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Original poster

34 and he's still at home... a dealbreaker?

170 replies

yachtflair · 14/04/2022 20:12

He was working abroad until early 2020, came back mid-Covid and has a deposit but is completely priced out of the market where we are (this is true, tbh).

I don't know why it bothers me but it does.

OP posts:
userxx · 15/04/2022 10:14

Don't see the problem. Renting a property is going to eat away at his savings, I'd do the same in his position.

Opentooffers · 15/04/2022 10:17

You have to look at circumstances as a whole. Don't move him in, in a years time reassess where you are at with each other and buy somewhere new together if it's going well - then get married before having any DC. If things are going well, it's not a dealbreaker at all, he has a good job which counts massively.

Planesmistakenforstars · 15/04/2022 11:10

I would have no problem with the circumstances. It makes sense to save for a deposit and live at his parents, and how he got to that point is understandable. I would be paying more attention to what he does around the home, because if his mum does his washing and ironing and he doesn't pull his weight with other housework, that is a glimpse into what he'd be like to live with and would be a dealbreaker for me.

gingerhills · 15/04/2022 13:14

Have you met his parents? I'd want to see how he behaves around them, especially his mother, because it could be indicative of how he'd be with you once you are settled. If he's waited on and expects it I would be very blunt about that not happening with you. And I would ask how often he cooks for them, does the weekly shop etc.

MakeMeWanna · 15/04/2022 13:44

I’m 40 and live with a parent. And I always have.

Circumstances could be outing so I won’t go into detail but it’s a joint mortgage that I pay (and have done since my late teens) – things are pretty much shared. I pay certain bills, buy food, appliances, pay for home improvements etc. I do my own washing, I can make my own food. I clean. Although, full disclosure, I personally can be a bit untidy.

Just out of curiosity - would you all advise your child/sibling/friend against dating me?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 15/04/2022 15:17

@MakeMeWanna sorry but yes I would.
You are never going to leave home.
You won't be able to sell your share or make your parents homeless.
You haven't lived independently.
It's a strong no from me!

jimmyjammy001 · 15/04/2022 15:27

If he's paying rent to his parents and doing his cooking /cleaning /washing up etc and saving some money can't see what the problem is, at least he's not wasting it on paying some rich landlords mortgage off for them and in a couple years will at least have a house to live in which will cut down costs on not paying rent.
If others want independence and are quite happy to pay extortionate rent to have that other than living at home if they have the option then I would see that as a deal breaker as they won't own an asset and will have to pay rent for the rest of their lifes which would impact a relationship as you may have less disposable income than a future partner and they will then need to subsidize you when it comes to buying a house together or raising a family etc

liveforsummer · 15/04/2022 15:50

@MakeMeWanna - not sure if you're male or female but if male, sorry I wouldn't date you or advise my daughters to when grown up.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2022 15:52

Never ever ignore the niggling voice of your intuition.

You say, "he maybe doesn't see the point of going to the hassle of buying/renting when there is the possibility of moving in with me."

A quality man will sort out his own shit, regardless of what his girlfriend is or isn't doing.

And he hasn't saved a deposit, he's saved 'some money'. It's only a deposit if it is enough to get a mortgage.

billy1966 · 15/04/2022 15:57

@SucculentChalice, absolutely this.

Kindly OP, I'm sure you are fab but I think that house that you own absolutely been clocked by him as the answer to his prayers.

I would not be moving him in any time soon.

Be very careful here.

Also if you consider him moving in, give him a lodger rate.
Do not just split bills.

He's in finance, he's no daw with money.

Don't be taken advantage of.

Fuzzyhippo · 15/04/2022 16:02

Personally it wouldn't bother me unless he had absolutely no income of his own and living off his parents money. But I still live at home myself, always have done so I can't say much. I think it's nice to live at home for as long as possible, get to spend as much time with your parents as they won't be around forever. But then again independence is important, another thing I don't have and likely never will.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2022 16:27

@MakeMeWanna

I’m 40 and live with a parent. And I always have.

Circumstances could be outing so I won’t go into detail but it’s a joint mortgage that I pay (and have done since my late teens) – things are pretty much shared. I pay certain bills, buy food, appliances, pay for home improvements etc. I do my own washing, I can make my own food. I clean. Although, full disclosure, I personally can be a bit untidy.

Just out of curiosity - would you all advise your child/sibling/friend against dating me?

See it isn't the "mamas child" idea cited on here that would put me off. I lived at home until I was 30 and was fully capable of doing it all myself. I moved out alone and not much changed, and I was fully able to run a budget etc. It's the fact that is have to live with your pH parent forever, keep the sex quiet forever, raise kids alongside your parent six
Grumpyoctopus · 15/04/2022 16:29

I think if he lived on his own for a good few years first it's fine, as it shows he can cope on his own.

Similar situation to my brother and it is very much a temporary stay for him, but he is quite enjoying their company after living away for 10 years and not able to visit much.

If it's that he moved abroad for a year or 2 and came back because he couldn't cope without his parents - call it a day now.

Magnoliayellowbird · 15/04/2022 16:34

A lot of people are now living in multigenerational properties. Some because they want to and some because it's just practical, with house prices and energy bills being what they are.

I realize that it's not the same scenario, and you feel like he should move out, but what if he can't afford to?

MakeMeWanna · 15/04/2022 18:35

I get what you're all saying, the practicalities of being with a partner/parent, of-course I do.

It's hard to stomach tho, essentially being told you're not worthy of being loved, having a partner because of your living arrangements.

