DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Disgraceful of you both to inflict domestic abuse on your kids, being in your toxic house in the developmental years will have damaged them long term. Sadly my mother chose to inflict such trauma on me, so I speak from experience.

Sickening animal abuse, too. Where can your dog go to live where s/he can not be terrorised and abused? Sort that, immediately.

The scum needs locked up, removed from society.

Fucking hell OP why are you all still there with him??

He needs to leave your home today. Call the police back and make a statement. Get him removed from the home.

To everyone who seems not to understand why the OP reacted the way she did, please read up on the effects of abuse on victims.

You have a choice. Don't lie to yourself that doing nothing isn't a choice. It is. It's choosing trauma for your children, you, and the poor defenseless dog.

Talk to Women's Aid about options. Do something.

OP I have parents like you and your husband.

Right down to a father who would threaten to kill pets to scare us into silence and a mother who would rather put her ease ahead of the safety of the children and animals in the house.

My siblings and I all have serious MH issues stemming from his abuse. Some of my brothers have gone on to be abusers themselves because that is all they know of how relationships work.

I know that one day I will get a phone call to say he has killed my mother and likely himself because the more he gets away with his violent tantrums, the worse they get and the more frequent.

Your dog would not be so frightened by raised voices if this was once a year. Your daughter will out of there as soon as she can be and she and her siblings will have resentments towards you that you simply cannot fathom whilst you are prepared to minimise and excuse, and they will never go.

If you aren’t prepared to hold him accountable, rehome the dog and resign yourself to becoming an outsider in the lives of your christen and potential grandchildren because they will not want to be around either of you.

He should be reminded of what he is every single day by the absence of his family.

Is that what you'll tell your daughter when she picks a scumbag 'just like dad'?

That it 'only happens once a year'?

I'm sorry but you say you can't leave because you are dependent on him financially?

Who are you and your children going to be financially dependent on when he's in jail for assaulting or killing one of you?

You seriously need to talk to the police or women's aid. You have enough warning signs to prevent an incident where no one recovers. You cannot ignore this any longer. You are choosing finance over the safety and wellbeing of you and your children.

Sorry so harsh but you really need to see this for what it a actually is rather than putting your head in the sand.

Bloody awful behaviour. Sorry OP

If he does it once in a blue moon or weekly isn’t the point - this behaviour is abuse, and of course he wants to pretend nothings happened now.

If anyone hurt my dog and assaulted my child it would be the last time they ever spent a minute in my company.

You are asking your daughter to endure physical violence from her father, why? What sort of message is that giving to her? That she's less important than your violent husband. This is not the first time he's done this and it won't be the last, it doesn't matter how hard he works the rest of the time.

Next time he could kill one of you. Ring the Police and tell them the truth, your daughter and your dog need you to protect them.

I don't believe the "once a year and he's lovely the rest of the time" bullshit.

You've normalised his dreadful behaviour. I am sure there must be stuff you haven't mentioned. Call the police back and tell them the truth. Also, call Women's Aid and they will help you start getting a plan in place to leave safely.

He hasn't even bothered to apologise.
So he obviously thinks it's acceptable. Probably because it's only once a year.

That's not OK. That's a deal breaker.

I had an abusive childhood, all I learned was how to placate violent people, which worked great in my DV marriage.

He only started once a year, not too badly, until it was twice a year because he was stressed, then it was once a month but it was just for X reason, but he wasn't battering me it was 'just' a push, then a slap, then a punch, then 2...

I learned all the excuses and abuse was absolutely normal to me because my mother never protected me.

Your dd has already learned to downplay abuse to the police so a man she loves doesn't get into trouble. How you deal with this will teach her a lesson that will last a lifetime.

Call WA, they can help with everything from housing to benefits.

He sounds unhinged. I wouldn't care if it's 'only' once a year, he's dangerous and this kind of behaviour is seriously worrying. I genuinely wouldn't put up with it and would prioritise the safety of my DD and dog and leave him.

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

So he can control himself most of the time, why not in these times too?

Just so you know, mistreating the dog (or other animal) is testing your limits. Next time he will kill the dog, and maybe you or maybe the time after. I could not live with the stress, are you certain you can?

Can you phone the police now? Tell them you couldnt speak in front of him last night. Tell them what he did. Get him the fuck away from your dog and child.

Please please give your dog to somewhere it will be loved and cared for. It has no choice in this whereas you do.

You're teaching your daughter that this is how relationships are. You need to be strong for her even if you won't be for yourself. Show her that there's another way.

This is completely unacceptable. You live with a violent abuser. He's not going to improve.

Time to go OP....and has been for some time.

@lameasahorse

I am worried he will kill your dog next time.

Me too. He will kill it eventually. But OP needs his money so isn't leaving.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

I hope you are going to make sure it's the last time he brings the DC into it as well? Because he is gone or ye are! I do really feel for you because I'm dependant a lot on my STBX as well. I'm in a bad way TBH but determined to end the marriage. My son is worrying about me and he shouldn't have to be my STBX has been a lot of things but never aggressive, shouting or threatening to either of us, or not yet anyway! I'm scared stiff of what's ahead so I really get it but please, please this man is dangerous! Please get him away or get away yourselves and your poor dog!

Imagine this was happening to a really good friend of yours and their child. What advice would you give them? Would you tell them to speak to the police or leave? Then please apply that to yourself

He isn’t going to stop though, is he? You’ve said yourself that the gaps are getting shorter, he acts like nothing has happened afterwards and now he has escalated to attacking your daughter and your dog. So far he has had no real consequences to his actions so he has no reason to stop what he’s doing. Please, contact the police again and give them the real story, because otherwise he’ll act like he’s been given a green light to do what the heck he likes to any of you.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

Unlikely it’ll be the last time. Involving animals as also a massive red flag, www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Crumbs there won’t be any happy family events in your future with the grandkids all gathered if they have any sense they will all leave home and not look back. You should have let the police take him. Stop saying only once a year. It’s pathetic.