DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Sorry PyongYKB - keep having to hide your messages as they quote a hidden post…

@rogoueblue

I hope you're ok rougue, quite the onslaught from some posters, it's very different when you've been in the situation and know how hard the realisation can be to know the man you love is abusive.

It will get worse.

But you probably know this, keeping his temper at bay will become harder. The life ahead is going to throw some hard obstacles on the way, children growing up disobeying, older age, mid life criseses, illnesses, menopause and your flagging energy levels which will contribute to you not providing the perfect life for him not to explode.

I can imagine you have run yourself ragged trying to keep this man sweet and organising life to run smoothly so as not to annoy him.

Well, get this because these types of men get worse, no matter what you do or how hard you try there comes a time when logic no longer comes into arguments, there will be a point where he becomes invincible in his thoughts and actions, there may well be a trigger, for my husband it was my illness and his affair.

I realised his temper tantrums over the years were not really stress, they were abuse, designed with one thing in mind, control. You must read these posts and understand even though you say it is spasmodic, it is only because you do not fight back, you do not question his authority, you are compliant and useful.

Really, he's not a kind man is he, he can't be, there must be an undercurrent of cruelty about him for him to explode in this abusvive manner.

Think back, the first time he ever showed this side to himself, you knew didn't you that he was capable of hurting you whether physically or emotionally. Does he give you the silent treatment ?

I bet he will if you don't forgive him for this episode, lets just brush it under the carpet and forget about it till next time.
The resentment will grow in you, unresolved conflict will kill you, if he doesn't first.

Don't be affraid to post, this has shocked you, and us, but you need to keep talking and gaining support to help you become stronger in what you should and shouldn't put up with.
x

Why on Earth did the police think it appropriate to quiz you on whether you were being abused by your husband right in front of him?

They shouldn’t have asked you about what had happened even within earshot/sight of each other. Utterly appalling of the police, I am sorry that you were failed by them, and I’m not surprised that you felt unable to speak up.

Please, please call them to log the incident. I also strongly suggest you put in a complaint whilst you are at it, as reporting malpractice by the police when they are attending a domestic violence incident scene is likely to save another woman’s life.

If you don’t feel ready to pursue charges against your H now, you may very well thank yourself in future for having at least logged this incident now.

Please do this as a precautionary measure for both you and for your children.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this for so many years, OP. Please look into resources to get the necessary support as others have suggested, and talk to a trusted friend about it.

Would you be happy for your daughter to be in this relationship with her partner?

@Maternitynamechange

So this is where you show your soon to be adult daughter what she can or can’t put up with in life, I’m afraid.

It's true OP Unfortunately, I grew up in a household where my dad behaved like this. I'm now a single parent due to leaving my abusive ex. I know it's hard as he's probably alright most of the time and none of you want him to get into trouble with the police. I hope you'll all be ok, I imagine your nerves are shot.

I felt sick reading this op. I hope you get the courage to leave.

Why do you put up with it? You should have told the police exactly what he did & had him arrested. It must be like living with an unexploded bomb, you have just shown your dd that you have to put up with domestic violence. Ring the police & make a statement & show your dh that you no longer accept his behaviour.

I know it's scary and overwhelming, but you need to either call the police back or go in to see them and tell them exactly what (really) happened. They will understand why you weren't able to tell the truth before. It doesn't matter if this is once a year or once every ten years, if this sort of abuse goes unchecked it will only continue to escalate (as it already has) and one day there is a chance that they unimaginable happens and he will go too far, and then your children will no longer have you to walk them through life or keep them safe.

Once a year does not make this okay. He is dangerous. What would you say if it was your daughter or best friend in your shoes? Leave. Let them see you find the strength you needed to keep yourself safe and to keep them safe when they needed you. Show them that this isn't what love looks like. Show them they can trust you to keep them and the dog safe. If you can't do it for you, do it for them.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP. Sending you a huge hug

I grew up with this kind of behaviour. I’ve needed therapy, I am no contact with my dad, and for many years I considered having nothing to do with my mum who I felt prioritised him over us and failed to protect us. She didn’t leave until I was approaching 30 and one of the triggers was that I chose not to expose my own children to this behaviour and limited her contact with her grandchildren when she lived with him. The frequency doesn’t really matter, it creates a fear that lasts all year round and these events your children will remember for the rest of their lives. And the cowards always target the dogs.

My mum left seven years ago and it has taken us that time to rebuild our own relationship. I am so proud of her for leaving but i wish she could have done it sooner, the damage this does to children and their relationship with the non abusive parent often isn’t evident until early adulthood when both me and my 2 siblings massively struggled. She also stayed due to financial concerns but is doing amazingly now.

@hban

I grew up with this kind of behaviour. I’ve needed therapy, I am no contact with my dad, and for many years I considered having nothing to do with my mum who I felt prioritised him over us and failed to protect us. She didn’t leave until I was approaching 30 and one of the triggers was that I chose not to expose my own children to this behaviour and limited her contact with her grandchildren when she lived with him. The frequency doesn’t really matter, it creates a fear that lasts all year round and these events your children will remember for the rest of their lives. And the cowards always target the dogs.

My mum left seven years ago and it has taken us that time to rebuild our own relationship. I am so proud of her for leaving but i wish she could have done it sooner, the damage this does to children and their relationship with the non abusive parent often isn’t evident until early adulthood when both me and my 2 siblings massively struggled. She also stayed due to financial concerns but is doing amazingly now.

I relate to this. My mother had independent finances so staying was really her choice. The kicker was that I was considered a problem because of my fear reaction to my father. I have never forgotten this and never will. Even now my mother often blames my father for things that he has done while she stands by enabling. She asked me once, when I visited as an adult, to just be easy if he came home in a mood. I refused to allow that treatment of myself which is 'being difficult' on my part. I'm determined that my children will learn boundaries are okay and no-one has the right to treat them badly.

