DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

I grew up in a home like this, although the outbursts and rage were a weekly occurrence, and most parties and family gatherings were ruined by alcohol and violent arguments.

My Dad was never held to account. The Police were never called. Every Friday and Saturday night was the same with the arguments, and Sunday he would go drinking from Noon and return about 330pm for his Sunday dinner. We knew that we all had to be very careful not to upset him. Mum never left him, and they never really stopped arguing, right up until she died.

My Dad is now 80, and there is no acknowledgment of the past. He sometimes muses about how he was "an angry young man", which he follows up with a little chuckle. How he thinks it's funny is beyond me. I think he's blanked most of it out.

He calls me every day, and I sometimes feel outrage that I am now expected to be ready to speak to him at any time (he will call repeatedly until I pick up), and do his weekly food shop.

I have chosen to live a very peaceful life, and I can't bear arguing. I certainly wouldn't pick a fight with my adult children or ruin parties!

My Sister, on the other hand, has taken up where he left off. She is aggressive, always looking for trouble, always ruins any family occasions by kicking off, does all of this in front of her 2 young children, who are now living the same childhood that we did.

My advice would be to leave, however, I realise you can't do so immediately, because you rely on him financially. I think there are just 2 options here :

1. Get a job, figure out the finances and leave him.

1. Stay - and live like this right in to your old age.

What sounds best to you?

@rogoueblue the fact that your husband only does this once a year doesn’t make it ok. It’s still abusive behaviour whatever the cause is. Don’t allow this to be hidden away and forgotten about.

Keep thinking about your DD and your DDog and imagine how traumatic last night must have been for them. Don’t bother discussing it with your abuser because you know that he will do it again. Be clear in your mind that if he wanted to get anger management for his temper, he would have done it the first time.

He was sufficiently aggressive for a stranger to think you were in danger of serious harm. You need to be aware that the nasty, bully IS the real him and no amount of ‘nice’ behaviour makes up for it.

YaBVU to not have told the police the truth You are reaching your childr n that it's ok to be abused Stop making excuses for him

OP has gotten the art of keeping her husband calm to perfection. Years of avoiding his triggers, agreeing with his opinions, defending him, protecting, excusing, soothing.

Then teenaged daughter has a normal, noisy argument with Mum, and even though they deal with it appropriately, with the daughter going off to cool down, suddenly husband decides that HIS peace has been affected and he has the right to go full bully tantrum on her.

OP realises that there has been a breach of the usual arrangements to keep him happy and fears the consequences. She runs upstairs to try to placate him. She fears for the daughter and the pet, now that he has erupted.

When police intervene, she has to go back to managing, excusing, denying the problem.

He has demonstrated to his family that they'd better work harder to keep him happy in future, or else! He has also proved that everyone needs to protect him from any consequences or challenge to his controlling behaviour.

This will continue indefinitely unless he is forced to leave. It is not her fault. It is almost impossibly hard to do this alone.

Leave him. By staying you're showing your DDs that this is acceptable behaviour. You're better than that.

I’m sure one of the aforementioned older kids could help their mum out if their dad was so heartless as to cut her off

What? She’s a grown woman, she can work and likely get benefits. There is no need for anyone to pay for her other than the tax payer.

He can control his temper at work, at his mums, at his mates. He doesn’t chase random 18 year old girls down in the street to attack them. So he’s doing this on purpose, he’s terrorising your family on purpose

Please read this over and over again. A part of him IS in control because he never attacks his boss or his mates, does he? That makes it even more chilling. He's not unable to control himself. He thinks that he's entitled to behave that way. That makes him really dangerous OP.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Btw like another poster I experienced a couple of similar episodes like this as a child, nowhere near as bad as yours but still terrifying, and it has affected my life negatively too, in terms of my boundaries and expectations of relationships. Don't let this continue.

I also grew up in a household like this.

Genuine question. Who's responsibility is it to protect the children in this type of environment?

OP if you decide to put up with this horrible man yourself, please at least rehome your poor dog and help your daughter find somewhere safe to live. I really hope you can find the strength to leave.

OP - you have minimised this because you've found a way to live with this. If you dont think he's likely to explode again this weekend, you can take a bit of time. Do you have any friends or family you can call and tell them what happened. Do that today. Dont let it be a secret. Make sure his family know as well that he was shouting so loudly that a stranger outside the house called the police and you lied to them so they wouldn't take him away. Dont let him hide this.

Throw light on the situation. Otherwise by next weekend you'll have mentally moved on and that will be it for another year.

