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Original poster

34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

170 replies

yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:12

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 14/04/2022 20:13

So what's his plan then?

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:18

Mmmm I'm not sure. He has said he wants to buy rather than rent but with the market the way it is. IDK.

We get on really well but I am not even ready to think about moving in with me.

OP posts:
ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 20:19

So he came back when people had to isolate in bubbles, he has a deposit but it won't be enough for the area at the moment?

I suppose it's down to how much you believe this is circumstantial and what he plans to do if the market in that area continues as it is. I think it's good sense to not be shelling out on a private rental if he is looking to buy soon.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 14/04/2022 20:19

It would put me off, yes. Surely he'd rather live in a professional house share and have some independence instead of living with mummy and daddy.

The housing market is terrible and very few of us can afford to buy, he needs to get over it. What's he going to do, stay at mummy and daddy's until he's in his 40s?!

Maybe that's harsh of me. I just value man who is independent and capable of looking after himself above home ownership.

My view would be different if he was a carer for his elderly or disabled parents by the way.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 14/04/2022 20:22

Forgot to add:

It's understandable him living with parents during lockdown when he first came back to the UK but the lockdowns were ages ago now. House prices aren't going to reduce anytime soon. If he's priced out then he's stuck until he either finds a significantly better paid job or finds someone to buy with

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/04/2022 20:23

@yachtflair

Mmmm I'm not sure. He has said he wants to buy rather than rent but with the market the way it is. IDK.

We get on really well but I am not even ready to think about moving in with me.

I'd find out his back up plan if the market doesn't change. If you're not anywhere near ready to move in together I wouldn't worry too much right now, but I understand your concerns if his mindset is 'I'm staying here until the market completely changes in this area even if that's not for another decade'.
D0lphine · 14/04/2022 20:24

@yachtflair

Mmmm I'm not sure. He has said he wants to buy rather than rent but with the market the way it is. IDK.

We get on really well but I am not even ready to think about moving in with me.

Ask him what his plan is.

If his plan is to move area and buy then you need to know. Especially if it's a long way away.

Maybe he thinks down the line he can buy with a partner in the area.

Or maybe he wants a gf with her own place so he can move in there 🤣

I feel like it's completely fine to live with parents PROVIDED he has a sensible plan to become independent.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 14/04/2022 20:25

No I think with the way things have been the last couple of years or so it is understandable.

I wouldn't be put off on that alone, if everything else is going well. Providing he's not an absolute mummy's boy.

DatingAWidower22 · 14/04/2022 20:26

What does he do for a job?

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:26

So he came back when people had to isolate in bubbles, he has a deposit but it won't be enough for the area at the moment?

Yes. A lot of people have moved here from down south and it's priced out so many locals in the space of 2 years.

I'm afraid to type this because I sound very big headed and naive, but we could potentially be very serious. On paper, we're a great match (same cultural background) and we get on great. I don't think he expected it to happen and now he maybe doesn't see the point of going to the hassle of buying/renting when there is the possibility of moving in with me.

It sounds SO big headed but there you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:31

He works in finance.

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 14/04/2022 20:37

So you'd be happy if he was in a chappy bedsit?

I don't agree, it is very hard to buy on your own. Living with parents doesn't mean he is with mummy and daddy. I have had adult children live here and it is just like a house share, they clean toilets and communal areas, they organise their own food and pay their own way . Only difference is I have no desire to profit from them so it is cheaper.

Mine moved from home to joint mortgage, and the other from home to abroad travelling, home, abroad working, home, abroad working (think they would have stayed but) covid, longest time home and have just put an offer on a house with a friend

D0lphine · 14/04/2022 20:37

Doesn't sound bigheaded! Sounds like you like him and you're well suited, which is lovely!

Do you have your own place? Do you own?

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 14/04/2022 20:41

Sounds like a catch. Works, has worked abroad, has a deposit, get on with his family. No not a dealbreaker in this situation. It's likely if he's worked away he knows how to use a washing machine and cook

Sarah13xx · 14/04/2022 20:43

Ohhhh 😬 To be fair it’s a perfectly legitimate excuse but I think if it was me I’d be renting or doing anything not to be staying at home even for a month at that age! My friend went abroad and came back and is now in this exact situation though so it could be right enough

mnahmnah · 14/04/2022 20:47

I think there is a big difference between living with mummy and daddy, having his food cooked for him, his laundry done etc; and living there out of necessity but being independent, providing money to his parents and doing his fair share of chores etc

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:49

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday

Sounds like a catch. Works, has worked abroad, has a deposit, get on with his family. No not a dealbreaker in this situation. It's likely if he's worked away he knows how to use a washing machine and cook
Yes, exactly- when I look at like this, it seems silly to make it a big thing. I think it's probably somewhere in the middle of the extremes though- not a complete mummy's boy but he could probably be doing more. I've never heard him mention going for a shop etc.

I own my own house.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 14/04/2022 20:51

I’d be worried that you’re his meal ticket.

HardyBuckette · 14/04/2022 20:54

Not a deal breaker in itself no.

ChatterMonkey · 14/04/2022 20:57

Massive difference between being that age and never moved out of his parents home, and being that age and having to move back home due to curcumstance.

When I met my dp he was living at his mums, he had split up with long term partner over a year before, who he libed with amd had a mortgage with. He was saving up to buy again and it made sense to do so saving as much money as possible so not spending on rent.

Tbh it was quite nice going to see him at weekends (we were long distance for a while) and being looked after, dinner cooked for us etc. And we are now in our own house which dp bought with the money he had saved. I would naver have been in a position to buy on my own.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2022 20:59

How long have you been together? . Are you at an age where you want to settle quickly and have kids?

If he stops over yours does he pull his weight and pay his share?

I lived at home until I was nearly 30. Dad worked shifts so I was fully self sufficient. I was living at home with Daddy having my bum wiped. I cooked my own meals, did my own washing, tidied my own mess etc. It isn't as black and white as "at home, must be a pathetic loser"

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 21:00

@LividLaVidaLoca

I’d be worried that you’re his meal ticket.
I don't think I am. I make less than I think he does, I just happened to be able to buy at a good time.

If he had his own place, it wouldn't even be a conversation, so it's strange.

OP posts:
SpringSunshine09 · 14/04/2022 21:01

Not a deal-breaker!

I think the fact he has been saving to move, has a decent job and has only been living with them for a couple of years. He worked abroad before, so you know he is independent. Plus the current state of the housing market, inflation, plus the fact it is more sensible to buy over renting if you are able - backs up his reasoning for being there. I think it sound like you've both got a good thing :).

Original poster
yachtflair · 14/04/2022 21:03

We're about 6 months in. I'm 31 so I would like to be settled but do have some time.

He washes up at mine, but it would feel very strange to expect him to do anything else Confused

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 14/04/2022 21:05

In someways, I was in a similar position, but about 10 years earlier. DH was 23 when I met him. I was 26 and owned my own home. He was living at home with a deposit to buy but we realised very quickly we were serious and that would have been a complete waste of money, so he stayed at his parents home. We didn’t move in together until we got married (I appreciate we were unusual in that) and he moved in with me to my house. We moved to our house about 13 months (and 1 baby!) later.

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