could cry thinking about how things could have been if I'd had a better sense of being safe and acceptable. Please protect your DD and yourself OP.

BOOTS52 · 20/04/2022 15:45

Just pack his things and ask him to leave and do it for your daughter if not for yourself as this is not a way for her to grow up and to think what is normal and acceptable. He is a pig and a vicious bully. Do you stay as the next time he wil punch you and hurt you and your daughter. Ring the police and tell them what happened. Your poor dog must be traumatized. Shocking behavior.

Cheerios12 · 20/04/2022 19:49

rogoueblue · 16/04/2022 17:43

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

Havent RTFT but oh... OP cant you see. This is the cycle of abuse! Each cycle gets closer together until it becomes frequent and worse each time.

I bet the recent years outbursts are worse than the ones from lots of years ago.

You need to give yourself a shake, and take a long hard look at your relationship. I bet if you actually look properly you will see he isnt lovely and I bet he does subtle abusive things eg. emotional abuse or mental or financial.