Other than wanting to pretend it didn't happen, what has he done? He doesn't see that his behaviour is a problem then it will happen again.

surely that poor dog wouldnt be shaking and distressed if this "only" happened once a year ?

So he does this once a year and you just sweep it under the rug until the next time? And your DD has gone for god knows how long witnessing you enabling, excusing and ignoring the abuse, to the point where she probably thinks this is normal now and that will profoundly affect her choices in future partners and because all she’s seen is her main role model accept abuse, she will statistically follow suit. What an absolute crying shame you’ve utterly utterly let her down.

I would say leave but you’ve already said you won’t because of financial reasons which is rubbish. Money doesn’t matter when you’re dead does it? Which is what could happen next time. If you actually wanted to leave, you would have by now. If this episode - where he nearly killed the bloody dog, pinned you down and had the police around - isn’t enough for you to see the light then you’re never going to leave. He’s not even sorry for Christ sake!

So what were you hoping to get out of this post?

He's been abusing you and your dd for years and you haven't left ?
Please leave. Get your family and dog away from
Him.

You have to face your reality. He assaulted you. You have to press charges, if not for you - for your daughter. She's eighteen, do you want her to spend her life with a Man or a Woman who loses their temper and assaults her? As someone else stated, you're essentially teaching her that it's okay to act this way when it isn't.

It doesn't matter if its "Only once a year" As my old Gran said "If he does it once he'll do it again" Please for the love of your child. Kick him out and get help

OP I do hope you come back to this thread.

You need to think about how you are going to leave.

You are in a better position as many as your children are older now, so it’s easier for you to leave.

How are you financially dependent on him?
Will he not let you work?

Does he WFH or is he out for most of the day?

Your children will be more aware of his violent behaviour than you are, so I would go and visit them and apologise for allowing them to grow up in this environment and see if they can give your other DD a place to stay.

I would also go and visit any family and friends you have and tell them what’s happened and you need somewhere to stay for a couple of months into you get back on your feet and can find a job.

Please be aware that he probably will have a tracker on your phone and maybe even your car.

Please call women’s aid as they will help you.

There are also many charities that foster pets from these situations until you find somewhere permanent to live, as pets are always what about abuser uses to keep his family in line. It’s often the abusers idea to get the pet simply to have more control over that person.
Unfortunately it’s usually the pets that get injured or killed as a result.

You have made a great first step by posting on here so you must know it’s not right.
Now you need to keep going as this is unforgivable.

I hope you are ok op! Please come back and tell us how you are! There are hundreds of people answering your post trying to give advice and they are essential worried about you and your child and dog! Please get help! You deserve so much better you all do!

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

But he has now- this is escalation and it's classic. Also has he done that to the dog before? Probably not but the dog is clearly scared of him so there has been lower level stuff building up to it. Next time he will hurt the dog and/or you. The time after it might be your daughter. How far does it need to go before you draw the line?

Haven't read all the posts as long, just op replies. Even if once a year, this can only impact on the relationship as a whole for the rest of the year. I'm doubting there is much affection between episodes, there will be a lot of resentment on both sides. So quite a miserable existence has been carved out over a long period of time. In fact if once a year, that implies that it's been going on for years, I'm guessing it started when you started having children. Some men can't deal with no longer being the centre of attention in a household, don't want your affection shared with others.
You shouldn't have to manage his outbursts, but clearly screaming at him after one is not the way to go. Matching someone's anger and volume escalates the situation, which is what happened.
You say you are financially reliant on him, but as he is a long-standing H, he would be obligated to financially support you in divorce and all assets would be divided up making you less reliant and more in control and independent in the future. Being self-employed, he probably can hide to a degree what he earns which may well affect ongoing payments, but if your youngest is now 18, just having half the assets would likely suffice along with any work you may be able to do to keep you ticking along. You are not as reliant on him as you think you are, your life could be a whole lot better if you separate.

He needs therapy you need to leave.

Imagine your friend was telling you this about their partner. I know that you would never say to her 'but he's fine most of the time'. You would never say that because you know how relationships work and it doesn't matter how okay someone is most of the time when they're abusive a certain points. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero. You need to work out why you think your worth less than other people that it's acceptable for you to tolerate abuse, and now your dd.

Hopefully OP hasn't been back because she's taking action. I do worry that it might escalate if she confronts him though so hopefully she returns even if just ti let us know she's ok

That was awful to read. What would you say to your daughter if she had a partner who did that? I also wonder if this happens a lot more than once a year for your dog to be shaking at raised voices…please get help to get you all safe.

I just don’t agree with the “he’s done it once he’ll never change” opinions, and “once is too many”.

@Shauny098 This isn't the first time though, it's just the worst so far.