SunnySideUp2020 · 15/04/2022 18:54

I think it might a problem for you because you own yourself. And so it sounds like you would rather partner with someone who is on the same page financially or just how settled they are.
I totally get it.
Couls you let him know that it is important for you that he also has his own space at first? Before you get very serious? And give him some time to sort it out?
Maybe he will clearly tell you he was waiting for you two to be serious and buy together or something...

BigFatLiar · 15/04/2022 19:14

I don't think his living at home is a problem what is a BIG problem is you seem to question him motives for the relationship. You seem to doubt that he would move in with you because he wants to be with you but more a case he wants an easy option that isn't staying at his parents. You're not ready to move in together. Let him know what criteria you have for him to take the relationship further 'you need to move out of your parents and get your own place before we consider ourselves a long term relationship'.

Backontgedatingtrain22 · 15/04/2022 19:14

@MakeMeWanna

I get what you're all saying, the practicalities of being with a partner/parent, of-course I do.

It's hard to stomach tho, essentially being told you're not worthy of being loved, having a partner because of your living arrangements.

That is sad to read and of course you are worthy of love despite your circumstances. My boyfriend has never left home and I am glad I gave him a chance. He's very helpful when he's here and a delight to be around. Someone will give you a chance one day Smile
Ceriane · 15/04/2022 19:59

Nearly everyone I know went straight from parents to living with a partner. Maybe it’s the area. I’m one of the very few who house shared with a group of friends and lived on their own, most people around here have only ever lived with parents then with their partner, living independently isn’t seen as a pre-requisite to having a relationship, it’s seen as something people only do cos they haven’t found the right person and house sharing is seen as a student thing, late teens/early twenties, however most people around here live at home as students then late twenties early thirties move in with a partner. House prices are so expensive and renting makes it a lot more difficult to do this, plenty of people live at home late twenties early thirties these days it’s not unusual. People who create a stigma around it just don’t know what they’re talking about.

SucculentChalice · 15/04/2022 21:35

Gannet Plenty of posters in this very thread have described unexpected life circumstances that meant they had to move back in with their parents as adults. Did those posts go over your head? Shit happens in life and sometimes people have to deal with non-ideal circumstances. It's not a reflection on their character.

This was in response to my comment. What an odd thing to say. As if posts on mumsnet were the sum total to be expected of anyone's life experience, and you should immediately alter your life view of the world after reading them...

This man is 34 and has a good job, and doesn't appear to have any "non-ideal circumstances" to deal with, other than expecting others to house him. I just noticed that the OP owns her own place as well. I think it would be best for her to be wary.

If you want to weed out dickhead men, look at their characters and who they are as people and how they behave. Living situation isn't a shorthand for any of that no matter how much you sneer about "mummy's boys" (a pretty unpleasant phrase when you think about it).

Have actually dated a mummy's boy sorry spoilt brat and it was very much formulated within his character that he was used to sponging off people rather than paying his own way.

I'd expect a man of 34 to be living independently before he started dating actually.

It might be an area thing as one poster suggests, it might be a lifestyle thing. Most of my friends left home at 18 to go to university and would find it hard not to live independently again given the choice. Then into houseshares before meeting someone and buying. I appreciate there are those who go to their home university but I honestly found that a duller than ditchwater idea, as did most people I know.

I find it a bit implausible that someone working in finance who has lived abroad really cannot get themselves organised to live independently from their parents at age 34 so I suspect theres something else going on with him, whatever it is.

notsureaboutTAAT · 15/04/2022 22:15

I dated one like this and we eventually bought a place together after about 2 years. He was looking for places from when we met, but didn't quite have enough. Looked at cheaper areas and eventually we bought together. He paid the whole deposit, but I was needed to get the mortgage. But if you already have a place that's tricky.

QueenCamilla · 15/04/2022 22:39

Would depend on how much evidence there is of him having a well paid job and would I trust that he REALLY has been saving for a deposit.

I've met a few "CEOs" going from abroad, to mums, to a rental, then back to mums, then somewhere else... Whilst saving for a deposit (actually spending their important CEO earnings on weed, expensive dinners, nights out and holidays)

Anthurium · 15/04/2022 22:41

@Ceriane

Nearly everyone I know went straight from parents to living with a partner. Maybe it’s the area. I’m one of the very few who house shared with a group of friends and lived on their own, most people around here have only ever lived with parents then with their partner, living independently isn’t seen as a pre-requisite to having a relationship, it’s seen as something people only do cos they haven’t found the right person and house sharing is seen as a student thing, late teens/early twenties, however most people around here live at home as students then late twenties early thirties move in with a partner. House prices are so expensive and renting makes it a lot more difficult to do this, plenty of people live at home late twenties early thirties these days it’s not unusual. People who create a stigma around it just don’t know what they’re talking about.
@Ceriane

This was my experience too in the South East. Since most people self select within the dating pool, they were matching with people just like themselves (ie living at home well into their 20s/early 30s and moving out/buying with partners). Nobody was judged for never having lived alone or for not having bought a property by themselves.

I am too one of the few who has lived in shared house holds in my 30s (following a divorce) and now live alone in a mortgaged property with my son.

QueenCamilla · 15/04/2022 22:42

I don't think I'd let him move in fully until you're maybe ready to buy together.

Supersimkin2 · 15/04/2022 23:28

Assume you live alone in your own place.
Has he mentioned moving in with you?

I’ve had two boyfriends who tried - didn’t end well. They were both keener on the nice flat than the nice girl.