DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

@TweetTweetMF

Sorry but why are you putting your children in that position? You're no better than him if you let it slide

@TweetTweetMF

Domestic abuse is complicated. There are lots of reasons why victims stay in harmful relationships. Victim blaming comments are not helpful

@rogoueblue
Are you still there OP? Are you okay? Are DD and fig okay?
How are you feeling about things having read some of these responses and let the "dust settle" at home?

Christ even the dog in this family is traumatised.

OP please get some help and stay strong.

So the choice comes down to:
reliant on hm financially v yours and DC's wellbeing and safety?

Which is more important to you, his money or your DC not living in fear and risking being hurt one day?

(and by the way, 'his' money is marital money, so if you split you would be entitled to 50% as a starting point).

Please don't choose money over your children's wellbing.

He's a bully. I don't care if he's only done it once a year. That's once too often. Your poor daughter. Imagine how you'd feel if a stranger treated her like that in the street. Well it's a 1000 times worse when it's in your home and it's your dad doing it.

It isn't too late to contact the police and tell them you were too frightened to say anything in front of him.

Next time he could hurt you, your child, your dog. Why wait for him to do it?

And alcohol isn't an excuse. If alcohol made me act like that, I'd never drink aclohol again.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

That's abuse. Please protect your kids and your poor dog.

My mother's stepfather used to buy her pats and then kill them in front of her if she upset him.

She told me once (she was drunk - had an alcohol dependency) how he stamped a rabbit to death before her eyes.

He was a violent, physically, emotonally and financially abusive man who beat my grannie horribly and put her in hospital many a time.

My mam was an awful mother and I resented her for it - but when I learned something of her early life I realised why, His violence affected her emotionally and mentally as well as physically. She just couldn't cope with relationships of any kind.

Don't let your husband ruin your daughter's life like this. Get away from him, both of you, and take your poor dog, too. Animals often suffer horribly in domestic violence situations - and that's what this is, even if it only happens "occasionally".

And alcohol isn't an excuse. If alcohol made me act like that, I'd never drink aclohol again.

Exactly!

Alcohol is being used as an excuse - that's what he is but he blames the drink.

OMG, the victim blaming on this thread is awful, among some really helpful and insightful posts. No wonder OP has disappeared

If you're posting comments like "Can't believe you stayed. I'd have left the first time this happened", then I urge you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It will blow your mind

As a society, we really need a better understanding of domestic abuse. It's so much more complicated than many people realise

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Sorry but if was choice between protecting my DD or having DP carted off in a police car then there is no contest. DD's safety ins. I can't believe you put him above her. WTF?

*wins

I agree that you should tell the police what really happened.
I think you can email it to them if you don’t want to ring.

@rogoueblue he shoved you and your Dd and then pinned you to the stairs with his fists. That is not “just” verbal abuse. That’s physical.

You need to leave. Your 3 dc will have been permanently damaged by the abuse they’ve seen throughout their lives. They may enter toxic relationships because their parents’ toxic abusive relationship was their blueprint when developing their attachment styles.

You rely on him financially? That’s not a good enough reason to raise 3 dc in an abusive household. I feel sorry for your dc.

Leave this arsehole. Once is already too many times. He is dangerous. Your poor dog. What the hell are you waiting for OP? For him to kill your dog or punch you or your daughter? Makes me angry that you would even think you could look past this behaviour if it is occasional enough.

At the very least please rehome your poor dog. My parents took in a foster dog that came from an abusive household. The poor thing had two broken legs, a stab wound and a fractured jaw as a result of the dad getting pissed one night and beating her and his wife. Her physical wounds healed but she was petrified of tall men, raised voices, any form of fighting on television and many other things for the rest of her life. It was heartbreaking to watch. The ‘man’ in question went to prison and was banned for life from keeping any animals. My parents kept the dog.

You tell this cunt to pack his shit and fuck off. Permanently. He’s an absolute scumbag.

@notanothertakeaway

OMG, the victim blaming on this thread is awful, among some really helpful and insightful posts. No wonder OP has disappeared

If you're posting comments like "Can't believe you stayed. I'd have left the first time this happened", then I urge you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It will blow your mind

As a society, we really need a better understanding of domestic abuse. It's so much more complicated than many people realise

Hallelujah for some informed comments

@Maternitynamechange

So this is where you show your soon to be adult daughter what she can or can’t put up with in life, I’m afraid.

Yes, this. I am so sorry this is happening to you all: but even if you are willing to put up with this, would you want your DD treated like this by her partner?

You need to do something about this, just so your daughter sees that this is not ok.

If you're posting comments like "Can't believe you stayed. I'd have left the first time this happened"

OP has said she is financially reliant on him, probably doesn't take a detective to work this one out. On here people get slated for pointing out women should aim to stay financially independent but its a big factor in women being stuck to abusive men and subjecting their children to it.

Something has to change here and if you, yes you, keep doing the same things, then things won’t.

The balls in your court because he’s the one who wants to maintain the abuse cycle.

If your daughter was in such a relationship would you be explaining away her partner’s behaviour as “it only happens infrequently’, ‘he works a stressful 60 hour week job’ etc.

THIS HAS TO STOP! Not wanting to do the thing you should is not the same as not knowing what to do.

If you stay, you know it will happen again, you just don’t how it will end.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

And alcohol isn't an excuse. If alcohol made me act like that, I'd never drink aclohol again.

Exactly!

Alcohol is being used as an excuse - that's what he is but he blames the drink.

@SchadenfreudePersonified - it’s funny/strange re alcohol being the excuse!

I was at DM’s yesterday for a family and friends Easter lunch with a relative. We were talking and I mentioned us jokingly having a g&t for something - DP’s are teetotal now, their friends and family aren’t but drink far less. I do drink socially. Stepdad who drank loads for years before giving up approx 5 or more years ago made a flippant comment about not needing alcohol. Funny that he was always the one person who came to life with it, was a bit shy without it but it also turned his character from a fairly passive, interesting character into one who could go off on one at any given time.

I’m not saying I’ve been an angel when I’ve drunk alcohol either but seeing someone who’s meant to be a role model regularly lose it after drinking (and it’s seen as normal) as you grow up, it’s not good. Then again my grandad (mum’s mum) was I think a functioning alcoholic but never mentioned, seen as normal as he was continental, and if he flew into rages (he did too) it was just his character! He wasn’t abusive but unhappily married to his second wife.

Women are abused about forty times before they leave.
Because leaving seems like your life will be over financially and it'll be hard. And as scary as staying.
Lots of support places mentioned to talk to before you make a decision on your next step.

That is really shocking.

Don’t minimise it by the ‘once a year…’ or ‘the rest of the time he’s lovely…’

What a hideous environment for your daughter to grow up in. He needs to leave.

I would ask you to flip this situation one generation ahead.
How would you feel if this was your daughter and her husband, with your grandchildren witnessing it ?
It’s really not acceptable.
And the dog may well bite your ‘DH’ one day. No doubt the dog would be punished.

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

I’m sure one of the aforementioned older kids could help their mum out if their dad was so heartless as to cut her off.

This. As someone who grew up in a household like this, please stop normalising. He needs to go.

OP, I hope you’re okay. Print out the first thing you posted here and repeat it verbatim to the police. You, your daughter and your dog are not safe from this man