I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

OP, your mum's reasons to stay are different from yours. You do have choices but it may take time. Your husband is not invested in the marriage either.

I hope you find the courage to leave and don't wait 10 or so years.

Companies hire people with disabilities or life limiting problems don't let your injury dissuade you from working so you can leave you sound truly unhappy I couldn't stay that way for another decade.

If it's true that he's depressed or unhappy because of me then he can leave? That would do us both a favour.

Why is it that you think that him leaving would be good, and yet you are unwilling to end the relationship yourself because of the effect you think it would have on the children's lives?

The op doesn't want to share custody of her kids. This is a very valid fear now that 50/50 is so common. It's pretty crappy for the kids too. I can see why she's stayed.

I was in an extremely unhappy marriage - your DH shared some traits with my ex. My saving Grace was that I found a wonderful job and was able to provide for myself independently. I divorced and am loving life. Don’t waste your life away like this. I can’t tell you how much I’ve grown as a person since divorcing. It was a long process but worth it. I was a shadow of my vibrant self in my marriage.

I can't tell you the insidious effect my parents' marriage has had on me. No real angst but no real love or affection either. The dawning realisation as I got a bit older. The kick in the gut of seeing other people's parents act like they actually like each other, holding hands. The years of my dad just completely being checked out but providing so we all felt guilty for feeling so distant from him. The obvious affair no one ever talked about. The years of will they/won't they split and then the telephone call saying my Dad was leaving as I sat alone in my uni halls the second week of university. They'd only driven together to drop me off 10 days before.
The knowledge that my Dad wanted to end it since I was three but 'did it for us' (ie. he was an absolute coward). The effort my Mum put in. The lack of any warmth or connection at the core of my family.
My whole childhood being ripped up just as I entered the adult world so I had no point of reference, no home to go back to. The role reversal of me supporting my parents as they split rather than the other way round. My brother's life crashing off course as he truly didn't see it coming and thought so highly of my Dad.
How I can't trust in relationships now as I always doubt their hiding something, playing a role. I can't trust that the outside matches the inside. I don't believe anyone can stay happy long term. I think children ruin marriages. My parents are both happier with new partners now but the bitterness that they can have new relationships but I only get one set of parents, and one childhood, and they honestly fucked it up for me.
Majority of my friends' parents divorced when they were younger and they have all had less ill-effects than me, as they for space to adjust, they for time to build something on the other side before being alone in the world. They were able to navigate new relationships while still having involved parents and continuity.
You are kidding yourself if you think extra-curricular activities are what make a good childhood, or that adult children are resistant to the effects of divorce.
Sort it out now OP. You're not doing right by anyone involved.

@Beecham

The op doesn't want to share custody of her kids. This is a very valid fear now that 50/50 is so common. It's pretty crappy for the kids too. I can see why she's stayed.

She says he's completely disengaged from the kids apart from paying for them, so 50:50 sounds unlikely.

[quote Pizzandchips]@Jackdawface in my op I said that he has become like this. He was NOTHING like this when we met or for the first ten years of our relationship. I chose to have kids with him because I loved him so much. He is not that man any more[/quote]
Ten years is a long time - what was he like during those years?

It seems like you have been manoeuvred into a position that suits him, a subordinate one. I'm sorry OP, but I think some men, maybe a lot of men, have a dominant streak in them that lies dormant until children arrive. Once they get a taste of 1950s pipe & slippers domesticity, a life where they barely have to lift a finger to spend time with their own offspring, they grow to quite like it, even tolerate little or no sex to maintain it.

Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes - there's no excuse for this. No showering?? What a bad example to set the children.

I'd go over your C.V and start speaking to job agencies. There are more jobs you can do from home now. You'll still need to find childcare obviously as you can't be distracted, but it might be easier for you if they allow flexible hours as well. Not sure if you want to work with him in the house though!

