I absolutely despise my husband.. That is all!!

[Pizzandchips]

Don't know why I'm even writing this post as don't need any advice, just to know there are others in the same boat.

I have been with my husband a long time, I'm nearly 40. We have children.

To be blunt I can not abide the man he has become. He didn't used to be like this. He is grumpy, has no friends or social life(his choice) , he works from home nearly all the time now and he never goes out anywhere so he is ALWAYS here.
Most days he doesn't shower or wear clean clothes. In his spare time he watches TV or plays a computer game.
He just exists on the fringes of our family. I do EVERYTHING for the children and with them. I take them on days out myself and even small holidays. He stays at home.

He comes on holiday with us if abroad which is very rare. He will come on one or two days out during the summer. And thinks this is enough.
Our marriage is a joke. We don't have sex, we sleep in seperate rooms. At this point I am repulsed by him. We've tried to talk about it and work through things but he just stays the same and then resentment builds for me and I get stuck in a loop where I can't stand him and start fantasising about splitting up.
I will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can. I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody of my children and them potentially having a step mother.
In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate. I don't know if this will happen but I want to. I want my own life. I hate being with him and not feeling loved.
I am a sahm/housewife at his insistence. I feel so trapped.
I've spoken to my mum about it whose also in an unhappy marriage with my dad and has never left. She's told me to stick with it and that we just have to tolerate things. I can't see a future with him. I hate him.

@DisforDarkChocolate

Stop being so passive.

Get a job, save some money, divorce.

What sort of crap are you teaching your children is acceptable?

This. Honestly, saying he sounds vile- you don't sound much better.

What a waste of your life, and his. Leave. There's more important things than extra curricular clubs for your children!

Sounds as though you’re really letting your children’s own with this set up

Please don’t stay ‘for the children’. It’s extremely likely that the very reason you picked such a rubbish partner for yourself and are so unhappy is because you never had an example of a healthy, loving relationship from your own parents growing up. The fact you want to continue that cycle and set your kids up for a lifetime of unhappiness baffles me! You can’t honestly think that having money and a more comfortable lifestyle is worth more than teaching your children what love looks like and how to find it? What to expect and accept from a life partner. It is so damaging for children to have to live in a situation where their parents literally hate each other.

I could have written so much of that post myself. I’m a similar age to you but my kids are a little older (secondary school age). Haven’t had sex for years, sleep separately, don’t find him attractive at all and there is absolutely zero romantic relationship. We don’t argue as I just have nothing to say to him most of the time and can’t bear to look at him.

He doesn’t seem to care about anything to do with family life, socialising and has no interests of his own.

I DO work and we could sell the house and buy two smaller properties with separate mortgages, but I worry so much that the kids and my wider family would hate me as they all think he’s great as he’s so hard working and is a ‘good man’. He does 50% of housework and isn’t abusive at all. I just can’t imagine this being my life forever, never having sex again and never feeling like part of a couple

I wish so much that he would leave me or cheat on me so I wouldn’t be the one to have broken up the family and my family would be supportive of the split

He sounds selfish as well as gross. Don't stay for the children, they will be fine. Give yourself a chance at happiness.

Start training and get a job. You will need some way to support yourself when you decide to take the next step

OP, your situation is exactly why a lot of 'good' people end up having affairs.

I would put good money on you finding a comforting male ear if you entered the workplace.

You are of course right as well..many people are in the same boat as you, maybe on a sliding scale of awfulness, but I think we would be shocked if we knew the true percentage of sexless, dead relationships.

In my mind I'm counting down until my kids are grown and then we can seperate.

This is a hideous thing to do to your children. I speak from experience.

Time to stop being passive and take control of your situation I'm afraid. Being an adult is hard but it's not all about you anymore OP.

@Pizzandchips

I wish every day that he would leave, or cheat on me to take the decision out of my hands. But he's so damn lazy he never would. No one else would be attracted to him anyway, he's vile

I resonate with this. It was at this point I realised I had to leave.

What advice would you give your child if they were in your situation?

You are someone’s child too.

Have not RT whole T but do you have any work experience pre-DC OP? Do you already have a degree? Do you have University a commutable distance away?

If you don’t have a degree, what about starting starting studying in September? Often Universities will accept mature students with previous work experience even if they don’t have A levels. I managed it after being a SAHM for 15 years. You’ll get most childcare paid and you won’t be having lectures during most of the school holidays. Whole summer and around a month at Christmas off and generally on 2-3 days where you have to go in for lectures in term time.

You’ll get a maintenance loan which can be quite generous depending on your husbands earnings. Certainly at least a few hundred a month for the minimum loan. Much more than the £0 you have now.

By the time you’ve finished a 3 year degree, your DC will be older and perhaps at secondary school so you’ll have qualifications to go back to work at 43/44 and hopefully further medical intervention for your leg.

Have you looked into weight training to assist with your mobility issues?

Student loans are written of at 65 IIRC and you’ll only pay a small amount back from your wage if you get into a high earning job.

Totally agree with focusing on you. You are where you are. Create the foundations of an independent life for yourself so when the time is right to leave, you are ready.