@SpreadingTheLove

Oh my god I am SO glad I don’t know you! I couldn’t imagine showing my children that I would protect their father abusing them over their well-being, and that of a dog. Then try and pass it off as it happening once a year is acceptable. Won’t be long until your children want to leave your family home too and who is to blame… you!!

A man verbally and physically abused two women, and you call fault with the woman? Have a fucking word with yourself, and maybe do some learning around the effect of domestic abuse and why the OP probably reacted the way she did.

OP, there is some excellent advice up thread about contacting Women's Aid and steps you can take from there. Please do that. I doubt it's a coincidence that you're financially dependent on your husband; he'll know that if you you rely on him to meet that basic need, you're more likely to tolerate his "outbursts" (abuse). I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I would get DD into another living situation with the dog ASAP.

It's your choice to stay in that environment (you shouldn't), but DD shouldn't have to endure that.

Can't believe you've stayed and exposed your children to this. It will have fucked them up.

You need to leave OP.

Fucking hell, you need to leave!!! He probably will kill the dog one day. Animal cruelty, It is a sign of an abuser and dud you tell this to the police as they use the use of abuse to animals when determining risk?

I can believe you've stayed. It's only once a year.

But...

It only needs to be once a year. After he's had his yearly outburst, you're shaken up, then that wears off. Then you get back to normal. And then you kind of forget about it because it was only once/it doesn't happen all the time. And then at some unpredictable moment it happens again.

However, you've not actually forgotten about it in that middle time, have you? There will be little moments when you're not sure if he'll start up again. You ran up after him because you recognised the signs. That means there are signs and you know in the back of your mind to look out for them. The fact you prioritised him in your responses to the police indicates you were likely in shock but also that you likely prioritise him in other ways. Which is normal if someone behaves like he does.

So he doesn't need to do it more than once a year, because just that already means the back of your mind is tracking him a lot if the time, especially if he's not in a good mood (as everybody can be).

I agree with others that the police shouldn't have spoken to both of you together (what were they thinking?!). What he did was really, really bad. He deserved to be removed by the police. Even if he had only done it once. He should never, ever do any of that and there's no excuse for it. Not even one time. And you know that, because you know they'd have removed him.

Try to go to the police and tell them what really happened. It's not being disloyal.

You probably feel numb and trapped because you’re financially dependent on him. Is there a way you can go back to work even part time to start to stash some savings away? If you needed to get out quickly, do you have family/friends to stay with? Are you eligible for any government benefits? If you sold the house would it allow you enough to buy a small flat and some savings? Sometimes there’s agency’s that offer free legal advice to women, they might be able to help. DV helplines might be a good place to start looking for help. Once you know your options it can be easier to think how to get out.

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

He should have been carted off. Raised voices and shouting are terrifying for many dogs- Poor dog being ill treated as a pawn in shouty, grabby arguments..

A neighbour must have called the police, thinking serious harm was going down.

Leave.
Or get him to.

Try to find calmer ways to communicate with the DC for everyone’s sakes.

@cavalatete

I can believe you've stayed. It's only once a year.

But...

It only needs to be once a year. After he's had his yearly outburst, you're shaken up, then that wears off. Then you get back to normal. And then you kind of forget about it because it was only once/it doesn't happen all the time. And then at some unpredictable moment it happens again.

However, you've not actually forgotten about it in that middle time, have you? There will be little moments when you're not sure if he'll start up again. You ran up after him because you recognised the signs. That means there are signs and you know in the back of your mind to look out for them. The fact you prioritised him in your responses to the police indicates you were likely in shock but also that you likely prioritise him in other ways. Which is normal if someone behaves like he does.

So he doesn't need to do it more than once a year, because just that already means the back of your mind is tracking him a lot if the time, especially if he's not in a good mood (as everybody can be).

I agree with others that the police shouldn't have spoken to both of you together (what were they thinking?!). What he did was really, really bad. He deserved to be removed by the police. Even if he had only done it once. He should never, ever do any of that and there's no excuse for it. Not even one time. And you know that, because you know they'd have removed him.

Try to go to the police and tell them what really happened. It's not being disloyal.

Great post. Our Dad would erupt sporadically, and it was terrifying as a child.

You are choosing to stay and this will effect your relationship with your children and future grandchildren when they leave the family home.

Fucking hell @rogoueblue that is so dangerous and abusive.

Call the police and report it properly.

You need to break up your family before someone dies.

Your poor dog.

Protect your family. This is horrific.

It isn't 'once a year' if you spend the rest of the year waiting for it to happen again. Men use arbitrary rage and violence as a way to control you. You will live on eggshells, in fear. Your daughters will know no different. The fear is all year round.

@rogoueblue

Re the dog suffering-
Abusers can and do hurt animals as a way to “ Get at” the other family members.

As a dog small enough to be picked up, it will be easy for a man to kill the poor terrified animal.

It’s not a safe home to be in.

Get back to the police, and tell them truthfully what happened.

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

Poor kids, and yet you stay with him. This is setting a terrible example to your daughter as well, children internalise a lot about their parents relationship, and this is saying staying with an abusive man is fine. He sounds vile.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

Why did you tell the police it was verbal and nothing to worry about when clear it was getting physical and it is worrying you sufficiently to ask for opinions from strangers. He needs anger management- it’s irrelevant that it doesn’t happen often, an explosion like that could have tragic results. He can’t control himself and he should do something about that.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

"He can't control himself...."

Oh but he absolutely can control himself. Yelling, screaming and shouting is a choice

Does he shout at his Mum? His clients? Neighbours? I doubt it

Abusers are totally in control of their behaviour, just like the rest of us