At some point you will need to take some responsibility for your financial independence so I would suggest you start now. The cost of childcare is down to both you and your husband so there is no reason it should be taken from any income you make. He has worn you down and made you dependent on him and that is no way to live your life for the next 8 to 10 years or however long your children will be dependent on you. You also cannot go through that time expecting an inheritance as that is not a given. Quite apart from possible care costs your parents could live for another 10, 15 or even 20 years and by then you will have no pension, no financial independence and a whole lot of wasted years. Your mothers view is skewed because of her own experience but you are living in a different time when women do not have to put up with this. Set a good example for your children and take control of your life. They wont thank you for the wasted unhappy years just for the sake of a few toys and extra curricular activities. He will still have to provide for them even if you separated.

leave, for the benefit of your children and your relationship with them. Are you really wanting them to thin "My mother stayed so we could have some nice material things while she felt trapped and depressed and hated her life"
your kids may not think it now, but getting their mother at her best will be far more beneficial for them in their future lives. Show them what is really important in life, starting with breaking old cycles.

If your kids are under 10, you've got another 10- 15 years of this, possibly more if they don't leave home at 18. That's a long time to be miserable. It's certainly going to have an impact on you.

A job would give you your own money and connections to other people. It would give you independence. Even if initially your wage covers childcare, that won't always be the case. Work towards how you can get your own life. The sooner you start, the sooner you can leave.

I think you need to take responsibility for your own life. Stop blaming others for your unhappiness and do something about it. Your husband is probably unhappy too and it's not his job to support you. I think waiting til the kids are 18 is a shit thing to do. You're deceiving your husband and using him for money and then holding your kids responsible for what happened. Just split now and get a job.

@AmericanStickInsect

I can't tell you the insidious effect my parents' marriage has had on me. No real angst but no real love or affection either. The dawning realisation as I got a bit older. The kick in the gut of seeing other people's parents act like they actually like each other, holding hands. The years of my dad just completely being checked out but providing so we all felt guilty for feeling so distant from him. The obvious affair no one ever talked about. The years of will they/won't they split and then the telephone call saying my Dad was leaving as I sat alone in my uni halls the second week of university. They'd only driven together to drop me off 10 days before. The knowledge that my Dad wanted to end it since I was three but 'did it for us' (ie. he was an absolute coward). The effort my Mum put in. The lack of any warmth or connection at the core of my family. My whole childhood being ripped up just as I entered the adult world so I had no point of reference, no home to go back to. The role reversal of me supporting my parents as they split rather than the other way round. My brother's life crashing off course as he truly didn't see it coming and thought so highly of my Dad. How I can't trust in relationships now as I always doubt their hiding something, playing a role. I can't trust that the outside matches the inside. I don't believe anyone can stay happy long term. I think children ruin marriages. My parents are both happier with new partners now but the bitterness that they can have new relationships but I only get one set of parents, and one childhood, and they honestly fucked it up for me. Majority of my friends' parents divorced when they were younger and they have all had less ill-effects than me, as they for space to adjust, they for time to build something on the other side before being alone in the world. They were able to navigate new relationships while still having involved parents and continuity. You are kidding yourself if you think extra-curricular activities are what make a good childhood, or that adult children are resistant to the effects of divorce. Sort it out now OP. You're not doing right by anyone involved.

Gosh, AmericanSI what a brilliant user name! And what a tale.

I am very sorry your parents stuck with the charade - so selfish and lazy. And damaging. for you dear soul.

Now here's the thing: Children don't ruin marriages. Children just have to survive the cards they are dealt. Some have a wonderful hand, a gilded hand, a happy hand, many others not so much.

But each and every child is an important piece of the fabric of this world.

Ditch being angry or sad. Your parents' past isn't imprinted on you forever. Don't flip flop between the past and the future. Fuck that. Forge ahead. Have children of your own perhaps.You will love them and they will love you back.

All of what @AmericanStickInsect posted...I went through much the same when I'd just turned 21. My father had already tried to dump my mother, myself and my two brothers on the other side of the world when I was 11...even though my mother had found out on the day it was supposed to happen, she still didn't leave him...and put me and my brothers through another 10 years of hell.

