DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

@Shauny098 They weren't having a mutual argument, he just kicked off.

You need to identify what causes these blow ups and put a stop to them before they happen.

Not OP's job, she didn't do anything wrong.

Yes, I do, sometimes you need someone to tell you in black and white that you need to get off your arse and start acting.

I am very grateful to the solicitor who did this for me when I was still blindfolded with the idea that children are always better with both parents around when in fact that does not apply on situations of abuse, like this one, which is frankly much worse than anything I regrettably allowed my exH to do to my son.

@Shauny098

You need to identify what causes these blow ups and put a stop to them before they happen.

Women are not required to manage men's tempers or aggression. He's a big boy, he can leave the room or stop a conversation or end the relationship if he wants to 'blow up' by which you mean threaten to kill the family dog, push his wife and child, pin down his wife and tell her he is going to punch her.

Your boundaries are terrifying.

If you love and want to be with him I would be letting your husband know that what’s happened has now crossed a line and h needs to be thinking about anger management now. You need to identify what causes these blow ups and put a stop to them before they happen.

No this is not a healthy relationship.
It isn’t normal or ok.
You do not do this to your wife, child or dog.

Either you haven’t read the OP or you are in an abusive relationship yourself and you have been brainwashed into thinking it’s acceptable to treat someone you love like this.

Ask Women's Aid to help you make a leaving plan. They won't push you into doing it, they'll give you support and advice.

In the meantime, talk to your children individually ortogether - but obvs without him - and get their pov on their experiences of their father's rage.

It sounds to me like he's escalating - level of violence, involving your dd and the dog.

I'm really not confident you're safe. Please call the police as soon as you can on their non-emergency number and tell the dv officer exactly what happened.

@Shauny098, none of your advice applies in a situation of domestic violence.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’ve hidden your post as it quotes another hidden post in full.
MNHQ will assess in the morning and it may be reinstated (without the quoted post)

[quote NiteWotcha]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I’ve hidden your post as it quotes another hidden post in full.
MNHQ will assess in the morning and it may be reinstated (without the quoted post)
[/quote]
Completely understand, thanks @NiteWotcha and appreciate you acting on that PPs post so quickly.

I would have let police take him away to let him know physical abuse is a no no even though may be wouldn't press charges. I believe he does this repeatedly because you have tolerated it and not done anything about it. The problem is you don't know if next time he'll pick a knife and stab one of you.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

That means it's escalating. That's a pattern of domestic abuse. It escalates every time. If I were you I would be very scared. You are living with a dangerous man.

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

The thing is it's not normal. Stop minimising domestic abuse

@rogoueblue

It genuinely is once a year, thereabouts. I’m not saying that to downplay it, it’s the truth. It’d be easier to understand if it was more often. The frequency of the outbursts haven’t gotten shorter as the years have passed.

If you wait for next year's episode you, your child or the dog may not survive.

The thing is it's not normal. Stop minimising domestic abuse

@Ohya she isnt, she is minimising HER abuse, which as a survivor I can tell you that sometimes its the only way to make it from one day to the next. It isnt as simple "Oh, randoms on MN tell me I am being abused....ok then...I will leave" If it was, abuse would never last longer than the first slap.

The OP needs time to process and accept what it happening to her and her children, it takes time. I am sure that she is a great advocate for abused women, but what she is struggling with is accepting that she in fact one of them, I know that I was raising money for Womens Aid and Refuge whilst still convinced I didnt need either organisation because it "wasnt that bad".

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

You have to show your children that even if you are reliant on someone financially, that if they do this, you end the relationship.

Please don't show your daughters this is acceptable or to be put up with. My mother allowed my father to be all kinds of awful and I'm more unhappy with her about it than him. She had the ability to get us out of that situation but chose not to. I wish she'd shown us that we didn't deserve to be treated like that.

"We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. "
Who tf would do this except an abuser?
Doesn't matter how often a person is abusive, if the threat is there, it lingers.
Please carefully contact Women's aid or similar organisation for advice.
Don't leave suddenly.
Sorry that you are in this situation.
Please don't make excuses for him.
You deserve to feel safe.

WHY DOESNT SHE JUST LEAVE?

So easy to say....

This article is about psychological abuse but ALL abuse is psychological even if it includes physical financial and sexual abuse.

This is why we dont "just" leave.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mind-games/201806/putting-rest-why-doesnt-she-just-leave

My mum raised 5 children on her own. My siblings and I are all successful people and we appreciate the sacrifice mum made to ensure we had a roof over our head.
You CAN raise your children in a safe environment without fear of violence from their abusive father.. you just have to do it, otherwise you run the risk of of further more extreme actions from him and, traumatising your children.

This is why we dont "just" leave.

So, she should stay?

I don't think anyone is saying it will be easy, but the OP needs to get out of this situation and there is help and support out there. It sounds like it has been going on for a very long time. It's sad to read. I hope the OP will reach out for RL help.

@TigerLilyTail

This is why we dont "just" leave.

So, she should stay?

I don't think anyone is saying it will be easy, but the OP needs to get out of this situation and there is help and support out there. It sounds like it has been going on for a very long time. It's sad to read. I hope the OP will reach out for RL help.

Of course she shouldnt stay, but I am monumentally pissed off at the idea that she should "just" leave and the word JUST it used a lot in reference to DV victims/survivors. Nothing is "just" anything when you are living that life.

It really isnt that simple. The OP is copping on, if she wasnt she wouldnt have posted on here. Posting on MN about my DV was the first step in my getting rid but it took about another 4 years before I managed it.

It takes 7 attempts for a woman to leave an abusive relationship, ON AVERAGE, which means that for every woman that leaves after the first slap it takes another woman 14 goes. Kids, money, housing, family, work....... it all seems to insurmountable. Especially when you are trying to leave a man who has spent years convincing you that you can't do anything without him. The cycle of abuse mentioned above is bang on, everytime they hit you they then follow that up with "I am sorry, I will never do it again" and then love bomb you, and because you want it to be true, you believe them.

I am saying that although the OP needs to get out with her DD, we need to understand that its not that simple for her. She needs time to process and accept what is the reality of the abuse she has spent many years minimising.