You have one life to live. Take it into your own hands. Your mother has accepted her lot, you don’t have to.

will be 100% honest here and I have read it many times on here when people are truthful. I am with him for our comformable life, (not for me but my children) as I wouldn't be able to provide for them the same as he can

Don't kid yourself. Children pick up on everything, personally your children's emotional health should be more important to you than what you believe you're gaining.

@Lovemusic33

I was in the same situation. I remember pushing him towards women he worked with in hope he would cheat (someone would take him off my hands), I did everything with the DC’s, we left him at home when we had days out and holidays, he never came to hospital appointments or parents evenings, we slept in separate beds and near the end I couldn’t even look at him let alone be intimate with him.

Eventually I bit the bullet and told him it was over, he begged and pleaded with me and I gave him a month to change but in that time I realised I just didn’t feel attracted to him anymore and however hard he tried it was never going to be enough so I ended it for good. My dc were 11 and 9 at the time. I have to say it wasn’t easy but it was the right choice and I’m glad I did it. He did meet someone else and I’m fine with that, I get along with her fine. He only sees the dc one day a week and I have them the rest of the time, he has continued to be a rubbish father and does nothing with them other than taking them to McDonald’s. My life and my DC’s lives are much better, we go on holidays, we have days out and we don’t have to return to him sat infront of the tv.

How long did it take you to do this I am in the same situation ... it is horrible x

TBH it sounds like he's depressed so I'd be concerned. You need to get him to talk about what's going on

You may think that you are doing the best for your children because of the material things that your husband provides - but from what you describe from your husband's behaviour and your contempt for him - there is no way that there is a happy atmosphere for your children .

I don't think that either you or your husband are being good role models for your young children .

And waiting for your parents to die for your inheritance to leave your husband - words fail me.

I think you need to start investigating what kind of job/role may be suitable for you . What did you do before having your children ? Given the age of your parents and that you have young children I'm guessing you must be in your 40s? So you must have had a decent amount of work experience before having your children. You also need to find out your financial position on divorce eg what you will be entitled to maintenance and custody wise and any benefits you would be entitled to.

Why don't you try to get a job in a school? Does haven't to be a classroom assistant but could be admin. Volunteer to do reading as a way in, as even for admin they like school experience. That means you are there for after school and holidays. If your youngest is still home then once 3 then volunteer at their preschool a morning a week. They need some time there without you. This gets you out of the house and improves confidence. I see you had an accident but I'm sure there is something you can do.

Also I don't get the money thing. Does your DH organize and pay for all the Dc's activities ? He doesn't sound that involved so why can't you have money access? You must be paying the fees for these?

I have been a SAHM for 5 years but now I am working part time. It's hard to balance kids needs with work. Being with young kids is very valuable, but working your way slowly out of this situation is too. I'm doing similar, although not so controlled and DH works away, but it's difficult as sole child care on me then.

Your kids won’t thank you for staying in a marriage with someone you hate.

You might die in 10 years time. Is this how you want to spend your last years? Don’t always assume there’s a tomorrow, make things better today

I left.
All i could think was - 30 good more years and im going to spend them like this?

He isn't depressed, he loves doing nothing
How can he be doing nothing if he is financially supporting a family of four? Am I being dense?

get a job a better career

Oh please.
How many times do we see this on MN? Middle aged women who put everything into the mortgage and kids?
We need to tech girls to secure income first, property first (if you prefer to buy) and love last.
Love is wonderful but not a good contract for life.

AND we know that many on MN advise marrying for money. Urrrgh.

Sounds like neither of you much like each other but are too chickenshit to change. Youll both just take each others youth and chance to find love in order to live this miserable half life full of hatred, and modelling a shit relationship for your kids.
You only get one shot at life, so stop punishing each other.

@bellaiceberg

AND we know that many on MN advise marrying for money. Urrrgh.

I've never seen this. I've seen people warning women to marry before becoming SAHMs or otherwise financially dependent.

@3luckystars

What advice would you give your child if they were in your situation?

You are someone’s child too.

You are someone’s child too.

Her mum wants her to stay, apparently that's what the mother did.

You go & get the rubbish job that will make you some money ANYWAY.

You do that so that as your kids get older, your earnings increase because you have been in employment all that time & don't have to live an awful life struggling to get any low paid job due to the even longer amount of time you spent out of the job market.

You do that so that every year payments are being made into a pension for you instead of getting to be retirement age & finding you haven't even got enough years for state pension.

You do it so you have something in your life other than all this misery which you WILL be passing on to your kids if you are feeling like some massive victim in your shabby clothes taking them on nice trips feeling so bad about how you never get nice things but they do.

Your kids will not thank you for spending all these years giving them a life you feel bad that you don't get to live.

You cannot count on getting enough inheritance to get out of this & living day to day as you wait for your parents to die so you can have their money is a terrible way to live even if there will be millions left to you.

Make your own life even if it is going to be hard.

It will be harder still when you are ten years older, ten years longer out of the job market & ten years more bitter & resentful about how unhappy you are every day.