My father left for another woman when my younger brother turned 18. He's been married to her since, for 32 years. My mother never had another relationship, even though she was only 47 when he left. She's now 80 and is even more bitter and angry than she was the day it happened. Neither myself or my brothers have had children of our own, and now we are all in our 50s.

Your mother’s decision to stay are impacting on how you now view your choices in life. Maybe you have never had independence and future-planning modelled to you. You need to look hard within yourself to figure out what you want and what you can do to create a new future. I’m very sorry to hear about your accident, which seems to have scuppered your working life. I hope you can take advantage of better opportunities these days to work, be that remotely or with fewer physical demands. I agree with pp that you need to get working asap, first foot on the ladder, and get some of your own money coming in, plus it will greatly improve your finances in later years.

Have you ever tried to rekindle your relationship with your husband? Go on a holiday together, just the two of you? And see how it turns out?

Just a quick thing to consider in it all...you say that you can't provide as well for the children if you leave, and that may be true, materially. But one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, far better than "things," is a happy, vital, interested mother. And they know. THEY KNOW. They always know. They know you are unhappy and resentful. I think that it's better to come FROM a broken home than to live IN one.

It's quite a great thing to know that your children have a stable, well-resourced childhood. I guess you have some freer time, during the day, to do your own thing; meet friends; do hobbies. Your existence isn't clouded by his shadow, all day long. Maybe go to counselling - on your own, if he won't go.

I know several people who have waited for their DC to become independent before leaving. I understand totally OP.
It IS possible to live alongside someone out of convenience (unless of course they are abusive/drunk etc).
I also understand how splitting up is actually worse for the DC. People say it is worse to stay but I disagree. Sharing custody doesn’t always work.

If my kids are upset regarding us separating when they are older I will tell them the truth that I had to stay married so that they would be provided for otherwise their lives wouldnt have been so nice. If they can't deal with that there's nothing I can do really. I feel as if I am sacrificing my happiness and my own life so they have a stable childhood
So what? You want their gratitude? Their guilt? This is so fucked up.

What about the damage you are inflicting on your children NOW. Teaching them that this is what they should aspire to and accept. Like your mum did. A shit cycle continuing on because that is what you choose to teach them. This being their 'normal' because you want to pretend you are doing this for them?

OP, serious question. How do you expect them to have fulfilling and happy relationships and lives if they've never actually seen one?

I have always read that contempt is the thing a marriage really cannot survive. Yes, separating will be hard but ultimately it will be much less suffering for you, yes, and your kids, than staying in a marriage like this. I fear this much negativity will harm you as well, and twist how you feel about other things over time.

Your DH does sound like he’s depressed to me. Not that you care, as you’ve made quite clear. You don’t actually sound very nice to me. Waiting for your parents to die so that you can leave your sham of a marriage is really cold. I feel sorry for your kids stuck in such an unhappy household, but I don’t feel sorry for you.

Your mother's advice is rubbish. You don't have to put up with being treated like a servant in your own home, by a man who is lazy and selfish. It isn't OK and the most sensible response to that is to separate from him.

You are taking your mother's advice and your mother's lead. So imagine years in the future, that's what your own children will do. They will follow their mother's lead. Is that what you want for them? Do you want them to stay in a bad relationship? If you have a daughter, do you want her to think she should just suck it up and accept being unhappy in her relationship? That a woman's job is to serve her man and children and home? To the detriment of her own happiness and wellbeing? If you have a son, do you want him to turn out like his dad?

There are far more important things in life than a fancy home and nice holidays.

You know you shouldn't be with him. It's why you daydream about him leaving you. Why do you think that would be OK, but you can't leave him? If it's the guilt of being the one to make the decision to split, then you can ignore that feeling. There should be no guilt in leaving a bad relationship and taking you and building a better life for you and your children.

I think that women who “stay for the children” often forget that their husbands can have enough and leave at any given time. When it comes to staying in dead relationships, it is said that women leave when they are fed up and men when they find someone else.

Three words

Get a job

Never be financially reliant on a man
And ignore your mum . She knows no better

Get back to work as build financial independence